Stepping out of comfort zone

First, welcome to EC!

I have not been in your position, nor have I been close to anyone in a similar position, so my advice is a little limited.

But I will say I feel that your fears are understandable. And, unfortunately, they aren't totally groundless. Even in my home state (which has same sex marriage, which was approved by the voters), you'll still find people who don't accept gay people.

Indeed, homophobia was one reason I stayed in denial for 42 years. In the last year, I have finally accepted I'm gay. And yes, I have fears like yours. But...I have come to realize that I just need to move forward as best as I can. I may have problems. But if I stay in the closet, living a lie, I'll have greater problems.

One thing worth keeping in mind: society is changing. A lot of the fear I have is the result of having lived in a different era when LGBT acceptance was at about zero (or so it seemed). While times changed, the experience of going through that era programmed me on a deep level; that programming is not easy to change.

Finally, do try to get to PFLAG. Yes, it's scary going. I was scared stiff the first time. But they really can help.

 

It's completely understandable that your initial thoughts are not 100% positive; the important thing is that you've given your son unconditional love and support. I'm really happy to hear that you're going to push your boundaries and allow him to feel comfortable bringing a boy home for you to meet -- maintaining that level of trust is huge.

I'm sure this is all a very new experience for both of you. You have nothing to feel badly about.

 

Hi MishL79, welcome to EC!

I am gay and a father to three kids. If one (or more!) of my kids came out to me, I would definitely feel the same as you! However, by virtue of being gay, I simply have a better grasp of what the real risks are, in other words, I would know what to say and would be honest enough and open enough to give unconditional acceptance while acknowledging that this is a less than easy path.

It's great that you are keeping yourself informed, and it's also great that you are being honest about how you feel and have taken the time to share this with us. It shows that you care about your son, and that you want to learn.

Be kind to yourself, just realize that it will take time to work through a whole set of complicated feelings. You no doubt have familiarized yourself with the idea that you are in a sense mourning whatever visions of the future you had for him. But maybe this is a real occasion to get to know him better, maybe this will be the time that you really see him for what he is, unfiltered by your own assumptions and habits of seeing and relating to him.

All parents should take the time to really see and understand who their children are, and this is not a gay thing, necessarily. Take this event, if you can reach this point, as a gift; as an opportunity to really see who he is, and to discover all over again the person he was meant to become. Let him astonish you with his ability to grasp the magnitude of what he has revealed to you, his ability to courageously handle the difficulties of that path and the love that he will be capable of giving to the one he chooses to love.

 

I know that it may sound crazy considering this a "gift." But I honestly do believe it can be. I know for myself that coming to grips with my sexual orientation has been a good growth experience. I have learned things the last year as I deal with this that I probably could not have learned otherwise.

 

Hello!

First and foremost, I want to say that I feel you're doing the right thing. We're all human-- our opinions and feels rarely change in a day's, month's or even year's notice. And for some people, beliefs are developed over a lifetime of perception, and replacing those beliefs with something new is difficult. Something new like acceptance for LGBT members as opposed to a previously-established belief of disapproval.

You're also not alone. Many other mothers are in a similar situation. The fact you're making an effort to change-- an effort to be more involved with, happy for, and loving of your son's life-- speaks a lot to your character.

For future circumstances, I don't have much to recommend. Normally, when I recognize that someone I love needs X, or I must be Y, I remind myself of a quote from Beauty and the Beast. Belle's father, seeing him through the magic mirror, is dying in the snow while he searches for her (after the Beast and she dance). He released her, for which she expresses gratitude and says, "[t]hank you for understanding how much he needs me." I take this quote and remind myself that this person I need sometimes needs life to change in small ways to make it easier-- hanging out with X, changing my attitude to be Y-- and these insignificant, temporary difference can mean the world to him.

 

Hi Mish

I am the mother of a soon-to-be 13 yr old daughter who is bisexual. I came to EC also struggling with fears of how to protect her in a world that is not very kind to LGBT people. As a parent I want to bundle her up and keep her safe from all danger and harm. I get angry just thinking of the possibility that someday someone may say something that hurts her feelings, let alone actually do something physically to harm her.

Coming to EC and asking for advice, just having an understanding place to vent, reading the posts of LGBT people who are going through so many of the things I fear for my daughter, all of this has helped so much. Yes, the world can be hurtful and hateful. Yes, it is harder out there for anyone who is different from the accepted "norm." Yes, there are dangers and diseases. BUT there is acceptance. There is support. There is love.

One of the things I have noticed in posts is that the hardest part of life for a majority of LGBT people is the lack of love and support from parents and siblings. Take to heart that your son will never have to feel that lack. You and your husband have given him that safe haven of acceptance and love to build on.

The parent of any child of any sexual origin going off to college has to be at least a bit fearful, not just of diseases but of all kinds of dangers related to the fact that your kid is out of your zone of protection. I know the thought of my daughter going out into the world someday fills me with fear. The best we can do as parents is to be sure to prepare them as much as possible before that time comes and offer reminders when it is here.

As to your fear of negative reaction from family and friends, I am dealing with this as well. I do not really have to guess how most of my family would/will react as most are already quite loud in their anti-LGBT bile. When my daughter told us she was bi we talked to her about the fact that the majority of our family and neighbors would be very nasty towards her whenever they found out. It is just a horrid fact that my father-in-law will be a nasty jerk about it. He is very very vocal in his opinions about anything "other-than-me" being absolutely wrong. My sister will be surface accepting and then will be a snarky sow behind everyone's back like she is about other things. Our neighbors will tell us that we should pack her off to a church program to drive the devil out of her. I have heard them saying similar things about other LGBT people.

I absolutely do not want my daughter to feel like I am ashamed of her or feel that she should hide who she is. I also am terrified of what other people will say and do because of her sexuality. My daughter has told only five people so far. Myself, my husband, my mother, and her two best friends. She did put a little comment under a picture supporting LGBT marriage on her facebook page where she said something like "yes, I'm bisexual" but apparently none of her other facebook friends noticed it because none ever said anything. She says she does not care if anyone else knows or not because their acceptance is not important to her.

My advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Keep putting your love of your son first. Yes, you are tiptoeing into new territory. Yes, there can be some nasty people saying and doing nasty things in your future. If you firmly keep your son as your number one priority those things will be much easier to deal with. If someone is nasty just let them know that they, their opinion, and their friendship mean far, far less to you than your son does. They can love him, accept him, and treat him kindly or they can remove themselves from your life.

I have already done this with one family member, not regarding my daughter's sexuality, but just for the fact that she has been changing her look. My husband's aunt saw a picture I posted of my daughter dressed goth and she reacted like my kid had become an ax murderer. She was told the order of importance of the people in my life and how far down the list she is below my daughter. I have not spoken to her since and doubt I will again unless she makes some major changes in her attitude.

Hang in there. You are doing a good job. I hope things went well today with meeting your son's friend.

 

Wow, this is a lot to take in, in so little time! Not only announcing he's gay but right off the bat, bringing a boyfriend! You are handling yourself remarkably well!

When David Furnish, a Canadian gay man came out to his folks, he also announced (almost in the same breath), that he was Elton John's boyfriend! They're now married...

 

Well you fear judgments here from total strangers and being subject of gossip in real life....imagine how he feels then. However, for all the new reality you have to deal with, it may help to look at the positive. At least he has found someone he really likes (and who likes him enough in return to visit)! Likewise, you may worry over saying the wrong things on here, but i notice that there are some things you clearly get and that puts you in a good position to make strides at being support for your son. You're making all the right moves