Advice please - gay son, aged 11

He really isn't too young to be thinking about things like that. Kids that age will have crushes on other kids. He knows who he likes the same way other boys know they like girls. It is just natural to him.

 

I think you are doing just right as you are!

I knew when I was five. At eleven I was very certain, but too scared to let anyone know. So its great that he has opened up to you about this. You should be proud that you have brought up such a great trusting kid and that you are a great mum!

I am not a parent .. but I am sure you are right to not bombard him with too much right now .. but letting him know all channels of communication are open is the best thing you can do. As well as lots of hugs !!

 

Kudos to you for being accepting and looking for resources to help your son! He's lucky to have you!

It's true that being gay is tough and presents obstacles that you don't have to face if you're straight. But he'll be better prepared to face them if he can have a supportive parent standing by his side. And he's got one in you.

In terms of resources, I know PFLAG is an organization to help family members of LGBT individuals. They have online resources and there are local support groups around the world. And stick around EC too.

Let him know that you're there for him, you love and support him, you're doing your best to try and understand, you may ask "annoying" or "stupid" questions but they're not meant to bother or upset him but rather to try to understand and help, and he can always come to you for advice or a listening ear or just a hug.

 

I just tried to reassure him that I will always love him just the way he is.
+5 points. Always a good answer!

I didn't want to bombard him with too many questions in case he thought I was getting at him.
Try this. Before you ask him anything, ask yourself this question.
"Would I be asking this if he was straight?"
If your answer is yes, go ahead. Questions from parents may be annoying and awkward sometimes, but you know, you do need to make sure your children are OK!

But it just seems so young to be thinking about sex with anyone.
Put it this way, you have a son so I assume you've had a relationship. If you had to put a rough percentage on it, how much of your relationship is sex?
There is more to your orientation than just sex

I like to think I'm not homophobic, but I just want my child to have an easy life, and that means being "normal." But I can't (and wouldn't want to) change him, so I guess now I have to change the world instead. I will do that for my boy.

You don't need to change the world. If you get the opportunity, great, but you don't have to go out on a gay rights crusade just because your son is gay.

There are plenty of people out there who will be more than happy to tell you or your son that he should be 'straight' or that he isn't 'normal'. The best thing you can do is get yourself into a position where you can defend your son with your whole heart.


I think my parents will be OK with it, which is important as he has a close relationship with them, but I'm not so sure about my grandparents.
So what happens if your grandparents (or even your parents) don't take it well. I'm not trying to make you worry, I'm just wondering what your reaction is going to be.

Really I think I just want to know if there's more I should be doing, or asking him. I just want to do the best for my boy.

You've told him you love him for who he is. You've come here and asked for help. Let's be honest, what more could you do for him?

 

The world is pretty much scary and sadly there's nothing we can do about it. However you can do things for him to support him in every way such as being there with him when things are tough for him, talking to him about everything, giving him advises be it life or love. I guess your son knows already what he wanted to do in life and he is aware that being out has a lot of circumstances along the way but having a mom who support him or a family is enough to get through with life. Your son is courageous because telling you that he is gay takes a LOT of courage there's still people who struggle to that yet him he manage to say it to you and be honest about it. So I guess he can make it just believe and trust in him though.

And ahh you're a best mom! for supporting him that way.

 

As long as you've made it clear you accept him, I'm sure he isn't too worried about that.

I like it when people ask me questions about my sexuality. I don't want it to be an awkward topic or anything. Just be sure not to ask any questions that might come off as offensive or anything like that.

I at least knew I wasn't straight since I was eleven. I'm fourteen and started to come out last year. So I don't think he's too young. And if he's come to the point where he says he's gay, he probably is. Figuring out your sexuality takes a lot of thinking, and so does deciding to come out. And I think I thought about sex at least a little bit when I was that age. Maybe your son is very mature. ^.^ And I also knew I liked girls before I had a crush on one. And, did you know you liked boys by his age? Most people have a vague idea of who they like by that age. And some people know way earlier.

The world can be harsh, and there will likely be people who are mean to him. It's near impossible to avoid that. But the world is slowly becoming more accepting, so I don't think every day will be difficult for him or anything. And he probably also knows he will face homophobia, so you don't need to remind him or anything, lol.

When I came out at school, I also didn't get any mean comments or anything. I know there are homophobic students at my school, but they haven't said anything bad to me. In fact, if someone ever says something homophobic, a bunch of people yell at them until they stop talking, lol. :lol: I believe there will be people at school who will support your son and stand up for him if anyone is mean to him.

Just keep doing everything you've already been doing!

 

Hi!! Im really happy that you can accept your child!! I really dont know how my mum will react >.<

I do not think it is too young at all, a lot of people develop crushes by about age 10 so he will just be the same but realised he likes boys and not girls ^.^
I think it is okay to ask questions as YuriCore said, people wish it wasnt an awkward topic to talk about and most people wish they could talk about it like people talk about straight relatinshps and being straight ^.^

Telling your parents will just be like him telling you- it could go either way but really hopefully like it did for you, you are a really awesome mum!!


Also again like YuriCore said, there may be a few homophobic mean people at school but there will be many more people who will be friendly and accept your son!! I am not officially out at school but people have pretty much guessed and noone has been mean to me except two people in the changing room for P.E but someone im not even really friends with told them to shut up and dont be mean, so there is friendly people! ^^

You are really awesome mum, your son is lucky to have you!! ^.^

 

I don't think I really did know I liked boys by the age of 11. But maybe because it was simple for me, I didn't really need to think about.
I bet you know somebody who did though. Plus its not so much about 'liking' boys in the way we tend to understand it now. I mean as an adult thinking back, when you think of the people you 'liked' you think about the first person you wanted to kiss. For children it's different. I mean you talk to them about the people they 'like' and they tend not to know WHY they like them, they just do. I know when i was what...8 or 9 I wanted to tickle this one girl in my class. That's how I knew I liked her was that I wanted to tickle her! Couldn't have explained why if I tried!

My feeling is that they probably just don't need to know, but how to explain that to my son without making him feel he's doing something that's wrong and needs to be hidden . . .
The let him be the one to make that choice. Don't tell him your feelings on the matter unless he asks.

Honestly, this might be one of the more difficult things you'll deal with. If you want your son to know, to really know, that it is OK to be who he is, then you need to make sure he knows he shouldn't HAVE to hide things from people just because they don't understand. Age isn't an excuse I'm afraid.

You don't have to bring it up or anything just see what happens. Honestly it might not even occur to him to tell them!

 

I think you're a really good parent. Supportive, and just what your son needs

About the question of his great grandparents, I think if your son is old enough to know he's gay, he's also old enough to know that gay people face discrimination and things, which isn't right but is just something difficult we have to live with, till the world changes enough to accept it. Explain it that way, tell him how some people just can't get their heads around the concept of homosexuality, and that his great grandparents belong to that group of people, and to avoid trouble, it's best to hide it from them. I know it'll be sort of awkward to tell him that, but make it clear that he's not in the wrong, and not accepting it is just a mindset. I think that's really the only way to go about it.

 

Speaking from personal experience I was mostly aware that I was gay by 11 and was at least partly aware as young as 7. I came out to my accepting mother until 14. So it's not common but not really unusual. People have become more accepting even just a decade later. While I know from personal experience there are closeted people of every age, people feel more comfortable in coming out earlier and earlier.

 

It's so nice to read about a parents who actually accepts and supports their child. You are doing the best thing you can possibly do

 

He's your son right?

Love him as much as you did before he told you. If not more for being so brave to tell you.

 

You're doing everything right. With time, it will become easier and more comfortable to ask questions and address problems.

 

Just came too say that you must have a fantastic relationship with your son if he came out to you that young. I wasn't even aware I liked boys at that age.

Another thing, you mentioned that you didn't want to bombard him with too much questions, but strangely when you come out to someone you actually want them to ask questions. No matter how stupid you think they are, he'll probably just feel more comfortable if you do.

But yeah you sound pretty awesome anyway.

 

Wow, I have great respect for you and your son.

I think that you have done everything right given how your son came out to you that early. I knew at about the same age(maybe even before) that I'm interested in girls and even though I really love my parents and know they wouldn't kill me or anything like that, I'm still not even close to the point where I'll be able to tell them.

I wish that I was as coragous as your son to tell my own parents and my parents to be just as supportive and loving as you are once I do.

Keep on this good parenting and your son will surely grow up to be an even greater person.

 

I spend a lot of time on a couple of big teen forums, so I've seen this discussed a lot. Some guys say they always knew from an early age like 11. Others think maybe they are gay but are unsure up to like 16. I'd say to just go with it since he's already decided to label himself and brave enough / trusting enough to come out to you. Give him lots of time to see where it leads. Lots of boys do gay stuff with each other anyways even if they're supposedly straight. So I would say it's too early for you to worry about it too much. Just know that him coming to you with that says a lot about you being a really good parent in my opinion.

 

Hi
I think you're doing a good job. I'm not that experienced myself to tell you what else you should be doing.
Though just to give you a perspective, I started developing feeling for other guys around 12.
Its all about "hormones". He may not even be thinking about sex. Its just a feeling of attraction.