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My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advice

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by tl1192, Apr 1, 2014.

  1. tl1192

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    Well as the title says, my 16 year old brother just came out to me. I am the only one in the family who knows. I am behind him 100% and love him no less than before he told me. In fact my love has grown with the fact he felt safe coming to me.
    As I said I love him no less than before but in all honesty its kind of hard to wrap my head around it in the sense of the surprise factor. When he told me several questions popped in my head and I refrained from asking because I know the situation is delicate and I don't want to come across to him as being close minded or well an ass plain and simple.
    I guess why I'm seeking guidance here is to find out the best way to talk with him. Like the question of "How/when did you know?" I grew up in a close minded community one very similar to the one he is growing up in and I've seen many peers go through the curiosity stage and it be just that, but I just don't know how to go about that conversation without hurting him or making him feel like I deep down wish he was straight because that isn't the case at all.
    The other thing is the rest of the family. I'm worried for him on that aspect for whenever he does decide to come out to all of them. They are close minded and close minded in the religious sense, I have on many occasions debated with them in my support of the LGBT community. Is there a right way or a wrong way for him to come out to them? I and my boyfriend are his support group for the moment and what friends he has told and I just need the advice in order to help him to the best of my abilities. I love him and don't want him to be hurt.
    So please any advice I would greatly appreciate. Thank you!
     
  2. Filip

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Hi, and welcome to EC! :smilewave

    First off: congrats for being such an amazing big sister! Coming out is not exactly easy, and being met with acceptance is one of the best feelings in the world. So you definitely did that part well already!


    When it comes to questions, I'd honestly say there aren't any right or wrong questions, as long as they're posed with genuine interest. So asking "how did you know?" is perfectly OK, if you're posing it because you really want to know.

    The main thing to avoid is to pose questions like "How can you know without having tried a girl first?", because that's not really a question. It's usually what people ask when they really want to say "No, you aren't gay and I know this better than you do!"

    So: any topic should be fair game, as long as it takes you accepting your brother being gay as a baseline.


    You could even start with a caveat. Tell him that this is new territory for you and that if anything you say or ask comes off as weird or awkward or unsuppportive, it really isn't intended to be. And that he's free to point that out or refuse to answer if it makes him feel awkward.


    Whatever you do, though: don't feel bad about asking questions. Keeping it silent makes it awkward, but making it "just another thing to talk about" is really what will help him the most, now. As long as it's asked with genuine interest and care, you're doing the right thing!



    Coming out to family is really something you should work out together. You know your family better than we do, after all. always let him take the lead in deciding who and when to come out to next, with you mainly providing support and opinions on his plans.
    Personally, I'm somewhat a fan of coming out to one person at a time, so you might want to think about which of your family members is still the most supportive (or would at least be most supportive in private). That might be the satart of building an in-family support network before tackling the tougher ones.


    Others will probably come in with more thoughts and ideas. for now: do continue being awesome! :thumbsup:
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Totally agree with Filip. I would add that he probably wants/needs to talk about it. This will make it more real for both of you, but again, with the caveats that Filip mentioned above,
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    I'm in agreement too. He probably expected questions from you and may have been surprised that you didn't ask, but that's okay, go back to him and ask whatever you want to know. Just preface any questions with the reassurance that you love him and tell him that you want to understand... and give hugs :slight_smile:

    You've been great and he may need you a lot more in future. He'll remember this day forever and you've just done an amazing thing in your relationship with him. He's probably never felt closer to you than he does right now.

    I don't know you, but I'm proud of you.
     
  5. Foster

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Can I just say, thank you for supporting your brother! You are a wonderful big sister! My big sister was the first person I came out to (I'm 17), and she has always been my number one supporter & my best friend. Sometimes she asks questions about it (when did you find out, ect.), and I honestly don't mind at all. Just be there for him and love him, and when the time comes for him to come out, be prepared to stand by his side and defend him like any big sister would :slight_smile: Good luck to you both ^-^
     
  6. tl1192

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Thank you all so much for the helpful advice and encouragement. Like I said before I just don't want to come across to him as being judgemental. I can only try to imagine his struggle and all my sisterly instincts kick in to protect him and fight for him.
     
  7. Silver Sparrow

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Exactly what everyone has said before.
    1 thing to add: there's no right or wrong way for your brother to come out to the family. It sounds like you are helping your brother a lot.
     
  8. tl1192

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Thank you and I am. I'm his rock so to speak. Our family hasn't exactly been very close the last five years or so and I'm the one person he knows he has no matter what.
     
  9. Clay

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Yeah don't be afraid to ask him questions. It seems strange but when you come out to someone you actually want them to ask you questions.

    Anyway you sound like an awesome sister none the less.
     
  10. Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    I could not agree more with Filip! Very well stated. Just to continue on what he said, I'm going to tell you a short personal experience that may help you with your brother.

    My sister and I grew up in an extremely cult-like religious family. I'm not sure how else to explain it other than that. Everything, except their beliefs, is wrong and sinful. My mom wasn't very strict but still lived in fear of the family so she tried to please them. My sister was the first one I introduced my girlfriend to and the first one I told that I was going to transition, to which she accepted me. My sister had helped me keep it a secret until I was ready to introduce my girlfriend to my parents. Turns out my dad had already known, my mom was accepting (actually very welcoming!), my grandparents disapproved of course, but they made it clear they still loved me, and my uncle completely accepted me. My sister acted as my support as well as theirs. Being as accepting as she was of me, and as understanding as she was as them, everyone knew they could go to her to talk about things they weren't sure how to approach the other about. She was like the mediator.

    Maybe you could provide the support and "middle ground" for your family. Just know how your brother wants you there, be open for him to question you about how so-and-so in the family will react and direct him to sites like this for more support and advice.

    Good luck to both of you!

    P.S You are a really good big sis for being there for your brother! =)
     
  11. Lukas17

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Don't be afraid to ask him everything, he told everything to you because he trust you so I think that you could talk about that. And about your parents maybe it is better not to tell them right now or you should find "easy" way to tell them because you said they are religious. And also you're such a good sister :slight_smile:
     
  12. KyleD

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Don't be afraid of asking questions for fear of seeming ignorant or unsupportive. When I came out to my brother he actually asked me some outright stupid questions like how I knew I was gay if I've never been with a girl. :grin: Your support is the most important thing. So don't be afraid because more than likely your brother won't be offended - I wasn't. My brother's unconditional love and support was the only thing that mattered to me more than anything else.
     
    #12 KyleD, Apr 4, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2014
  13. thrnvlpidj

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    Tell him that
     
  14. Manta

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    Re: My 16yr old brother just came out to me (his big sis) in need of supportive advic

    My older sister was the first person I went to as well :slight_smile:

    She just nodded and said 'Okay, that's fine' like it was the most normal thing in the world and I will forever love her for that! She asked me when and how I knew, and it really was a relief to tell someone, to actually speak the words. I was a bit uncomfortable, because I'd never talked with anyone about liking girls before, but I'm really glad we were able to talk.

    Having that kind of conversation cemented that she supported me because she wasn't trying to run away from the topic or avoid it. It let me know she wouldn't be uncomfortable if I came to her with problems or issues in the future.

    So what I'm trying to say is, please feel comfortable having those conversations, because then your brother will feel comfortable coming to you for support.