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Want to help my daughter

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by katneely, Apr 4, 2014.

  1. katneely

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    Hi everyone. I am new here and just stumbled upon this site by accident while searching for information on the Internet. I am the mother of an absolutely amazing 12 year old girl who came out to us as gay about six months ago. Super proud of her, and she is doing great...she seems very comfortable with who she is and is open and honest with us about how she's feeling and what she is going through. I am kinda concerned though, or I guess not really as concerned as I am a little bit sad for her. I know she has crushes on a couple of girls in her class and on her soccer team. It's great to see her growing into herself and realizing that part of adolescence. But I worry that all of the girls she likes are straight, or at least haven't come out yet. I feel bad that she won't get to have the experience of innocent puppy love because she's not exposed to any other gay children that I know of. We have a wonderful gay youth group in our area of columbus, Ohio, but I have talked to them and it seems that most of the kids are older than her, more like high school age. If anybody has any advice on how I can find more kids her age that she can be around who are going through the same experiences as she is, please let me know. I just hate to think of her feeling lonely as she grows up. We all love her very much but I know she needs more than just her family to bond with if she is to truly thrive. Thanks for your time and any pointers you might have!
     
  2. Gates

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    I have no advice to offer but wanted to say that you are an AWESOME mom. Wow.
     
  3. Claudette

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    It can be very difficult for one so young to be out, as you can imagine, not a great number of kids have the courage to do so.
    However coming out to you now, and your acceptance of it will save her a great deal of anxiety and stress.
    she will have her "puppy love" it may come at a later age, but in the long run it is very beneficial that she came out at such a young age, and even more so that you accept her for it.
     
  4. lovely lesbian

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    I have no advice but your an awesome parent
     
  5. KitsMum

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    Hi Kat,

    I'm in kind of a similar position. My son is 11 and only very recently came out to me, but no one else as yet. I don't know any other gay children either, but I do know a few gay adults, but with my son not ready to tell anyone else yet that does mean he can't really talk to any of them about it at the moment. It is, however, something normal in our lives that some people are gay, and I think that's probably important for him to see that it's a normal and OK thing.

    I hadn't even thought of looking for a gay youth group for my boy, but I expect if there is one here then it would also be a similar situation with no one else so young. I guess at such a young age they couldn't really attend without their parents knowing, and not everyone's ready to come out to parents so young. But maybe you could get in touch with them again and see if there might be a few people you and your daughter could meet.

    Statistically there are fewer gay people, so that does narrow the field, but that doesn't mean your daughter needs to be lonely. There will be someone special for her, but having a relationship isn't the be all and end all, friendships are also important and there's nothing to stop her having great friends.

    You can only do your best, and that's all most kids need x
     
  6. Clay

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    You probably wont be able to find any kids her age that have come out, or at least not a big group of them. Some people don't even realise they're gay then, others do but will be in the closet for years to come.

    Basically it seems like you have a great relationship with your daughter, hence her coming out far earlier than normal.

    You said you're sad for her because she'll never get to experience puppy love, but that's not a complete certainty (she might find another gay girl), and she'll most likely have crushes, but they'll probably be on straight girls and therefore unrequited. It's just one of the downsides of being gay unfortunately.

    If she has your support though, and your love, then she'll be fine. If you let her know you're there for her, that's more than enough.
     
  7. katneely

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    Wow, thanks everyone, for responding to me so quickly. All of the things said are helpful and great food for thought. I kind of figured it might just be part of the gay experience to be destined to have a certain amount of unrequited crushes, but it sucks. The fact that they are unrequited doesn't suck, I mean, that's just a numbers game. But the humiliation she would probably have to go through if anyone found out sure does. The idea that anybody could ever see my daughter as someone to be feared in any way just disgusts me.
    My oldest daughter is sixteen and one of her best friends is a very sweet gay girl . She and my youngest have talked quite a bit and I'm very happy about that. However, the friend has asked me if I would like her to introduce my daughter to some of her other gay friends. I'm a little torn. On the one hand, more people she knows that are like her in that way, the better. But I worry about exposing her to older teenagers who I don't know very well. Obviously she would never be alone with anybody. But with the computer available there is potential for so many things to go on...I am fighting that battle right now with my 14 year old son. Lol. Mainly my problem is that if she were straight there is no way in he'll I would encourage her to format relationships of any kind with older male teens. Yet I feel like the ability to be around more gay kids might trump that worry. Any thoughts?
     
  8. CuteZhemn

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    You are very awesome mother :slight_smile:
     
  9. Clay

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    Well she's going to gravitate towards other gay people naturally. She now doesn't have something in common with the majority of people, something that's incredibly important to the majority of people (think about how much movies, tv shows, songs are about relationships for example) so she's going to make gay friends regardless, whether that be in real or on the internet. Not saying she wont have straight friends, just that she'll probably make gay friends regardless of what you do there.

    I can't really help you that much more there. The only thing I can really say is for you to use your best judgement. There's teenage girls and parents on this forum who will be able to give you great advice though.
     
  10. katneely

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    That's a really good point. Every song on the radio is some terrible love song. Lol. I suppose that is very isolating to feel like none of those are about you. I guess she will naturally gravitate towards gay people as she meets more and more of them. I'm sure she will do fine. I just always want to be what she needs and not ever unintentionally get in her way as she grows into herself. Thank you guys so much for your time and advice. It is all wonderful and something I cannot find any place else.
     
  11. jule

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    Katneely, you are an amazing mum.
     
  12. BradThePug

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    You are a really awesome mother, and it's awesome that you want to help your child so much.

    You've said that you have gotten in contact with a gay youth group, but have you tried contacting Stonewall Columbus? They might be able to point in the right direction if anything like that exists in Columbus. I also would look into groups like PFLAG (I know that there is an awesome group in Columbus).
     
  13. apostrophied

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    Good job, mom!

    She's only 12, there's really no rush for her to be in a relationship, so don't worry about the unrequited crushes (I don't think there is even such a thing as a "relationship" at age 12 anyway lol). Sooner or later, she'll find other gay teens to hang out with. I'm not sure if I'd let her hang out with older teens at this point, 12-year-olds are very impressionable... and older teens do very stupid things all too often.

    Good luck!
     
  14. katneely

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    Thanks you guys! It's good to hear that I am going in the right direction. As parents we all want the best for our kids, and there's no damn road map so I never know.
    Stonewall Columbus is a great idea. I have spoken to the people at Kaleidoscope, which is an incredible group for gay youth. But I didn't think to contact Stonewall. I will call them on Monday, thanks.
     
  15. MsKCorleone

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    I just came here to say that you are an amazing mother and that your daughter can be happy to grow up with parents that accepting.

    Perhaps she'll make contact to other gay teens naturally, as others already mentioned. As she comes out to more and more people, she'll finally meet some gays as well. And she'll have her puppy love, I'm sure about that. Even if she is a little older by that time than most straight people experiencing it are, it will be just the same.

    I wish you and your daughter great luck with finding what you are searching for! You are definitely on the right way.
     
  16. xxScarlett23xx

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    I agree, don't concentrate too much on her finding love right now. She's still a little girl and there is plenty of time for her to grow into herself. And if you do put her in a gay youth camp/group, there she will get the experience of meeting others like herself and then probably find a relationship that way. But as a mother, it is great that you are concerned with her social welfare because, like you said, it is hard listening and watching the media and feeling like you can't relate to any of it while everyone around you can. For me, it can almost feel traumatizing. But you are a loving, caring parent who wants the best for their child- and that is honestly all she needs right now; someone to love and accept her conditionally.
     
  17. stocking

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    Wow your a great mom for being understanding and caring , I wish I could be this honest with my mom but I know she will not like me being a lesbian and might lash out at me .

    I think high school years are a good for girls who are bisexual or lesbian to meet other girls that are lesbian or bi . what you may want to do is find out if her high school or future high school as a gay straight alliance club . or see if there are lgbt friendly groups in your town for girls her age but I think for her age a gay straight alliance club is the best because most of them I've seen are for adult lesbians . but there are some support places that are for kids I saw online in my town .
    Being a lesbian isn't always lonely well it is for some of us because either we're not out or we're mistake for being straight because we don't fit the lesbian stereotype .
    I'm pretty much closeted so I think that's why I don't have a girlfriend but I think because your daughter is out and proud she will not be lonely and will find someone . Plus she has loving supporting parents that care for her which some of us don't have so I think she will be fine .
     
  18. YuriBunny

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    You're such a great mom! :slight_smile:

    Yeah, being gay can feel lonely sometimes. It seems like practically everyone is straight, and it's hard to relate to people. For example, if my friends talk about boys around me, I feel left out because I don't have anything to say and can't even figure out which boys are apparently the 'cute ones'. -.- As for crushes, I have a crush on one of my friends, and she knows this, and I simply have to accept that the chance of her ever liking me back is very small.

    But it seems a lot of girls are bisexual nowadays. In fact, there are at least five out-of-the-closet bi girls at my school. If she hasn't already, your daughter will probably meet bisexual girls at school. ^^ Also, many high schools have LGBT clubs. When she goes into high school, she could join one of those. Although finding relationships when you're gay can be difficult, it is possible. But for now, the simple fact that you care about and accept your daughter is probably enough for her.
     
  19. charmander

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    You seem to be one of the most awesome mothers of all time
     
  20. happydavid

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    You seem to have lots of compliments. They ate all deserved. I am so proud of you for loving your daughter so much that you can let her be h(*hug*)erself.
    I can't give you any advice but if you ever need a friend:smilewave I'm here