Is my brother gay or bisexual or confused?

Okay, my brother has just come out. Well on Sunday. And we've just had a proper talk about it. I told him that I love him etc, I don't like the idea of what he likes/wants to do with other men but I'm his brother so will stick by him. Even though it's making me very uncomfortable.

Anyway. He just told me when he was around 12 he had a girlfriend and was turned on by her, they did stuff. He made a new group of friends and he says he was very homophobic at the time, but all his friends claimed they were bisexual (they're all straight now) and they were just people and he eventually accepted that. They asked him whether he'd kissed a boy before and he said no, but did so because he wanted to. He said it turned him on, and eventually his attraction towards women completely diminished. Says he can kiss a girl now and not feel anything at all. He said a girl tried to perform oral on him and he couldn't/didn't want to get it up. He's nearly 17 now, so he said for the past 4/5 years he hasn't felt anything towards girls.

I'm confused though. Why would he have been attracted to girls when he was a bit younger? I thought typically, gay men/women knew from a very early age? He also says he hasn't done anything with a guy apart from groping and kissing. And watching gay porn. He said he used to watch lesbian but eventually he couldn't get it up so moved to gay, strictly.

Like I said I'll be his brother whatever, but I'm confused as to why he was attracted to girls, and not now. And why would he suddenly 'want' to kiss a guy when he'd liked girls? Would that first kiss with a guy have suddenly turned him? Or would the fact he was going through puberty and had become gay the reason he willingly wanted to kiss this boy?

There's no one I can talk about this at home at all, and he's adamant he's gay - if he is then I'll accept that, but from what he's told me could he be confused? I'm very confused too, and trying to be the cool one in the family.

 

Thanks for the quick response. So, what I don't understand is, if a gay man has always been gay, then surely he wouldn't have been able to 'get it up' so to speak, when he was with the girl, before he had kissed this boy? I mean, did you ever get erections off girls before you realised you were gay? Is it likely over the past 4/5 years if he hadn't kissed this boy he would have realised he was gay from talking to/being touched by guys etc?

I mean, I'm straight. I legitimately know I am and I'm 24. I made a couple of threads about me having OCD/HOCD and how it's spiked since my brothers coming out, but I've never once wanted to try kissing one of my friends just to 'try it out'. That's what I don't understand why he even thought about it, was it simply because he was gay already?

 

Thanks for your replies. I suppose am here to try and understand my brother more (and to help with the family because my parents are finding it very difficult). I asked him questions, but due to my obsessive mind - at least, I'm really hoping it us just that - I'm trying to work out the difference between him and I. I was asking him questions regarding his sexuality, and then just comparing it to situations I've been in.

So, tell if if I'm wrong, but am I right in thinking, he's always been gay, or at least his sexuality came into play when he started to develop through puberty. The fact he *wanted* to kiss his guy friend was the start of it. The fact he had an erection with a girl once/used to watch lesbian porn was simply because it was his first time with a girl/the excitement etc caused him to feel that, it was new to him. But then once he developed more so, his attraction to boys became more prominent, his lack of attraction towards women became apparent and therefore he realised that he has no attraction to women at all - the way he put it was when he was with a guy kissing him, he was 'up', when he was kissing a girl he was completely 'down'. Same when last year he tried doing stuff with a girl to see if he was bisexual he couldn't get it 'up'. Which shows me that he's gay, at least since puberty. I mean, it's a difficult thing to hear from my little brother, and like I said we're all finding it difficult but if that's him then we'll just have to adjust.

I suppose my problem is, right now I'm scared. I'm scared for my brother in case he does something with a guy, realises he's not gay and it screws him up.

I'm scared for myself as well. I've said I suffer from OCD and I had a real fear, when I was around 16, of homosexuals - I don't know why and please don't judge me, and my OCD was contamination/germ based at the time, along with recurring thoughts of death and catching an illness. Then when I was around 20 I was being called gay by a friend and I started to doubt myself even though I'd liked girls etc. Now my mind is completely going haywire. I'm thinking, well if my brother is gay, what about me? Then I think of times I've 'checked' for a response watching TV or being with friends and I don't get anything, but then I started reading about people coming out later in life, they were able to have sex with women but were still gay. My fear is what if I'm gay but I don't know I'm gay, and realise later, though I don't want to be.

That's my fear. Because I don't want to be gay. I mean, if I was gay, surely if my friends who are guys when they mess around and put their hand on my leg/crotch etc to scare me (because I used to freak when I was younger, they were all fine) I'd get an erection? Because right now I get anxious because I have a fear of getting an erection. If I was gay would I have enjoyed kissing my exes and other girls, and performing sexual acts on them, and them on me? Would I have even been able to get it up? Would I have ejaculated in my pants because I was so excited when being on top of them? Even the slightest touch/flirtatious text from a girl excites me, causes me to become erect. But then in my mind I keep thinking 'what if?'. But I'm thinking, I don't want to be with a man, whereas my brother has said he wants a boyfriend and has even dated guys. I've been on 'man-dates' with my friends, but it's just we talk, have a drink, go home. It's just as friends. I've got unchanged in front of my friends, and they've done the same, and I've never been, as my brother says 'up'. But at the same time in my mind there's this constant doubt and I keep checking in case I feel anything, looking at my friends in case there's a response. But the thought of it makes me uncomfortable. Friends make eye contact with me and I avoid contact because I start to feel awkward/anxious. If it was a girl doing it I'd like it. My best friend has at times sent me pictures/video's of him with his penis out on Snapchat etc - he's straight, he does it because he finds it funny - but I feel anxious when they come through. I don't become erect. I've had girls send me pics/videos of them doing stuff and I've become erect straight away, jerked off. A girl text me saying she liked me the day before yesterday and it turned me on, a girl was texting me yesterday saying about a friends with benefits situation and it turned me on, made me excited. I've always wanted a girlfriend, a wife, kids, grow old with my wife etc. But like I said, my mind is fighting me. My brother has said he's received video's of girls doing stuff and he feels nothing at all, he's almost disgusted, whereas they turn me on.

I haven't had intercourse yet. I've wanted to, my ex wanted to but I was nervous because I want to wait for marriage, but it still turned me on her talking about it. I suggested we did other stuff which I wanted to do, but we broke up, lol. Then I tried ages to win her back, but I didn't and I've been single since. And now I'm worrying myself.

I'm ranting here. Sorry. There's a lot going on at the moment. I'm struggling with my brother, to be as accepting as possible and love/treat him the same... because he's my brother. My parents are in tears, my mum is struggling so much so am trying to be the strong one, but now I'm dealing with this other crap, and I'm just hoping it's my OCD and nothing else.

 

Hey, thanks for the replies.

Yeah, I think that's the case, though it's still a shock for all of us, mum isn't taking it very well at all, keeps crying, though am trying to help her. He seems to be acting different. Lying to us where he's going, saying he doesn't care that my mum is so upset and it's not fair on him, saying she's never treated him fairly, looking at her likes she's dirt, told us he's smoking pot and kissing all these different guy's all over the place... the atmosphere here isn't great. So help here would be great?

Erm, whenever I masturbate I either think of past sexual experiences, i.e. the last girl I was with (in specific me going down on her, though it usually develops to sex), or imagine me with girls who I know. Though, even as I say this, my mind is trying to saythis isn't the case, when I know adamantly I haven't. I recall having a wet dream whereby I was having intercourse (it was very graphic) when I was about 17 or so, with a woman and I could genuinely "feel" it. I've never thought about a man, in fact - whilst I've been in this state I've attempted testing myself when the thoughts appear and leaving them to run havoc, instead of shaking my head to get rid of them, but the results appear to do the complete opposite for me, i.e. I'm flaccid. So I guess I can stop worrying myself, eh? Well, I'll probably be okay for the next half an hour or so, lol.

I've just come back for the doctors, been prescribed medication. Told him what I've said here, backtracked with the fact I've been erect for women, girlfriends, enjoyed being with them etc., and he said that it's just my OCD/mind playing tricks on me - so I guess I'll have to take his word for it, and see how this medication goes, until I go again.