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My son told me that he thinks he is gay

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Mumof3, Apr 20, 2014.

  1. Mumof3

    Mumof3 Guest

    Hiya, firstly i hope i have posted this in the right place!

    My 13 year old son recently told me through text messages that he thinks that he is gay, and asked me how i felt about it.

    To be honest it was a shock at first hearing it from him, but for a long while the thought has crossed my mind that he could be, i just always put it to the back of my mind really until now.
    Anyway, i knew that i had to tread lightly and be careful how i reacted to the news, so i replied back quickly, (Imagining how nervous he was feeling waiting for my reply, bless him)

    And i said, "Ok, thank you for letting me know. Please dont be embarrassed it's not a bad thing is it?"
    And i asked if he wanted to carry on texting me or come into the living room to talk with me.
    He came in crying and i reassured him it was fine, and i told him you might wonder why i'm not making a big deal out of it, but that's because if i did, then it would make it look like a problem when it really isn't.
    I asked him how long he had felt this way and he said a long time.
    He has recently told his 2 best friends at school (girls) and they were cool with it, so i am happy he has them to talk to also.
    I made it clear that i was here to talk to whenever he wanted me to and that i loved him very much and nothing has changed etc and he seemed so relieved.

    Did i react in the right way and say the right things? I hope so, i just thought that if i make it a big thing then it makes it seem like a big thing when it shouldn't be really. I don't want him to feel like it makes him different or not normal.

    I would never let it show to him, but deep down i am disappointed, if that's the right word.
    I can't help the way it makes me feel.
    Of course i would never let him know that, as long as he is happy and can be open with me then that is the main thing.

    I felt bad but i snooped through his phone and read some texts to one of his female school friends, and he describes to her how he cant stop thinking about this guy at school and how it's awkward and sad knowing this guy will never like him the way he likes him.
    And she reassures my son in not getting too attached to the guy at school as she doesn't want to see him get hurt.
    So she seems a good friend for him to have and confide in.
    Maybe i shouldn't have looked in his phone, but i just wanted to see if he mentioned anything to his friends like this. And it has now reassured me that his friend seems to look out for him and is a nice girl so that makes me happy.


    He says he "Thinks" he is gay, do you think he said it like that instead of just he is gay, just to test what my first reaction would be, or just because he only thinks he is?

    Right now i have a million things going round my head and to be honest it's mostly how other people will react to the news whenever he chooses to tell anyone else.
    I think our immediate family will be fine, but i'm not 100% sure of course.

    A few years ago when he was 10/11 years ago he got bullied at school by other boys who used to call him gay.
    And it really used to upset him, the school dealt with it fantastically but it still hurt him deep down.
    I told him that if i ever heard anyone being horrible like that again then they would have me to deal with, that made him smile, but obviously i can't be there 24/7 i just hope he doesn't get a hard time at high school about it if/when he comes out properly. If his friends are as nice as they sound then hopefully they will look out for him there too.


    Is there any books, websites things that i can read or suggest he has a look through that may help at this time, as his head must be full of questions and confusion too,i had a look on google but not sure what the best sites are to look at.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    i told him you might wonder why i'm not making a big deal out of it, but that's because if i did, then it would make it look like a problem when it really isn't.

    +10 points.

    Nail on the head.

    You told him it's OK and you support him, you've let him know you're there for him if he needs it. These are all good things.

    He may well have said he THINKS he's gay just in case you freaked out. It is also possible that he might be bisexual...but basically it's up to him to come to that conclusion, and he will in time. Just be supportive like you have been so far no matter what conclusion he eventually comes to.

    I would never let it show to him, but deep down i am disappointed, if that's the right word.

    IS that the right word? What exactly do you mean by this?
     
  3. AwesomGaytheist

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    You hit a home run on this one. I can think of so many members on this site that would have given anything to have a mother that would have reacted that way to their coming out.
     
  4. Mumof3

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    I would never let it show to him, but deep down i am disappointed, if that's the right word.

    IS that the right word? What exactly do you mean by this?[/QUOTE]




    I'm not sure myself, it's just how i felt when he told me. I can't help how it makes me feel. I feel disappointed, i can't help that, i'm sorry. I only found out 2 days ago, maybe i need time to get used to the idea.
    But like i said, as long as he is happy, that's the main thing and i don't want to say or do anything that would make him feel he can't ever come to talk to me.
     
  5. fortheloveoflez

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    I must say that I shed some tears after reading this post. It brings back memories.

    Anyway, I think that it was intelligent of you to at least outwardly express to him that being gay is not some huge disappointment (even if you may feel differently on the inside). As you likely can imagine, it is very hard to come to terms with it. LGBT individuals often have to cope with learning to love themselves in silence for who they are, in an environment that deems them as abnormal and often times feeds us the wrong information about lgbt issues. This is not the easiest task in the world. Typically after they borderline accept themselves or are at least midway in the process, the next step is to let others know. This can be a very heart-wrenching experience because we may feel that we won't be loved the same or even respected when we expose our true selves. This is a really sensitive period. He likely came to you because he finally had the courage to look for support and likely couldn't hold in the pain any longer. So it is a good thing that he is openly expressing himself to you.

    In addition, he likely has a hard time with unrequited infatuations...this is inevitable especially when your orientation differs from the majority of the population. I think though that, seeing you live in London, there are luckily spaces for lgbt folks to relate with one another.

    As for your final points, if he said he is gay (considering how difficult that already is) it's likely he put some thought into it and is not saying it for no reason. The "thinks" part can be his way of softening the blow. I'm not saying that there is a 100% chance that he won't ever be attracted to a woman for example, all I'm saying is that I don't think it's some thing you should wait for.

    There is a group (American though) called PFLAG. They also have website content but they are primarily geared towards parents of lgbt individuals.

    Here's a link of one of the chain-pages:
    http://www.pflagatl.org/2011/12/my-child-is-gay-now-what-do-i-do/

    Best wishes!
     
    #5 fortheloveoflez, Apr 20, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2014
  6. Mumof3

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    Thank you, i'm glad to hear that it seems that i dealt with it ok. I just hope i can continue to do the same along the way :slight_smile:

    It sad that some parents react badly, i would hate the thought of my child having to bottle their feelings up because they were scared of my reaction.

    ---------- Post added 20th Apr 2014 at 02:34 PM ----------


    Thank you for your kind words, and for the link to that site i am reading it now and it's very helpful :slight_smile:
    I also thought he said he "Thinks" he is, to soften the blow too, i keep thinking how brave he was to tell me so soon and what a weight off his mind it must be.

    I don't want to bug him or ask too much, so is it a good idea to just not mention anything about it until he mentions something about it next. Or should i casually suggest some websites he can look at or something, he might find it helpful to read some stuff like other peoples experiences in coming out etc..would that help do you think or wait till he asks?
     
  7. SemiCharmedLife

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    I would suggest scoping some resources out on your own that you can refer him to if he needs them. More than anything he needs to know that his mom supports him 100%, so just keep supporting him as you've been doing and let him know that you're there for him if he needs you.
     
  8. fortheloveoflez

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    I think that actions mean a lot. Just the fact that you are willing to talk to him about it and not shove it to the side shows that you are truly accepting his voice. I do think it is a good idea to show him websites because it really demonstrates to him that you are on his side. Often times lgbt people have this assumption that parents may not be on their side; hence why they are so afraid to come out in the first place. Because of this, it really does help when you take an extra leap to show him that you are there for him and in conclusion that he shouldn't be ashamed of his feelings.

    You seem like a very wonderful parent and your son is lucky to have you. I wish my parents did the same when I came out.

    :slight_smile:
     
  9. Clay

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    You sound like a great mum, you must have a great relationship with your son for him to confide in you like that so young. And don't worry about feeling disappointed, that's normal and like you said you can't help how you feel. Though it'll help if you figure out the reasons why you feel like that.

    Actually it's better if you do ask him about it. It might seem weird, but by coming out to you he probably wants you to ask him questions. By not bringing it up again, from his perspective, it'll look like you're just "ignoring" it. So if you do have any questions then nows the time to ask him, though avoid "how do you know if you haven't been with a girl/found the right girl yet".
     
  10. bingostring

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    I can only repeat what has been said above, but you are a great mum and it is amazing that he could approach you at that age.

    I think any perceived 'disappointment' will fall away when you see him happy and content with his life !

    xx
     
  11. Trentacles

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    yeah honestly you handled this real well. good job.

    i would definitely say the "i think" part was to test you and give himself an out if you weren't supportive.

    ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2014 at 02:27 AM ----------

    definitely. i've been getting this from my mum and it's annoying. trust me, you don't need to be with a girl to know.
     
    #11 Trentacles, Apr 20, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2014
  12. johnnyr860

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    I just wanna start by commending you on being so supportive on your son for coming out to you. Coming out for people is about one of the hardest things they may feel they have to do in their lives because they do not know how their peers will react when they find out the truth about them. It is good that he came out to you instead of having to sit there and live a lie to you.

    The good news is he came and told you the truth even if that was through a text message that just means he was more comfortable doing it that way. You accepted him and sure at first it may feel like it can be a hard thing to come to terms with because he just told you the news. I understand that deep inside you might feel a little sad or disappointed as you mentioned in your post but give it time.

    With time you will find yourself able to make things better and become more accepting of him and his sexuality. Right now he needs your support more then ever and the best you can do is just be there and show him that you support and love him the same as your son no matter what. He needs that support system and eventually hopefully with time you will find that you are closer to him then you were before and that feeling of disappointment might be a thing of the past.

    As for your question of could he be gay since he said he thinks he might be well honestly yes I believe he could be gay but at 13 I see a lot of stories of teenagers who go through puberty and find out that it was just a case of puberty and by the time they are much older they are not feeling the same way and discover they are not really gay.

    However that being said we should never assume anything. He is still a young man exploring his life and if he tells you that he is gay then I would just support him and love him the same don't assume otherwise because you never know. Good luck to the two of you and I hope you can become closer as a family :slight_smile:
     
  13. katwat

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    Hi there Mumof3,

    My daughter came out to me as bisexual last year when she was just 12. I know the "oh man don't let me mess things up" panic feelings and the "it would be so much easier if" feelings that go along with it. I found this site looking for advice on how not to make my daughter feel like I was ashamed of her when I was wanting to talk to her about being careful in our very (insanely so) conservative area and with some of our equally conservative family.

    The path our kids are walking is a tougher one than either of us had figured on. The good thing is both your son and my daughter will be walking it with the love and support of their moms (I don't know about you but I personally will kick the snot out of anyone who dares to hurt my baby) so they are going to be okay. There are going to be people who will be cruel because of who our kids love. That is awful but we can deal with it just like we would deal with those people who would be cruel about their height (too tall/short) or weight (too thin/fat) or any other thing that nasty, cruel people would chose to be cruel about. We prep our kids so they know that there are people like that out there. We teach them that those people's opinions matter less than that of an ant. We let our kids know that no matter what we will be there to love them and support them. We hold them when they cry and we cheer them on when they overcome obstacles. We react as MOM because that has not changed. Your son is slightly different than you have envisioned him his life unto this point. My daughter is slightly different than I thought she was. BUT they both love and trust their mom enough to come to us with a huge issue that they have been carrying around inside of themselves. You are a successful mum if your kid can come to you and tell you this big news. If you have done such a wonderful job up to this point that your kid could do this then you are going to do a wonderful job now that things have jumped to a slightly different track. Your baby boy is still your baby boy. He has not changed. Your vision of him has slightly altered but that alteration came with the knowledge that your relationship with him is solid.
    You got this! You are going to be fine. Your son is going to be fine.
     
  14. Mumof3

    Mumof3 Guest

    Thank you all for your very positive replies and for all of the advise on how to handle it all next with him.

    I am so glad i came on here now, it as really helped me to get my head around things and i think it's awesome that they have sites full of support like this for everyone, you must all find it so helpful too :slight_smile:
     
  15. Chip

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    Just want to echo everyone else's thoughts: You've done a fantastic job of supporting your son, and said exactly what he needed to hear.

    Couple thoughts:

    First, the sense of disappointment is entirely normal, and you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed about it. He's been thinking about and dealing with this for a long time, you're just learning about it (or at least, just got confirmation.) So there are stages everyone goes through when processing any loss -- in this case, loss of perception your son is straight -- and they are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. It can take 5 minutes or 5 years to go through the stages, though in your case it's a lot closer to the former. So give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling, because that's how we process these sorts of feelings.

    Also, I feel pretty confident in saying that your son is almost certailnly gay. The "thinks he is" is a common "hedge" that kids use when coming out to parents, sort of a trial balloon, so that if the parent goes ballistic and threatens to throw them out of the house or whatever, they can take it back and claim they figured out otherwise. Sad that kids of that age have to think in terms of those contingencies, but it comes up in many, many discussions of the coming out process that we have here.

    So... give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling, and know that you're doing a fantastic job.
     
  16. BMC77

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    The #1 web site I recommend at PFLAG meetings (and recently a LGBT center) is this one.
     
  17. Mumof3

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    Thank you, that makes a lot of sense, it has made me feel a little better about how i first felt.
    He is due home from his grandmothers very soon and i may try to have a casual chat with him about some stuff, see how he reacts to me wanting to talk about it and if he is willing to want to talk about it with me some more.

    ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2014 at 03:55 AM ----------




    I thought about letting him know about this site too, but now that i have posted on here i would hate him to find my posts and think badly of me that i have been talking about him online, even if it is only for advise.

    Plus, i think some of the content on here in other threads isn't really suitable for 13 year olds to read, some of it even made me go :eek: LOL!
     
  18. PatrickUK

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    Can't add much to the excellent advice you've already been offered, but I can offer a bit of a UK perspective.

    Websites:
    Stonewall.org
    Homepage | Stonewall Youth
    Home Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (may have a local group in/around London + Facebook page)
    London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard
    Our charity | Terrence Higgins Trust (For sexual health issues)

    All of these websites are excellent sources of help, information and advice for you and your son. Take a good look at them.

    Your response has been excellent. Be proud of yourself and know that you have made the world of difference in responding the way you did. It would have taken so much courage for him to have told you.

    Will his feelings change in time? Who knows. It is possible, but mine never did. If you continue to stand by him, love him and watch out for him during his school years you will have the greatest relationship with him.

    Don't be afraid to ask him questions - he'll probably value your interest.. as long as you don't do the heavy Mum routine :slight_smile:

    Keep checking on here too and posting updates. We love to know how things are going and will do what we can to help.
     
  19. Mumof3

    Mumof3 Guest




    Thank you for those links, the stonewall youth website looks like one he may like to take a look at.
    I sincerely appreciate how much help, advise and support everyone has given me in such a short time on here :thumbsup:
     
  20. I definitely agree with this. I came out to my mom about a year ago, and she hasn't mentioned it since. I feel like she's completely ignoring it. It's possible that she just doesn't want to make me feel awkward by bringing it up, but her silence kind of worries me. She said she was fine with it when I came out to her, but now I'm starting to think she just said that so that she wouldn't hurt me by telling me how she really feels. Also, she recently pointed a guy out to me and said, "Isn't he hot?" I didn't respond, but inside I was like, "I told you I'm gay. Have you just forgotten or are you hoping to change my mind?" Now I'm scared to bring it up again.