New Here ... Mom with Question about 9 y/o Son ... Advice Needed.

I mean probably just wait. He's 9. I doubt he's started puberty yet. I didn't figure out that I liked guys until about 2 years ago. I got confronted by my mum about gay porn she found a couple of weeks and it's definitely terrifying to have a parent confront you about it. She basically just cornered me until I admitted that I liked guys and I suggest avoid ever doing that.

You could always just turn on parental controls on the PSVita and iPhone if you don't want him looking at porn.

 

Well...all that can really be said is well done for being supportive, and also, turn on the parental controls on his devices...

Honestly you are unlikely to get anything out of him if you keep bugging him, and you DEFINITELY won't get anything out of him if the conversation starts with "We found your porn AGAIN"...I don't know about you but I definitely don't feel like sharing stuff with someone who has come to tell me I've done something wrong!

 

At his age, no it's not acceptable. But when he's older and in his later teenage years, after he's learned about sex, as long as he uses it responsibly and not compulsively, pornography can be a part of a normal, healthy sex life.

As for the question of his orientation, he may know he's gay already, if he even is. Some people, like me, realize they like the same sex when they're in their teens (I was 14) and some people, like my boyfriend, knew right when they started getting interested in sex that they liked the same sex.

He may just be curious, and he may actually be gay. Just be supportive and show him your love. How you handle this is going to be a big factor in how he feels about coming out to you when the time comes if he's gay.

Another thing is that it's actually quite normal for boys and girls his age to be looking at porn these days, sadly. In 1989, the average age that a boy first saw pornography was 15, and in those days it was usually Playboy, which is more of nude modeling than actual pornography, IMO. Nowadays it's 11 and dropping. I'm 19, and I first saw nude pictures when I was 8 or 9, and I saw hardcore porn for the first time when I was 10. And really, at that age, the type of porn they're watching doesn't give as much an insight to their orientation as it would someone who was out of puberty. I'm 100% gay and when I was 10, I was looking at straight porn. As for him saying that he thinks that girls are gross, that's not an indicator either. The reason why: He's 9. I remember being in 3rd grade and everyone in the class was downright disgusted at having to sit boy-girl-boy-girl at our tables. It's normal to think that the opposite sex is gross when you're that age.

I say that the best thing for you to do at this point is to put a filter on the computer, Xbox, iPod, etc. Here's the link to a free one you can download. (K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filter and Parental Control Software | Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software)

 

Well first off, though I'm sure you've already guessed, it seems like your son is gay if he finds girls gross and is specifically looking at gay porn.

Second it's good that you're there for him and have shown him love and support, that will go a long way, but chances are he doesn't fully know that he's gay yet. It looks like he's just figuring himself out. I didn't even have an interest in sex until I reached puberty at about 12/13, so I had no idea I was gay before then.

Third, he's going to look at porn whether you like it or not. While it's great that you don't want him to (I agree he's only nine) he will. Every teenage boy watches porn. I just went and checked a news article (don't think I can link it) and in 2012 the biggest porn website was receiving 4.4 billion page views and 350 million unique visits per month. That means only sites like Google and Facebook surpass it. And a 9 year old looking at porn isn't good, but it's not that unusual. Me and my best friend walked in on his 8 year old brother watching porn once.

Anyway, point is you're telling him that he should be honest with you, yet you're telling him it's not acceptable to look at porn. While it might seem obvious to a teenager not to tell their parents they're watching porn, to a nine year old who probably hasn't figured himself out yet, those two pieces of advice might be confusing. You're telling him to be honest with you, yet you're telling him that he'll get in trouble if he's honest.

So maybe a good way to go about the situation would be to tell him that if he ever has any questions then he can talk to you and his dad about it. Less emphasis on "don't look at porn", and more emphasis on "we're here for you". You don't have have to tell him not to look at it, just go about the situation slightly differently. You could also say that, if he ever wants to talk to you about anything, he wont get in trouble. Even if you suspect the question might be because of porn, by telling him that he wont get in trouble if he talks to you will help build up trust.

Another thing, instead of asking him if he's gay, ask him if there's anyone he likes? You might get a straighter answer than "I don't know" if you go about it like that.

But yeah, as long as you tell him he can talk to you about anything, and you love him and are there for him, everything should generally be alright. You sound like a great mum.

 

First you and your husband are AWESOME parents for supporting him! That said I wonder if he is just curious about your gay friends and what they do "behind closed doors". I'm a firm believer that kids are very influenced by the grown ups in their life...whether they be biological relationships or not. If that is the case here then I would say your gay friends may have indirectly influenced his curiosity. At this point I would say that's all it is. As far as him saying that girls are gross...well that might and probably will change once he hits puberty.

 

It's a tough situation. As you pointed out it's hard to prevent access to it. It's nowhere near what it was like when we were growing up. I didn't see my first pornographic material until I was around fourteen, and even then it was only straight porn in a magazine. I didn't see gay porn until I got access to the internet roughly around seventeen / eighteen.

Whether he is gay or not, really, in the end is irrelevant. The circumstantial evidence points to it being a high probability, but he probably needs more time and space to figure things out on his own. That will come naturally with time.

Of course, I'd avoid bringing up 'are you gay?' questions in the context of 'I found you looking at porn again'. It's hard to separate the conversations, considering the contents of the porn, but at the same time he's so young I'd be worried about sending the wrong message and the two things becoming conflated in his head.

Good advice is hard to give here, since I think the crux of the issue is the lingering question: 'Is he gay?'

Personally, I wouldn't pressure him on the topic. I'd focus on creating the most welcoming and supportive household possible, so that in the future if he is gay and ready to come out - that he can do so knowing he'll be coming out to a welcoming and supportive environment. I'd bring in your gay friends closer, so that they can be positive role models for him - especially if they're in healthy and happy relationships. Unfortunately, a lot of gay people don't really have many role models. So having someone in his life living an 'average' life will help him understand that he isn't different from anyone else if he is gay. Even if he turns out to be straight as an arrow, it's still modeling good values that you'd want him to possess. So, it's not a wasted effort.

I'd wait a bit until the porn issue calms down, and then I'd have his Dad talk to him about masturbation. If he's going back to porn again and again - all the signs are there that he's probably masturbating. You're going to want him to have the conversation about it being normal, healthy, and part of developing sexual feelings and growing up.

Also, if the porn issue comes up again, I'd try to avoid just porn = bad. I'd try and talk about WHY it's bad for someone so young to watch it. For example, porn is fantasy and doesn't reflect a real sexual relationship. You could talk to him about porn objectifying people, and talk about what objectification is and why it's wrong. You could talk about the fear of how, especially so young, it could model the way he views a sexual relationship.

Of course, all of this is true regardless whether we're talking about gay porn or straight porn. In the end, I'd sit down and look inward and try to figure out WHY I feel porn is bad for someone so young to view. That way I can actually explain my reasoning, and don't have to give the standard: "because it's wrong", "because I said so", or "because I said it was inappropriate for someone of your age" - all things I'd likely say in the heat of the moment.

I'd also have this value discussion with his dad. Make sure you're both on the same page on the reasons why viewing it is wrong, so that you both can re-enforce each other. Because, I doubt this will be the last time you find him with porn.

Oh, and I'd also have a long talk to him about internet safety. The last thing you want is for him to side-step your no porn restrictions, by discovering live cam chat rooms. There are plenty of places like that online, and a lot of them can't be blocked. Sooner or later, he's also going to be able to outsmart you by sidestepping your controls and covering his tracks.

 

Well, I don't have a WHOLE lot to add. I think you're a very caring and supportive parent, so well done for being an awesome mum!

Some people know their sexuality before they even hit puberty. So it's possible he knows, or maybe he's just curious. Either way, it's all ok. You are correct, he should not be accessing that kind of material.

I know that it's 2014 and all.... but if I had a 9 year old kid myself, they wouldn't have their own Iphone... or computer.... They would have allocated and supervised time with a shared computer. But, that's a parental choice. It would just mean that he wouldn't have such... ease of access.

 

Well, that sounds like an issue. Although I think I can understand why your son may be reluctant to talk. Speaking as a kid myself, no child wants to be caught red-handed by their parents doing something they're not supposed to. So he might just be super embarrassed that you caught him again, and ashamed that he has to talk about it. Like others have said, kids tend to get uncomfortable talking about sex stuff with parents, especially masturbation because it focuses on what they're doing. I know I don't want my mom and dad asking me about that kind of stuff. So like Chip said, if he has, then that could be a large part of why he's reluctant to talk.

As for making sure he doesn't do it again, you can set up controls on your home WiFi and block any kind of pornography site. Open up a Command Prompt window (Start-->run-->type "cmd") and enter "ipconfig" to show your computer's IP address. Copy the numbers in the "Default Gateway" into your web browser and that should bring up a dialogue box. Enter your username and password into that box and it'll bring up your router settings. From there you can set up restrictions on your Internet and control what your son can access. Those will affect any devices on your wireless, so nobody connected to your WiFi will be able to access those sites unless you set up an override code. It won't affect 3G though, so if he uses his iPhone for it you won't be able to block him if he's not connected to your WiFi. However, I believe iPhones have a control setting as well, but I'm not sure. I don't have one, so I'm not really sure how they work.

I would also do what Aldrick said and try to explain to him why porn is bad. The surefire way to get a kid to do something is to tell them not to. Defiance is natural. But if you can explain to him why porn is bad and how it can affect him, that may help in getting him to stop more than just saying it's bad. Kids don't listen to that; I would know, I am one. Another suggestion I might make is making sure he only accesses the Internet in a common area of the house; don't let him take wireless devices to bedrooms or anyplace where he can use them unsupervised. He probably won't look at porn where he knows you guys could catch him. I know it may seem like you're being really overbearing, but if you're worried about him looking at it, making sure he's always supervised on the Internet is a good way to prevent it. Also, keeping up with the random checks is good, provided you do them frequently enough that he knows they're coming. But those only work until he either discovers he can clear his history or until he discovers private mode. Just make sure he stays unaware of those and the random checks will help, along with the other suggestions.

On another note, I'm glad you seem so supportive about the fact that it's gay porn rather than straight/lesbian porn. Your son is lucky to have you guys, and I hope he knows that. There are parents out there who would completely lose their shit if they caught their kid looking at gay porn. However overbearing you guys seem, you're a whole lot better than some.

 

Honestly? Get some filtering software and block access to porn sites. Your son's sexuality will develop but the important thing here is that he's seeing porn and he's not even 10.

 

9 years old. Oh that's young. But I don't know about filtering and blocking sites, I think every teenager (13-) should have access because that's really where they learn the facts of human biology; where the bits go and where they don't

 

I feel like a 9 year old is WAY too young to be learning about sex from porn. He hasn't even started sex ed yet, so you might want to give him a serious discussion about the realities of sex so he doesn't mistake porn being the same thing.

 

First what kind of parental contol do you have. I think someone gave you a link. Second and I mean this not to be judgemental do you think it's a way of him getting extra attention from mum or dad. I don't think it's bad parenting. I feel that you have been supporting enough to go on this site and asking site to try and get awnsers. plus its great that you are going to accept him regardless of how he turns out. Finally it's likely this could be a phase he grows out of. I'm hoping that you can resolve this issue asap. I'm not sure what I can do but if you need someone just send me a message

 

You can contact your ISP and have porn sites blocked.

 

Definitely block the porn, its good that you're accepting and all, and I'd agree 9 is way too young for porn, its not an accurate depiction of sex but idealized fantasies, which is probably not something he'll have a grasp on until he's older. Definitely block the sites, with different passwords than you normally use, but other than that there's not too much else you can do.