New and need advice about my son

It’s not supposed to be this way round! Can social pressure and conformity be so strong it makes him unable to accept himself, even though his family does?

Oh heavens yes. Keep in mind that there is a sense of 'your family HAVE to love you because they are family'. Don't get me wrong, we rarely see that around here, but it is something you sort of expect a lot of the time. I mean, you described your son earlier, so let me ask you this. If he had come to you saying he didn't think he was attractive, do you think he would believe the things you said about him? Or is it more like he would think 'well mum HAS to say that'!

If he IS gay (and I have to admit he definitely sounds like he might be) he is probabkly having a hard time dealing with it. Keep in mind that while YOU would accept him for it, that doesn't mean that everyone else will. Look around at any piece of news to do with LGBT stuff and you will hear about this person that was killed, these people were beating, so and so was burned alive and its now illegal to be gay in such and such. Even closer to home almost everyone knows at least one person who constantly uses gay people as the punchline in jokes and everyone just goes along with it...my point is that even if the reality is that it isn't THAT bad all the time, it certainly SEEMS like a scary world when you are hovering by the door!

If you're going to try and get him to talk, leave sexuality WAY out of it. Don't even bring him up. You've told us he is angry and distressed and seems to have a significant change in attitudes at home and with his friends. You can approach him with those without going NEAR sexuality.

Chances are he won't talk to you anyway, but basically all you are doing is showing him that you are there to talk IF HE NEEDS TO. You're not trying to force him to say anything he doesn't want to, you are just letting him know you are there.

---------- Post added 28th Apr 2014 at 02:47 PM ----------

EDIT: Just to add. I was angry constantly, different in social situations and refused to talk to anyone when I was his age. It took me until I was 22 to reach breaking point and get help, now I'm here.

 

His age where boys try their hardest to become man. Being a man, in that twisted teenager boy mind, not involve including your mom to your problems, acting tough(even you are gay). And they are touchy... I've seen it with my friend, my brother and in myself... we can put ladies in shame about being touchy about everything. We feel like world is out there to get us, make fool of us and break our precious tough posture in life.

Hardest part of being a gay indivudal perhaps, even if you know it, accepting who you are. He will face his demons anytime soon.

So my best advice for you to act as a safety net. Not get in his way but watch and let him know he can come to you anytime with anything.

 

You mentioned that he was bullied quite badly in a previous school. Do you remember what that was about?

 

By the sounds of it he's going through the five stages of grief. He's on anger right now, and it looks like he hates himself for being gay, which is why he's reacting so badly.

I assume he's angry because he doesn't want to be gay and it's getting in the way of what he wants (to get married and have kids). Being gay is reminding him that he's not like everyone else, the things they enjoy (especially teenage boys) he can't enjoy no matter how much he wants to. This part here:

Yeah that's probably the answer. Chances are he doesn't want to be who he is because he see's it as second best. Society, unfortunately, tends to agree. Whether it be intentionally by straight up calling gay people evil, or unintentionally by showing how great it is to be straight (which is what 98% of media does).

I guess what I would do in this situation is try to speak to him. Tell him that he can talk to you about absolutely anything, you're there for him. Tell him that you've noticed he seems to be upset, and you don't want it to feel like he can't speak to you, and ask him what's wrong.

Another option, if that doesn't work, would be to get a therapist. What he's going through is normal (I'm sure all of us here have gone through what he's going through, I hated myself for years) but like you said it's not healthy. It looks like he's depressed, speaking to you or a professional might be his best option here.

 

He is probably going through various waves of thoughts and emotions, sometimes being scared of being himself and embarrassed that he ever said he was gay. So I think somehow leave him to work a few things out. When he has found someone to be close with he will feel more secure and able to talk about it.

I think older teens probably find sexuality more difficult to talk to mothers about … compared to 12, 15 year olds.

 

Wow, this is a very delicate situation.

First up - you're incredible for being so supportive. I don't think you could have done anything better up to now.

As for the situation in hand - there's really no right or wrong way to handle it. From the way you've described it, he's almost certainly primarily attracted to other guys. He'll either bury himself very deep in the closet (which is the route he's going down right now) - or at some point he'll come out. The fact that he hasn't had a girlfriend is a good sign he's being honest with himself on some level at least.

A few issues to be aware of when handling this;

1. Labels are REALLY important. You've discovered the sensitivity that he has over the word "gay" - this is normal. If you do approach the subject with him, try to use neutral language.
2. Bullying. He might not realise it but he may well be bullying suspected/openly gay people at school. Or he might be having *encounters* with them, then hating himself for it afterwards.
3. Depression/anxiety are, sadly, an inevitable reault of an internal struggle like this. The longer the struggle goes on for, the more serious it can be. For him this must seem like a monumental struggle that he is fighting against himself - things can seem black & white & facing the truth can seem impossible. Please watch out for this.

The general advice is to let people come out in their own time, just be supportive and he'll get there eventually. However, there is also an argument for *forcing* the issue with him, trying to confront him with a few cold and hard facts;

Nobody gets to choose their sexuality.
There's nothing wrong with being gay.
You can't ever be happy surpressing your natural attractions.
You can't live your life by other peoples standards. No-one else does, why should you?

If you do go this route - probably much better to do it in a letter/email form, rather than face-to-face. Gives him time to think about it & dwell on it, otherwise he'll probably just put his defensive walls up and loudly proclaim his straightness.

 

Elliebean -

You've received such wonderful advice already, that I don't have much to add of my own. I do, however, want to take a moment and point out how fantastic you are as a mother. In handling this situation, you've done everything right. If you feel at all that you've somehow let him down, or didn't do enough - don't. Many people here would do anything to have someone like you as their mother, and your son, while no doubt taking you for granted, is insanely lucky even if he may not realize it yet.

I agree wholeheartedly with everything written by ElliaOtaku, White Knight, Pluvia, Chip, and Uniqueusername3. They've pretty much covered everything that I thought to say when reading your post.

Here is what I'll add.

From my own personal experience, I've had instances where I've acted no different than your son. Moments where I freeze up, unable to answer simple questions. Moments where I've lashed out, at people who pry too much. I built a huge wall around myself and my personal life, and everything became effectively: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

From an outside perspective, I'm sure I may have looked angry or at the very least defensive. However, inwardly I was terrified. Imagine if you had discovered someone who had read your private diary where you wrote down all your most intimate thoughts. You may react angrily at the violation of privacy, but that's only on the surface. Deeper down below that, you're terrified at what they've read, what they thought, and how they might be judging you right now. That is what it was like having normal conversations that people took for granted.

Unfortunately, there isn't a lot more you can do. This is something that he's going to have to work through on his own. You can be as supportive as you like, but at the end of the day he has to come to terms with it himself. You can't work through his emotions for him. All you can do is love him, show him support, and make sure he knows that you're there for him when he's ready to talk.

Aside from that, you can specifically try to think of opportunities to create situations where he might talk to you. If he opens up a little at a time, it becomes easier. From your perspective, I'm sure him being gay is no big deal because you'll love him all the same. However, from his perspective it's likely an end-of-the-world type of situation. He's going to act in accordance with that perspective.

The best advice I can give that you haven't already received, is to look around at the influences on his life. Is he receiving anti-LGBT influences from any particular place, person, or institution? If so, limiting his access to that could help. You can also counter it by trying to put him in a position where he'll be influenced in a positive way by pro-LGBT influences.

Finally, you mentioned that he talks about LGBT people and themes all the time. When he speaks about them, does he speak positively or negatively?

 

It’s not supposed to be this way round! Can social pressure and conformity be so strong it makes him unable to accept himself, even though his family does? It’s almost like he doesn’t want to be who he is, or he sees it as second best (back to his statement that it’s "better" to marry a woman than a man?)


Obviously in glancing it has all ready been said, but absolutely yes! It seems more than likely that this is the case.


I apologize in that I have not read through all these surely wonderful responses (quick study break from finals here), but I have some brief advice.

From experience, I want to urge you to not let this "play out in time" - this could turn out very, very bad - bottling up emotion is not something to be desired in a developing teen.

Try to talk to him and get him to open up, but preface it with utmost empathy, concern, and a non-judgmental attitude with regards to whatever is happening (I know this should seem obvious coming from you, but teens have a habit of forgetting it). Then try to start small, as in "how is school going?" or whatnot, and try to build in detail from there. While I might be inclined to leave it alone if he gives nothing, based on your worries over this I would not be afraid to keep at it if you get stonewalled.

In any case, it won't be easy, so know that you're trying your best - just don't let this continue unspoken. I must stress that again.


Good luck, and I hope we've all been of help. You sound like a great mother!

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Edit: I also note in quick passing that some are suggesting it would be fine if this teenager works things out himself. I'm sorry, but I disagree whole-heartedly. There are many of us, myself included, who were also deeply struggling for one reason or another at this time in life, and desperately needed someone to help guide us. I'm sure our parents were concerned - but they to allowed time to pass with no intervention under the guise of "they should figure this out for themselves."

Please, reach out in a non-judgemental and loving way. If this does not work, I second the suggestion to look for a therapist. Please do not let this pass unheeded!

 

I'm going to say that I don't think coming out to you early is the reason for the way he's reacting. If he didn't tell you at 11 he'd have to tell you at a later date. As you can see from many threads on this forum, people are terrified that their parents will find out about them, even in situations where they're sure their parents will be supportive. He doesn't have to hide from you, he doesn't have that worry, so I highly doubt he's mortified that he came out to you at 11.

Apart from that I can't really say much more than I already have. It seems like your best option right now would be to try and speak to him about it, because it doesn't seem like the problem is going away, and he's clearly not happy.

 

Trust me it's honestly a good thing that he's out to you. There really will be an element of relief, it means when he's with you he can be free and relax as he doesn't have to worry about you figuring out he's gay.

I'm actually quite stunned about how quickly and well you came to understand his situation. That really is just a great thing to see. You seem to understand the inner turmoil he's going through, I'm really happy that you came here.

As for his image, it's hard to say. I don't come across as effeminate or camp (I've been told this without asking many times, don't really have an interest in "girly" things, have no gay friends except for ones on the internet, have straight up been propositioned by girls and even had a long term girlfriend) but, honestly, I'm quite glad I don't. At the stage he's at he might hate the fact that being gay seemingly conflicts with his "alpha male" status, but I think he'll eventually learn that it doesn't.

Really your question, him needing to know that being gay doesn't make you any less of a man? That's pretty much what I'm saying here. It seems like you've already got an incredibly good grasp on his situation. That makes me really happy to see.

 

Yes, social pressure can make the difference. Keep in mind he spends half his time at school, so whatever's going on there in terms of hearing "that's gay" etc frequently will deter him from being open about it. In particular if he fears losing friends, that can easily drive someone back in the closet. I doubt this is the case but religion too, if he goes to church often and hears negative crap about gays, will not be helpful. Also, it's possible he just hears that negativity on tv/movies.

Unless it's fear of losing friends or getting beaten at school, it should be possible to reverse all this just by showing your son some more positive images of gay life or meeting adults who are gay and happy and successful. Give it time too however. Many of us went into denial or freaked out when we realized. 11-12 is quite young.

 

Do you have any friends with LGBT children? You could get together/do activities with those families. Then he could have a bit of time where he could be himself.

Ideally, it'd be neat to find a LGBT youth group for him to go to and make friends, but that might backfire if he's not comfortable even bringing up the subject.

Or maybe be around LGBT people as part of a normal social situation and give him the option to come or not. He might not the first couple times, but then he might get more courage.

Maybe find an older gay person and covertly figure out how to get them some 1 on 1 time. (Family/friend BBQ and older gay person gets your son to go to the park and play catch or something? I'm probably not as creative as you are.) That way he could ask questions to said person on how they worked through it. Though if he's really in denial it might take a couple times before opening up.

 

Overanalyzing is... bad. When i was younger, i was CONVINCED i was transgender, and then later on, I had a change of scenery and suddenly started to doubt myself. It's socially more acceptable to be cisgendered, it's easier on my family, etc., etc., etc.

But I'm transgender. And I had to accept that, eventually.

I know it's difficult--you're his mom, you're SUPPOSED to be in his business!--but i think what you're doing now is the best. You support him, and I'm sure he knows that he can be gay and you will still accept him. He'll figure it out eventually. Some people don't even know until they're way older than him.

Also, if he's bringing it up a lot in conversations, that means he's thinking about it a lot. I know the times when I was obsessing the most about my gender were the times when I talked to my friends about it the most. I talked about it so much that some of my friends STILL stop the conversation whenever I mention gender xD (which is really annoying, to be honest -.-)

I also agree with the others that getting more older gay figures in his life gives him more opportunity to see that he can still be happy being gay. It definitely helped me to meet genderqueer and gay friends of my parents.