Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with her?

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

Don't bring it up directly. Speaking from experience, no one wants to be forced out of the closet. Just make sure (without making it obvious that you know) that you're supportive of lgbt issues. Say you saw some 'it gets better' video on YouTube and how great it is that people are doing that.

Also you had to of known at some point it wasn't a school project and kept reading. It wasn't all accidental

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

Once the OP started reading she seemed to have more concern for her daughter. It was likely the concern that kept her reading.

Is there a chance you could talk to her therapist? It might help the therapist help her more if the therapist knows where you are coming from.

I agree with the idea of bringing up LGBT issues more. When I was that age, I couldn't even dream of coming out to my parents. I thought I'd just stay in the closet forever and grow old and alone and somehow be happy.

If maybe you could get the therapist to suggest going to a youth lgbt group- that might be good for her. There's a couple people in mine that are questioning, unsure, or prefer not to label themselves. It might give her a support system outside of school.

You seem like an awesome mom

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

What great questions, and what a great thought process!

I think you're right not to bring up that you saw her journal and in fact, I'd have a ready excuse for bringing up sexuality aside from the journal, even if it's not really true.

For example, you can look to LGBTQ Nation, which is a news source that regularly has stuff that we really care about as a community. If it similarly energizes you, you can say "I read somewhere that...," it can let your daughter know that you're safe to come out to, because you're expressing support of LGBTQ people in general.

As agonizing as it is, I think the best move would be for you to be subtle in showing your support and let her make the judgment about when the best time to come out to you would be. It's frustrating and maybe even a little hurtful for you, because you know you're supportive. She doesn't, and she has to be very careful deciding who to trust. It's not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on how unsafe the whole society is around us. Things absolutely are getting better, but there are more landmines for us to negotiate than for straight, cisgender people.

Meanwhile, since you do know she's struggling, I would keep an extra eye on her mental health. If she's down or anxious, I'd pay special attention to that and try to walk that careful line between seeming too prying while at the same time interrogating those feelings a little more closely than you would normally.

The situation I am afraid of is, while I sincerely believe you should wait for her to show her hand, she might just feel hopelessly trapped. If her mental health really starts to deteriorate as sometimes does happen with queer youth, you might have to just have the conversation.

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

I agree with everyone else and your own initial instincts. You sound like a fantastic mother who greatly loves her daughter.

As a general rule, my advice is always avoiding dragging someone out of the closet before they are ready. Especially someone as young as your daughter. There are a lot of processes going on that she really needs to sort out for herself, before she's ready to accept herself as bisexual or a lesbian.

The only exception is what Pret pointed out. If you see some serious issues going on, and she's in real danger and struggling - then you might have to push the issue to get her the help she needs. That doesn't seem to be the case right now, though. It seems like she's just struggling as a normal teenager would with their sexuality, as well as normal teenage stuff at school.

The best thing you can do is find ways to show your support for LGBT issues, and make your home a welcoming and supportive environment. The more comfortable and safe your daughter feels at home and around you, the more likely she is to bring the issue up to you on her own. That's usually the best way to handle it - let her do it on her own time.

The issues surrounding sex, sexuality, and slut shaming - those can all be brought up spontaneously through normal conversations. She's thirteen, and even if she were 100% straight you'd still be having these conversations with her. There are countless opportunities to have these types of conversations that present themselves throughout the day. Asking about what is going on at school, and listening to the stories she tells you in particular could lead to interesting conversations. However, it could be just as mundane as watching a movie, TV show, or listening to the radio in the car. Simple questions about those things like: "What did you think of that?" "Do you know what that means?" Or even just you stating your opinion, "I don't like the way they treated her. It's awful the way people shame women for their sexuality. Have you ever seen someone do that before?"

Keeping your eyes open for opportunities allows you to show your support for LGBT issues as well.

It doesn't have to be a pre-planned awkward conversation with the whole, "Come here and sit down. We need to talk." It can be spontaneous and arise from just every day things. It will make it less awkward and less stilted. You are also more likely to have her be honest in those situations, as well.

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

I agree with being indirect about it, it doesn't really matter how you do it as long as you show that you are genuinely supportive of LGBT people, you could mention meeting a gay person at work and speak highly of them, providing you get your message clearly across then it shouldn't matter how you bring it up. My only word of advice is that you don't mention that you read her diary, regardless of whether it was an accident or not(and I believe it was an accident), most people wouldn't react too well, its important that if she does tell you anything, she chooses what she feels comfortable saying.

How conservative is the area you grow up in? Even if most people are fairly LGBT accepting there is almost always "internalised homophobia" which is where gay/lesbian people have feelings of guilt and shame due to absorbing more subtle comments e.g. gay being used as an insult, and over time these feeling build up, I certainly struggled with that, so it is worth considering that even if her family and friends are LGBT-friendly that feeling of shame may still exist regardless.

I agree with this, if she does seem just a bit down you can always just let her know they you love her and she can talk to you about anything she wants, just be very careful not to try and pull too much information out of her because it could just make her close up.

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

Something else you can do is watch what you say when talking about her future. One of the most difficult things for me (although I am older than your daughter) are familial expectations. While it is important to talk about the future, setting goals, having dreams,etc, things you might not even think about when you say them could be influencing her willingness to talk.

I feel heavy expectations whenever my mom says things like "you'll want to settle down some day and have kids of your own" or "just wait until your kids do this to you!" And often when things like that come up I'm 'testing the water.'

While it is important to show support for the LGBTQ community, I think it is equally important to withhold lifestyle expectations. Otherwise, she may worry about double standards. The examples I gave were fairly obvious, but other pressures can include emphasis on gender roles (giving preference to a dress over a pantsuit for middle school graduation), which for the fretful mind may be extrapolated to include marriage or lifestyle.

This was very wordy, and I'm not entirely sure I articulated what I feel correctly, but I wonder if this is something helpful?

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

Well, if you truly don't want her thinking you stumbled upon her diary, I think any unprovoked mentioning of LGBT issues and your support over it will give her a good hint... perhaps I overestimate the ability of 13 yo's, but I can imagine myself picking up on such an unsolicited comment as likely proof of their discovering this (in fact, I know that would have been the case with me, because I experienced it).

Random thought, but it is possible she wanted you to find it, and just didn't know how to bring it up - I've definitely done that before (not saying this is the case, but just a thought). Barring directly bringing something up, though, if you get any chance or if in particular you here her bring an LGBT issue up, just give as supportive and non-judgmental answer as possible; especially if it feels like she's testing you for how you might respond to her being gay/bi (again, something I did as a teen).

Really, though, I just want to commend you on seeming like an entirely awesome mother. I have no worries whatsoever in your handling of this - and frankly I'd be apt to trust your intuition with regards to the situation. Truly, the number of awesome parents that come on here to EC amazes me - the children of the 2000s cohort are in good hands!

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

Good god I wish I had a mom like you, reading what you said above. My mom has figured out that I'm gay, though she knows better than to try to ask me about it, and while she says she supports gay marriage, she says some very disapproving things and has an attitude of "I don't like this whole 'gay' thing" towards her three LGBT siblings.

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

I think you're handling the situation fantastically.

Ultimately your daughter will remember everything you say regarding LGBT issues. If you read around on this forum you'll notice that people remember comments their family members have made from years ago for example.

The important thing is that, if you have a good relationship, she will come to you eventually. If you've shown your support, and shown that she can come and talk to you about anything she wants, that's all you need to do really.

Have to ask though, are you going to tell your aunts? I'm sure they'd be able to give you some great advice.

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

I wish I could give you a big hug, EyesWide. (*hug*)

You handled everything fantastically well. It's like I said - life is filled with opportunities to have these types of conversations. Organic conversations are much easier than the standard 'come here, sit down, we need to talk' conversations in my experience. That's way more tension and build up than is necessary, and has a tendency to leave everyone a bit more guarded. So, you're doing very well.

Just keep things up, and eventually - sooner rather than later - your daughter is going to open up to you. Part of the reason she's probably being closed about things is that she's still trying to figure stuff out for herself. So, it's important to give her that space to do it on her own, and then let her talk once she's ready.

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

Just want to say you're approaching this brilliantly. Give yourself a gold star! Don't be too in-your-face, but keep on doing what you're doing.

One of the best things to do is to try to get used to standing up for LGBT issues / against discrimination in your every day life. It's not just about doing it in front of your daughter - When someone makes some stereotype joke about gays or lesbians, or talks behind the back of an openly gay/lesbian collegue/friend etc - try to learn not to keep quiet. It'll give you the confidence to help your daughter stand up for herself in the same way.

*be the woman you want your daughter to become*

edit - oh, and please don't read her diary again. However tempting it is

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

That's really good advice right there. The best way to teach children values is to model good values.

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

Oh my, I must of course say that I love my mother, but I must admit I am jealous. I am even more so unconcerned than I was before, and there was nearly none at that point!


If I didn't have a terrible time of making them awkward, I'd second Aldrick's hug! Lol, best wishes to you.

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

If only all parents were like you! I don't think that you could have handled talking to your daughter about it any better, if it was organic and she was contributing then you couldn't ask for more.

It's good to hear that your local area is supportive as well, that will make a big difference, especially if it means that her friends will be more accepting should she decide to tell them. On the subject of your aunts, is she particularly close with them? If she is then arranging for her to spend some time with them at the family gathering, even if it is just helping them unpack or something, just so she can spend some time with them and it might just make her feel more comfortable if she can see that they have a good relationship and are just like normal people, coming on EC definitely did that for me.

You seem like a very understanding and loving mother so I'm sure that your daughter is in good hands, just stay being supportive and subtle, it might be best to leave talking about it with her for a few days unless it starts spontaneously so she won't get suspicious, you will probably find that if she wants to talk about it more with you she will find a way to bring it up.

I agree with talking to your aunts about it, but it might be best to be ambiguous about it and not say which of your children you are talking about just to help preserve her privacy.

 

Re: Accidentally read my 13 y/o journal - she thinks she's gay...how do I talk with h

EyesWide you really are doing an awesome job of this! Its good to know she hasn't been pressured on gendered milestones, and I think helping her to foster a relationship with her aunts is a great idea.

A quick question, sorry if you've already written this... How are her brothers on LGBT issues? It sounds like you're doing a great job with support, but how about the rest of your family? Do they show support as well, talk about those milestones, or use any slurs? Talking with one of your sons about LGBT issues in front of your daughter is also a way you could show your support.

If she wonders about your support or shifts in behavior (you said she was smart so she might pick up on subtle shifts, and she's probably looking for them at this point as well) I think you could site the approaching family gathering and support of her lesbian aunts as the cause.