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The secret life

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by candise, May 9, 2014.

  1. candise

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    I’m the only one in our family who knows that our son is homosexual. I have told him that it’s ok. The sisters and brothers do not know, my ex-husband (his father) do not know. I’ll not tell them. My son has isolated himself from the family and lives abroad. Is this usual? :dry:
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hi candies, welcome to EC!

    Yes, unfortunately, it is all too usual...being in the closet is by definition isolation, to the point that it can actually affect one's personality. Does he want to tell the others? Perhaps there is a reason why he may be reluctant to tell them. There are many reasons, but a lot of them boil down to fear...

    If he does want to come out, he may benefit himself from joining EC.
     
  3. candise

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    Thank You for the answer Greatwhale!

    His father (my ex-husband) has a ridiculous homophobia, it is easy to understand why my son do not want to tell him anything, there is not so much one can do with older people and their prejudices. But the siblings are young people, it is dull that they are not much smarter in this case. They are waiting for the girl friend and I have heard one of the sisters in a nasty tone tease her brother by questions if he is gay. He did not answer. There has not been any communication between them for many years. Another sister is not totally impossible but she has also a long way to go. She is also expecting that my son finds a girl friend and my son has not told the truth to her, maybe he’s afraid that the whole family could get to know it.

    I think it’s the best solution to live abroad in that kind of situation.
     
  4. greatwhale

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    It's sad that the family is so apart, but it is probably for the best for now to keep things quiet. At this point the best you can do is have a "communication plan" ahead of time for when he has a significant other in his life. A relationship is a much more difficult thing to hide, and it shouldn't be hidden, his eventual partner should be known about and this partner should know about the family...all in the future, of course (but the future has a nasty way of appearing quite suddenly).

    Discuss with your son if and how you should announce this fact, at the appropriate time.
     
  5. Clay

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    Hey you replied to me in another thread but I'll just quote it and answer it here:

    It's good if you talk about it with him. The important thing is showing him you're there for him and you love him. Showing him that him being gay makes no difference. So yeah, feel free to ask him questions, there must be a lot of things you want to ask. Plus it's better to do this than never mention what was a life changing moment for him again.

    A good thing to do would be to ask whatever questions you want to ask him here first, if it's a "generic" question about generally being gay then chances are we can answer it.
     
  6. candise

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    Continues....

    Do You think that a career protects against homophobic attitudes, preferably in such a profession where it is more normal to be gay?

    I think that if my son confronts his family later in life, when he has carried out studies abroad and got an established position, the others have not so much to nag. So at the moment I think the best that I can do is to send money to him that he can study in the university without economical problems.

    :icon_bigg
     
  7. Clay

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    Presumably he lives abroad in a country that's more accepting of LGBT rights? Most Western countries for example protect people against homophobic discrimination in the workplace.

    As for sending him money so that he can study, that sounds like a fantastic idea.
     
  8. candise

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    Yes, You have right, he lives now in a country that is much more accepting, for example gay marriage is allowed and gay couples are normal. It is not possible in our country, there has been a ridiculous political discussion about it, with no results. He told that people are much better there and wondered why he did not emigrate before.
     
  9. Aldrick

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    Sending him money and helping him get his education is very important and extremely helpful. I don't have much to add beyond this point, however I will say it could be useful for him to visit EC as this is a support forum for people in his position.