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Message to parents

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by ChromeNerd, May 10, 2014.

  1. ChromeNerd

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    If your son or daughter tells you that they're gay or that they think they're gay do not tell them that it's just a phase, it's normal to feel attracted to the same sex as a teen or anything like that. Even if they tell you that they think they're gay they've probably thought about it a lot.

    If your otherwise straight kid is panicking about being gay because they found someone of the same sex attractive it's okay to tell them that it's normal to find someone of the same sex attractive. Just try not to make your child feel invalidated. Also make sure that you actually listen to your child and not make any assumptions.

    Just because you were curious about the same sex at their age and ended up straight doesn't mean that will happen to your child. Just because your child doesn't look like the gay stereotype or appeared to like the opposite sex doesn't mean they are straight. I'm probably an extreme example, but I think I should tell you my story as a warning.

    When I was fourteen I told my mom that I thought I might be gay. This was after a whole childhood of being attracted to girls and four years of waiting for my feelings to just be a phase. The first thing she said was that it was just a phase and it that it's totally normal for young girls to think they're attracted to other girls.

    I know that she had good intentions when she said this, but I had a huge panic attack after she told me this. I started worrying about being straight after all and going through all that for nothing. I started looking at porn to prove to myself that I wasn't straight.

    That only made me more confused. I started to have graphic thoughts about having sex with guys. This made me very confused. It felt like my world was constantly being turned upside down.

    I thought about my sexuality 24/7 and I often couldn't tell anyone about it. When I was at my worst I thought I was attracted to my cat. At that point I knew something weird was going on. Eventually I got better and I stopped thinking I was attracted to weird things.

    I still sometimes worry about being bisexual or going through a phase. I still worry that I'll never know exactly who I am. I often feel like no one will want to date someone as confused and messed up as I am.

    Just remember that it's a bad idea to invalidate your child identity, even if you mean the best. If you want to know more about how this has affected me just read some of my other posts.
     
  2. You're a damn smart 17 year old. Wise beyond your years!

    Best way to deal with this as a parent IMO is to approach it with humility - an open mind and an open heart. Don't dole out advice, or try to empathise too much. Accept that your childs understanding of themselves is different to yours. Listen to them, ask questions (Not sex-related though!) Just tell your child you love them and accept them and above all else you want them to be happy. And give them a hug!
     
    #2 uniqueusername3, May 10, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2014
  3. ChromeNerd

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    I agree. I'm mostly posting this as a warning for well meaning parents. I don't think most parents realize how much of an effect an invalidating comment is. I think a lot of people have this misconception that only homophobic comments can hurt people.
     
  4. Fallingdown7

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    Thank you for this post chromenerd :slight_smile: I think what most people don't understand is that invalidating comments can destroy a young teen as much as homophobic comments can (If not more sometimes, since I'd rather be hated for who I am compared to being erased entirely).

    I went through that as a teen, and let me tell you it screwed me up for the rest of my adulthood. I had internalized homophobia for 10 years. No teen should go through something like that :frowning2:
     
  5. ChromeNerd

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    It's nice to know I'm not the only person who's been hurt by invalidating comments. I used to feel so silly and weak when I got upset over invalidating comments. I thought that I should have been more grateful for the lack of homophobia in my life.
     
  6. ThePhoenix

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    Very well put I hope people will look at this and take something from it, it is great advice.
     
  7. Radioactive Bi

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    As a bisexual parent myself, I think I'm well placed to be supportive and understanding if any of my kids came out as not straight or wanted to have discussions about gender identity or sexual orientation.

    I like where your head is at though.

    Happy days :slight_smile:
     
  8. Young Blood

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    I have one question: Why are you worried about being bisexual? There's nothing wrong with being bisexual.
     
  9. ChromeNerd

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    Probably because of OCD. OCD makes me think a lot of irrational thoughts.
     
  10. Fallingdown7

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    Or because a lot of times bisexuals are discriminated against more than gay people....
     
  11. Young Blood

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    Ok, quite possible...I can see why you might be a little worried then. But so far I haven't met any, so I would say that there shouldn't be too much worry about being bisexual.