I'm SO angry with him....

If 7 years ago, your husband was already exploring a transgender identity, you absolutely have the right to feel the way you do. Your husband staying with you this long, all the while likely fully intent on transitioning, is frankly completely unfair to you.

Not to detract from your feelings, but while you feel like this 'woman' he wants to be is killing your husband, it's highly likely that your husband feels the exact opposite way.

I myself am a married 'man', and I know that if or when I decide to transition, my wife will absolutely feel betrayed, and knowing 'that' kills me. So, having said that I see both sides of this.

He should've told you what he wanted a long time ago, if that at least meant he set you free from a marriage that he had no intention of sticking around for.
On the other hand, your husband might have been scared to death of hurting you and causing you to feel exactly the way you do now, but ultimately couldn't contain those transgender feelings any longer.

---------- Post added 19th May 2014 at 08:26 PM ----------

Something also to consider.

If nobody had ever told you that the grouping of stars that form the Big Dipper actually formed the Big Dipper, would you ever know to look at that group of stars in such a way, or would you merely see those respective stars and be forced to figure out the rest on your own?

 

Random thought .. would a bit of couples counselling help here?

Maybe there is some middle ground you could both be happy with.

Whereas "...I cant deal with this. I JUST CAN'T. I. JUST. CANT. " suggests you are not prepared to move a millimetre ??

People change.

 

But if "he" wants to be a woman and you are straight then how would you both stay together ? are you planning to stay with her or you want a divorce ? As bingostring suggested , maybe counseling would help .

I know it is difficult for you to deal with the loss of your husband and it is normal to feel angry in this stage, so maybe you both need a professional help .

 

First of all, I can't even imagine how difficult this is for you. I'm sorry about that. You're fully within your rights to grieve.

I do want to say however, that it is possible that your partner did not lie to you at all.
You've known about him* possibly being transgender for quite some time. It's possible that when he* said that there would be no transitioning, that that was true--at the time. It's possible to not be sure of who you are. It's possible to be in denial about what you need. The uncertainty and denial come to an end and then something's gotta give because things can't stay the way that they are.

I'm not saying that that should make it hurt less. I'm not saying that at all. And I'm not trying to curb your feelings about this because it's okay to hurt, but it's likely that your partner didn't mean for this to happen or for you to have to feel betrayed like this.

The other users suggesting counseling are right on the money. It's often very helpful to have someone who's not in the middle of this to help you both through it.

 

Yes, the situation is a huge mess. And it makes sense that you don't want to be with a woman, because you're straight. So where does this leave you?

The best advice for you is to go to counseling and prepare for separation. You don't have to abandon each other, and completely end your relationship. However, you're not interested in being with a woman... and you ARE with a woman. As a result, you deserve to be free of the relationship to find a man that you can be with... that doesn't mean you don't support her through the transition, that you don't continue to love her, that you don't continue to show support... it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

In the end, when you truly love someone you want them to be happy. For your husband, that means being a woman. For you that means being with a man.

It hurts for both of you, but neither of you intended to hurt the other. It's just something that happened, and so the goal now should be on how to cherish and maintain what is left.

 

Please note: I'm going to refer to your 'husband' as your 'partner' and instead of 'he' or 'him', I will be using 'they' or 'them' through the course of this response.

I'm doing this because I don't know them well enough to determine how they identify, but you've made it clear it isn't completely male, and I feel to do otherwise would be disrespectful to them. I'm not doing this to upset you, so please don't take it that way.


He is Transgender. Or to my understanding some-what transgender. It's like sometimes he wants to be a girl and sometimes a guy.

So possibly genderfluid, bi-gender or something else. Key thing to understand, this happens to lots of people, it isn't just your partner. It is actually harder to deal with, I think, when someone feels they are both or neither or some combination of genders because part of the time they are the person you felt you knew, and the rest of the time they can feel like someone else. It's harder to get used to that 'someone else' when the person you knew comes back every so often.

Of course there is always the possibility that they do not identify as both, but are, for the sake you you and themselves and everyone else, trying to hold on to that male part in order to minimize the hurt for other people.

I thought I would be fine with it, and for the most part I am because he said he would NEVER want to make the change.

But you're not fine with it, and actually, that is OK. Seriously, I don't think anyone here would tell you that finding out your partner is trans is easy to deal with.

But with the bet will in the world, even if they didn't "make the change" it wouldn't change who they are inside. I can walk around in men's clothes, stand to pee, grow a beard if I want to but it doesn't change the fact that inside I am a woman. The same goes for your partner. Even if they didn't express it, it won't go away.

Lately though, he's constantly talking about changing or researching it, even trying to buy an expensive suit to wear. I figured it would pass like usually it does but 7 years and now he's wanting to make the change.

There comes a point when you can't deny things any more and you can't hold back for other peoples sakes. I can't speak for your partner, but I know I can speak for a significant amount of the trans people on this board when I say that it reaches a point where acting on it is no longer a choice.

From the outside, it seems like you can choose it. You choose to dress like a woman, you don't have to act on that urge. I hear that plenty. But it isn't true. My alternative, for example, is death. I cannot and WILL NOT go back to where I was before. I couldn't live as a guy for a minute longer. That isn't a choice, that is necessity.

My point is, that if he's thinking about 'changing it' (assuming I've understood correctly) he is trying to be a 'normal guy' because that's what everyone else wants. Heck, he probably wants it himself on some level, but it doesn't work that way.

I don't know what to do. I'm SO angry with him. I feel betrayed. I feel like he conned me into a relationship and now is expecting me to deal with what he's doing.

I'm going to come clean with you now. It is taking every fibre of my being to keep the response to this sentence polite. I will make it polite and helpful if it kills me, because I know how hard this must be for you. However, this sentence is deeply upsetting. It's something we hear all the time and it cuts to the bone, and because of that, it is difficult to not want to be angry and upset about it.

For now I will humour the idea that there was deception involved. It wouldn't be the first time it has happened and it won't be the last. So let's say for a moment that your partner thought getting into a relationship with you would make them feel more like a man and forget this whole trans thing.

That assumes that for your entire relationship and before, your partner has been completely aware of their circumstances. They have known for many years that they are DEFINITELY trans and have been fighting it.

If this WAS the situation, then you have every right to be upset, but then let me ask you. What do you gain be remaining in that relationship?

You have two real options;

1. They never cared about you and literally just got into a relationship to hide their feelings - in which case you may as well leave

2. They DID care about you, and STILL care about you and really hoped that being 'the man' in a relationship would stop these thoughts and feelings.

Now I'll be honest I don't think it's number one, and I don't think you do either. So that being the case your relationship must have a basis in genuine emotion somewhere.

If they had genuinely 'conned' you into this, do you think they would have put in any effort to preserve your feelings over the last 7 years?

I DONT want a woman and it's something I refuse to "deal" with.

And therein lies the problem.

You're straight, that's fine, nobody has a problem with that. Nobody here would DREAM of forcing you to pretend you are a lesbian because your partner realised they are a woman.

But just for a moment, imagine that we did. Just for a minute, imagine that each and every one of us was sitting here telling you this:

"How selfish of you. You could at least PRETEND to be a lesbian for HER sake"
"Don't you ever consider your partners feelings? So insensitive!"
"I thought you 'loved' them, I guess that was a lie. If you REALLY loved them you'd just be a lesbian"

I'm guessing at this point you are pretty pissed off at me. I've just made three statements demanding you become a lesbian for your partners benefit. I even made it seem like your inability to do so was something you should be ashamed of.

Am I right? How badly do you want to hit me right now for saying those things?

Now consider your partner for a minute.

You 'refuse' to deal with this situation. Meaning you won't work through it, you won't leave the relationship, you put it all on your partner.

Meaning your partner is now faced with those same statements.

"How selfish of you. You could at least PRETEND to be a MAN for HER sake"
"Don't you ever consider your partners feelings? So insensitive!"
"I thought you 'loved' them, I guess that was a lie. If you REALLY loved them you'd just be a man."

Do you see what I mean?

This situation isn't easy for anyone involved, but like it or not you ARE involved in it, and you need to do SOMETHING, because otherwise you are forcing your partner to choose between destroying your life or destroying their own, when you could work together and salvage them both.

If he was going to change WHY make me feel like he wasn't? I was fine when it was a fantasy but I just don't know. WHY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IT WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN HE WANTS TO DO IT ANYWAY?

Right now, you are telling us that your partner wants to 'change'. You are FURIOUS, you feel betrayed and you blame them COMPLETELY. You think of your relationship as the result of trickery and cons and trying to deal with this information is hurting you REALLY BADLY.

You tell me why he tried to make it seem like this would never happen.

You say you were fine when it was a 'fantasy' but realistically, the only reason it was fine was because you didn't think it was real. You've said over and over again you thought it would pass. You were never 'fine' with it, you just avoided it and waited for it to blow over.

The reason I'm pointing this out is because right now you are making yourself out to be some sort of monster.

You've painted this idea that you were completely accepting before, and all of a sudden you are furious and angry. That's a huge gap, and it's completely wrong. You didn't go from accepting to hating in one move. You went from NOTHING to hating it.

For your own sake, stop telling yourself that you were fine with it 'before'.

I cant deal with this. I JUST CAN'T. I. JUST. CANT. I want the man I love and it feels like this new "Woman" is murdering him! Say what you will, he's the same person, it's only his gender that will change, but to me it really feels like this "woman" is killing him.

Again, one of the hardest things to hear as a trans person is how we 'murdered' the person that people loved.

The thing is you are coming from a place of loss, and it's completely understandable for a while. You don't want to lose someone you love. It is one of the hardest things to get over. Whereas trans people are coming at it from somewhere else. We don't transition to hurt people, we do it to become comfortable with ourselves and to be happy. You can't live if you're not happy with who you are.

It's impossibly hard to imagine what it feels like to be in the wrong body, and it's equally hard to explain because it's different for every person who experiences it.

Ugh, there is no way to phrase this right, but it needs to be said.

Your partner is trapped. Trapped in an unaccepting world and in a body that doesn't feel right. Unable to express themselves for fear of what other people will say and how it will affect them. Unable to be 'them' for fear of hurting other people. While all this happens, they are hurting themselves, sometimes physically, ALWAYS mentally.

You are not trapped. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that relationships mean nothing and that you should be able to end one easily, I'm not stupid. I'm not going to tell you this isn't difficult. BUT you are not TRAPPED by it. It's hard to deal with, certainly, but you are under no obligation to make it work. You CANNOT make it work by forcing your partner to be 'the man' you want them to be. You cannot force yourself to become a lesbian. But you CAN get out if you choose to. Nobody is going to force you into a lesbian relationship, and if they do, they should be ashamed of themselves.

I want kids more than anything and I cant have that with a woman. He doesn't want me to be artificially inseminated and I don't want to adopt and this is a blow to that as well.

If your partner EXPECTS you to remain in a relationship they are being selfish. You're not a lesbian, you can't make yourself a lesbian. IT CANNOT HAPPEN. You want children and they can't give them to you.

Your partner deserves to be happy and live authentically as they see fit, whatever that means.

YOU deserve to be happy too. You deserve to have a relationship that works FOR YOU. Do not forget that.

I'm sorry if that came across in any way as aggressive towards you, as I said it wasn't intentional but as you know it's an emotional thing.

I mean it though, you deserve to be happy and they do too. Whatever that means.

Right now you are looking for blame. You blame your partner for the situation. You blame yourself for how you feel about it because you keep telling yourself that you were fine with it once upon a time.

Stop looking for blame. Stop telling yourself you CAN NOT and WILL NOT work through this, and get your emotions out. Try and find solutions. They won't be perfect and they won't be without hurt, but it's better than they alternatives!

 

I'm going to start off by telling you a little about my last relationship, if that's alright, because I think to some extent it's relevent and it represents a positive ending for this sort of situation.

Four years ago, I hooked up with my recently ex-boyfriend. Back then I was still dressing as a woman, there weren't any "visible signs" that would point to my gender identity. And after several attempts to breech the subject, it sort of hit him how very real this is for me and how difficult making this relationship work would be. We both said our piece on the subject, and decided it was best to break things off. He's a straight man, I'm a gay ftm. It. Won't. Work. It won't work, not because we don't love each other, but because he's straight and I'm gay. He wants and deserves to be with a woman, and I can't be his woman.

Now when we got together, I was only somewhat aware of my gender identity, what it meant, and how I wanted to express it. I knew I wasn't a woman, but I wasn't sure then what I was. I didn't think I'd want to transition back then. Did I con my partner because of my own self ignorance? Of course not. I've just grown since then. How could I knowingly deceive someone when I didn't understand the truth of the matter myself? I just want you to take a minute and consider that maybe your partner was similarly self-ignorant 7 years ago. Contrary to popular belief, being trans can be hard to come to terms with, and there can be a lot of self-doubt. It's anything but easy and selfish and cosmetic.

Now I want to reiterate what everyone else has already said - you're not in the wrong for feeling the way you do. It's alright that you're upset because you're processing a MAJOR LIFE CHANGE right now. When you and your husband got together, you were under the impression that you were with a man. You could overlook his fantasy because from your perspective, the reality was that you were with a man. Now that reality is inverting itself, and it's scary and it's frustrating and it's ok that you don't know how to handle everything yet because who would know how to feel in your position?

Nobody would. Nobody is ever ready to handle this sort of news about their partner.

But that doesn't mean it's terrible, and it isn't the end of the world. And I know that you don't want to hear that right now because you love your partner, and you want to grow old together and have babies, etc. Remember that your partner loves you too. They probably tried their hardest to hold on to your reality of things, to deny their inner sense of being in exchange for a sense of normalcy for you. That's what's making this so difficult. It's an impossible love. You're straight, it's possible your partner is a lesbian. And you love each other.

Do you believe that love is selfless?

I know you don't want to play a part in how things turn out here, but right now it's best you two calmly discuss this. I'm not saying that it'll be easy. When my boyfriend and I finally had the discussion, I needed to more or less pry his feelings out of him, and it ended with us breaking up. We broke up because we love each other, and it wasn't right to try and make things work in our case. The dynamic of our relationship had become fundamentally different than what it was when we started dating, much like the dynamic of your relationship is changing now. Again, I know that that's not what you want to hear, but that's the reality of these situations. My ex and I are still friends, and we're both very happy. Of course we were sad about breaking up, it was a sad thing and it wasn't something we really wanted to admit was inevitable. But it's what we needed, because we both deserve to be with the right people, and we weren't right for each other. With open communication and honesty, and of course love, you two can find a happy middle-ground, too. There might be hurdles, and it will take some time, but it isn't impossible to save your connection. It just might mean altering it.

Is love selfless?

 

He was probably just having fun years ago, but now that he is actually considering it it's because he was uncertain. IOt's embarassing to come out and label yourself as something and then realize that your not. You shouldn't feel betrayed but instead have an honest conversation with him.

 

I dont know how to respond to that. While I sympathize with what your husband is going through, his attitude and behavior towards you are not acceptable.

(*hug*)

I think the only thing left for you to do is to begin distancing yourself from his self-sabotaging behavior and start thinking about what is best for you. Be supportive of him as much as you can but first and foremost take care of you.