Worried for My Son

The best thing now is to talk to him, let him know that he does not have to hide anything, and that he is loved and accepted. If you don't know how your husband will react, perhaps keep it between the two of you 'til you have a better idea of his reaction. Best of luck, and I hope that all goes well

 

Hey worriedmom, welcome to EC!

You came to the right place! I'm a dad to three kids and by the time they are 13, it is incredible how much they keep from you!

Yes, it was a breach of trust for you to go into his phone, but that is done and you can't undo it.

There are two issues that need to be teased out of what you wrote:

1) Why hasn't he told you?

In all probability he is trying to find a way to tell his family. If you don't know how his father or brothers will react, imagine his own uncertainty! The only thing you can do is try to make it as easy as possible for him to come out. Check out PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) for ideas on how you can do this. Do NOT tell your husband or other sons, this will certainly make things even harder for him (but I know this will make it harder for you!).

2) His inappropriate behaviour

I think there are ways that you can address this issue while keeping it gender-neutral (or assuming heterosexuality; as you said, it applies equally to girls as it does to boys). This will require sitting down with him (WITHOUT mentioning that you saw this on his phone!).

3) His safety and emotional well-being

With regard to safety, you can also include this in "the talk" (2) above. Again gender-neutral and referring to common Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). See how he reacts, and get some kind of agreement from him.

He is now at an age where telling him what to do will not work. You need to get him to make his own decisions. You need to make him feel safe in talking to you, and the best way is to share your own fears and concerns for him.

The rabbis say: What do you do with a wayward son? Love him more.

 

so here's my story ... and first I will say I know I did a bad thing. My 15 year old son got in trouble at school ... nothing serious. I took away his phone as punishment. Here's the bad part ... I looked at his messages. In his messages,

Do yourself a favour and stop beating yourself up about this. Yes, it was a bad thing to do, yes it was a massive breech of your sons privacy BUT you're a parent and you're human. As much as I HATE to say it, if that's the worst thing you ever do to your son then fair enough...just learn something from it. Not a lot of good comes from snooping in other peoples private messages.

I don't understand why he hasn't told me.

I'm going to quote you now, and you tell me why he hasn't told you:

"But all these worries just came flooding in ... probably the biggest one is I don't know how my husband will take the news."

"I don't know how his brother's will take the news."

"Then all the worries about his safety and his emotional well-being."

"We had a gay student commit suicide last year and unfortunately our high school has been plagued with suicides."

"Then, there is the appropriateness issue ... he asked a boy to send him a pic of his chest ... gay or straight that is inappropriate."

I'm prepared to bet all of those and more are the reasons he hasn't told you.

Finally, I can't address any of it because i looked through his messages.

I'll need to think about this one some more, because part of me thinks its crap.

If you tell your son you went through his messages he is going to feel betrayed. But whether you tell him or not, the act has been done. You can't take it back. You CAN apologise for it.

On the other hand, if he isn't ready to come out, you are forcing him out and that could make things worse, so as I say I will need to think about that some more.

I'm lost, confused, scared and wondering what he is feeling. I just want to grab him, hug him and tell him I love him no matter what and always will. But ... I can't.

Like HELL you can't.

You're his MUM, you don't need an excuse to tell your son you love him!

 

You should talk to him on the way that you say him that you love him no matter what happens and that he can trust you. Just don't be too offensive and he might tell you if he feels like he needs to do it.
If you think that his dad won't accept it really well you should not tell him and that thing should stay between you and him.

 

You shouldn't have looked through his messages, but it seems like it's too late...
Just because you realized that your son was gay, you shouldn't start to worry like that. It doesn't mean that he would commit suicide too.
And also, since you've figured out he was being a bit inappropriate while texting, you should talk to him about that and tell him that you love him what so ever, but this is going over board.

 

Welcome to EC. It is understandable that you are worried, you're a Mom, Moms worry. One way that you can approach this is to have "the talk" by that I mean the birds and the bees. My Mom had to have to have the talk with me about 15 if more times by the time I was done with school. She even gave it to me while I was in college. And if she was alive today she would have gave it to me when I started dating my boyfriend.

You can always say that it is important to be respectful and appropriate no matter who your son is dating, girl or boy. That way you can hint that you know, and that you are accepting no matter who he dates.

 

I believe the right thing to do in cases where you've breached someone's privacy is to tell them, apologise, and promise you won't do it again. That leaves you open to tell him you accept his sexuality, and deal with any inappropriate behaviour you want to, but beyond that, it shows a great respect for him as a person.

I'd just like to add that perhaps others may disagree, and it depends heavily on the context of the request, but I don't think the chest thing was particularly inappropriate. Unless it was coercive, then it just sounds like something teens get up to all the time.

 

^This. The picture could have easily been something a lot more inappropriate. If it's just two kids curiously exchanging pics, I don't see any harm, other than the possibility of them being shared with the public.

 

I know that if my parents looked through my phone when I was 15 (pff, if I had had a phone when I was 15), the breech of security would have upset me a ton, and it would have pushed me further into my shell for a while. Then again, I'm a very private person and I come from a family where we never have meaningful conversation. You'll need to use your best judgement in handling what happened with the phone.

As far as this new found knowledge goes, I think it's great that you aren't upset about your son's orientation! And I don't blame you for being worried. There's a lot of intolerance in the world, and you're probably wondering what you did wrong that he didn't tell you about this aspect of his life yet. But I'm sure he'll come out to you in his own time. It's unfortunate, but it can be nerve-wracking trying to figure out how to approach coming out at home, even with the best of parents. Just continue being supportive and loving.

 

Don't beat yourself up. You're a loving mother who is concerned for her son, and you shouldn't feel bad about that. A lot of mothers would have had a very different reaction from you - a much worse reaction.

For right now, you should take a step back. You have no reason to believe that your son is in any danger. Of course, you're worried, as any loving mother would be, but what evidence do you have at the moment to back up any fears that you have? To my reading and understanding, your son seems perfectly fine at the moment.

You need to take some time to adjust to the news. You don't want to approach your son while being overly emotional and upset. As he isn't prepared to come out to you yet, he may misjudge your emotions. You don't want that. You want a level head moving forward, and to get that you need to take some time to process the news.

You should speak to his aunt (your sister?), and just talk about what you're feeling. It's important that you talk about your fears and anxiety so that you can confront it and debunk it where necessary. Sometimes it's legitimate to be afraid, but most of the time it's not. Talking to someone will help you work through your emotions more quickly.

In the mean time, you should begin paving the way for him to talk to you. Look for casual conversation topics where he can bring it up. Nowadays the topic of LGBT Issues is around us all the time. It doesn't take much effort to comment on a news story about marriage equality, for example. You could point out that you don't see a problem with it, and why people are standing in the way of people who love each other.

Or hell, since he has so many gay friends at school, you can just talk about school. Just ask his opinion about things related to LGBT stuff and share yours. Make sure your opinion is positive. This way he knows you're supportive, and if he knows you're supportive then it will increase the chances of him coming out to you.

Ultimately, it's usually for the best to allow him to come out on his own terms. The exception to that rule is if you think he's in danger, might be getting depressed, or suicidal. In these instances you might have to force the issue to protect him. However, outside of these terms it's usually best if you allow him to come out on his own.

So, let's talk about your husband and his brothers. What makes you think they won't be supportive, and is there anyway you can test the waters with them? What will you do if they aren't supportive?

 

I'm probably in the minority here, but as a parent I would hope you feel engaged enough to protect your son from any threat. This includes violating his privacy. (Sorry I know I am likely in the minority here). It's your responsibility to keep him safe. Now, having said that, you probably shouldn't have looked.

If I were you, I'd take him someplace where you can have a private conversation without any interruptions. I would start by apologizing and explaining what you read. And that you care about his privacy but got curious. It is perfectly human to be curious, and it's human to admit you are wrong. I think the impression you want to leave him with isn't a parent child conversation, but rather an adult one. Speak frankly and honestly. Like a few others have mentioned, there are probably lots of reasons why he hasn't told you or any of the family. Heck, he might even be on EC. Give him time to be mad and get over it.

But I think this is an opportunity to bond with him in a way that can help build up his courage rather than destroy it.

 

You sound like a normal mom to me. I found out last Sept that our son is gay. No matter how "well" parents take the news, it is something different and its normal for you or anyone to go through different emotions and have questions. There is nothing wrong with our sons, they are just gay like we are just straight and thats the truth. You will be ok, I promise. I agree with Hyaline's qoute. I also think it's normal to look at our kids phones when we are real concerned about something. We are the parents after all. All we can do is apologize for snooping and explain why. Dont worry about how other family members will react because that's a waste of your time. Your son is just fine and he is healthy. Him being gay is the least of your worries. It sounds like there are other real conerns. Trust me you and your family will be just fine.

 

I have to agree with the last two posters. Even though my daughter is younger than yours, we have made it clear to her we will check her phone. This is a somewhat new phenomenon since kids did not have cell phones until a few years ago. Experts consistently tell us parents to check our kids computer use and that makes sense as well. We are here to protect our children and can't do that if they have private means of communicating to the world. Kids do not always tell parents what is going on for various reasons. I wish my parents were more probing when I was a kid. They could have stopped a lot of trauma. Please stop beating yourself up over it. Sorry all you kids on the forum but a child does not and should not have an expectation of privacy. As we have discussed in all sorts of posts on EC, kids are not emotionally or intellectually developed and can't be expected to make the most wise decisions.

Having said this, I would still not necessary tell him you checked his phone but follow the others advise and provide him a supportive environment where he will free to come out to you on his own. Good luck and you are a great mom!

 

I feel it is my responsibility. It's not my job to out my son ... he will let people know when he is ready. I am just going to take every opportunity to let him know I'll always love him and that it doesn't matter to me ... he's still my son.

Can I just say that while your son will probably never fully appreciate the sentiment expressed here, I sure as hell do, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. This is a really positive attitude and one I wish more people shared.

 

Yeah, he's probably assuming you looked at it, though. He's probably also assuming that you might have found out that he's gay, which is why he looked fearful. If you take the time to read through some of the posts here - particularly in the coming out section - you'll find that occasionally people around your son's age think that their parents have figured it out.

This is usually rather difficult, because if the talk doesn't happen right away that gives the kid enough time to begin filling in the blanks. It's like a long and uncomfortable silence. "Does she know? Is she angry? Does she hate me? Does she think I'm disgusting? Did she see anything? Am I overreacting? Is she going to tell Dad?"

Thoughts like that are likely going through his head, and probably worse.

I don't know if you actually intend to bring up the topic of his sexual orientation, or intended to let him bring it up himself. The last part of your post seemed to indicate that you wanted him to bring it up himself. If that's the case, it's probably best that you have that "talk" and play it off as being about his behavior at school or whatever. That way he thinks he is in the clear regarding you figuring out his sexual orientation. If you do that then you can loop back and use my previous post as advice.

Regardless of what you decide you don't want to let it just hang out there like that, as he'll suffer unnecessary anxiety, and his mind will start to fill in the gaps of any silence - automatically defaulting to the most negative stuff.

When you're gay and in the closet, there is a constant state of fear and paranoia of being outed. You work really hard to keep it a secret, and when you think you've dropped your guard and might be discovered you start to freak out. You don't want your son to feel that way, especially considering it isn't necessary.

Hopefully that helps and might provide some perspective on what your son might be feeling at the moment.

 

This could be why actually. When people give out mixed reactions towards the queer community, like your husband, it can make it harder to come out because it's harder to guess how they'll react to the news. Even your sister-in-law had you be the messenger for her. Your son might be worried about his dad's reaction, which might be keeping him from telling family he could trust, like his aunt, in case the word gets back to his dad.

I know that's what's been keeping me from telling my parents.

It's like Aldrick said, when you're gay and in the closet there's a constant fear of being outed.