I posted here about a year ago, my son, Brian, who is now 15 has not told me he is gay but I have my suspicions. Today someone on Face Book miss-read a post of mine where I was supporting GLBT people but they thought I was bashing them. Anyways, this is what she said "You don't follow the bible-you act like you do. Plus, you better open your mind and heart because one of your boys are going to come out and as the loving parent you portray yourself to be you better be ready. My guess is Brian. And if God loves all his children what gives you the right to say hateful things?" I don't even know who this person is and they wont tell me. Should I show my son this post? Maybe this will get him to open up to me? He knows I will support him so I am confused as to why he doesn't talk to me? Maybe he isn't gay? But so many signs point to that? Confused... sigh.
It was incredibly rude of that woman to say anything to you about your son, if he isn't ready/isn't even gay. She needs to mind her own business... Either way, if I were your son, I wouldn't want to be confronted about it. I'd rather come out on my own time. I'd rather my mom start expressing her opinion on LGBT issues (positively, of course) more often. Maybe show him a news article and point out how you think that everyone should be treated equally. This might show him how open-minded you are. If I were him, I'd also like to know that my mom will be non-judgemental when I tell her. I'd like to know that she has unconditional love (which I'm sure you do) for me. So maybe point that out to him, and let him come out to you on his own time? There's no rush!
Thanks for the reply Tetra, My son knows I am 100% accepting of LGBT people. My sister is gay and I am a very active in supporter of gay rights. IF he is gay, he probably thinks if he tells me then I will tell his dad and brothers and that might be more disturbing to him. I know there is no rush. I guess it just bugs me because I want him to be secure and confident in who he is and I feel like he may be hiding.
The fact that you spent the time coming here to get advice about this shows that you definitely care a lot! It's great that you're so open, and I'd wager that your son knows that and will feel comfortable coming to you. I think the first thing (if he even is gay!) is that he needs to make HIMSELF understand what's happening, and come to terms with this. Who knows how long it will take? It took me over a year! I know it can be a lot longer for some people. I know for myself, I'd probably close myself off if my mom wanted to talk about my sexuality, but do you think your son would be open to talking about it? Maybe if you asked him if there's anything he'd like to talk about?
Tetra, I have given him a lot of opportunity. I think he just needs more time to mature and find his way. We have a small cabin in the woods here on our property. One of my son's friends was staying in the cabin. I knew my son admired this boy/man. Every night he would go and visit him in the cabin. Things did not work out for me and this house guest so I told him to leave. My son was FURIOUS! He talked to me with such disdain, that I had never seen before. He cried deeply into his pillow over his friend having to leave. I wonder if that is normal??? Obviously he had a strong attachment to this guy, it's hard to think a straight guy would react this way? what do you think?
That's definitely important! Maybe you could start a conversation asking why this made him so upset? It might give him the opportunity to start to explain himself more to you. If he opens up and starts talking, you know that there's a bit of wiggle room, but if he completely cuts you off and doesn't want to talk about it, then you'll know where he stands on that matter. Is he close with your sister? Perhaps you could tell her about this, and she could subtly offer advice to him about it?
He told me he was so upset because he felt that this guy was the only guy who made him happy. He said he looked forward to coming home from school because the guy was there and he would have someone to hang out with. He said that he didn't feel alone now that he was living with us. My son has other friends. This just seemed a little weird to me. I will share this all with my sister, maybe someday he can talk to her ( they are not very close though)
I've had similar issues, he will come out ok. He just needs time and space. I remember when I had similar situations of course nothing trumps having my gf walk in on me trying on her clothes.
SCmom, first and foremost I adore the fact that you are an active supporter of LGBT rights and can summon up the courage to share your concerns about your sign so you deserve a high five! My guess, given his age, is that he is kind of reluctant to bring this up to you at the moment and keeping it to himself. Not to say he is ashamed of what he might be feeling, his reluctance might stem from the fact he's not quite sure of himself, how you'll react, or fear of prying. I remember being at that age, being super secretive of everything with my mom because I didn't want her to pry too much. He might benefit from sharing all this with your sister. Keep in mind; however, that even though information may be shared, a confidentiality thing may be in place when they do discuss so be prepared to know information may not be disclosed to you. But I'm sure you'll be happy once he has someone to talk to.
In addition to the thoughts the others have put forth... consider it's quite possible your son isn't even out to himself yet. I think it's pretty likely he's gay, but it can be really traumatic, even when you have every reason to believe your parents will be supportive. In accepting any loss (for your son, loss of the idea he's straight, which means also loss of "belonging" to the largest group of people in the world -- those who are straight ) there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. And it can take a day or 10 years to go through the stages. Keep in mind also that at 15, conformity is something extremely highly valued... kids need the same shoes, the same backpack, the same hoodie as everyone else, and to be the same in every other way order to feel like they belong. Being gay means being different. Some kids handle this well, others don't do well with it at all. So as hard as it is, you may just have to wait. If you're making it clear that you're supportive of gay people, that's about all you can do. We have plenty of kids on here (some in their mid-20s, even) whose parents *totally* know they're gay, and, metaphorically, are tugging as hard as they can at the closet door, rattling the handle... while the kid on the other side is desperately pulling on it as hard as s/he can to keep it closed... even though s/he knows there won't be any problem with parents. It's funny how that works, but that's the way it is, and the best you can do is be quietly supportive, and give it time.
Can't you just delete the post and block the person on facebook? You should really change your settings so that people you don't know can't see and comment on your posts btw.
wow thank you all for the responses, Chip I think you are right, he knows he will be ok with ME but maybe not his peers. He is very much into wearing the "right" clothes and shoes and feeling like he fits in. Winterswimmer, I have taken down the post, the person is not on my friend list and if she posts again I will block her. I adore my son but I have to say, as a mom, I will miss him not getting married and having babies the Old fashioned way but it is what it is, sigh. I just want him happy.
Just wanted to agree with the others. You are a great Mom and just let him come to you when he is ready. He may have already come out to a friend or two (that is a lot easier than family). Regarding the FC post, can't believe someone would out your son so who ever that person is is not acting appropriately. Not sure if you should ignore or respond basically telling them not to out people?
OP was this house guest older or the same age as your son? if he was older it could be because this guy was his "big brother" and he felt he had someone to talk too. This doesn't mean it was anything more than a mentor/friend.
I think It's great that you are so supportive to him, and that you would react well if he came out to you. I think the reason he hasn't come out yet (if he is gay) is because It's just a scary thing in general, even if you know someone will react well. Maybe he hasn't even come to terms with it himself yet. You have done everything right though, don't listen to that hateful person on FB. This is understandable! When we realize that our kids aren't what we expected them to be, we do go through a perception of loss and it can take time for us to come to terms with it. It might help to know that even as a gay man, he can still get married and he can still have kids (Just not the old fashioned one, but a family should be made from the heart instead of blood). I think there's not much of a difference between straight people these days either; more and more straight couples are using adoption and sperm donation/surrogacy instead of having biological kids, and some married straight couples don't want kids at all. I think it just takes time to get out of the mindset of traditionalism.
Indeed, such attitudes are hardly limited to gay individuals, now. In terms of advice I have nothing to add - you seem to be doing great.
He was older ( 23 ) and you could be right, he doesn't have a good relationship with his father and no other male role models in his life so it could have just been that he got attached.
First of all, you sound like an amazing mom. Just give your son time and try not to pressure him. He will come out on his own time. He can still get married if he chooses to! And more and more couples are adopting or using surrogates than ever before. So your son can still have children.
A lot of teen boys, regardless of the relationship with their fathers often look towards older male role models as someone they can trust and talk to without the awkwardness of talking to their parents. They are also looking for characters to base themselves on as adults. Its very common and nothing unusual I would say.
