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awful way to find out

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by confusedmom, Jun 10, 2014.

  1. confusedmom

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    Hello,
    I am very new here and very much struggling.
    My son informed yesterday that he is bisexual. This came out as a worst possible way.
    a few years ago I had asked him if he was gay and he denied. Fast forward to him going to college and whenever we asked he would tell us of a girlfriend here and there. So I assumed I had a wrong intuition.
    He graduated this year and came home for a vacation before leaving for graduate school.
    He has been going out with friends and too many parties and drinking a little too much.
    Yesterday he came home a little drunk and after I scolded him, he, as a matter of fact, told me he was bisexual. My response was for him to go to bed and we would talk about the next day. He would not let up and continued telling me over and over, so I made some tea and sat with him and listened. He started crying as I just sat there trying to process the info which I took, initally, as a prank. He told me he felt sorry for disappointing me and cried. I told him that I loved him but why did he choose to tell me after drinking. He told me it was the only way he could do it. I was very angry on how this played out but told him it was ok and we would talk next day.
    I sat all night long trying to come to terms with it. I am feeling bewildered and with a huge sense of loss. I have always supported my gay friends but I have also seen their struggle to be accepted, some of the humiliation they go thru and I didn't want this to my child.
    I always thought I had an open mind and would be supportive, but somehow I am struggling.
    This is also will be very hard for my husband to accept as he is old school Catholic and although he is very friendly to my friends I know he doesn't accept them as they are. This will crush him, I know, and I don't know how he will react or when/how he should be told.
    I am so confused about how I feel, why I feel so bad and I even questioned myself if his sexuality is because of me as a mother. I know it's silly, but the thought came into my mind.
    Also as try to learn, bisexuality is something that somehow I can't grasp. This shouldn't be about me, but I can't help to feel sad, upset and awful.
    thanks for listening
     
  2. White Knight

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    I can understand your son's struggle like many in here would. Believe me, coming out to parents probably hardest thing one can face. Probably he tried to hold it in untill he can't no more. Timing might not be perfect but someties you have to accept things as they come... when they come.

    For me with friends it is easier, if they don't accept or understand they weren't your friend at all. With family you also feel quilt for dissappointing them, leaving them in a hard point.

    I also understand your concerns about acceptance and struggles of LGBT people. It might be little harder than what straight people face but I believe in life we all face troubles no matter what our gender identity is. Just be there for him, let him know you support him unconditionally.

    You can't help someone if you can't help yourself so this should also be about you. You must clear questions or worries in your mind to reach out and understand your son. There are many bisexual friends around and they will gladly answer any questions about it.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. TJ

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    What you're feeling is absolutely normal for a parent, and it isn't selfish. It may take you a little bit to accept and understand what he told you.
    While your son is the one who is going to experience this first-hand, you're still going to feel some shock. You have believed for most of his life that he's straight, and now that he's telling you otherwise, now that you know he might face discrimination because of who he is, now that his father might reject him, you have very good reasons to be worried for him.

    You're experiencing a loss; the loss of the perception that your son is straight, and with that comes the five stages of grief: Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance. Everyone moves through these stages at a different rate and in a different order, but what you're feeling and what you will feel is legitimate and normal.

    I know that you'll do your best to be supportive for your son. The fact that you found and posted on this website shows that you care greatly for him, and you want to be totally supportive and understanding of his sexuality.

    Give it time. Talk with him more, ask him questions, and show him support. If you're still struggling, talk with us about it. There are plenty of people here to field questions and explain what your son may be experiencing.

    Thanks for taking the time to make a thread about this - the world needs more mothers like you. (*hug*)
     
    #3 TJ, Jun 10, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2014
  4. greatwhale

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    Hey confusedmom, welcome to EC!

    I commend your efforts to understand, and that includes telling us of your struggle and seeking advice.

    More than understanding, he needs acceptance. I am a parent to three kids, it is part of my daily life to imagine all sorts of calamities that could befall them. This isn't morbid, it's just a fact of life that all parents must live with.

    But sheltering them from harm is impossible, that is also part of what we, as parents, must accept. More than understanding, love requires acceptance and I see that you have an abundance of love for your son.

    He has had years to struggle with this, you; only since he told you. It will take time, for both you and your husband (he needs to know) and yes, you both need to mourn the loss of your ideas and plans for him. In the end, one day soon, hopefully, you may find the strength to share his joy in living a life of integrity and love...
     
  5. girlpower

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    Hi. i think ppl have put it really well above. I'd like to add just a little by saying that its only you, who he can trust at the moment and rely that you'l make his 'coming out of the closet' smooth in front of other family members.. especially his dad. he is relying on you for that support and love. you can't be crying or confused in front of him.. never let him know that. just tell him.. it'l be all ok and nobody at home is going to be disappointed.. and you'l take care of everything for him.
     
  6. confusedmom

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    Thank you all of you for the support and helping me to not feel worse than I do!
    We talked this afternoon and I made a point of letting him know that, although he had 10 years [I had no idea! this saddens me as we always were close], I had only less than 24hrs. I told him I loved him no matter what, but I need time to go thru this bomb [what I call..lol].
    I am very outspoken and I don't mince words, so I told him that he would face a lot of discrimination but, as long and as much as he needs, I'll be there for him.
    but I can't help feeling lost and disappointed at what I had envisioned. He understood. I hope you all do too.
    we also talked about his father and frankly both of us don't want to go there for now.
    This will behuge and I feel I need more time to help him. He understands.
    Thank you all again.
     
  7. Clay

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    Chances are he'll know what's ahead of him, the burden of being gay. All you need to do is support him, show him you're there for him, and show him you love him.

    As long as he knows he has yours support there's nothing else you need to do really. Your feelings of loss are normal, it'll pass with time.
     
  8. looking for me

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    i suggest going to the PFLAG website it has a lot of information for parents and loved ones. there is tonnes of supportive folks here too.
     
  9. turtlemom

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    Hi confusedmom, believe me, you and your family will be ok. I believe the most challenging part for your family will obviously be your husbands reaction. Our 18 yr old son came out to me this last Sept. His dad has never been homophobic and wouldnt stand for someone being homophobic, he thinks anyone that is racist or homophobic is ridiculous to put it mildly. Having said that, it didnt change the fact that he still had to process and go through the emotions of a loss after he got the news that our son was gay. It took a few weeks before he was in an accepting place in his mind. This caused distance between us. We went to a few counseling sessions. The therapist was really sharp to say the least. He asked my husband... Is your son sick? Is he dying? Of course the answer was no. It was like a light went off in my husbands head lol. We both came to realize how in some ways it felt ridiculous that we struggled with it. Even after we were in a good place in our heads, we had to go through what felt like a loss, it was terrible and we couldnt figure out why and felt guilty that we were feeling that. Its just normal, we werent against him being gay at all so how could we feel like we lost something. I still cant put it into words yet. We now and have felt like we gained since then but had to go through the emotions of loss. Its really weird. You are not alone in your feelings. Always here for you. (*hug*)
     
  10. shadowraptor

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    Hey there confusedmom!

    I know you're focusing on the bad parts, but don't forget that not everyone is going to be against your son. There are so many kind, accepting people in the world that are willing to embrace anyone and everyone. They understand that being gay, or bisexual in your son's case, is not a choice, that given the opportunity to change himself your son probably would. But the thing is that he can't. And he's lucky to have a mom like you who, even though you started off a little conflicted, are willing to work through that to love and support him... kudos to you for that!

    Sure, there are going to be people who won't approve. But I think that knowing that you aren't one of those people will help your son face his fears. Chances are it's going to be a bit rough for all of you, but that's kind of in the description. I just hope that your son realizes how lucky he is that his mom is as loving, caring, and accepting as you. :slight_smile:
     
  11. girlpower

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    i think thats fine then as long as he understands
     
  12. theflood

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    Hello there.

    I am a teen, and closeted towards my parents. My father sounds similar to your husband.

    Understand what your son is going through. It's hard to be open about your sexuality when everywhere you look, you see people fighting over LGBTQIA rights. That, and his father is a Catholic. It's scary coming out, when you don't know what to expect.

    Your husband has to accept that your son is bisexual. If he's that dead set on not supporting LGBTQIA rights, then think of this: your son is not just attracted to boys.

    Good luck.
     
  13. FancyGummy

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    I just want to mention that It's not all that odd that you can't "grasp" bisexuality. Sexuality is a very fundamental part of a person (despite not having a great effect on who they are otherwise) and it's very hard to imagine being any different then you are. In my case, I can't really imagine how someone could find some genders unattractive. I don't see gender as much as I just see people.
     
  14. dragon20

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    Hi there. I'm still in the closet when it comes to my parents. My mom is pretty accepting but I'm kinda scared to tell her. I'm glad you took it well compared to some parents. Like everyone else has said, it's scary coming out to people when you don't know what reaction they'll have. Which is kind of why I haven't told very many people. But knowing there are supportive people out there like you and all the other nice parents out there is giving me hope that I'll be accepted when I finally choose to tell more people. Thanks for listening to my little rant :slight_smile: