((takes deep breath)) So....hi..... This is partly introduction and partly a diary. I just need to write my thoughts down and don't want to do it alone. This seemed like a good place to start....... A week ago at a family party, my youngest son (21 on Thursday) after 'several' beers and a frightening amount of dancing (!) casually dropped two things into a private conversation "Mum, I'm on anti depressants and have been for a year". And then a heartbeat later "Mum.....I've had boyfriends". So many thoughts. Aside from my husband, he is probably the person I am closest to in the world. We have always known each other inside out, finish each other's sentences, share the same jokes etc. And yet there has been for years, this huge part of life I didn't know about. And my heart is breaking for him. He says he has had boyfriends only, but has had feelings for girls (just no female partners yet) so he sees himself as bi. And how do I feel? Genuinely, I don't care. In the same way I don't care that he is tall, and skinny, and has blue eyes...it's just another part of him, so it's perfect. But I didn't know about it, and he has known for ten years. All that time fighting feelings, struggling, worrying alone...and I feel guilty for not spotting it. I know he just didn't share till he felt ready, but this doesn't stop me feeling the guilt. So now, as a Mum, I have not only the worries as a parent but also the fear of what the world will throw as him as a bisexual young man. As if life isn't hard enough....... And worse than that is my panic over the depression, which he feels is connected to (but not entirely) his sexuality. All these years and my gorgeous boy has been fighting demons while I worried about homework, and dirty clothes on the floor. So where are we now? Well, he currently lives with his Dad and step mum (we're very rural, and he works near his Dad's home so it's practical). Step mum knows everything, I owe her a debt as she has been good to him......Dad is another story entirely and as seriously bigoted Alpha male will not take his news well. My boy told me all this with Dutch courage inside him, but in the cold light of day still wants to tell me the full story. We've both taken the day off work tomorrow and are having a Mum and Son day to talk everything through. I have so much to learn. I'm so proud of him for telling me what he has told me so far. I love him unconditionally and that will not change. I think all that will change is that I will know him a little better. Watch this space...........
You're a good mum never doubt that! Regardless of how open, accepting and close a person's parents are, 20/21 is a pretty normal age to be coming out. You should also be proud (of yourself as a parent and of him) that he saw a doctor about his depression. A lot of people don't. Looking forward to the next update.
I came out at that age. Odds are, he struggled with much of this. The fact he had BFs means that likely he accepted himself. Which is a good step forward. His relationship with you might have prevented him from saying anything to you to keep from upsetting the balance you both share. Putting that weight on someone else's shoulders can be tough. Hopefully his dad can be a good guy about it. But even if he isn't, the fact that you are so accepting and caring of him means he has other people in the world that love and care about him. And in the long run that support will help him when he needs it most. I can't speak for the depression. I might be many things. Boys tend to seek the acceptance of their father. I am sure he'll have trouble with that, especially if they are even remotely close. But hooray for being a great mom!!! We love to see that around here.. So a big warm hug from California!! Keep it up!
You sound like a great mum. Ultimately, as long as you show you love and support him, he should be alright. Depression is comon amoung LGBT people, it takes time to accept who you are. The fact that he's had boyfriends and came out to you means he has already accepted himself, he's now going through the coming out stage. I look forward to hearing more updates from you.
You do sound like a great mum. Don't worry bout not spotting it, my parwnts know me quite well and rhey had no idea either. Depression is hard. Just try to be supportive, be there for him when he needs you. Remind him (and yourself) that it gets better.
you sound like a fantastic mother, and your son is lucky to have you i think continued support from people like you amd his step-mom will help him immensely. it's very hard to share the dark feelings of depression with parents. personally, i felt as though i had failed them, by not being able to feel happy in the near perfect life my parents had worked so hard to build me. but now that it is out in the open, and he has your support, i'm sure it will only go up from there
Hi. he considered you the first person in the family to share his big secret.. thr must be a reason for that. he trust you, he blvs you'l sort things out for him and i'm sure you will being such a great person let him know its ok that he couldn't share all these years but do try to find out his reasons for being depressed and help him find answers to whats that bugging him.
Your story made me tear up. Your son is incredibly lucky to have you for a mother. I come from a family with parents who are not only bigoted, but also don't believe in psychology/psychotherapy and medication for psychological problems. (Ridiculous as my mom is a nurse, and has the training to know better.) You are doing wonderfully right now. No need to feel guilty as those of us in the closet get REALLY good at hiding ourselves from the world. I say BRAVO! to you.
Thanks so much to all of you who have replied, I'm blown away by all the lovely kind support and am so happy I decided to join this forum......SimpleMan I wish I could fix everything for you.... So today.......we'd arranged to spend the day together, it's his 21st birthday on Thursday but I shall be back at work then and I know his Dad has plans for him, so we have had a mum and son day (his elder brother was at work, so the perfect chance for just the two of us). We went to visit his grandma who had a birthday gift for him, and then went into town. My original plan was to find a quiet pub somewhere we could sit in a private corner and chat, but in the end we just talked and talked as we usually do about nothing to do with sexuality or depression, just chatting sh*t about life in general. Nothing has changed After a serious shopping spree (his birthday money is gone!!) we made our way home and it wasn't till we were in the car that he mentioned his counselling session which took place the day before (it went well, a little awkward but he is happy that they listened to him) He says, for what it's worth that he isn't really interested in relationships at the moment....too much trouble apparently.....but if he finds someone attractive, he isn't looking at their gender but what's underneath....I kinda like that! So I told him that I was actually more bothered about his mental health than his sexuality, and that finding out he was bi- didn't matter any more than if he had dyed his hair......but what I was concerned about was that he was happy, and safe, and comfortable with himself. And at the moment he is. We smiled a lot and laughed a lot and were just us........ I told him that part of me wanted to share this new information about him. And he said "it's ok if you feel you have to.......but why? I mean, do you feel you need to tell people that J (his elder brother) is straight?!" Kudos my boy.......kudos.......:eusa_danc I think what I have learned today is that his sexuality is really only a "thing" to me....because it is new....like suddenly finding out that his eyes are green instead of blue. He's had the last 11 years to realise it and see it doesn't define him. It's just a very small part of what makes him....him. And I think after 21 years, I may just love him even more.....
