Could use some advice on my son's behaviour.

It sounds like your sons behaviors have been going on for a long time. Does he have the love and support of his father? Also it would be very helpful to have other family members support. Is there an uncle or aunt in the picture? I dont think that you are being unreasonable, he is only 14 and Im sure this didnt just start happening last week. If it's possible maybe you could get his father involved, if not then I think it would be very helpful for you to get professional guidance on how you can learn to communicate with your son and help him to help himself. Either way, I think its vital that you get professional help as a parent. this has spiraled way out of control. Any kid is way too young to be "dating" at 14 and or having sex. I know it happens a lot but that doesnt mean its helathy for them. Just like smoking or doing drugs or running around out of control. this situation needs intervention big time. For now, just tell him how much you love him and care about his safety. Take care (*hug*)

 

I have to echo everything that Chip said. I think you're alienating him more than helping him.

 

Ok so when I came out to my mom at age 24, I was way past puberty and way past the point at which I should have come out to myself let alone to my parents. But it didn't hurt any less that she doubted that I could be not straight; it didn't hurt any less when she said "it's fine but I just hope you don't build your entire social life around hanging out with lesbians". It didn't hurt any less when she said that lesbian sex was disgusting.

Comments like this hurt coming from a parent at 24 years old, but 100x more so when you're 14 and experiencing your first ADULT emotions, and when another adult tells you these emotions are invalid because you're too young and that you can't possibly know yourself it feels like nothing you do matters. He's probably feeling like nothing he could do would be taken seriously, thus pushing him towards more adult behaviors. But he's more self aware than you give him credit for.

If you love your son, you'll really listen to what he's saying and stop looking at everything he is doing as "just acting out". It's not normal; it's not what teenagers should be doing. He's hurting.

That being said, I'm sure you're hurting too. I think it would be helpful for you if you saw a therapist; you seem to be seeking a ton of advice over the internet, but none in person. Finding a therapist for your son is great, and a wonderful move on your part, but you're also in need of someone to talk to. Please please please find someone.

---------- Post added 2nd Jul 2014 at 01:03 PM ----------

I'd also like to add that my mom and I are doing fine now; I'm old enough that I recognize that she was brought up in a different time, and that she was going through something new upon hearing me come out to her. I gave her time and space, and she and I have had some more honest talks. She just wants me to be happy and in fact was very sweet when I brought my ex-girlfriend along to dinner.

These relationships can and should be repaired. There is hope.

 

Basically, I agree with Chip - when the approach isn't working, it's time to change the approach.

Part of the problem is, I think, thanks to iphones/internet/social media etc, parents now know way too much about what their kids get up to. Stuff that was once hidden is now in full view to parents. It's a tough dilemma - do you turn a blind eye, or intervene? I don't envy parents these days.

Anyway, it's clear to me (at least) what's happened here - By confronting him over his porn and shaming him over his sexuality, you’ve accidentally kicked off a chain reaction that has pushed him away - you feel like you have a right to intrude deeper & deeper into his personal space to protect him and he is running further and further away to try to protect his battered ego. He probably feels he has no dignity left, hence the drugs/smoking/drunkeness/police stuff.

You have to find a way to gradually loosen your grip and allow him some personal space (and dignity) – I think the key to that is actually his relationship with the BF - you say you don't think he's too young to be dating, and that his BF is a good kid - yet you stop them spending private time together. Whilst they are uncomfortably young to be having sex, it's hardly unusual at that age. At least this appears to be a somewhat healthy, stable, age-appropriate relationship for your son to be in - the kind of relationship as a parent, you'd want to (presumably) encourage in the future.

I would, in your position, start by swallowing a little humble pie. Admit to him that sometimes you haven't dealt with things in the best way and that you will listen to him more.

Give him some sense of control (perhaps allow him to *earn* the right to stay at his current school?) - but most importantly, be happy for him and his BF. That might involve turning a blind eye to the sex, however hard that might me for you.

 

I'd personally back off forcing him to go to a new school. Unless the problems become really big.

Perhaps he's having problems because of his sexuality. Then, again, perhaps not.

What is true is that while a new school will be a new start, he will still be the person he is. While a new start can be of use, it can only be of use if the person making the new start also makes changes in himself or herself.

If anything, things could be worse because he may well have an added layer of "I hate this school. I don't want to be here!"

And if he's having problems because of his sexual orientation, what will stop the same problems at the new school? Perhaps there can be a stop if the environment is more accepting. But if it isn't, well, it can be a case of "more of the same." If anything, it might be worse, because he'd be starting from zero. At the old school, the news he's gay is going to be old news. But in September, if he comes out on the first day of school at a new school, it'll be new news there.

 

I'm glad you came here for advice, though this is a difficult situation. If he has been feeling brighter and happier since the new meds then now is your best chance to change the way you go about things. A lot of his behaviour isn't unique to being gay, it's a stage that all teenagers go through really, but I think it's safe to say that a massive amount of this has been caused by the way you've been acting since you discovered he was gay: by being incredibly strict and controlling.

I've been thinking about what to type here for a while now but it basically boiled down to what Chip said. You can now see with your own eyes that everything has gotten worse despite what you've been doing, so now would be the best time to try a different approach. We all want you and your son to get along, and that will most likely require changing the way you're going about things right now, otherwise it might take years to repair your relationship with him.

 

Hi MumWithAGayKid

as a parent myself, I can relate to the importance of keeping your child safe, particularly from the harmfulness of drugs. But this post above really resonated with me; do try to reconnect with him a little more, get him onside. Obviously you care for him a great deal, that is not in question. But I think that deep down, he still very much needs and would like to please you, and that will manifest more in his actions if there is a better relationship of mother and son between you. By all means set and enforce boundaries and consequences, but choose your battles carefully. If you push too hard, he will resist and fight all the more. Try to get him onside with you, I know it's hard but try to find some common ground. If he can once again feel this connection with you, his mother, who let's be honest, deep down would be very important to him, well then he will be more wanting to do what is right by you again.

My eldest is 15 and I guess I'm really lucky in that she has given me and my ex almost zero problems as far as forbidden behaviors go (aside from the usual things such as occasional rudeness, talking back etc), but then again, a bit of rebelliousness can be a sign of a strong spirit, too. So although this is a difficult phase for you, that's something to consider as well.

 

Your punishments don't seem cruel or unusual, so that area seems fine to me. However, his behavior continues. So, consider a different approach.

You could do something along the lines of what Chip said. Or you could let him do whatever and let him fall flat on his face. This means that he'll get in fights, drink, have sex, but most likely get arrested. Jail time might wake him up from his behavior. It's a crazy idea, but some people never learn unless they experience things for themselves.

Also, if you were going to give him a reward for good behavior, then let him see his boyfriend. But keep him on those pills that kill his arousal, they won't be having sex now. Next, if his sexuality is the main problem when it comes to getting in fights, a new school means new people, but same old orientation and attittude. It may be the same, or possibly worse.

I really wish I had better advice to give. Plan carefully for what discipline/relationship strategies you will employ, set a goal and timeframe for how your son's well being will be.

 

First, I agree with Chip. Second, just because your other son isn't "getting into trouble" like the one you've posted on here about, just means he's smart about it and doesn't get caught. I STRONGLY recomend you think back to when you where his age(maybe a few years older as generations seem to be growing up faster now) and think about all the stuff you got into trouble over. I don't know if your parents are still around, but talk to them. They've been through this all once or twice and know exactly what you're going through.

Honestly, that just means he's not getting caught. Kids/teens get into trouble it's part of growing up.

This is not a "one time quick fix", this is where being the parent comes into play. You have to keep trying "making deals" and learning to communicate with your son as an adult. Explain to him reasonings behind your decisions, in a way make him an active role in his own parenting.

Okay, firstly you're not a horrible parent. He's alive and made it through the first 13 years of his life. You've got quite a bit of things going right. The fact that for a while you were a part-time parent is where I think some of your issues are coming from. He's not used to seeing you in an authoritative role and you expect him to be like a 6-year-old, which has a completely different style of parenting. Like I advised you to have a heart to hart with your parents, you should give your son the same opportunity. He's not going to open up to you out of the blue though, you need to be the one to open up. I can't tell you how much I value the stories of when my mom was in highschool/college or about the times she spent with my grandfather.

Right now all he's seeing is the authoritarian side. Contrary to the old saying, in parenting a teen, there are times when you have to be his friend. take him out for something fun to do with him. I highly charish the memories of me and my mom eating ice cram and watching planes fly overhead from the airport down the street.

Reread that statement. You basically said you don't have time to put effort into fixing things. Sorry, but if you want things to get better: it's not magic. I've never read the book chip suggested, but there is TONS of parenting book(some arguably better than others) and it may be worth your time to do a little reading to save the relationship with your son.

I'm shocked the therapist you two have been going to hasn't mentioned this already, but going to him every now and then isn't going to fix the relationship. You've got to listen to what he says and put it into practice. In addition to that try stuff on your own.

Going back to the grandparents and when you were a kid: how would you have felt if your mother did everything in her power to make you stop hanging out with your closest friends I mean the people you shared your life with, not the pass-by friends that are a dime-a-dozen.

So educate him! Use logic and reason to explain to him why those behaviors are not okay. An example that I tell a lot of people with pot is this:

Pot is just a stupid thing to do. Simply because of the repercussions if you get caught. In the US it goes on your record as a "possession of drugs" charge and if you have enough of it, it gets listed as "possession of drugs with intent to distribute". In today's society where we will metaphorically hang someone for any little thing, a prospective employer will look at that and say "Hm, I wonder what drug it was?" They may think it's pot, they may think it's heroin. Either way some won't even risk an interview, because they don't want to take the chance of it.​

This takes it away from the "Because I told you to" 6-year-old parenting style and moves into the young adult "because it'll set you up for a future" situation.

Loss of dignity, is from (god I hate this word) shame. The way you reverse that cycle is instead of making his all of his choices, educate him and guide him to the choices that are going to set him up for a successful life.

Okay, that's fine. How long before he tries to find a way around that? When you had your first boyfriend did you let your parents sit in on every date?

I'm not saying that you should encourage them to have sex, but you can't be naive on the issue either. It's GOING to happen, when and how....I'd rather not know. What you need to focus on is that your son has all the information to take adult responsibility for the adult decisions he's making.

Like I've alluded to: He's got physical control of his body and what you think is control is just compliance and once again we've circled back around to advise and guidance being how you control him.

Have you explained this to him? I'm not questioning your decision to switch schools, but just as a little tid bit: SCHOOL SUCKS. Kids are ruthless little bastards with a vengeance out to belittle anyone for anything. So, if the reason for the school switch is because he's getting picked on by a few people or got into a fight. I'd reconsider, because he'll have to go through the same thing again at a new school, with zero friends and zero support network to fall back on.

I really think it's just how you're approaching him and the situations. This isn't a work situation where a manager can say "THIS STOPS NOW" and that be the end of it. it's going to take time, trust and effort.

Half of the medications on the market come with this disclaimer and it comes from how they do the testing. If it shows up as a side effect in X percentage of people then they have to list it. Watch, but don't intrude is the only advice I could give you there.

This follows my educate him point. You really need to open a conversation(2 way) with your son and talk to him about STDs/STIs and tell him about condoms, it's an uncomfortable conversation, but tough stuff that's where the hard part of parenting is.

I've already expressed my concerns if you send him to a new school. However I will say: some lessons can be "taught" to someone other lessons have to be "felt" to be "learned". Meaning somethings you just have to experience the consequences of to learn the lesson.

Honestly, she's either good at not getting caught or knows how to talk her way out trouble. I was blessed with both as a kid and now am comfortable saying I was involved in 3 fights, my parents only ever found out about 2. I almost had sex in the 7th grade(thank god I didn't), but my parents didn't even know I was into that guy or guys at all. Oh and my mom was downstairs. The difference is my parents trusted me to make the right decisions and educated me enough to be informed about the consequences of the decisions I made.

You don't have to(and I personally wouldn't want to) know everything your child does or the trouble he gets into. You just need to be there to counsel them, educate them and support them. That is what a parent of a young-adult does, maybe every once in a while issue a "your are not going out tonight" type statement. When they get older, they will realize that you always had their best interest and their back and you will be their best friend for life.

 

I hesitated a lot before posting on this thread. I really wanted to participate in the previous thread as well but I though maybe better advice would come from older people as I'm only 16. But I though that what I have to say might be useful.

Speaking from personal experience, you can never fully control a teen. I know this because I am a teen myself. I smoke a bit of weed and my parents strongly disagree with this choice. They have tried to stop me in the past and it hasn't worked. I would still find way to do it, not because of an addiction as this rarely happens with weed but because it was fun and I like being high. Another reason they couldn't stop me is because most of my friends also smoke weed and those are the people I've been friends with for years.
Before I write anything else, I understand and partially agree with you on the weed issue. I understand why as a parent you worry about your son smoking weed and I personally think 14 is too young anyway to be doing any kind of substance that affects the brain, alcohol included (especially if heavy usage).
Coming back to my parents, they have now realized that they couldn't possibly stop me, so instead they tried openly discussing the issue and make it so that if I smoke weed, it will be in moderation and that I won't be in any dangerous situation. And they did this while still fully disagreeing with what I am doing. So it is possible to be against something but still have an open discussion about so that at least it won't be the worst case scenario.

About the sex issue, I personally never had sex but I know about some of my friends and a couple of them had had sex or at least sexual activities at 14-15. And I have a pretty clear idea that this is quite common. I think the main worry you should have on that is that proper protection is used.
When you say

, this makes me sad and angry for your son. You have the right to disagree to him having sex, especially as he in under the age of consent. But saying that a 14 year old doesn't need to be sexually aroused is bad. A lot of boys start masturbating at an age around 11-12 I believe and I know I did start young as well. Masturbation is a very healthy thing for proper sexual development of a teenager and what you are doing to him, from what you described in your previous thread, could potentially make him ashamed of his sexuality and cause mental problems for him in the long term.
Another thing is that if this medication really stopped him from getting an erection, it could have been affecting his hormones or his sexual development and it could potentially create sexual health problems.
The main thing you should worry about him being sexual, is not trying to stop him using a dildo (at least it's better he uses that than a inappropriate thing like a cucumber and that it breaks inside), it is that he doesn't watch too much porn. Yes I said too much. Because I don't think a bit of porn is bad at 14 as long as he knows it doesn't portray the truth. Maybe also give him a good link about possible porn addiction.

About the alcohol issue, I believe and so do a my parents and a lot of people that the more you try to stop youngster from trying alcohol, the more they'll want to try it and that's what causes binge drinking in the USA, probably because of the draconian under 21 law.
Where I live, legal age for alcohol is 16 and even though that's pretty young, we do not have a big binge drinking problem like in the USA or the UK because drinking with a meal is in the culture and parents share that with their kids and teach them how to drink responsibly. In the UK, from what I have heard and read, drinking is not associated with having a meal and moderation is not always a common thing. A lot of people go to the pub to get wasted and that's the general culture and that's why there is so much problems in the UK. And the government planning to change the law from 18 to 21 won't change anything. Just look at the US.

I get that you find his behavior unacceptable because a lot of it seems unacceptable to me as well but please try to discuss stuff with your son and as it might already be too late and he might not trust you enough to discuss with you, make him discuss in private (meaning without you in the room) with a psychologist and try to really listen to what he has to say and not jump right back.

I might come back and write some more. I'm gonna stop now as it is quite late but please read the good advices you got on this thread and in your previous thread. I also agree with a lot of what Chip said.

 

I think it's fair for you to be upset about a lot of the stuff that's going on, but I strongly urge you to reconsider forcing your son to switch schools.

Unfortunately, being gay at his age is probably going to subject him to some negative comments and cruel behavior from some of his peers, but there's no reason to believe it will be any different at this other school unless you expect him to go back into the closet which is a completely unreasonable request. If he is being bullied due to his sexuality and still wants to stay at the same school and is strong enough to get through it, why force him into a potentially more uncomfortable situation? It sounds like school can be pretty rough for him, but taking him away from his friends is only going to make him more vulnerable. The last thing you want to do is isolate him.

 

I think you are being way too controlling, the drugs and 'police behavior' is probably a coping mechanism due to stress and depression. I'm glad you're opening up to him and his boyfriend a bit more, but I really can't stress what everyone else has said enough....

 

If I was in your position, reading all of this, I would be getting super defensive. Try not to do that reading this, I really want to help you.

I forgot to mention last time but I also think that changing schools is a mistake. It's not really solving anything. If you think about it it's an extreme "solution" to a problem that doesn't really fix it, it's basically just removing him from a support network and placing him somewhere he's not known or doesn't know anyone. He'll still be gay, he'll still be depressed, the only difference is you'll have placed him somewhere he's alone. It'll also be away from his swimming club, which is a positive thing, so removing him from that is a terrible idea. It'll also force him back into the closet, and being in the closet causes a range of problems. So yeah, I don't think you should put him to a new school.

As for the general situation, to be frank your son is at high risk of suicide. He's gay, so he can't relate with the vast majority of people on something that's huge to the world (being attracted to the opposite sex). He might be getting bullied. He can't talk to his family as, like you said in your other thread, they don't accept him and want to change him. He's so depressed that he's on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist at the age of 14. You want to take him away from his friends and isolate him somewhere new. He has no father to talk to. And, most importantly, he can't talk to you. The way you've been acting, the controlling and strict behaviour, has created a situation where your son now wont open up to you. He doesn't feel safe telling you things because he's not sure how you'll react, because from past experience you freak out when you learn things about him. Drugs is understandable, but the way you acted when you learned he was having sex? Or sending pictures to his boyfriend? You attempted to emasculate and humiliate him. Even schools accept teenagers are going to have sex, and therefore teach safe sex and being 100% ready. Honestly, him and his boyfriend are the same age and you said it yourself that he's a good kid. That is actually a healthy relationship by the sounds of it.

You basically just need to do what Chip said and do an almost complete 180, make it so your son feels like he can speak to you without you freaking out or punishing him severely. Maybe even learn to respect his privacy a bit more too, to help build trust. This will take time, there's no easy fix anymore, you just need to show that you're willing to try and he can trust you. That he can talk to you without you making things, almost irrationally, worse for him. You need to get to the stage where at the very least he doesn't feel like he needs to hide almost everything from you.

Saying this, I'm glad you came here. It really does show that you want what's best for him.

 

You remind me of my mom and if my mom knew I was a lesbian, she would do the same things your doing to your son , that's why I will never tell her until I'm far away from her and out of her house and even then when I get my own place I'm still scared to tell her because she's so judgmental and controlling . There is a lot of stuff my mom doesn't know about me and I think it's best to keep it that way because she acts this way .
unlike your son I'm not the rebellious type but my mom 's controlling and judgmental behavior has pushed me so far I don't want to have anything to do with her and I don't want to be close to her but in her mind like yours she thinks this is a great way to make me a better person .
If you continue doing this you'll push your son away way from you for good and sadly you might end up alone for the rest of your life .
I'm 26 years of age and am honestly so sick of my mom for treating me like your doing your son that I want nothing to do with her and I wouldn't even take care of her when she gets old or come visit her , I prefer for her to be out of my life and not see her again .
I ask you to stop this behavior before it's too late because you don't want your son to get to the point where I am at this age where you can't even stand to be around your parent stop pushing him away , stop trying to control him and let him be his own person and stop judging . Because you don't want him to feel like me you don't want it to get this far . Find a better way to raise your child because all your doing is making him hate you more and more .