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At my whits end with 15 year old son

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by momof5, Jul 3, 2014.

  1. momof5

    momof5 Guest

    My son is 15 and. He didn't come out to me necessarily but we had a conversation about a year ago and it was just understood that I know he is gay. He says it all the time now and is very comfortable with his sexuality.

    He is a really good kid and doesn't give me a lick of trouble. Gets good grades, doesn't drink or smoke, has a really fantastic set of friends.

    He has a problem with seeking out "relationships" via facebook, instagram, social media. Generally these people are part of the extracurricular sports community and have been all over the U.S. The specific problem is, he has this misconception that long distance relationships work. In the era of text and cell phone all a person has to do is turn there phone off or not respond to texts or phones. Over the past year as he matures it has gotten better be he is very insecure gets jealous if the person he likes is texting or talking to other guys. He will get into arguments with persons about this and end of not talking to them again.

    I have tried to explain that at 15 seeking out the relationship isn't in his best interest and to find someone local if he can, it makes it easier especially when learning about relationships and social queues.

    Example: Yesterday he was suppose to have a skype date and the other person couldn't attend. My son got upset and probably said some things that made the person mad and now they aren't speaking and my son is sad. UGH.

    Vicious circle that happens time and time again. My fear is in the sports community that he competes in I don't want him to go to nationals and have people say "oh there is that creepy kid from ..."

    Anybody have any advice on how I can help him with this.
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi and welcome.

    I've noticed over the past 5 years here at EC that there are an increasing number of teens reporting long-distance relationships. I think this is a byproduct of a connected culture, but also of a very deep need to feel connection and "belongong" at a time when all of their friends are finding boyfriends or girlfriends... and realizing that it's harder for LGBT teens because one can't automatically find or figure out who is or is not gay.

    Of course, it is very, very rare when a long-distance relationship among teens ever amounts to anything, but I don't think it's productive to try and convince a teen otherwise. However... in your case, I don't think the problem is the long-distance relationships. I see the issue as the jealousy, which would likely manifest itself just as much in an in-person relationship.

    The jealousy arises from a place of low self-esteem and the shame associated with that. Basically, usually at an unconscious level, the teen feels like he isn't worthy of a healthy, happy relationship -- this is very, very common with LGBT youth -- and so any time anything comes along that even remotely reinforces this idea, the response that comes out is one of "Well, this person doesn't care about me" or something of that sort, because the shame and low self-esteem is driving that message and causing the interpretation of anything even remotely ambiguous in that way.

    So I don't think trying to talk out of long-distance dating is going to solve the problem, because it will just manifest in a different way if he dates someone locally. I think the better strategy is to address the core issue. And, unfortunately, that isn't a simple "lets talk about this once" problem.

    If he's reasonably mature, I'd suggest that the two of you sit together and watch Brené Brown's TED talk "The Power of Vulnerability" and then talk about it. Brené is an amazing and funny researcher/storyteller who has a wonderful way of conveying how these issues of self esteem and shame impact our ability to feel love and belonging. If her work connects with him, then he should read "The Gifts of Imperfection" which will help.

    And pointing him here could be really helpful. The strongest antidote to shame is empathy and immersion in a community of people who share similar struggles, and he'll immediately realize he's not alone and hopefully be able to talk about all of the things that upset him. (Of course, he'll also have to struggle with not being able to share off-site contact with anyone here, or he'll get banned... it's part of our security policy that keeps this community safe for people like him.)

    He could also benefit from therapy if he's open to it and that's an option. Or, alternatively, he could talk with one of our peer advisors. Basically, anything that helps to externally affirm his worth and self-esteem is going to reduce the jealousy which is, I think, what's causing the real problem.
     
  3. momof5

    momof5 Guest

    Thank so much. I was hoping to let him know I stumbled across this site. I agree the jealousy and insecurity comes from low self esteem. I also think he is still learning the who dynamic of dating. He has little to know experience. A person on his team has been in a relationship for well over a year. He seems think he needs that.

    I know I can't talk him out of the long distance thing. I can only guide him. We generally can talk about nearly everything. I have told him his anxiety he feels is perfectly normal and alot of people experience that.

    I am going to direct him this way, but will keep myself anonymous so as to not embarass or shame him.
     
  4. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    One of the biggest challenges for teens is the very strong, nearly hardwired need to belong... it's evident much more so in middle and high school than in adulthood, so anything that makes anyone deviate from "belonging" can be catastrophic. This includes not having a boy/girlfriend, not having the right hoodie, shoes, haircut, backpack... and a million other things.

    Depending on the level of anxiety, it is somewhat normal. But if it's crippling, meaning it's impossible for him to make friends in person, or makes him really uncomfortable in social settings... it's something you might want to gently encourage him to address. Otherwise, as he gets older, he may reach for artificial means of calming the anxiety (drugs, alcohol) instead of working through them in a healthier way. There's a biochemical predisposition that creates risk, but it can be mediated by communicating about the issues and encouraging healthier coping strategies.
     
  5. momof5

    momof5 Guest

    So far he has a great group of friends that he is really close with, does the usual teen stuff. His anxiety comes more from the not having a boyfriend or trying too hard to get a boyfriend. He gets along with people at school etc.

    Its not crippling but a healthy dose of regular teenage angst. I did mention this website and he is very interested.