My 17 year old

ok, he seems asexual, while the "not being able to it up" might point to him being gay, it seems more that he has a low libido or just no sexual attractions

 

Hello Kelli, welcome to EC.

You sound like a wonderful caring mum and I am so please you are able to have open discussion with your son.

I don’t have kids so I have never had to face this sort of situation and I don’t have any specific advice other than perhaps introduce your son to this site. If he uses the search function in the bar towards the top of the screen and looks for asexuality perhaps if he looks at the stories of others he may find some similarities with his own feelings.

He could also perhaps look at the LGBT later in life section for experiences of those of us, like me (who also was not interested in girls or boys at his age), who didn’t realise they were gay when we were his age. When we look back on our life there were clues that we chose for whatever reason to ignore, it’s possible he may find some similarities in our stories that will help make something click in his mind and help point the way.

You have come to the right place for advice and I am sure others will chip in with their ideas and support soon.

Once again welcome and thanks for being so open minded.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Hi Kelli,

I should have also mentioned that I, and several others who didn’t realise they were gay until older, thought that I couldn’t be gay because I didn’t fit a gay stereotype. I don’t speak in an effected way, dress flamboyantly, or do any of the other things that the media often associate with being gay. I only found out relatively recently that 80% of gay guys are “straight acting” and it’s just a small 20% sub set of guys that match the Medias portrayal of us, and even then only part of the time. This disconnect between reality and the Media portrayal caused me huge internal conflict because I incorrectly assumed that if I was gay then I would end up being like the gay guys on TV and was not what I wanted, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not my cup of tea.

The second thing I should have suggested is to find out if there is an LGBT youth group in your area, perhaps your son could go along for a few weeks and see if he feels anything in common with the other young folks who may be struggling with their orientation.

If your son is gay then both of you should be aware of the “5 stages of grief” as he deals with the loss of his “assumed sexuality” i.e. straight. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I can’t find the exact link on this site but one of the admins, Chip, has written many times on this subject.

Sale Gay Guy

 

Well it sounds like he's gay if he's telling his friends that he suspects he is. Anyway as for your questions about knowing you're gay at early childhood, crushes, and fantasies:

Well everyones different in this regard. I had a crush on a girl pre-puberty, though I'm not exactly sure I knew what it was as I was too young, just that I liked her. There was no attraction to boys whatsoever, and I didn't have an interest in sex until I was about 12 or 13. Like your son, and a lot of others here, I don't seem like a stereotypical gay, I don't have an interest in "girly" things and most of my mates are straight males, plus I even had sexual relationship with a girlfriend for about 3 years around his age.

My fantasies were 98% about girls too, and the porn I watched was universally straight until I was about 17/18. If I ever did think about a guy it was mostly unintentional and only for the briefest of moments because it'd just make me upset. After a while of course, when I accepted I might not be straight, I started to realise that my fantasies or porn might have been chosen on whether or not a hot guy appeared in it, but it was so subconcious that I either never noticed or could deny it due to it being straight.

Point is denial is incredibly strong. You can fool yourself into believing something if you really want it to be true, and an apparent slight attraction to girls and/or a lack of attraction to boys isn't an entire indicator of whether or not someone is gay. There are many clues, it's not as simple as crushes because even some gay people can form a strong emotional attraction to the opposite sex, like a crush or even love, but are still gay. There's a lot of complex emotions and clues, one or two single things aren't a good indicator, but admiting to some of the people you're closest too that you think you might be gay (and watching gay porn) is a pretty big clue.

As for the way you're feeling, hoping he'll be straight, don't worry that's normal. You're basically going through the 5 stages of grief.

 

I'm a lesbian, but I suppose I can answer this too.

I think when I was younger, I did have crushes on girls, but I didn't realize it simply because they weren't boys. For example, when I was in, I think about third grade, there was this girl I knew at school who I really liked. I kept imagining what it would be like to kiss her. But it never occured to me that I had a crush on her. I don't even think I knew what 'gay' meant. But whenever I met a boy who was nice and I liked to be around, I assumed those must be crushes. The feelings were not romantic or sexual because they were simply imagined.

At first, I only thought about boys like that, because that was what I thought was normal. It didn't even occur to me that I could be with a girl. Once I realized I could, I started to think about girls more and more and guys less and less. And soon, the thought of being with a boy didn't sound at all appealing. I knew I couldn't be happy with one.

When I first started to fantasize about girls, I thought I was bisexual, since I still believed those past 'crushes' on boys were real. I couldn't distinguish them from real crushes until I started to have crushes on girls.

 

I agree with what YuriCore posted.

I actually experienced the same when I was younger. When I was a kid I actually used to hide with this girl and we would kiss on the mouth. As far as I remember, I never at that age, felt the urge to kiss another boy. Later when I was in elementary school I had a crush on a classmate of mine, a girl, it actually lasted for 3 years, and I believe they were romantic, because I wanted to kiss her and all that. By this time, I barely recognize any crush on boys, but I do have a doubt on somethings that happened between two people I knew. I had a best friend (a girl) and there was this guy that she liked, and every time they left me to be alone together I would get very jealous, but I never knew at the time if I was jealous because she went with him, or because he went with her and not with me. So, after analyzing those things, he might actually be my first guy crush and I never knew.

After puberty I had another girl crush that lasted 2 years and a half. Pretty much the same as the one before, but I never felt sexually aroused by her. By this time I was already fantasizing about guys, but pushed the thoughts back because of fear of being gay.

Now that I accepted my sexuality, I still haven't actually develop any long lasting crushes on guys, in fact, I still have crushes on girls, but that happens because I connect with them emotionally. Like Pluvia said, we can develop crushes and even fall in love with someone of the opposite sex even if we are gay, the thing is, that the love is based on emotional connection and not actually a sexual one.

So yeah, I believe he might still be coming to terms with the idea, and measuring his reactions to both sexes. Give him time and support, never forget to give him support, so no matter what the outcome he may know you still love him and support him.

 

I masturbated regularly but overall I felt somewhat asexual and more or less didn't fantasize/thought about anyone. I had two male crushes during my teenage years though but looking back, both were on boys who were feminine. I felt nervous around girls but the idea I could be attracted to them never crossed my mind. I really didn't know back then that being gay was an option. I started to date my boyfriend at 23, we've been together since then but a year ago (at 35) I realized I'm lesbian.

 

Just because he had a stereotypical "boy's childhood" doesn't have one bit to do with his orientation. He may be bisexual, he may be gay, but either way, does it make any difference to you?

Until I was 14, I thought I was straight. It was when I played football my freshman year of high school and being in the locker room...well it hit me like a ton of bricks. Don't just come out of nowhere and ask him "Are you gay," just be patient and let him come out to you on his own terms when he's ready.

 

Kelli -

I largely agree with most of what Chip wrote. The one piece of advice I'd give to you, that I really think you need at this moment, is to take a step back and take a deep breath. This is something that your son has to work out on his own. It's not something you can fix for him, or help him to decide. This is a personal journey for him, and he will eventually get to where he needs to be in time.

If your son is interested in getting blood work done, and entering therapy then this is good. So long as he doesn't feel pressured to do these things, and he's seeking them out for the right reasons then this can be a positive step.

However, I think it's important to avoid attaching a label to your son. Gay, straight, bisexual, whatever. In the end, it doesn't matter. He's going to figure it out. The pressure to choose is never helpful, it only produces unnecessary anxiety and stress, and actually makes it more difficult.

When I give advice to someone who is questioning their sexuality, and is in the position of your son (which is not that uncommon - look around these forums), the best advice I can give is to stop trying so hard. Step back, take a deep breath, and let nature guide you. Stop questioning and analyzing every feeling or impulse you have, and just give yourself permission to feel what you feel without judgement.

Nature is ultimately going to lead your son to where he needs to be; his sexual orientation is outside of his control. It's the cultural and social bullshit that gets in the way.

Of course, this is not an ideal position for you. Leaving things like this hanging in the air causes you anxiety and stress, and leaves you hanging onto false hope. This is the reason it's common advice to tell people NOT to come out to their family until they're certain about their sexuality. It prolongs the stages of denial and bargaining, and makes things much more difficult. Even when they reach a point of self-acceptance, and are ready to settle on a label for themselves there is a tendency to stretch things out. "Well, if he was uncertain before, maybe he's still uncertain." It's all that false hope that was dangled out there - it's always a bad idea to give people false hope of straightness, because people, especially parents, will sometimes cling to it like the last bit of debris from a sinking ship.

So, in closing, my advice to you is to reaffirm that you love and support your son no matter what, and let him know that he can talk to you about anything that's on his mind. Let him realize that you're an empathetic ear that's always willing to listen. Provide him with any assistance that he requests, such as going to doctors and the like to speak to them. Then, give him the advice above: encourage him to take a step back, take a deep breath and stop trying so hard. Let him know that sexual orientation is beyond anyone's control, and that in the end nature will eventually guide him to where he needs to be. Discourage him from over analyzing and questioning every feeling and impulse that he has, and to just give himself permission to feel what he feels without judgement. Then you should take a step back, and let him be.

Grant him the space and permission that he needs to figure things out on his own.

 

Kelli -

It's normal for your brain to work that way. It doesn't have anything to do with him being gay, it's an issue surrounding his identity. As part of that identity you thought you knew certain things about your son that may no longer be true. You had a future envisioned for him, and you had a general idea of where he fit in the world. All of that and more is being brought into question. It's changing how you see him and relate to him, and this is where the distress comes from.

When people are struggling with coming to terms with their sexual orientation they generally go through the exact same type of emotions that you're experiencing right now. Although, usually greatly intensified because it's very personal and has direct implications on their life.

From the moment we're all born we're taught to see ourselves as straight - directly or indirectly. We envision a certain type of future for ourselves, a straight future. We have a sense of who we are and where we belong within our social groups and society at large. Then we start to realize that we're gay, and it's not the sexual orientation part that is the real issue - it's the social and cultural stuff that is the issue.

Realizing that you're gay is an assault on the straight identity that was cultivated by both society and family. Suddenly, you're worried that you may no longer fit in, as you realize that you're different from other people. The future you envisioned for yourself is brought into question. Coming to terms with being gay involves someone going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's the last part that's the most important, as that's where everyone hopefully ends up.

Acceptance is when you finally accept yourself as being gay, and begin to incorporate it into your identity as part of who you are as a person. That doesn't necessarily mean that it becomes the thing that defines who you are, but sexuality and romantic relationships are a huge part of our lives that influences so many other aspects of it.

I can't speculate on whether or not your son is gay or not, but he's certainly questioning whether or not he's straight. So, he's going through this process right now, and because you know that he might not be straight you are going through it too.

 

Hi Kelli,

You sound like a great mom! I don't have much to add onto what others have said, but I will say that your son sounds like he was going through some of the things that I went through around that age.

When I was also 17, I began watching gay porn. I didn't know why. I didn't think I was gay. I had actually had a girlfriend even while I was watching gay porn at one point. Looking back now, it should have been very clear to me that I was gay, but it's understandable why it isn't. Even though you and your family sound wonderful and supportive, society expects boys to like girls. Your son will feel these expectations even if you are supportive. I know I was so conditioned I got a girlfriend because that's what I figured I was supposed to do. I was pretty indifferent towards her. I had a thought a time or two that I might be gay, but quickly dismissed it because, "oh, I'm not one of them. I'm normal." The idea of a relationship with a guy repulsed me until quite a while after I realized I was gay. The reason it repulsed me was because I society trains everyone that it's wrong.

I'm not saying that your son is gay or anything, but he very well could be. Ultimately, this is something he will need to figure out on his own. It's a very confusing time for him, and you being supportive either way is wonderful for him. I'd second what a few others have said and suggest that he doesn't try to label it at first. I know when I first realized I wasn't straight, I wasn't sure if I still liked girls, or if I was full on gay. There are a lot of stereotypes that come with the label, and when someone doesn't fit those stereotypes, it is hard for them to label themselves as that if that makes sense.

Anyways, you are a great mom and your son is lucky to have someone like you

 

Hello SaleGayGuy, Wow! I just read this and have to say what you said about the loss of his "assumed sexuality" really helped me. Now I have words to put to what my husband and I felt after our 18 yr old son at the time came out to us. He just turned 19 in June. Anyway, I have been searching for the words "assumed sexuality" yes! thats what it was.Its clearer to me now what all the emotions were. I could kind of explain it in a long drawn out form but now I dont have to. Thanks for being here and sharing. I appreciate everyone here so much. turtlemom

 

Hi Turtlemom

So pleased I could help in this confusing time for you all. Being much older than your son and coming from an age when being gay was not acceptable it has taken me a long time to work through the loss of my “Straight Self”. In fact my wife and I are still working through the process, but I do recognise the various stages and they are very similar to the grief I felt at the loss of my father.

Even though my wife and I don’t have kids I can easily imagine if we did we would be thinking as they grew up of them getting married and having kids of their own and us becoming grandparents. You were probably thinking the same but now with your sons coming out your hopes and aspirations may be in tatters, but all is not lost. You are fortunate to live in a country where gay marriage is becoming more common, and if I remember well you live in a state where it is now legal, and many gay couples now have kids either through adoption or surrogacy. So perhaps your dream of becoming grandparents at a future date is not in tatters it’s just that you will be the “New Fangled” type of grandparents in the new normal society. Speaking of the “New Normal” it’s a TV show, if you haven’t seen it you should, it’s about a gay couple who have a baby through a surrogate mum.

Sale Gay Guy