Advice on helping son

I think it sounds like you've done just about everything so far. Just letting him know your there for him is about all you can do, and it goes a long way. Don't hound him about it or anything though. Give him space.

 

You've done really good so far.
Just make sure he's aware that he can come and talk to you about anything without judgement. I assume that came up in the other conversation anyway.
After that, let him come to you.

Peace (*hug*)

 

You sound like a brilliant dad. The way you handled that was just about the best way you could. In terms of helping him understand it - when the opportunity arises, I would try to talk to him once again - focus on the facts. Here are a few thoughts;

Point out that you don't get to choose who you fancy - your sexuality kinda chooses you.

It's ok not to know. Sometimes it can take a while to figure things out you don't have to put a label on yourself or your feelings if you don't want to.

Everything he tells you, you'll keep completely confidential - perhaps even from his mum, if that's what he wants. I know that must be hard - but it's an important confidence measure to encourage him to open up to you.

Be honest, you don't have all the answers, but make sure he knows he can ask you any question at all. There's nothing that's too weird or strange.

The absolute most important thing for you & his mum is that you want him to be happy and you'll love him whatever.

If he wants to "come out" at any point, to his friends/school/family - you'll support him 100%

When you judge the time is right, tell him if he thinks he ever needs condoms, you'll get them for him, no questions asked.

When talking to him, steer clear of the labels like "gay" or whatever - they probably mean something very different to him, than they do to you. It took many of us years to be able to look into the mirror and see a gay guy looking back at us - mainly because the "gay" label was so toxic. If he puts a label on his feelings, be sure to use that label.

It may be worth just casually pointing out some LGBT people that you know/have known. You could ask him if he thinks any of his classmates are gay/bi etc.

Finally, If I were you, I'd get him the HPV vaccine if possible, as soon as possible.

Anyway, those are just a few thoughts. I'd strongly encourage you to stick around this site & read as many posts as possible. It should give you a decent idea of what's going through his head and the issues he'll likely face over the next few years.

For now you're doing good. Well done dad!

---------- Post added 30th Jul 2014 at 01:20 PM ----------

Just one point to add - I think it's probably really important to stress to him that you and your mum won't mention the flirting with guys/boy crush thing to anyone else. Obviously doing so anonymously online is a bit different, but he needs to know that he hasn't been *outed* - that he retains control of who knows about this.

From his perspective, you've just kinda forced him out of the closet a very long time before he was ready. It's probably for the best for him in the long run, but it will inevitably take a short term toll on him & his dignity. You know his deepest darkest secret. It's perfectly normal in that situation to make it all want to go away again.

Probably best to organise some summer activities for you & him. Just to rebuild that relationship & show him you're completely ok with him & nothing has changed.

---------- Post added 30th Jul 2014 at 01:23 PM ----------

That should have read "It's perfectly normal in that situation to want to make it all go away again."

 

Re: "certain family members suddenly not caring much for him (I really hope he doesn't experience that, but most of our family is Christian -me being the only exception) ...."

Ok, You and his mum are absolutely the most important people in his life. What you think matters 100x more than anyone else.

The way to deal with this, IMO, is to challenge any homophobia when you encounter it. If you have a dinner party with his aunts/uncles etc & someone says something bad, then challenge it. Say you disagree. Speak your mind & don't let him just assume that everyone agrees.

I know that is often awkward, but it does make a huge difference for a young person to hear. It quietly sends the message that you're on their side. If he is gay/bi or whatever, you want him to be able to stand up for himself - show him how to do that.

Also, bear in mind that peoples opinions/prejudices towards LGBT people are often challenged when someone they know & care about *comes out* - People really do change their minds when they realise gay people aren't just *other* people - they're brothers, sons, daughters, nephews, friends etc.

 

I think Uniqueusername3 hit on everything that is really important. The only stuff that I can add to that is the following...

It's important for your son to feel like he has permission to feel what he feels, and for him to know that he shouldn't let what he feels be dictated by other people. It's easy as a teenager, and even as an adult to constantly judge and criticize your own thoughts and feelings because you're afraid of what other people will think of you. This is an important skill that needs to be developed in order to be a well-rounded adult. It goes beyond sexuality and sexual orientation, but that's a particularly sensitive area where we constrain ourselves a lot based on what we fear other people might be thinking about us. Helping your son develop a sense of courage in facing who he is, accepting himself as he is today, and being able to stand tall while being his authentic self... that's a gift that will change his life forever, and it is something he will use and rely on until his dying day.

Another thing that will really help both you and your son, is figuring out a way to have impromptu heart-to-heart conversations. Having these "family meetings" can be difficult for both you and your son. It's not the best time for him to open up and be honest. You're not really building your relationship here, you're confronting issues that need to be discussed. You are in "parent mode". One of the things that really helps is looking for things in your daily life, and just talking about them with your son. You hear him talking about his friends, ask him questions, genuinely listen, and steer the conversation in a direction where you want to discuss something with him. The same is true if you hear something on the radio in the car or see something on TV. All of these little moments become opportunities for you to have conversations with your son about a whole range of topics.

Most importantly, it takes the pressure off of you, and it takes the pressure off of him. And there may be some things that he's just uncomfortable with discussing, and that's okay. It's important to respect that boundary, but at the same time it's also important to make it clear that it's perfectly acceptable for him to talk to you about anything on his mind. You're not going to judge him, think less of him, or anything like that. You may have concerns for him, depending on what he brings up, but it's not going to change your love or support for him.

If you do this often enough, your relationship with your son will grow much stronger, and he will actually start coming to you for advice. Because he's discussed uncomfortable topics in the past with you, and you were cool with it, didn't judge him, didn't freak out, and all of that... he's going to feel comfortable coming to you for advice and support on those same matters. He knows it is safe. And trust me when I say, this is exactly what you want as a parent. You don't want a situation where your son feels like he has to make difficult decisions - perhaps with major consequences - all on his own. It's the best way you can protect him from all the things that you worry about.

Hopefully this helps.

 

I think you're one of the most level-headed parents we've had come on here to ask for advice since I've been here, and he's lucky to have a dad like you.

Porn is something I'm kind of on the fence about when it comes to kids that young. The only thing that's alarming to me is the fact that he's sending out pictures. If they were nude pictures, he's done something that may just come back to haunt him decades from now. That's something that needs to be addressed immediately.

 

I think the main thing is to continue to send him messages that there's nothing wrong or weird about him liking other boys.

I too think you should be concerned about sending pictures. Unfortunately, a lot of teens send out nude pictures, and once they're out there, there's little they can do to prevent them from spreading.

 

To start, this..

"To be honest, it just wasn't - nothing changed. I still view him exactly the same, we still interact the same, we're still doing the same things together - it's as nothing is different. I don't know, maybe that's a good thing. Time will tell I suppose."

..is a good thing. To you it might not have been a major life event, but to him it was. Coming out is extremely stressful, the psychological effects of it are absolutely massive, people spend decades hiding this. As you saw even your son, with you being incredibly supportive, broke down in tears when you confronted him about it. Ultimately though, the fact you don't think anything has changed is a good thing.

Show him he can come to you about absolutely anything, show him you're there for him and support him. Heck, every so often you can even ask if there's anyone he likes. Though there's a high chance that even he's not completely sure what sexuality he is, so don't expect an answer there. But speaking positively about LGBT matters (like same-sex marriage on the news for example) will go a long way with him, even if it doesn't seem like it. Really, you handled the situation pretty much perfectly.

As for the porn, all boys around his age start watching porn, it's completely normal, but you can just put a block on porn on your tablet if you don't want him watching it on that.

 

You sound like a really great Dad and I can only hope that my parents would handle this situation as well as it seems you have.

I would just say that you should make sure that you let him know that you love him no matter what and that it is ok for him to like whoever he likes. Just having the support of his parents early on will make it a lot easier for him down the road.

Also, I'd be sure to try and show him that not all gay people are like the stereotypes portrayed on TV. That was one big issue that I had in accepting that I was gay was that I felt like I didn't really fit the gay stereotype and nor did I want to. Make sure that he knows that how he acts and portrays himself don't have to change when he finds out that he is gay.

Any ways, keep up the good work! You sound like great parents!