Update on my 12 year old son

I think he feels relieved to have it out in the open. I know that, since discovering my sexuality (along with being a teenager lol), my relationship with my mom has suffered. I'm slowly trying to repair it, but it's difficult without being out to her.

Anyway, I think he's just happy to know that you're supportive and aren't mad at him for what he did. You seem like a really good mom, and I hope everything goes well.

 

You shouldn't worry so much about your husband just bring up the topic(not your so. Being gay) of gay men and what he thinks about it and tell him that he should never expect someone to be heterosexual. I guess what I mean is just get him used to the idea. Bring up the topic show interest in it and show your husband that gay men should be accepted for who they are because IT IS NOT A CHOICE. When I told my mom I had been bringing up the topic a lot. I brought up gay movies(appropriate) and gay characters in a soap opera she was watching so that she wouldn't take it so hard when I told her she said that, that gave her the idea that I was gay but she said that she would've been accepting either way so just be careful. Don't offend him and most importantly if your husband ever criticizes the LGBT+ community make sure you point out to him that it's wrong to do that. I hope I was able to help

 

It'll be a shock, for sure. No matter how liberal or accepting parents are, there's still a grieving process to go through. You've had a bit of time to deal with it & process all the emotions - his dad will probably be hit by a brick & may say some things he later regrets.

Unfortunately that's just what happens.

Things do get better though, and after a year or two you'll probably both wonder what all the fuss was about.

 

I think he was scared and ashamed after being caught, and he'd gone into defense mode. That doesn't excuse slapping his mother across the face, but I can understand the way he felt. That said, I think you can use this experience to grow closer to your son. Show your love and promise that you'll be at his wedding no matter who it's with.

 

Chip's theory that your husband's disappointment with Mike not playing sports could also be linked to his fear that his son is gay, whether he consciously knows it or not, makes sense. Given your husband's response to the hypothetical question you posed to him, his answer seemed curt and obviously wanted to avoid the topic.

Also...your son slapped you? I would not put up with that, and at the very least would have slapped him right back; let his father know, and ground him indefinitely.

 

Even though he hasn't come out, I think the improvements you're noticing are because he's no longer in shame about viewing gay porn. In time, he'll probably come to accept that he's not straight, and will tell you about it.

---------- Post added 30th Jul 2014 at 03:29 PM ----------

I wouldn't recommend that. Physical violence is unacceptable, but I don't think that punishing violence with violence is productive.

 

hey cann it seems like your doing the best you can in a hard very spot.glad to hear mike is smiling.chip recommended a book Brené Brown's "Daring Greatly" on the issue of shame.i kinda wanna push that advice on you as someone whos been in your sons spot i feel its the issue that needs the most attention.brene brown has a great ted talk 2 Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Talk Video | TED.com. i wana mention your approach to these issues is pretty impressive. i have a lot of faith in people who seek out advice and examine their own actions objectively.and from evidence ive seen its a pretty successful approach to dealing with life.

 

To add, your son getting angry, unreasonable, and rebellious is a completely normal thing during puberty. Being gay there's going to be a whole load of other emotions involved, probably depression too, but as long as you show him you're there for him and you love and support him, it should be alright.

Saying that, physical violence against you should not be tolerated. It's a shame your husband acted like that in response to you getting hit and your question about him being gay.

 

It sounds like you're handling this well.

To me what is just as troublesome as your husband's stand-offishness on the topic of homosexuality is his gendered attitude towards masculinity and sports. Not all boys like sports; some like staying inside and reading more; some like dance; some like model making or hiking. Every child should be encouraged to do interests that he/she enjoys and is good at, whether or not they fit into preconceived, limiting blocks of what's ultra masculine or ultra feminine.

My dad was a little like your husband towards my lack of interest in sports, not perhaps to the same extent, but it increased the emotional distance between us. Kids pull away when they see that their parents irrationally value them not on all the good things they are, or do, but on their lack of adherence to some gendered standard.

I would suggest being firm with your husband on this point. The gay thing is too emotive to bring up directly - and who knows your son's actual sexual orientation, at this early stage? But it will be easier if your husband knows that he should love and support his son equally whether he is very masculine or not so masculine. It shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter, and it's a dereliction of duty on your husband's part if he makes it matter.

 

my brother is pretty open about our faults and mistakes around his step kid.the idea behind it is to show the example if he can still love us knowing what we were like at his age etc. then he can expect the same reaction from us.its a pretty sly way of getting him to be open.but from how open hayden is with us with his problems its a pretty profound difference than it was with our parents.try to go to him with any of your problems ask advice from him if you can show traits you want from him .then he should feel comfortable opening up.basically avoid talking on a different level .

 

About the behavior issue:
Those past years I've had a pretty difficult relationship with my parents and mainly my mother. I was and still am sometimes even though I try to control it, in a very tensed mood inside and can become agressive in a second if I get pissed about something.
I think this is due to the load of internalised stress, anxiety, homophobia and self hatred I was feeling for myself before accepting who I am. This load got smaller when I came out to a couple of people. And now I am not out yet to my parents, but I'm planning on doing it in about 2 weeks time. And when I think about this, I of course feel anxious but also some sense of feeling the relief coming soon. I don't know if that was clear but I feel happy knowing that soon I will be out to my parents and not only to a couple friends.
This load of stress I had made me agressive and as I have have a pretty "standing up for injustice" kind of personality, I would not shut up when a teacher would give a punishment I though was unfair and I almost got expelled for that. The school says I have anger management issues, which might be partially true but now that my stress load is partially lifted, I feel less angry.

On the husband "issue" I can't really help you as I have no experience dealing with that :lol:

Anyway I want to congratulate you because you seem like such a good mother, loving and caring for your son. You seem to have accepted the possibility that he might be gay pretty quickly and love him for who he is so congratulations again.
And as others said, do not assume heterosexuality of a child because it could potentially hurt (I know it did a bit when my parents were asking me questions, which they don't anymore).