Why can't she choose one ? Please advise

She's probably bisexual, likes both girls and boys. However, if she has this disability she could have a disabled sense of empathy, too. So maybe that's why she doesn't understand the bad break up timing.

Maybe it would help if you teach her that the cloths don't make the man. She can dress guyish or girly all she wants and it has nothing to do with what gender she likes. But she will probably never be either straight or gay, instead somewhere in between.

 

This definitely sounds like bisexuality. Sometimes people who are bisexual will shift in whether they prefer to be with a man or a woman at any particular time, which is what it sounds like your daughter is dealing with.

As for the clothing choices, perhaps she feels like she needs to "fit the stereotype" by dressing in what she imagines is right for a person of her sexuality.

 

I do not know what developmental delays your daughter suffers from, but if she is on the autism spectrum or in any way has autistic traits, that might very well make it difficult for her to understand other people's emotions and how her actions affect others around her.

I personally do not see anything wrong with her changing gender expression and identity, I think the bigger problem is your being embarassed by it.
I know it's tough with the way society is, but you should try to support your daughter no matter what and it might very well be that she keeps going back and forth for the rest of her life, that might very well be who she actually is.

Of course I understand that it must be hard for you and for the poor lad, but if she is capable of making her own decisions in life ( would she for example be able to marry legally without you having to sign anything in her name?) then that is just her decision and will have to be accepted by all involved.

That being said, maybe she just thinks that people who are with women are men and people who are with men are women and thus thinks she has to change her gender expression each time she feels like she's more into one or the other.
It might help trying to explain to her that girls can like girls and boys can like boys, even though society tends to be heteronormative.
So maybe she does not actually think she's a girl at one time and a boy at another, but that she has to be a boy to like girls etc.

Sorry I really wish I could be of more help, but that's a very unusual situation you are in and I obviously have little experience in dealing with that.
I have an autistic, lesbian relative, but her gender expression is absolutely normative, so that is in no way comparable to your situation.

 

Sometimes people just need time and exploration to find themselves and work out their sense of personal identity. I can appreciate that it might be difficult not being able to predict what she is going to do next and worrying about whether she is going to keep hurting people, but she probably needs to feel as though she is free to live life without people trying to label her, if you see what I mean. People shouldn't judge you, her family, for her constant changes, but if they do then they probably aren't worth worrying about anyway! So try not to dwell on what the people at the grocery store are thinking about her clothes and her love-life.

Have you tried to talk to her about it? I mean, a proper, meaningful conversation? She might not want to, but if she is open to discussing how she's feeling, you might both reach a better level of understanding of each other.

 

I disagree with the "bigger problem is your being embarrassed by it". I mean the girl was talking about marrying a guy for months and then not only broke up with him 6 weeks after his dad died, she then said she's hurting the worst. That's pretty selfish, a massive lack of empathy on her part there. A completely normal reaction to that is embarrassment, it's not "the bigger problem".

OP, if her disability affects her empathy and perhaps social understanding, then that might be the bigger cause of this, rather than her sexuality.

 

Never heard of such a case