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Suspect Husband is Trying To Come Out

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Ilyana, Aug 8, 2014.

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  1. Ilyana

    Ilyana
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    My husband and I are part of a close knit Slavic religious refugee community here in U.S. He has admitted to bi-curious behavior in the past and also has several male gay friends when we first met. I didn't think too much about it when he told me these things nor was I sure how to respond. I thought since we were sexually active it was a phase he went through in his early 20s. Now he has been spending a lot of time with a new man. This man is also Slavic and just came out of the closet. My husband did not tell me this. Unfortunately I learned from friends gossiping and was shown things posted on social media. I could tell something in my husband changed with the beginning of this new relationship with his friend. He has become very withdrawn. We are no longer intimate. He goes outside to talk to his friend on the phone for hours. I am not involved in their relationship. I told him I am unhappy and I can tell something has changed especially since his new relationship with this particular friend started. He came to me today crying saying he needs to tell me something but he is too afraid. He said he needed God more than ever and he feels suicidal. I told him nothing he could tell me would make me hate him and that I wanted us to both be happy. We don't have children so it would be easier to break now. He said he just couldn't tell me what was upsetting him. I don't know what to do.
     
    #1 Ilyana, Aug 8, 2014
  2. C06122014

    C06122014 Guest

    In sorry I can't really help you but I will try To help get people to reply :slight_smile:
     
    #2 C06122014, Aug 8, 2014
  3. indie

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    I suggest giving him as much time as he needs to tell you, I would not rush it
     
    #3 indie, Aug 8, 2014
  4. burg

    burg
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    i think you dealt with it pretty well aye.and from what you have said you may be on the money.saying that look after your self first it may be best to insist he tell you what the problem is.
     
    #4 burg, Aug 8, 2014
  5. Damien

    Damien
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    What you said to him is so beautiful I've literally got tears in my eyes reading this. How fortunate that he has someone like you to come out to, I don't know what to say. You're an amazing and patient woman.
     
    #5 Damien, Aug 8, 2014
  6. user123456

    user123456
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    You're such a great understanding person, it must be so hard on you but you still want to make sure you are both happy, although it might end up with you losing your lover. You're amazing.

    IMO just give him time. If you see him down again, though, make sure you let him know he can tell you everything, and that it's better to talk about problems until they grow too big!

    PS: Just wondering, what the hell is a "Slavic religious refugee community" and why do you define someone as being "slavic"? Why don't you state a specific nation when you want to specify it in the first place?
     
    #6 user123456, Aug 9, 2014
  7. Ilyana

    Ilyana
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    Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and reply. This is a very positive forum and I appreciate that. Sorry if I am confusing anyone. We are a Russian/Ukrainian couple. I know there are LGBT in our community but overall our community is not very accepting of that. We are Slavic Baptist. I use Slavic because that is what the churches are called. This is pertinent because he will be completely ostracized if he does decide to become more open. I am sure I will be told archaic things as well. We actually made progress last night. I told him what is on my mind and for the first time he did not become angry or deny anything. He just cried.
     
    #7 Ilyana, Aug 9, 2014
  8. Z3ni

    Z3ni Guest

    Sounds like he does want to come out, but finds its too difficult despite knowing you might know.

    Its great that you are so supportive of him :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Z3ni, Aug 9, 2014
  9. burg

    burg
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    its hard to give you any advice as you seem pretty level headed:icon_bigg:icon_bigg as long as your there for him he wont be completely ostracized.
     
    #9 burg, Aug 9, 2014
  10. HTBO

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    I don't know if you would be comfortable with this, but if you really do suspect he is gay, which sounds like it's a good possibility, and it does sound like he's ready to tell you, you can ask him about it. I used to hope that my husband would just ask me and then I could just say yes I was. He's lucky to have someone so understanding and perceptive.
     
    #10 HTBO, Aug 9, 2014
  11. Ilyana

    Ilyana
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    Thank you all for your advice and words of encouragement. I have gone through a wide range of emotions today. I am going to my parents home for now. I respect his feelings but I also need to respect mine. We are married and infidelity whether emotional or physical is not ok. I also never felt complete. It always felt like something was missing in the marriage and I blamed myself. I would be a lot more bitter if I didn't see why he felt as though he had to conform. It feels good to know I am not crazy and finally start making progress. I am not going to tell anyone in our personal life what is going on. I need time to figure out myself how I feel. Thanks again for all the kind words.
     
    #11 Ilyana, Aug 9, 2014
  12. girlpower

    girlpower
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    You have been great till now. I'm sure you are an understanding person.. and you already have an idea what it could be so its good that you can prepare yourself at whatever he comes up with. As you would know sexuality is something that cant be controlled.. so its clearly not his fault if he is willing to talk about it and be honest with you. Assure him that no matters what you'l support him and understand him. if he needs more time tell him to take it and speak up only when he is ready.. he needn't felt alone or afraid. I wish you strength in dealing with it.
     
    #12 girlpower, Aug 10, 2014
  13. user123456

    user123456
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    Yeah, as burg said, there's no advice to be given to you, I think you are handling the situation perfectly. I also wish you that this situation ends up in the best way for both of you, whatever that will be :slight_smile: I admire you for being able to take this so reasonably when it's such a difficult situation!
     
    #13 user123456, Aug 10, 2014
  14. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    what is for sure is that gay don't go away. nor does bi!
     
    #14 Wildside, Dec 25, 2014
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