My 12 year old son just came out to us - introduction

I think it's good that the only thing you're worrying about is how he is going to be reacted to, as long as you don't discourage him from being open about it, then it is fine because it just means you care about him. I think your reactions are fine as long as you are supportive of it. It's natural to be uncomfortable when something isn't how you originally thought it to be.

I think it is great that you and your husband are great straight allies and I would recommend him to this site as soon as he reaches 13.

Good luck to you and your son!

 

I'd recommend a brilliant book by a guy called andrew solomon - "Far from the tree"

He's gay himself - but this book is about kids who are different to their parents, how parents react/adjust to the difference & relate to their child. It's a tough read & very challenging.

Although he doesn't cover the obvious parent-with-a-gay-kid scenario, the book is actually better for it. The parallels are blindingly obvious.

 

Great idea!

Theres so little information out there for parents in your situation, go for it, write the book!

Just bear in mind that your son is slowly becoming his own person and will probably want his own space/privacy. However much you want to help, he's going to have to figure out a lot of stuff for himself over the coming years. The best you can do is try to keep open your lines of communication & let him know that whatever is on his mind, he's not a freak or a weirdo. Lots of people will be giving him that message.

 

Have you heard of PFLAG? Parents and friends of lesbians and gays. Great organisation!
US: PFLAG National
UK: PFLAG UK, Free Resources for Gay & Lesbian People, Help and Advice for Parents, Friends, Family of Lesbians and Gays in the UK

 

uniqueusername3, I read reviews of Far from the tree and it struck me as something I'd really want to read. The parallels between gayness and so many other 'conditions' (I use that term with trepidation!) are so fascinating. It's good to be told that it's actually good by someone who has read it, so thanks

 

Sounds to me like you've done almost everything right so far.

Cut yourself some slack - no one is perfect, but you come pretty damn close

 

I'd just treat him the same as if he was straight. But let him know he can come to you if he needs you and then leave him to come to you.

 

I agree with most of what you said, but the five stages of greif was made only to cover the news of impending death, and isn't applicable to all traumas. Not only that, but even dying people haven't been proven to actually go through those stages.

Five Fallacies of Grief: Debunking Psychological Stages - Scientific American

 

From my experience - as a gay man, not as a parent - your response is a healthy and normal one.

You don't care that he is gay, but you do care how others will perceive/treat him.

It's funny - being gay gives you a thicker skin as you almost come to expect people to disapprove of you.

Luckily - this is changing and sometime in the future (I can dream) it hopefully won't be an issue.

Whether they love a boy/girl/whatever, as long as their partner is loving/treats them well then parents will not care.

I applaud you for supporting/loving your son for who he is. As someone with parents who do not do this, it is important for his own self image that you do this.

Keep supporting him and loving him - he may disappoint you and may frustrate you, however that's what teenagers do.

 

Congrats slestell on handling this so well. It is so hard as a parent to KNOW that others will hurt our children. My daughter came out as bisexual at 12 to me, my husband and my mother. She has told a couple close friends but that is all. We have told her that whenever she wishes to come out to anyone else we will support her fully. We have also told her what to expect from nearly the entire rest of the family. We cannot think of a single family member who will be supportive. The majority of them will be completely awful about it. Even though it is all theoretical behavior based on likely future events I have found myself feeling very angry at family members for what they probably will say and do if/when they find out about her sexuality. It is not guess work either. It is based on what they have said and done regarding LGBT people and issues. Heck for some of them it is based on what they say and do regarding "anyone slightly different that the perfection that is ME!" The best we, as parents, can do is to prepare our children for the fact that some people will be nasty. Some people who they know and love will treat them in vastly different ways. We can let them know that no matter who it is we will always choose and love our child over those who would harm them or deny them. Yes, your grandfather will be an ass but we will protect you from his ass-y-ness as much as we can and nothing he can say or do will make us love you less. My daughter has chosen to keep her business to herself for the moment as she is too young to date and as she puts it "the people who matter already know. The people who don't know don't really matter." Love your son. Support him. Let him know that he comes first. He will be alright and so will you. Good luck.