How to approach appropriate times to come out with 12 year old son

You cant protect your child forever. Let him be himself. Why oh why are you all getting together and telling him to hide himself from people? So what if they're complete strangers? He is gay. The boy who got freaked out is the one who needs to be talked to - its his issue not your sons.

You are damaging your childs confidence because you are afraid that he will be picked on for his sexuality. This is not a good idea at all.

Your son is gay. Why do you feel the need to protect other children from that fact?

 

What has he actually done to disrespect these other kids boundaries?

 

Yeah, you're right, your son does need to learn that no means no. But this has nothing whatsoever to do with his sexuality... and I'm not sure that you understand that.

---------- Post added 25th Aug 2014 at 04:44 PM ----------

Chip. I can see where you're coming from here but I dont think that its helpful to make him change his behavour based on other kids issues with his sexuality.

 

"He says that he finds it a compliment if a girl says she likes him even though he doesn't like her and doesn't get why a guy wouldn't feel the same way. Ugh....I know I am mishandling this."

No you're not mishandling this at all. He's got a completely valid point - he's actually right. That doesn't make unrequited crushes any easier though...

"So....how do I encourage him to be careful and circumspect and appropriate without it seeming like I am ashamed or embarrassed or want him to hide in the closet? Any advice?"

It's a bit of a social minefield this one...

What i'd say is that you're, frankly, doing an absolutely awesome job. If anything, I'd say you're perhaps in danger of trying to do too much. You can't micromanage his social interactions with his classmates - he's going to have to learn to navigate these himself. When he faces difficult or awkward situations (and there will be many, many of those in the years to come) sometimes it's best just to listen and empathise, rather than feel like you have to advise & have all the answers. Learn with him and above all, support him for who he is.

One thing I would do is to try to connect him to other "out" gay kids with supportive parents around the same age/similar maturity level. Pflag might be helpful for this. He'll be able to talk about his experiences / awkward situations with others who are in the same situation - and maybe he'll even find someone to validate & return his feelings. Even if it's just a "long distance boyfriend" over skype or something, at least he then has an outlet. Obviously safety caveats apply here, especially as your son is so young.

I don't know. You're going to have to make this up as you go along, i'm afraid!


Edit: I've just seen your comment about the boundaries etc - I really think it just reinforces the need to connect him to other gay kids his age, so he can talk about how to handle his crushes etc. with people who really understand what it's like.

 

I don't think you have done anything wrong in your handling of this. Your son is not understanding the messages of boundaries and appropriateness. You mentioned a school counselor. Does this person have credentials (not to put them down)? All the different states have their own requirements for public school counselors, which may not apply in a private school. If you are satisfied with the counselors creds, perhaps he/she could have a regular session with your son to try to reinforce the messages. Or perhaps someone from outside the school who has experience in this area would be helpful, especially where the school has religious affiliation and perhaps a different agenda from yours.

 

There's only so much a counsellor, a teacher, or his parents and tell him about how to handle friendships/relationships. Even gay adults in their 20's/30's grew up in a different time, and can only understand so much of what it's like to be an openly gay 12 year old in 2014.

He really, really needs to connect to other gay/bi 11/12/13/14 year olds to give him an idea of how other kids handle these situations and figure out for himself what is and isn't appropriate.

Obviously that's much easier said than done, but either EC, Pflag, or a local lgbt youth group are great places to start.

 

When I came out of the closet, my fathers first concern was that men were going to attack me. Sexually assault me, beat me, maybe even kill me. I understand, as a mother, why you want your son to be careful who he shares this information with.

My mother tells me to use "gaydar" (which I really don't have) before I hit on a girl to make sure that she isn't straight. But, even if I do accidentally hit on a straight girl, they have all found it flattering. But, who's to say that one day won't accidentally hit on the wrong girl who then gets her boyfriend to jump me.

I can tell you from experience that middle schoolers can be cruel. I was getting pushed around for being a "dyke" before I even came out of the closet. Just because I looked like I could make be gay. It sucks.

You can't exactly prevent your son from doing what he wants to do, just explain to him that there are people out there who aren't as loving and amazing as he is and he just needs to be careful.

 

Just sit down and have a talk with him. Just you and him. Tell him about all of this.
When I was first "exposed" to the LGBT community, this is how everyone explained it to me:
"There are people who love the opposite gender, and there are people who love the same gender. The people who love the same gender are no different that those who love the opposite. It's just that...not everyone loves the same gender. It's pretty rare, especially at elementary school. But in middle school, that's when children discover themselves and they they aren't very open about their feelings".

Just explain to him that it's amazing that he knows who he is at such a young age, but not everyone else does. They're still discovering themselves too. So maybe stay under the radar until maybe 8th or 9th grade?

Hope I helped! I wish you the best of luck! :newcolor:

 

I agree with ThePrideInside4. What made me want to come out was going into high school and meeting gay people who were older than me who were proud about who they are. In high school, people are just generally more accepting and secure about themselves and others.

 

To Slestell. I'm glad you are comfortable with your pastor and your school principal in regard to your son's sexuality. I grew up in the UCC, probably one of the most liberal Protestant denominations (ironic in that their roots go back to the Puritans). My cousins were brought up as Lutherans and I found their particular church to be dogmatic and judgmental. I know there are several different groups within the umbrella title of Lutheran and they have varying philosophies.
I basically walked away from religion at about the age of 10 or 11, which did not please my mother who was the Superintendent of the Sunday Schools!
Best wishes to you and your family.

 

Slestell -

I think you're doing a good job. Your gut is leading you in the right direction. As you realize, it's important to separate out his being gay from the actions he's engaging in.

First, it's a good thing that he wants to come out at such a young age. It's also a fantastic thing that he doesn't see anything wrong with it. It's important not to try and squash that or accidentally send the message of, "You need to hide your sexuality because some people might not like you." When instead he should be taught to love himself for who he is, be his authentic self, and not allow the perceptions or bigotry of others to influence his actions.

Second, this is entirely different from the situation dealing boundaries. These are two separate things, and it's important not to conflate them just because he happens to be gay. As Chip points out teens frequently have trouble setting appropriate boundaries at his age, but you also mentioned that he is diagnosed with ADHD. This is going to make it even harder for him to set appropriate boundaries. In fact, one of the reasons he's probably as out as he is right now, and doesn't feel that it's an issue at all is because he isn't paying attention to any of the social cues around him.

This only really becomes a problem when he does not understand "no means no and stop means stop." Once again, his issue with boundaries here likely stems from his ADHD and just being a normal kid around his age. However, trying to pressure someone into "dirty truth or dare" is obviously unacceptable behavior, and you need to deal with that in the same way you'd deal with it if he were trying to pressure a girl into it if he were straight. It's also best to talk to his therapist to get some ideas on how to handle this so you're both on the same page. I think that it's important to keep in the forefront of your mind that this might be something he struggles with as a result of his ADHD.

Finally, there is the issue of talking about being gay all the time. Without having actually spent time listening to him I'm not sure exactly how this is playing out. The reality is that straight people - especially straight teenagers - talk about being straight all the time. They're exploring their developing sexuality. It's new. It's interesting. It's exciting. It's normal.

Most of the time all the 'straightness' in our society is invisible. No one sees it. When a wife talks about her husband, for example, most people don't immediately think: "straight!" However, that's what she is doing - she's talking about her sexuality, letting everyone know implicitly that she's straight. When a gay person does it, because it's so uncommon, it becomes really obvious and people sometimes struggle to get past the "gay" part and instead understand what they're talking about is their relationship.

Your son is learning to navigate these situations. For example, he's with a group of friends who are talking about the girls or guys they like. He wants to join the conversation and talk about the guys he likes. What is he supposed to do in that situation if the straights feel uncomfortable? Remain silent? Not participate?

The truth of the matter is that it depends on the type of friends he has, and it's quite normal at his age to start to become "guy crazy" - just as an average straight teenage boy or girl would be crazy for the opposite sex.

Of course, there are lines and boundaries. The easiest way to find those lines and boundaries is to take a step back, and ask yourself: "What would I say to him if he were straight? Is this appropriate behavior if he was saying this about girls?"

When you take it out of the gay context, how you handle things should become rather clear. It's just a matter of making sure he understands it has nothing to do with him being gay, and everything to do with him growing up to be a responsible and respectful adult.