14 yr old son says he is gay

My son had a stressful month. He and I are very close he is my oldest.
Background: he has always preferred female friends over male. He had a few close male friends, but they tend to move. He never played competitive sports. He is super bright and high achieving. Gifted musician. In all sort of music classes and orchestras in and outside school. Seems quite happy. Very high achiever

He used to like girls when really little and always seemed attracted to blonde girls. He flirts. They flirt. He texts. They text. He enters middle school and when peers started dating he'd say "it's stupid. Not like I can drive and have money to take them out". He would go out more in groups. Mostly girls. At lunch, he'd sit w boys bc it would look bad (his words) although close to few girls. He's super popular. When I'd mention to teachers his not hanging w kids outside school, they'd look at me like I'm nuts. Happy kid. Bright. Male and female friends in school. - teachers response

We are a close family and spend lots of time doing things as a family. Traveling, dining, etc. He is super close to his brother. He'd comment about football "stupid sport. Throwing a ball and chasing each other". But he loves to fish, snowboard, ride bike. He's a dare devil. Loves thrill rides.

Since young, loved female musicians. The latest pop star cd has to be purchased. He'd teach self to play the songs.

Just last week, he was invited to boys party at the beach. He voiced he didn't want to go but kids asked him again when school started. He went with my coercing. (He said many kids couldn't go and idler badly for bday kid). Son was miserable and texted to come home after hour. When I arrivd he asked to stay and changed mind. Ended up staying until 10pm ridig bikes, swimming, playing man hunt. I saw a girl w him and two boys

Next morning he snuggles in bed w me. I tell him how proud I am of him. How much I love him and glad to see he enjoyed himself. He says "I was happy when X showed up. For some reason I'm more comfortable w girls". I threw out few reasons "they're more mature. Less drama among opposite sex. Are u gay?"
He responded "yes". I said "ur gay. How do u know?" And he said "I'm only attracted to boys" I asked when he started to think that and he said "4th grade". I hugged him and old
Him I love him and no matter what will love him and this isn't a huge shocker to me.

Hour later, we were alone. Husband and kids left. I asked "do u like boys and girls" and he said no. I told him "being gay is not easy. Ur going to have challenges but I will b there for u as I am sure dad will". He doesn't want dad to know. I told him "dad will accept u. I prepared him for possibility out children may chose sexual orientation different than ours and when or if u want him to know, I'll help u but he WILL be there for u too"
He told me "I thought telling u would make me feel better. But I feel
Worse." I explained that it's reality once verbalized.
He shared he told two girls at school (I checked his cell and read texts) so I told him "if u don't want ur peers to know, u need to protect urself. These girls
Could sell u out. If u want peers to know, that's ok too but be prepared mentally for a battle". He doesn't want to come out to peers. I advised him not to text this info (he's saying some boy is hot in class to these girls). He trusts them. They shared private stuff plus he told me "I finally have someone to talk to and be myself" I warned him of drama that these girls could create. He doesn't want to hear it

I looked online. He's been visitng websites in past related to music and where some have gay men dating men etc. On forums of radical musicians.

He's quiet. I talk w him more. He says at times he feels alone. Empty. I offer to arrange counseling and hate again how I have a counselor for growing up w alcholic parents. He agrees. I share I looked thru his phone. He know my rules. He is 14. Phone stays in office at nite and I will look tru on occasion. Hi remind to not share via text. I offer alternative. Call. Face time. Have hear two girls over. (Counselor set up for next week. I tell him counselor
Just for him to have safe place when thigs get overwhelming. How info in confidential and good outside view)

(I did tell my husband. I had to. First, bc I was not sure he'd react in a way that wouldn't damage my son. Plus, I need to let him know son feels lost and needs counselor. Husband has also made some anti gay comments in past). Husband and I went out for ride. I shared info. I told him if he ever does not support my son, I will choose my son and kick him out. He crieds and was great. Told me he'd remain silent and he now offers me suggestions like "we need to just love him and let him know we love him no matter what".
I told son we needed to tell dad he is feeling lost, but not use term "gay". Son and I sat w dad and shared that. Both son and dad cried, hugging each other. Dad shared his love and no matter what he feels or does, dad will live him"

Te next two days, son was clingy. Snuggling up to me and dad and siblings. He seems happy back in routine of school, etc.
Problem is, I bring anything up and son it's me off. He starts to almost have panic attack. So I told him "listen, I have a few things to say. One, ur you. U are not a label. U are u. Ur a kid. Be a kid. Do not worry so much about ur future. We do not need to discuss this. Just know I know and have ur back. When u want to discuss it, U bring it up. For now, the term is in a box and when u want to take it out and discuss w me, It's ur call. Life is challenging. Ur private feelings are
Ur private feelings. Mine are mine. But I am ur mom and will luv u thru every choice u make"

I can't keep bringing it up bc he doesn't want to talk about it. It's almost like he just wants me to know. I shared "I worry for u as u battle ahead". He took my hand and said "if I had another choice, I'd take the easy way out, mom. U know me. But don't u worry. I got this mom. It's not ur battle. I got this"

God I love that boy! Please tell me I'm handling this ok.

 

I've told my children since they were young "some boys like boys/girls/boys&girls".
I've asked along the way, "what do u like?" He always said girls.
I've shared stories of cousins son coming out gay when left for college and the grandparents are forcing Christ in life. We all conversed about this and how badly I feel for the boy and I'd never do that.

My kids know Their dad is awesome, but not as accepting but I've even made sure they knew I'd choose them over their dad. I've had open convos in molesting, rape, birth control. U name it. And my kids know I love and respect them and have their backs. You will never meet a closer family regarding being able to talk

He STILL waited to share this. Someone in another thread stated not to tell kids they should be one way or another. I NEVER did, it's society. And for that reason alone, I'd prefer my kid not be gay. Society is harsh

I'd prefer his life was easy from start to finish. Straight, healthy, good relationship, financially successful, happy. But life is life. And all those are not realistic expectations. Unfortunately, I can't put my boy in a bubble and protect him from hardships, but I'll love him thru his battles. I'm his mommy and I'll love him without conditions.

 

SimpleTim. Thank you. Great explanation. I agree, who wants to share any info regarding sexual desires with their parents. Yuck

This boy is amazing. He was born with a look in his eye like he could take on the world. I old my husband, if anyone can handle the pressures of society, it's this kid. He's right, he does "got this". I don't doubt he will be successful. Who he has an intimate relationship w is his decision. Not mine.

---------- Post added 7th Sep 2014 at 02:38 PM ----------

I spoke with the counselor who has experience w this. I explained I want someone to listen to and somewhat guide him. I do not want him pushed to come out or to stay hidden. I want him to do what he wants to do.
I explained I am arranging counseling so a relationship can develop and as he gets older and hits more challenges, I want him to have a safe place. A place without judgement. I want him to verbalize his fears, which he has to me just about life, but when comfortable, about his sexuality.

We are using it as a night out each week at his fav restaurant, just he and I.

He's hard on himself, in that he pushes for perfect grades, advanced groups in orchestra, etc. I need him to have a safe place as high school behind and he may nt achieve all he expects to.


Thanks. I'm glad I found this board and can seek advice from those who have experience.

 

I've been just laying low with it and waiting for him to discuss if he wants to. I just want to do the right thing as I have read how impt it is to have open lines of communication w your child who comes out.
I'm realizing that means open lines when he opens them, not me.

 

I don't really have questions. That's not y I want to communicate w him. But what I'm reading says the OUT person wants to talk about it, so I'm trying to reassure him it's all good.

I've stepped back. Letting him have some space. Not bringing it up or alluding to it. I'm focusing on making sure he seems happy (as much as a teen boy could b) and focusing in kid stuff.