Parent Discovery

As I see it you have two options, either you let him know that you found out by reading his phone, and maybe explain the circumstances as to why you did so, OR you wait until he is ready to come out to you. Forcing him to come out before he's ready could be really tough for him so my suggestion would be to wait and see.

 

I would just wait, and show your support of the gay rights when it comes up on the news, etc.

 

I'd say just tell him everything you told us here, and make sure your husband is there too.

Glad to see you're supportive too. You sound like a great mum.

 

Maybe try to hint how supportive you are in other means? If he trusts you enough to open up, be honest.

 

As someone who was forced out by a parent myself, I would advise waiting for him to come to you in his own time. When my mom decided to mention that she found this site in the browser history, it was not a pleasant experience. It was horribly awkward and uncomfortable, and it was not something I was ready to deal with at that time. So I can say that it would likely be the same for him. If someone's not ready to come out, it can be a very bad experience and can potentially make the situation worse. Unless you have a very pressing need to mention it to him right away (e.g., you think it might be pushing him to do bad things, like self-harm or drugs, or you think he might have a secret partner, etc.), I would advise not bringing it up and letting him make the first move. Like I said, I've been on the receiving end of that, and it's really not pleasant.

 

hmmm. I never thought about this from a parents point of view. I can see your dilemma. Because you love and support him sounds like you are on the right track and what ever you decide that should be your biggest message. After reading Scotty's message though I could understand how uncomfortable it would be for him to be confronted if he isn't ready. I still have minor breakdowns when I come out.

An option would be to write him a letter. Letting him know the circumstances of how you came out, that you and your husband love him/support him and that you will wait till he is ready to talk about it. Also would want to mention that you won't say anything to anyone until he talks to you about it.

The other option is to say nothing. It is possible to tell people things without actually saying. Just make it very clear how supportive you are of gay people. How you are against any homophobia, watch tv/movies that have lgbt in them. It will become obvious to him that you know and you will most likely be supportive.

The good news in this situation is you can take this time to deal with your own emotions and feelings that your son is gay. Make sure you and your husband do look after yourselves as well and not just worry about your son.

 

I agree with E11mum and Resu.

I think what's important to understand here is that coming out is more difficult than simply telling someone the truth. It involves moving toward a place of self-acceptance. It's obvious that he knows and realizes that he is gay, but at the same time he may not be comfortable with it. There isn't a lot you can do there to help him, aside from letting him know that you love and support him. This is really something only he can work out for himself, and he may be completely uncomfortable talking about it with you.

Forcing someone out of the closet before they're ready is usually very problematic. However, in a few circumstances it may be necessary. For example, you suspect that he may be suffering from depression, he may be suicidal, or that he may be using drugs to self-medicate his emotions. These are all signs that he's really struggling with his sexuality, and that forcing him out may be the least of two evils. Even in that circumstance I think it would be necessary to do it carefully with the guidance of an LGBT supportive and knowledgeable therapist.

One of the things you can do to make things easier for him is to look for opportunities in daily life to affirm your support for LGBT people. Each time you do that it makes it easier for him to open up about the issue, because you bring it up first. It also makes it easier for him to be truthful with you because some of the fears he no doubt has are being challenged, and hopefully knocked down by your supportive words. He's obviously thinking about it. Doing this and giving him time - he will open up to you sooner rather than later.

In the meantime, my advice to you is to take this opportunity to sort through your own emotions on the matter. Most parents, even really LGBT friendly parents, struggle to some degree with first accepting their child as gay. It's a shift in perspective. You've suddenly learned something about them that you didn't previously know. You spent their entire life assuming that they were straight, and along with that assumption came a whole list of other assumptions about their future. Well, now that you know that he's gay there will likely be an adjustment period where you're trying to get used to the idea.

One of the biggest things you can do for him is to hurry yourself along this adjustment period. This way when he comes out he doesn't have to contend with any conflicting emotions on your end, and what he'll receive is your 100% love and support.

The good news here is that you won't be taken by surprise. When he's finally able to come out you have the ability to handle it perfectly, and to say and do the things that every gay kid wants their parents to say and do.

 

Hi TodaysMom

I agree with those that say to wait. I know that you regret what you did, but please don't make it worse by yanking open the closet door. It sounds like he is on the right path. He has come out to at least one person and he will tell you when HE is ready. I remember that telling your parents that you are gay is the most terrifying, which is why most people will tell trusted people outside of the family first.
Just make the right noises on LGBT issues but don't make it too obvious!
You don't say how old your son is, but I was 17 when I first told someone, and 20 when I told my parents. But that was in the dark ages!

 

Hi TodaysMom

First off I think you sound like a great parent from your post and it's very clear that you really care about your child. As someone who is struggling to come out to parents himself I would recommend that you do what has been said before: support LGBT rights when its on in the news, watch things with LGBT people in it. I'd suggest trying to possibly have a conversation when you see an LGBT news story or something about how you support gay people and ask what your son's views are. End the conversation with "and you know that if you ever need anything you can come to us and we'll still love you." I have never heard my parents say anything supportive about LGBT people and I really don't know what would happen if I told them. Letting your child know that you will love him no matter what is important and will help him feel comforted.

And while letting your child know that you would love him if/when he does come out you is important, it is also important to not put him in a situation where he is forced to come out to you. As said before coming out is more than just telling people, it is about coming to terms with it yourself and making sure you know what you are. This process can take years, I know I'm still somewhat in this stage myself.

Finally, if you truly suspect that your son may be depressed or hurting himself (not that I'm suggesting he is) make sure you do talk to him.

Good luck! Your son is lucky to have parents like you!

 

Reading through everyone else's posts, I have to agree with what they're saying about making a point to be supportive without outright saying it. Just within my own family, where I am out to my mom (not by choice, remember) but not to my dad, I notice how they react to LGBTQ-related things. They were never overly supportive in the past, which is part of the reason why I did not want to come out to them until there was a need to do so (e.g., I wanted to bring home a boyfriend). If they had been more openly supportive in the past, I would have been more likely to bring it up earlier rather than later. My mom even said that she kind of suspected because of my strong support of LGBTQ rights and the way I reacted whenever people brought it up in a negative way, but she never made any real signs of support.

For instance, just the other day I was talking about homecoming with my mom. We were discussing who might make it on court, since part of my English class voted me as a joke (I hate being the center of attention at a social gathering; I'm very awkward.), and of course she asked if I was going to ask anyone and started naming girls I could ask. In an attempt to change the subject, I said, "George might make it as well" (George being another guy nominated for court). Well, my dad took that in context and didn't realize I'd changed subjects, and said, "You'd better not be taking him as a date."

Things like that are things that really put a damper on a child's willingness to open up to parents. So just make sure that you and your husband do watch what you say around him and avoid anything that could be taken as anti-gay, because that will only make him feel worse.

I don't think you'll intentionally do anything that will have a negative effect on him. From what I've seen here, you seem like a very loving, supportive mother and your husband seems like a good father as well. I don't think you'll intentionally do anything to make it harder on him than it already is; it's the unintentional things, the things you don't think of, that you have to focus on. I firmly believe that a child is always watching their parents, and that the actions of the parents have an impact on how that child views things whether the parent realizes it or not. This is especially true when it's directly related to how that child feels, such as when he's struggling to accept a gay identity and come out to his parents. Remember, I'm speaking from personal experience here, so every case will be different. But I think you'll make the right choice, whatever it may be