My son is gay but doesnt know that I know

Hi, and welcome. I'm so glad you posted, and I have to say that it's clear you care very deeply.

As for the decision to approach him... you can't really change it, so I don't think there's much value in beating yourself up over whether or not it was a correct choice. The piece that is often difficult for parents to understand is teens who are just beginning to understand their sexuality, and topics like masturbation and orgasm, are usually beyond mortified at their parents even acknowledging that such things even exist. So when your kid is gay, you're indirectly acknowledging that he's been thinking about sex and, likely, watching porn/masturbating/etc... which is still for many kids sort of shameful.

You are pretty much keeping your promise to him, because EC is (when properly used) completely anonymized. We don't know who you are, or who he is. But you're discussing something that you *need* to discuss, and that's a good thing, both for you and, ultimately, for him.

One of my suggestions would be to give him space. Let him know that you won't bring it up, or talk about it unless he brings something up he wants to discusss. That's really hard... but it is part of being a parent with good boundaries, which is really important to his growing up and learning healthy boundaries.

You can also point him here. EC (not to toot our own horn) is a pretty awesome resource where he'll be safer than just about anywhere else on the internet, he'll receive good, sensible advice, and where he can feel comfortable sharing whatever. We can edit your post to remove anything remotely identifying (such as his age) so he won't know you posted.

And finally, I hope you'll stick around. You can both learn and likely be really helpful to the community because you bring a pretty unusual perspective; I don't think we have many lesbian parents with teen or older children on EC, and so having your insight could be really helpful to some of our members.

Please continue to share and talk and ask questions about anything that would be helpful to you.

 

As far as suggesting EC to him, you might just send him an email and say "Hey, I came across this link, there are a lot of gay teens here talking about their concerns. Maybe you'll find something helpful there."

If you communicate with him via facebook or email (obviously Facebook PM, not wall message!) , then this is a natural and low-impact way to communicate it that he doesn't have to respond to or even acknowledge. Of course, if you never talk to him that way, it would be a little weird and telling him or writing a note might be better.