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Is my 12 yr old son gay?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Jalsmom, Sep 21, 2014.

  1. Jalsmom

    Jalsmom Guest

    My husband and I just found "how to masturbate" links as well as links to men with each other, men's health link to building muscle, but nothing with or about girls. My husband is convinced he is gay. My first thought was he is just curious about his own body and masturbating. Yesterday he was my little boy, not at all interested in girls, just video games. Now he's entering puberty, but I'm scared to death he's going to have a painful, scary road ahead of him. His father and I will support him 110% whether he is gay or straight, but I feel the need to know if he thinks he's gay or is questioning that for himself so that I can be there to help him thru his feelings and struggles. Thus far, we have only spoken to him about the dangers of going to adult websites and opened the door of communication about puberty in general. Told him that he has not done anything wrong and that every kid goes through this curiosity and awakening of their sexual feelings. We have removed access to the Internet in the privacy of his room or anywhere that cannot be monitored by us at all times. So aside from protecting him from access to sexual predators, I don't know what else to do. He was very tight lipped in our discussion with him about porn and puberty, so if he is questioning or knows his sexuality, I know he won't tell us if we bring it up. Removing the tool of private use of the Internet takes away any window to see further what his interests are. Does looking at naked men and no women seem to be a pretty clear sign he is gay? Is it possible this is all about his own body and finding out about masturbating? He has his yearly checkup with his doctor coming up? Should I discuss any of this with his doctor?
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    I think it would be making a bit of a leap to conclude that he is gay at this stage. It's possible, of course, but it could simply be curiousity.

    It's great that you and your husband/partner are willing to support him no matter what. If it transpires that he is gay (or bisexual) he will need and very much appreciate that support. Please try to make him aware that you are so minded, without making it obvious that you have seen his browsing history. Trust me, he will come out to you sooner (if he is gay/bi) knowing you are both supportive.

    Personally, I wouldn't say anything to his Doctor, simply because there is nothing significant to tell. It's not a medical issue.

    Thanks for posting. We know lots of parents view this forum and it does help to read and share experiences.
     
  3. He may or may not be gay. Perhaps he doesn't know? Perhaps he's attracted to guys, but doesn't in a million years equate that with being *gay*. Who knows?

    If you feel like you *need* to know, then you can't pry it out of him. You need to work on creating an environment where he can open up to you and trust you completely. That might mean allowing him to talk to you without you telling his *secret* to his father - or vice versa. I know that's hard, but whatever his sexuality is - it's his gift to the world and it's imperative that he feels like he has control over who knows.

    Often parents are the last to know, even if they are completely supportive. I'm afraid that's just the way it is.
     
  4. mangotree

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    I think when I was growing up, if my parents had of shown acceptance of the LGBT* community in some way, then becoming comfortable with my sexuality would have been quicker and easier.

    e.g. Reacting openly and positively when you see something on TV about gay pride, marriage equality, gay celebrities etc...

    or - Talking openly and positively about any LGBT friends or work colleagues you and your husband have (if any).

    Just in general conversation with each other, and if your boy is within hearing distance - even better.

    If he's not gay, it won't hurt him to know that his parents are accepting.
    And if he is gay, being certain that his parents are accepting will make it easier for him to come to you when he's ready.
    Win/Win :slight_smile:

    Peace! (*hug*)
     
  5. Will2M

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    12 is about the time where I started questioning. But just going off what you provided it is hard to tell if he is at that stage or simply hitting puberty. Either way if you support him it should not matter. What everyone has said above me is great.

    I am not a parent but I can't resist saying something about you cutting off his private internet access. Part of the way he will find himself and explore puberty/his sexuality is being able to use the internet in private. He would never be able to find a site like this with you constantly peering over his shoulder, he would never go to it in the first place! Of course there is the "risk" he uses porn sites but let's be honest, he is probably masturbating anyway and if you inform him of unrealistic standards of pornography it may as well help him find himself. If you personally have an issue with porn sites (immoral, etc.) then you can block them but I really strongly believe he should have access to the internet outside of your monitoring because it will help him explore sexuality and puberty without feeling shamed or embarrassed. In this day and age no one asks their parents questions about things they don't know, they ask the internet.

    Just my two cents.
     
  6. Chip

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    You're in a tough spot.

    Cutting off his internet access won't keep him from looking at porn or other unsavory material, it will just have him doing it at a friend's house, or on his phone, or somewhere else. Yet, allowing him access does also open up the very real possibility of him finding predators and getting suckered into doing things he shouldn't.

    At the same time, I think most 12 year olds would probably choose having a root canal without painkillers over talking with their parents about masturbation and the related topics of sexual attraction and orientation.

    My educated guess is that if you are finding pages of guys, mens muscles, porn with guys, and absolutely no pics or sites or pages involving girls... He is probably gay. He may not realize it yet, still be in denial, or just coming to terms with it, but my guess is that's the case.

    Unfortunately, you can't really do anything for him at this poi t other than to be pen and supportive, which it sounds like you are already doing. Give him space and let him know you are there to talk any time he is ready, and give it time. That's my best advice.
     
  7. Jwis

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    First of all thanks for coming here and asking for advice, it shows that you truly do care.

    As others have said I would never directly go and ask him if he is gay. I just don't think that has a high chance of working. It would likely do the opposite and scare him. 11/12 is about the age that I started to question as well. While I wouldn't have said I was gay at the time, I knew that I was not like my friends.

    I understand the issue with the internet as well. But I'll be blunt here, you are not going to prevent his access to viewing bad material if he wants to. If there is a will there is a way. What I could see you prevent is access to a website like this. I know that If I had a resource like this when I was younger it would have been a godsend.

    You should be open with him about your view about LGBT topics, you don't have to be blunt about it, but just make a passing comment. If you see something homophobic on tv, show your disdain to it.

    It was also said that parents are often some of the last to know, even if they were supportive, and I think there is some truth to this. My parents were some of the last people to know - even though they were fine with it. You have no idea how difficult it is to deal with this issues as a child (not trying to be rude there, just being blunt).

    The best thing you can do is to love your child - be there for him when he is ready. It has to be hard for a parent too, but it's something that he has to do on his own and in his own time.
     
  8. EpicConfusion

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    Honestly I agree with this, although I understand your concern as parents.
     
  9. WannaBeMe

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    The internet access thing might be going a little too far. You could maybe find a firewall that blocks the bad stuff but still lets him learn about what he is going through.

    eg. porn (bad)

    eg. sites similar to this (good)
     
  10. EpicConfusion

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    This is good advice. There's plenty of time for porn when he's older, and you should protect him from it while he's young.
     
  11. Fallingdown7

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    it's possible but It's hard to tell. Porn doesn't really say much about your sexuality. This is way more common in women though (It's very common for women to like same-sex porn involving the gender they are not attracted to), but it can happen with guys too. Some straight men like looking at gay or solo male porn just because it feels new and exciting. If he is gay, I wouldn't bring up the porn (as it will be embarrassing) but let him come to you.
     
  12. shinji

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    Just fyi, haven't bothered reading the comments, just the OP.

    Just don't do anything, you've kind of done more than you should already...

    I get the distinct feeling that you want to "know"... just for the sake of "knowing" and not so as to protect your son. Yeah, internet is dangerous and blah blah blah... Let him discover who he is on his own. When and if he's ready, he'll come to you, or at the very least he's start giving off hints.

    For now, just stop being so pushy and invading his privacy.
     
  13. YaraNunchuck

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    I agree with Shinji. You just frantically want to know, even though a developing awareness of sexuality can be a long and winding road for teenagers. You say you'd be supportive, and that's great; but your behaviour indicates a deep anxiety over the subject of homosexuality. If it were searches for straight material, would you be so concerned? Would you be thinking of mentioning this to his doctor? I don't think so. You say you're ok with it, but there are I would guess some more negative feelings there too.

    Your husband also shows signs of this. He is 'convinced' his son is gay. Well, it's not really for anyone else to declare or divine a person's sexuality. I can't help but feel that being 'convinced' is his way of 'biting the bullet', of tearing the band-aid off quickly as it were, getting over the 'trauma' of having an LGBT child over and done with. If so that attitude does need some reflecting on.

    As for internet restriction, you're being way too controlling. In my view teenagers do need space to explore their sexuality; even if you think that porn is bad, at least just put a filter on and stop monitoring his access. It's too intrusive to know about every masturbation site he's visited.
     
  14. Jalsmom

    Jalsmom Guest

    Shinji and YaraNunChuck....as a parent, you're damn right I'm anxious to know if my child is gay and faces stupid people treating him differently and passing judgement on him! As a mother, I feel the extreme need to protect my son and make sure he knows I have his back so that he doesn't feel lonely or the need to hide who he is if he does come to the realization he is gay. This is not about MY feelings, it's about HIS and how I can help him sort through them. You have to be a parent to understand that, I guess. So don't place judgement on me for wanting to know if my son may be gay. And, yes, I can assure you that the same anxiety would be present had I found him looking at straight porn. However, it does take it to another level of fear for my child when he could be looking at a future of society rejecting him. DUH! As for saying anything to his doctor, that would be for the sole purpose of someone for him to ask questions and confide in were he too nervous to discuss his feelings with his father and I. I read where the parents are most times the last to know and there's a confidential level of trust with a doctor. Thank you, to everyone else, for taking the time to offer your advice.
     
  15. Kriskluwe

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    Uh , ma'am, I read your post yesterday and was gonna say something but either felt too close to the situation to comment or the fear of being judged as well. Today however, I'm in a right rowdy mood so I'm going to comment . I hope it doesn't offend you as I'm not a parent either. I'd like to point out that's due, in a large part , to my moms constant safer sex education " moments " from the time we were 11 ;and then trips to planned parenthood, or to her place of work . She's a physician . I'm not going to doubt your sincerity in stating the porn wouldn't have mattered , gay or straight . I come at all this from being blindsided myself in that respect so... I feel ya ! What did "hit" me yesterday was the mention of speaking to his physician . I'm going to assume that's his pediatrician . When I read that I was creeped out . Yes, that should be a resource for any concerns you may have and possibly , in your unique situation , he feels safe and open enough to talk to this person . I have my doubts about that actually being a cool environment for him to ask questions . I've seen physicians since I was a kid on a way too regular basis for sports physicals and regular check ups and , ye, my moms colleagues . There is not one of them I can think of that I would feel comfortable with talking about porn, fapping or my sexuality , especially at 12 years old . I became sexually active at 15 so myself and the girl I was with at the time went to where we needed to go. At no time did it occur to me to speak to my pediatrician , trust me ! I was already armed with knowledge anyway thanks to my mom. I guess what I'm trying to say is i think the last thing you want to do at this point is alienate him. Try and let him feel stuff out without a direct confrontation with someone who , ultimately , he sees as another adult figure who has the right to inquire into his life ;possibly with information that you have given him ,even with the best of intentions on your part . Maybe try the more subtle approach of materials and another? general " sex" talk "just in case " so he knows the lines are open and can feel comfortable with an : " aw, mom " acknowledgement .
    This is just my take on it and I definitely mean no intrusion into your parenting skills .
     
    #15 Kriskluwe, Sep 25, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2014
  16. YaraNunchuck

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    Fair point. But if there are things that only a parent can understand, then there are similarly things that only other gay people can understand. Nobody here, I think, will say that it would have been helpful to talk to their parents about the nature of their sexual desires; no one will say it would have been helpful to have intrusive parents who cut them off from an important source of information about sex, viz. the internet.

    Not all parental instincts are right. My mother was overprotective. That was instinctual, but also harmful. Your urge may be to know. You are not LGBT, and perhaps because of this your understanding cannot be a substitute for the conclusions drawn from your son's own exploration. He must develop in his own time and on his own terms. A teenager's exploration of his sexuality must be done in private. It is a private matter. This goes even more for gay kids. Embarrassment is the last thing you want to inflict on your child.

    Micromanaging this, trying to find out your son's sexuality; all of this is counterproductive. It sends the message to your son that homosexuality needs special measures and heightened attention; it sends the message that you are anxious about him being gay. What you should do is play a supportive role: show your support for LGBT causes, do not use heteronormative language, and be ready to fight for your son if and when issues such as bullying arise. But do not pre-emptively fret at how he will be treated by others - that, again, displays excess negativity in the topic of gayness that your son can do without. Try to play backup. I can imagine how difficult it is to hang back as a concerned parent, but it is essential.

    Finally, I'd just like to reiterate Linco's point that this is not a medical matter. Most teenage boys in the Western world use porn and masturbate: not medical. Many question their sexuality: not medical. It is highly unlikely that a doctor would provide the kind of support that is desirable right now, not is it plausible that your son would be comfortable discussing this stuff with him/her. It is surprising and little bit concerning that you were thinking along these lines, but I can imagine all this has been a shock to you and you're trying to do your best.
     
    #16 YaraNunchuck, Sep 26, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2014
  17. Jalsmom

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    SO regretting coming here for advice. Of all places, you would think this one would be free of judgement. I don't need your opinion on how to parent my child, YaraNunChuck. And for the record, porn of any kind is FAR from a good source of information, especially for a very naive 12 year old. The internet can be just as harmful, if not more so, for an immature mind than a source of good information to be explored privately while jacking off. Point being, not a necessary tool. His "tool" alone is sufficient enough. There's a reason pornography is rated for adults only. And how about the under age porn that popped up in his searching? That's illegal and could cause some pretty significant problems for his father and I! More parents in today's world should be as "overprotective" as we are, aka, involved and aware of what outside influences their kids are exposed to. Your job as a parent is solely to love and protect. That's what I'm doing. I don't give a crap what anybody thinks about me restricting his private use of the internet at the tender age of 12! And you show me one parent or one gay person who does not "pre-emptively fret", as you put it, about how they will be treated. Seriously? And him asking his doctor questions about his maturing body would be entirely up to him, not something I would have his doctor bring up for discussion. So I'm not sure what everybody is freaking out about as far as that goes. At his age the doctor visits become a private thing between he and his doctor. Sex is something that some people actually do discuss with their doctor. If this is the kind of advice that gay children are finding on this forum, that is just very wrong. I had hoped to direct my son here in the event he ever came to me about any of this. Just like everywhere else on the internet, this forum is open to everyone's self righteous feeling to place judgment on others just seeking unbiased advice. You need to check yourself before imposing your judgement on others. I feel like I'm in front of the firing squad for wanting to make myself available to my son and guide him towards resources he is mature enough to handle.
     
  18. Leader233

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    First saying he might be gay completely steps over the prospect he is 1 just a typical hormonal horny teen who finds sexual things arousing. 2. He may be Bisexual and finds boys and girls interesting and lastly he might be gay. Still to soon to jump to a final conclusion.. Give him time to explore and see where his orientation really lies.
     
  19. E11mum

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    Well I am both a parent AND LGBT and I can say that I think cutting off his internet access is a complete overreaction. If you're worried about sexual predators then have a sensible discussion with him about how people are not always what they seem on the internet and not to give out personal details to people,he doesn't know - that kind of sensible basic advice is the best way to protect him. My daughter is 11 and she has unrestricted Internet access because I know that my relationship with her is such that if something is worrying her she will come to me and talk about it.

    The best thing you can do IMO is to sit back and let him come to you in his own time. If you push him to come out to you before he is ready that's going to be really painful and difficult for him because he needs to come to terms with his sexuality in his own way before he can come out. He's growing up and that means you're not always the centre of his world - and much as you love him it's right and proper for things to be that way as he develops into an independent adult.
     
  20. BradThePug

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    Jalesmom, I myself am not a parent. But, I feel like you are punishing your child for discovering who they are. You don't want to suppress that process. If you are not ok with your clild looking at porn, there are filters that you can install. Taking the internet entirely away is going to accomplish nothing in the long run.

    With all due respect, it seems like you have things figured out, so why are you seeking advice to begin with? I think that you need to take a good hard look at what you are doing, and why you are doing it. That includes some of your posts in this thread claiming that we are saying that you are a bad parent. We are not saying that. Many of us here are trying to help you because we have been in this awkward spot, but on the opposite side of it as you.

    In the end though, it is your decision if you brush off the advice we are offering as bad parenting or if you listen, process and make decisions from there. We hope that you at least take into account what we are saying.