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SO Just Came Out To Me

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Patch089, Sep 21, 2014.

  1. Patch089

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    I'm a straight cis female, hope people don't mind me posting here. My SO of ≈4 years who I live with came out to me as bi-gender a few days ago. They say they love being a straight male most of the time, and has days where they identify as female. I'm so thrilled they've come out to me, and am really looking forward to learning more about my partner and being able to talk openly about something that's been a secret for so long.

    I feel really bad about how I initially reacted. There was a lot of crying. The day after they told me I had a whole day to myself while they were at work. I was able to do lots of reading and get my thoughts and feelings together. I realized that I'm extremely excited. Whatever negative, selfish thoughts crossed my mind in those first 24 hours suddenly seemed silly and unimportant, because we'll be able to talk about things now. Together. We've always made a great team, and I'm really looking forward to this new part of our relationship. We've had a couple of conversations about it since and it's gone really well.

    I'm hoping to get some suggestions from folks on what I can do to let my partner know I'm on board. When you came out, what were things people close to you said or did that felt really supportive? Anything you wish someone had said/done? Did anybody trying to be supportive say or do something unintentionally hurtful?

    I'm worried about overwhelming my partner with questions. Talking about it is something totally new for them.

    Thanks for reading through my novel :slight_smile:
     
  2. AsheTheHuman

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    Everything I said in your welcome thread still applies, but I'd like to add something. While they might not want a barrage of questions, I'm sure they wouldn't mind one or two here or there. They may actually really want to talk about it as well, but are afraid they're going to overload you. Come up with a few questions- maybe even write them down- and ask them if they'd mind. If not, then go for it. If so, throw out a question every so often or even just when it becomes applicable. Good luck~
     
  3. Patch089

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    Thanks for the suggestions! I'm working on bringing up my thoughts and questions casually into the everyday conversations we have. I feel like it's more stressful and anxiety-inducing for both of us if it's framed as a "let's sit and have a big serious talk about this." Right now talking about it is new for both of us and feels like a big deal. I want it to become normal and not a big deal to discuss casually
     
  4. Feijoa

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    Firstly, however you approach conversations, I get the feeling you will both be a-okay :slight_smile: Just from how you spent the day after and seem super excited, I think that is perhaps the most supportive thing you could have ever done.

    Now this may sound silly, but how about you both write a question each on slips of paper (maybe have like 3, or 4 each) and stick them in a hat, and take turns to pull a slip out. It'll be obvious who's asked which question so it would be the person asking or answering when they pull a question out of the hat, but it could make it a little less intimidating. You could always throw in a fun question - or something to share about your relationship together so far; or an affirmation of love, or a quality you like about them, so not every slip of paper is a "serious business question". Because this is still something loving and part of you both.

    Take your time from that, but it could help to break the barrage of questions at first.
     
  5. EleanorHunter

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    I'd say just be open and supportive. You don't have to sit down and have a serious conversation if you're completely okay with your SO's gender. If you're curious about something, then just ask. Let them know that your questions aren't to make them embarrassed, but to better understand and know how you can treat them better. Don't worry about asking everything in one day, just every now and then when a question pops into your mind, and if they don't already have other things on their mind (i.e. bad day at work, sick with a wicked headache, etc.) You two have been together for four years, so you'll probably know better than anyone when an appropriate time to ask would be. Also, I'm sure you'll be able to tell when they want to talk about something more seriously or more casually. Just pay attention to their reactions, or even ask them if they want you to be cool about it.

    Also, I salute how amazingly and quickly you accepted to your SO. It takes most people more than 24 hours to wrap their heads around the idea of different sexualities and genders, so the fact you had accepted them in that time is super awesome. :thumbsup:
     
  6. Patch089

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    Feijoa I absolutely love this idea. It sounds like a fun way to take the pressure off of something that's still kind of big and scary to me. Will definitely give it a shot. Thanks for the suggestion!:icon_bigg

     
  7. Feijoa

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    No worries :slight_smile: Personally I think if you can make some of the more daunting conversations, or topics a little less so by adding in something playful or speaks to the both of you, then why not right?
     
  8. Awesome_trans_girl13

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    just one question what/who is a SO
     
  9. AsheTheHuman

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    Significant Other.