I am worried

Don't beat yourself up Kayte. This is always hard to navigate.

First, I would say that you should avoid speaking to him in moments of anger, frustration, or fear. You want to be at a sort of neutral emotional position, where you can listen, and discuss the issue without having your personal feelings get in the way. It is a very sensitive issue for him, obviously, and it is embarrassing for most teens to have this conversation with their parents. This makes it very easy for him to be shamed by it, and you want to avoid any situation where he feels ashamed of his actions.

Second, it is important for both you and him to realize that his curiosity and desires are normal. There is nothing wrong with them. What you have are concerns about his safety and well being.

Third, focus your attention on the safety concerns, and not the actions themselves. Imagine that you had an annoying kid standing there asking you "Why?" over and over. So, if you are telling him not to do something, you should be able to actually answer WHY he should not do it. When you understand the "why" behind your decisions and reasoning you can discuss that with him, so you suddenly do not find yourself in a situation where you are telling him to do something but are not resorting to: "Because I told you so." I've been there, done that, and unfortunately it is hard to get buy in with "Because I told you so." That type of conversation will normally escalate with you making threats if he does not follow your rules, and at that point you are derailing yourself and making your life more difficult. It just means he has to become more sneaky and clever to avoid getting caught. You want an honest relationship with him, and you want him to do what you are asking. For that to work, you need him to buy into your reasoning. This means you actually need good reasons that he can understand.

Fourth, if you have not had an open (and hopefully on going) discussion about sex and sexuality, now would be the good time to have it. The talk of course, is not a single conversation, but an ongoing discussion.

Fifth, you have to think of a way to create a space for him to explore his sexuality in a safe manner. I do not think you will have a problem with this, but a big mistake a lot of parents make is trying to shut down sexuality all together. The fact of the matter is, developing sexual feelings and developing the desire to express them is part of growing up and becoming an adult. Your role as a parent is to facilitate that to happen in a safe and responsible way that prevents him from putting himself in danger or making a mistake that he will regret.

Hopefully these general tips helped.

 

hi Kayte, my kids are a bit younger than yours and I have not yet faced your dilemma. I will try and give you some feedback anyhow, I feel for you as a parent trying to do the right thing – and you are as far as I can see 

To start with, in your post much of your concern seems to spur from the fact that your son is curious (?I). I find curiosity an intrinsically positive attribute of human nature, not something you would want to discourage in your son but rather instil in him some sense of cautiousness and awareness of danger (not just linked to sexual matters). Being curious does not mean living dangerously nor being gullible… one can be curious and have a high level of discernment.

You are right that in dealing with this situation, you do not want to give your son the impression that you are ashamed of him being gay. But I do not think this should be a major worry for you given that you are lesbian yourself - unless your son is privy to some details from your own journey that has to do with feelings of shame, rejection etc. that he will project onto and will influence his own journey of discovery.

So I suggest you approach this situation simply from the point of view of a parent concerned with her child accessing inappropriate web content. In which case, first focus for you would be to ensure that your son has a good understanding of safety and/or risks in the wild world of www/smartphones etc. From what I have read, including here on EC, and from what I know from acquaintances with older kids, removing access to internet is not the solution as it impacts on many aspects of their development and growth as a person (a lost battle anyway given access to technology these days) - hence this focus on using internet safely!

There is a tremendous amount of useful information on the internet for teenagers to help them explore, grow and turned into the rounded persons most of them are. Have you seen some of the comments here on EC from teenagers – I am in awe at their thoughtfulness and wisdom! You really don’t want to limit internet unnecessarily.

As for safety focus, you can do this by having the classic&dreaded talks, you can watch some of the good movies out there on this topic as a family, share stories (good and bad)… keep this continuously at the front of his mind.

Other option is to try and limit (note I say LIMIT not remove) internet access (how old is your son, by the way?) – but this depends much on the existing rules and set up in your home. If your son has had unlimited access to internet, has a computer in his room/ipad/smartphone, this won’t work as it will send the wrong message (gay is bad) and I would focus on safety first and foremost. If this is not the case, then putting the computer in a common area of the house may be a solution of some sorts – he will be cautious what he is browsing since there is a higher risk of others seeing what he does.

All in all, I think you simply worry as all mothers tend to do – but from what you shared in this and previous post (I had a peak at your initial one too), I personally do not see much reasons to worry. Rather I would use my energy in making sure that communication channels are open, and your son will feel confident in coming to speak to you when he is ready. Be prepared though that this might take awhile given that you confronted him about being gay before he was ready to come out. But at least you know that he talks to others about being gay, he has accepted this. This is a relief, don't you think?!

Good-luck and stay positive, you are doing the right thing.

 

this is very good post

 

yeah this is a good post. Whilst not having kids myself, I agree that you need to separate sexuality and curiosity with accessing age inappropriate material. I wouldn't treat them any differently due to sexuality. But when it comes to your son trying to discover himself, I am sure there are educational sites which are going to educate your son. I am sure others here will be able to point you in that direction. Also is he out and certain about his sexuality? if so could he be encouraged to go to a LGBT group etc and meet real people to talk to?

 

When I was younger, I did the same thing, and I turned out just fine! As long as your son is being SAFE about what he is doing online, then let him be. Just make sure no harm or danger is coming to him. Being that he is identifying as gay means nothing in this particular question. This is just simple research and experimentation. Don't stress, he is okay. ♥

 

Hi Kayte! You're right about porn being pretty universal with teenage boys. I walked in on my son in a similar situation. he's straight and was looking at straight porn, but it is the same thing. I love him more than life itself, and the last thing that I wanted to do was to humiliate him, scold him, or make him feel worse than he already did. There was no way that I could feel mad at him. I could tell that he was so embarrassed. I just sat down, and talked to him about how addictive porn can be, especially for a young brain, and how it can really give us a distorted view of sexuality. I don't know if that made any lasting difference, but I don't think that he was or is a porn addict. I think that he got past his embarrassment. And there is no way that I could have handled it but with gentleness and love, which is how I have always treated him. It sounds like you feel the same way about your son. good luck, mom!

 

From the perspective of the child, I'd say have a safety conversation like has been suggested.

My parents never gave me "The Talk", and when my dad found out I'd been on some unsavory sites thanks to internet history, instead of sitting down and talking with me, he just hinted at knowing in a very embarrassing manner. I became too afraid to search for anything that could have helped me with my sexuality or gender identity and was deeply ashamed of the different emotions and feelings I was experiencing. When my sister crossed the unknown line of appropriate use of internet she got in major trouble and there was a huge blow out. I still am not sure where they drew the line or what the difference was...

I would have been embarrassed if my parents tried to direct me to useful sites about sexuality - although my family has a very different vibe than yours probably does - but if you go over things like how to tell if a website is legitimate or safe, set clear boundaries, and provide other sources of info like library access or magazine (online or paper) subscriptions, I think that would go over really well.

 

I don't want to tell you how to parent. I also don't want to tell you what your morals should be or how you should view your son's sexuality (not his connection to the queer community, but his sexuality as a sexual young human). I will give you my view on this sort of question, and I'll tell you how I wish my mother had handled my teenage sexuality and how I plan on handling that of my own children in the future. Maybe something I say will spark a thought, or maybe you'll ask yourself a question you hadn't considered before.

To me, it seems like the first question to ask is "What is your goal as a parent?" Hopefully, the goal of all parents is to protect and guide their children, giving them the tools and the background necessary to live a full life as happy, healthy adults. So how does that relate to sex? Society tells people that sex is bad- producing babies is good, but sex is bad. To an extent, we've moved past that point, but it all seems to come rushing back when we think about youth. The official "good-parent" line seems to be "I must keep my child healthy, and that means I must keep my child from having sex." But that's not how we approach any other activities that have similar pro and con lists. Possible dangers to sex: STIs, an increased opportunity for abuse, (maybe) pregnancy. Benefits: pleasure, one way of expressing/building intimacy, (maybe) pregnancy. Very few parents tell their children "You want to do x sport, but it's too dangerous." Instead, they will make sure everyone involved is up front about the risks and focuses on safety measures. A coach will drill players in safety before anything else. When your 12-year-old wants to go to the mall by themself, you remind them about talking to strangers and make sure you are available if they need you. When your 16-year-old starts learning how to drive, you talk about how to avoid things going wrong and how to handle it when they do anyway. The important thing becomes teaching the kid how to recognize potential danger, and deal with it, so that they are prepared for similar situations when you aren't around to help.

I believe that sex should be treated the same way. Children should be well educated about what it means and about both the dangers and the benefits. Once the kid is old enough to consent (they have a thorough grasp of what sex is and what it would mean for them), it becomes their choice. The conversations about safety should not stop, and any concerns should simply be talked about honestly.

I guess I would encourage you to ask "what are you worried about?" Are you worried that your son is going to give an internet stalker his address and someone will come and hurt him? That seems like a valid fear, but also one that could be addressed by reminding your son about general internet safety guidelines. Are you worried that your son will stumble across gross or weird porn? Why? It exists. I am sure your son will see it at some point, so why sensor it? Is it something else? Maybe rooting it in the "what do I want for my child?" question will be helpful.

 

It's been a couple of months since Kayte's original posting. Has anything happened since?

 

it's understandable you would want to protect him. especially as depending on age it can be harmful for him to be exposed to material of an adult nature. if that is the case maybe put a filter on his computer, there is lots of free software available.

I would not necessarily talk to him about it directly because it could be embarrassing to him, but perhaps it's time to talk with him about physical relationships especially safety. it seems he is getting toward that age and I'm not sure which country you are from but education is kind of lacking where I live, unless you're a straight teen.

good luck and hope things work out okay.

(*hug*)

 

If you have concerns about your son looking at online porn it does not matter whether gay or straight it is the fact he is doing it that bothers you. I know most teenage boys do it, I have two of my own, I did not want them to have issues around sex and for them to think what they were doing was wrong. But that does not mean I liked the way it portrayed sexual relationships.