Hi, I would appreciate some advice on something. My beautiful 13 year old daughter came out as gay this year, and we are of course trying to do everything in our power to make sure that she is as happy and well adjusted as a 13 year old can be. I haven't run into too many problems, but I am confused about one thing. She and my step daughter are the same age, in the same class at school, and are best friends. It's wonderful, and they are each other's world. But my mom asked me if I worry about them sharing a bedroom. I never thought about it before, they have always been in the same room. I am certain that she doesn't have a crush on her stepsister, but I would not keep a boy and a girl in the same room. It feels like a fuss over nothing, but I wanted to ask and maybe get some feedback on it. Thanks for any advice you might have.
Hmm, well I'm not sure I have an answer. Do you have enough space so that they could have their own bedrooms? Odds are, that as much as they love each other (sisterly) and enjoy being together, they're heading toward the age where they're gonna want they're own space regardless of your daughter's sexuality. If you do decide to separate them don't make it about your daughter being lesbian. Instead just make it about her growing up n getting a whole room to herself. Make it a positive, not a negative.
I don't have any place to put her right now, but if I had to, I could probably figure out something. I don't think that they are going to naturally come to want their own space, they are absolutely joined at the hip. If I do try to split them up it will come with a fight, lol. I never felt weird about it before, but I don't want to make a situation where she ever has to feel uncomfortable because I missed a cue.
You did not feel weird about it before, and you should not feel weird about it now. The problem here is that your mother is sexualizing your daughter--it is sort of like the ridiculous and offensive claims that gay people should not be allowed to use the same locker rooms as straight people. Because, you know, they might see said straight people naked and find them attractive. Or something. In fact, it is even more ridiculous than that because they are sisters. Think about it this way--do you have any opposite sex siblings? If so, have you ever had the urge to have sex with one of them? Most people would be grossed out by the idea, even if their sibling is crazy attractive. So, even in a situation where a brother and a sister were sharing a room, the risk of them having sex is incredibly low. On top of that, if your step daughter is straight, the possibility of sex even if your daughter wanted it is zero. So, even if your daughter sexually desired your step daughter if she acted on those feelings, it would basically be rape. Which means you would have a much bigger problem on your hands than simple sexual desire. Basically, what I am saying is that the risk of anything happening between them sexually is so infinitesimally small that it is not worth worrying about. And if you did act on it for those reasons, you would basically be making unfair assumptions about both of your daughters. You would quite literally be telling them (either verbally or through your actions) that you cannot trust them in a room together, because they might have sex with one another. Think about how that would feel from your daughters perspective, and how that might make her feel--that her own mother basically thinks that she wants (or would) have sex with her sister, simply because she is a lesbian? Think about that for a moment, and then flip the genders. Assume it is your mother speaking to you and that you have a brother. When you go into your brothers room, your mother wants to make sure that you both keep the door open, because she is afraid that you are going to try and perform oral sex on him or something. It would be incredibly offensive to you, I am sure, that she would make that assumption about you. Anyway, those are my two cents. I hope it helps add some perspective to your thoughts.
I would be a little careful taking on board your mom's concerns. I'm sure she means well, but chances are she's seeing a problem that simply isn't there. I'm guessing that your gay daughter is *out* to your stepdaughter? - if so, then they have probably established their own boundaries already. If she had the guts to come out to you at 13, then she may well have talked about it all with her stepsister beforehand, if their relationship is that close. I dunno. Basically, I would be careful projecting onto and sexualising their relationship unnecessarily. Watch out for signs of fear/coercion/bullying, obviously, but generally I don't think you're doing anything wrong by continuing the current bedroom arrangements.
Thanks guys, that is exactly what my instincts were telling me before. I know both my girls, and I would never ever have worried about anything actually happening, but I wasn't sure if this situation could possibly make her feel uncomfortable. You are absolutely right, my mother is sexualizing my daughter, and it's ridiculous. She's 13, they are closer than twins, and I have no doubt that they have come to their own understanding about the way they interact. Thank you for the reality check!
I would keep her in the same room seeing as they are stepsisters and have always shared a room together. I would just try to keep an eye on them and unless you see a reason why they should have separate rooms keep them together, just like you would f they were biological sisters.
