1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

14 year old daughter bi?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by frimpy, Oct 19, 2014.

  1. frimpy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm writing here out of desperation because I have no one else to talk to and I need help processing this.

    A week ago, my daughter was excited about having her first boyfriend, but as the week wore on, I observed that she was less enthusiastic about him. She said that he wasn't quite her type, that she preferred boys who take school more seriously, etc. One afternoon I asked about some of her friends and she said they were probably at a GSA meeting. We talked a little more about that and I remarked that it seemed that most of her friends identified as bi. She said that they just seemed nicer and more open than the rest of the kids her age.

    In this same convo as the GSA meeting talk, I asked her if she might be bi - more out of curiosity rather than knowing for certain that she was. She stated emphatically that she was straight and she knew what she liked. I asked her what she would do if one of her friends became interested in her and she said she had no idea what she would do. She also told me she broke up with her boyfriend the night before.

    During the week I noticed that she was becoming fast and furious friends with another girl a year older than she. I knew this girl looked butch and she was one of her friends who she mentioned attending the GSA meeting. She spent 3 hours talking to this girl Thurs night, then she Skyped her for 2+ hours Friday night, then Saturday we brought her along to a fall festival we attended. She was so excited to see her. I was happy that she had a friend as friendships for her don't come all that easily. At the festival, my daughter and she walked arm in arm, held hands, hugged... Our daughter didn't want us around at all - very different from previous outings with other friends. I mentioned something to my husband about it then, confused and worried. On the ride home, I felt like something was different - the dynamic had changed. When we dropped the girl off, she and my daughter hugged for a long time. When the girl took awhile getting into her house, my daughter asked us to take her home with us, but there was a bit of a defiant tone in her voice when she said it. Another red flag.

    Later that afternoon, my husband mentioned to our daughter what we had observed and he said to her that if she's straight, that she might want to be careful about any mixed messages she might be sending to the other girl who by all appearances (and yes - appeareances and demeanor) appeared to be anything but straight. Our daughter then said she didn't know if she was. She asked me if I was disappointed. I told her I was just confused because a couple of days ago we had a conversation about this very topic. She said she felt like I was disappointed and she left the room.

    Later on, I went to her because I didn't want to end the day with her feeling like she disappointed us. My husband and I had a convo about it and he suggested I let her know that we just don't want her to feel pressured by anyone - boy or girl into something she isn't ready for, but we are here to support her. There was still a defiant tone in her voice when I talked to her - she said that no one was pressuring her, that she was with her friend because she liked her unlike the boy she was with the week earlier. She said she was only sexually attracted to boys, but she wants to date boys and girls.

    I feel like this came completely out of left field. I am so confused - as I am sure she is too though she won't admit it. Every time I start thinking about things, I start crying. I am so, so sad and worried. We live in a very small town and while society is much different these days, people talk, people gossip, and kids can be cruel. She's already circled the perimeter of social interactions and now I'm worried this will be what ostracizes her from other peers altogether. I worry about what my younger daughter will say/do/think.

    She had never mentioned anything before yesterday about being curious or bi or anything but straight.

    Help me, someone. I don't know how to process all of this.
     
  2. wontwalkblindly

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2014
    Messages:
    140
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jupiter
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey!
    Sometimes it's hard for parents to understand what their kids are going through no matter how much they want to. Your child seems a little confused about her feelings herself. I think it would be a good idea to just kinda step back for a while and let her try to figure out everything herself first. Keep doorways to conversation open with her and continue your relationship as if nothing is different or weird. Consistency is key with kids. Keep letting her know that you will always accept her through your actions toward her and those around you.
    If she turns out to be straight, great. If she turns out to be bisexual, great. If she turns out to be gay, great. It really doesn't matter especially because you accept her no matter who she is. Identity is a process, not an endpoint. Maybe she's going to call herself straight for a while and later figure out she's really bi. (That's not to say its a choice, because its not; but idenitities can change-just not by anyone trying to force them to.)
    I wish you the best of luck in this journey with your daughter. Remember to always love her unconditionally and show her that you do.
    An organization that you might want to check out is "pflag" (parents and friends of lesbians and gays). They have some good resources for family of people in the lgbtq community.
    Have a good day. You and your daughter will get through this. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Remember when you first came face-to-face with your little baby daughter and you promised to be there for her through thick and thin?

    Well this is the time that she needs you the most.

    You've written a very honest post and I really respect the fact you've come here to EC, which is definitely one of the best websites for a parent in your situation. Having said that, I think it would be most helpful to try to give you my perspective on a few of the things you've said (post to follow shortly). She may not have the words to describe what she's feeling right now, but be assured she's just going through what loads and loads of LGBT teens go through. Please, please resist the urge to get defensive when you read what I'm about to post.
     
    #3 uniqueusername3, Oct 19, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 19, 2014
  4. Biromantic Heterosexual is what she is telling you she is. I used to feel like I was Biromantic Homosexual but then as time went on I realized that I was Homoromantic/Homosexual. It's normalk for her orientation to change on any given day as this is the age that she will be experimenting with her feelings and who she finds attractive, as well as when she starts evaluating the things that she wants in a romantic partner. You are doing the right thing by talking to her and by coming to this site. Just give her some space to figure things out on her own. She will come to you when she is ready. She probably doesn't want to talk about it because she herself isn't sure yet. Again, just give her time.
     
  5. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Her age suggests she knows her sexuality pretty well, but she is afraid of rejection by you. Yet, since she is honest with you, she trusts you enough to keep you informed of her actions. I think you should at least try to maintain that connection because it's much better for her self-esteem if she doesn't have to feel like she must hide things. I'm pretty sure she knows more than you about the current situation and the "consequences" of seeming not straight, but it's much better for her to figure things out earlier than later. You can't always be there to protect her, but you can make her feel strong enough to stand up to any discrimination.
     
  6. Blossom85

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2014
    Messages:
    1,377
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New South Wales, Australia
    I think just respect her need for space and give her some time to process it all and figure it out herself.. She might still be feeling really confused and feeling pressured when you are asking questions she doesn't yet know the answer to isn't going to be helping her at all. I think you sound like a wonderful caring mother who just wants the best for her, however she needs to just know you are there and love her regardless, but above all.. Like I mentioned, just give her space. Let her work through this and if she wants to talk, let her come to you. It might be something she has been thinking about for her while but not been ready to come forward about, so whilst it maybe coming out of left field for you, for her.. It could be something she has been dealing with for a while.
     
  7. PlantSoul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2014
    Messages:
    1,296
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Venus
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm sure you mean well, but you're making so many assumptions here. Just because her friend, doesn't conform to society's expectations on her gender, doesn't necessarily mean that she is gay/bi. GSA also includes gender. "Red Flags"? What red flags? If the situation at hand was reversed with her friend being a cis boy, would any red flags still be waving? Based on what you have written with your attitude and assumptions, I can see why your daughter has taken up a defiant behavior. I can see why she feels as though she has disappointed you.

    If you want to better the situation; 1. Stop making so many assumptions, 2. Stop asking her about this. Instead, let her come to you when she is ready. and 3. Please, learn more about sexuality, romantic attraction, and gender identity and expression. Good luck.
     
  8. frimpy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    plantsoul - you are right about me making so many assumptions. This has been really difficult for me - I won't lie. However, I do know for a fact that my daughter is dating this girl. I know you mean well, but damning me for being confused and not knowing how to deal with this situation is not helping me or anyone. If I didn't have any compassion for my daughter or anyone else in this sort of situation, I wouldn't have dared post on here.

    Everyone else - thank you for your advice. I've been surprised by my reaction to my daughter's situation and I thought my husband is the one who would have had a harder time. Instead it's the reverse. I think this is my big opportunity to have a heart to heart with my daughter and let her know how much she is loved and how much I want her to be happy. I am proud of her for choosing to follow her heart. I am still confused by it all, but I want to do right by her.
     
  9. RainbowSocks

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2014
    Messages:
    77
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Welcome frimpy. You've come to the right place. I hope we can help you. Fell free to ask as many questions as you need.

    Your daughter has to figure out what she's feeling/thinking before she can tell you. I know someone said that above, but I thought it was worth saying again. :slight_smile: Even if she's already figured it out, she may not be ready to tell you or talk to you about it. It took me 10 years before I was ready to tell my own mother. My father still doesn't know. While it's good for you to continue telling your daughter that you love her and treating her normally, you need to give her space. Don't make her talk about this if she doesn't want to. You might end up scaring her away. I know teens in general don't like having "the talk" but this isn't the same thing. This is about her figuring out who she is and her being comfortable enough with herself to be able to come to you when she's ready and if she needs you. It's okay to be confused. She needs to figure this out on her own.

    This isn't just a process for her. It's a process for you as well. You're a worried parent and everyone on this board loves you for that because not all of us have that. But don't worry about the town and the people and the gossip. Worry about her and how you can best help her. Give her a big hug. Tell her that you love her no matter what and that she will never be a disappointment to you. Tell her she can talk to you about anything when she's ready and you'll do your best to listen without judgement and to help if you can. Then give her another squeeze and leave it at that. Let her come to you. She will.
    As far as your younger daughter goes. Hate is something that is learned. It sounds like you are a very loving mother so I don't think you will have anything to worry about on that front. Just tell her that love is love no matter where it comes from.
     
  10. frimpy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you so much, RainbowSocks and to everyone else who responded. I met with a close friend yesterday to talk about what's been going on and she pretty much said the same thing all of you have suggested. I also had a more in depth conversation with my husband and his unconditional love and acceptance of our daughter just saddened me more that I wasn't feeling the same. But, I came away from all of these conversations - in person and here - with a stronger resolve to let my daughter know that I do love her and I am proud of her. And that I accept her.

    Last night, I told her that I was so sorry for not being a very good mom to her. I told her that I was still learning, but that I am trying and will always try for her. The look on her face was pure relief and I could feel and see years of pain, both hers and mine, fall away. She has always just wanted to be accepted for who she is for reasons I won't go into here, but that have nothing to do with her sexual orientation. I told her that I just want her to be happy with whatever choices she makes, I just wanted her happiness. I told her that I was proud of her for following her heart and that she is an awesome kid with so much to offer the world. Then we just hugged and hugged. I told her that I loved her.

    It's only been half a day so I know it won't all be sunshine and puppy dogs from here on out. I think part of my initial reaction was that I was so worried about what would happen to my relationship with her, as tenuous as it has been for some time. If I can just put the focus on our relationship rather than her relationships with anyone else, I feel like I have more hope that we can continue to grow and that I can be a better mom to her who will have faith that she will figure things out in her own time and in her own way. I feel like the windows have opened and we're breathing in the fresh morning air of a new day.
     
  11. RainbowSocks

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2014
    Messages:
    77
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    ^^^ Awesome mom right there ^^^

    You said "his unconditional love and acceptance of our daughter just saddened me more that I wasn't feeling the same." I think someone (so I'll do it :slight_smile: ) should point out that by you coming here and trying to understand what she was going through showed just how unconditional your love for her really is. Don't beat yourself up about being confused or by reacting in a shocked manner to something that came out of left field. This takes a long time to accept not only as a queer individual but as a parent of a queer individual. The important thing is that you're trying, your daughter knows you're trying, and you have a support system now. We are here for you. Feel free to come back whenever you have questions or concerns.
     
  12. kumawool

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2013
    Messages:
    194
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    You know, I read this thread over, and even though you struggled and were very worried, you actually did everything right.

    Really wish there were more parents like you.
     
  13. InfiniteStars

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2014
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey there! 15-year-old bisexual here. I'm sort of out to my parents; they found out about my interests without me telling them (long story) and we breifly talked abou it but that's about it. If/when I come out to them, here's some things I would like to hear/feel/make sure is clear between us. Maybe these can help you communicate with your daughter.
    -I am loved no matter what
    -They won't abandon me
    -It's okay to have questions
    -Even if they don't agree, they're not going to try to change who I am
    -I am still me. Just because I've identified my sexual/romantic orientation does in no way mean that I am no longer Kenzie, the daughter they've known and loved for 15 years.
    -As long as I'm not making poor life choices, I'm not going to be ridiculed by them
    I CANNOT enforce how much you need to let her know that you still love her. This will make her feel more comfortable around you and confiding in you.
    There's just a few off the top of my head; I hope it helps! Feel free to contact me if there's anything more you might want to discuss :slight_smile:
     
  14. Hell2theno

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2014
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hampshire, England :)
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Let her discover herself, take a step back and let her explore.