1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What's in a name?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by MsBwell, Oct 26, 2014.

  1. MsBwell

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    First post! :icon_bigg I'm very grateful and excited to find this site, there really needs to be more online communities for parents of LGBTQIA children.
    I'm was the mom of two daughters, when my eldest was 16 she told me she was gay via a message on my computer. I accepted it, honestly I really didn't care. I feel there are way too many labels in our society. We are all human. As long as my children are happy, love and respect themselves I'm good.
    Fast forward to today... my eldest is now 18, a college student, and now puts themselves in the category of non-binary. This is new to me, I'm trying to stop saying daughter, my girls, she, and her. My child has been joking, hopefully, that a shock collar might be needed to correct my grammar behavior. Lol. I may have to agree. We are best friends and really close so I don't want some stupid words to make them feel uncomfortable. Their last visit home it was requested that I now call them Fin. I kind of ignored that request. Now this weekend they are being pretty forceful about the whole name change. I just can't say Fin out loud. I want to scream and cry over a name. It's so ridiculous for everything we've gone through to let a name get me so emotional. How do I let go? I still have an amazing, intelligent, beautiful, talented child whether I call them Haillie or Fin. I need to move forward with this.
     
  2. CrazyAwkward

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2014
    Messages:
    446
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MA
    Hello :slight_smile:

    Have you tried taking some time each day to look at a picture of them and say the name Fin out loud, just to get used to it? That way if you get upset or emotional it won't be in front of them. Over time I'm sure it will get easier. You sound like an awesome, supportive mom, and posting here shows how much you care, so I know this is a hurdle you'll be able to get over.
     
  3. BradThePug

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    6,573
    Likes Received:
    288
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey MsBwell and welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    Could it be possible that you are still trying to hold on to the identity of the child that you have known for so long? It takes some time for all of us to get used to change. It sounds like you still may be becoming used to the fact that your child identifies as being non-binary.

    What you are feeling is the "loss" of the identity of the child that you knew. I'm sure that you have thought about their future and what it would be like since Fin was a small child... and that future did not include being non-binary. Fin has had time to become used to this name and this identity, where you are just being introduced to it. So, it may seem awkward or hard for you at first, but with time (and practice) it will become easier.

    It sounds like you are an awesome and supportive mom :slight_smile:
     
  4. MsBwell

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    That's a great idea. Thank you.

    I thought I was doing good at being supportive. Saying Fin out loud just feels I'm putting the last nail in the Haillie coffin. I picked that name out before my baby was even a blip on the screen. I was totally ok when Haillie was non-binary but Fin just pisses me off. I think we'll have to have a talk, it's their turn to be understanding. This is an emotional part for me and I'll need a little more time than a week. They did text me that I could pick out a non gender middle name.
    Thank you.
     
  5. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think most sensible kids are willing to listen and try to understand when their parents are honest and open about their feelings. The barriers normally go up when parents just close down the conversation and say "no" without any attempt to explain or clarify. So if you try to say exactly why you are finding it difficult, you may find Fin is quite receptive (providing you don't say it pisses you off). Ignoring the issue will only make it worse and I think you can probably see how that led to the more forceful approach over the weekend.

    Airing your views will not necessarily change Fin's mind, but it should create an atmposphere of greater understanding, and hopefully more consideration.

    You're doing your best and nobody can criticise you for getting a little bit stuck at this point. It's a journey for both of you. (*hug*)
     
  6. BradThePug

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    6,573
    Likes Received:
    288
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm not saying that you are not being supportive. From the sounds of it, you are being very supportive :slight_smile: It just takes some time to adjust to seeing somebody differently after you have seen them one way for so long, so you could easily still be in that adjustment period.

    I agree with what PatrickUK is saying, if you sit them down and talk with them about the difficulties that you are facing, it might help you both out some. It can be frustrating for the person when somebody is not calling them their preferred name, and I'm sure that it is frustrating for you to see your child be frustrated at you. So, open communication might help to break down some of these barriers.
     
  7. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    I think that you are being extraordinarily supportive. So many of us have gone through such pain, misery, anxiety and depression in our lives because our parents would never accept our gender identities. I would have done anything to have a parent as accepting as you are.
    So there is this issue of the name. Well, part of it may be a really simple thing. When we're used to calling someone by a certain name from the day that they were born, it is hard to get used to the idea of calling them by a new name that they have selected. That's pretty normal no matter what the circumstances. Are there some other more complicated, sub-conscious, freudian things going on with your resistance to the new name? Who knows? Does it really matter? What I think really matters is that a name is a very personal thing. We all identify with our name, and we don't like it when we are called by a name other than the name we choose for ourselves. So the magnanimous loving thing to do when you are a magnanimous loving parent like you are is to show your child the respect and love you have for them by calling them by the name they has chosen and prefers. you'll find that the appreciation and love that you'll get back in return for what you will come to realize was a small gesture was well worth it. Good luck! (&&&)
     
  8. Covalent

    Covalent Guest

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2014
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    BC, Canada
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Let me say that you are doing so well with handling the news. I admire that you haven't been openly hostile with your child even though their transition is being a source of stress for you. I'm sure Fin is very thankful to have a mother who is trying her best to understand their struggles. I think, judging from your accound, the source of your problem is that you are feeling loss. That you're losing your child, and the name change cemented the deal. I know it's hard for parents (I come from a household with an unaccepting mother, she still doesn't choose acknowledge my identity), and I know that it may feel like your child is a different person. In ways, yes. They are a different person; They are the best version of themself that they could possibly be. Fin is being open, honest and true to themself. It will take some getting used to, and Fin does need to realize this, and it is not your fault for needing a coping period.

    I can also give you an insight on what Fin is going through. Granted, I am not your child, and probably have very different experiences, but I can give you an idea about what they probably feel. Honestly, and in no disrespect, Fin probably feels betrayed right now. In their mind, you started off as so supportive, and ready to make the change, and then out of nowhere, you start seeming to be against their identity. When I was coming out, my mother acted like nothing was wrong for about a week, and then everything came crashing down. She told me that I wasn't mentally sound, and that I needed to be in a mental institution or that I was unnatural, or even that I could never find love because I was transgender. I remember how much this hurt, and why it hurt, and it's probably similar to what Fin feels. I am, in no way, saying that you said anything as bad to Fin as my mother did to me, but the feelings are similar. Once you have another talk, remember to tell them that you fully support them, and that you aren't against this whatsoever.

    You're doing a wonderful job as a parent (don't ever think otherwise), and I wish you and Fin the best.
     
  9. womaninamber

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2014
    Messages:
    518
    Likes Received:
    21
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    This is so strange because I was about to start a similar thread. My child (transmasculine genderqueer) wants to be called my child and have gender neutral pronouns. I actually didn't have much problem when ey changed eir name to a boy's name and told me to call em my son, but I'm having so much trouble wrapping my head around the idea that ey isn't my son either.

    I feel terrible about this because I know damn well that some people just don't fit into the gender binary and I have no right to have a problem with that. And I didn't think I did have a problem with that.

    So anyway I can totally sympathize with where you're coming from. The name itself wasn't a problem for me because several people in my family have changed their names, including me, but this is really hard for me. (Especially the pronouns. I try to remember to use them online, but if I want to use them anywhere else I would have to get in a long explanation about it.) But I shouldn't whine, because ey is the one who has to face the world with this.

    I agree that you do sound really supportive and I hope it all works out for you.
     
  10. Kasey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6,385
    Likes Received:
    162
    Location:
    The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To be honest it's even hard for me to know how to address gender neutral or agender people. I'm so used to binary and identity binary but I am experiencing that difficulty of familiarity as being a male for 32 years. My friends and family will have a hard time letting go of calling me male pronouns.

    You're super supportive and your child must know that. I wish my parents at least were supportive even if they screwed up gender.

    You'll get used to it. It isn't called "transition" for nothing.
     
  11. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    I think that the English language will eventually catch up to reality. I remember when the term "Ms." first came out so that women would not have to indicate marital status as a part of their identity, and as a better equivalent to the male "Mr." A lot of people had a really hard time with it, but then it just became accepted. Seems like a small thing, but i do thing that our pronouns will eventually develop to something more respectful of everyone.
     
  12. SouthernGeek

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2014
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Carolina
    Gosh, what will people who speak the Romance languages do? They have gender-specific nouns of all types for inanimate objects.
     
  13. rowena14

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2014
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    dothan
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    I am having the same problem, my spousal unit is being very open minded about this.My name was Shane but I have chosen to be called Rowena. For some reason every don't like it. There loss not mine. I have come out of the shadows and I am not going back into the shadows. My inlaws are being outwardly hostile about this. They try to undermine me in front of my daughter.I have been trying to teach my daughter to say Maddy instead of Daddy; combination of daddy and mommy . I am at an impasse with them. So I do understand what you are going through. I wish you all the strength and courage it takes while you are adjusting to this new challenge in your life
     
  14. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    yeah, but even their gender specific nouns seem to have a gender identity crisis. first that comes to mind is that the word for penis in Spanish is feminine, la pene. I'm sure we could make a long lexicon of these gender confusions. but we definitely should be able to fix english.
     
  15. sharkpool

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2013
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    THIS. In Spanish, even adjectives are defined by gender x.x



    Wildside, I'm sorry to correct you but the Spanish word for penis uses a masculine article ("el" and not "la"). I'm a native Spanish speaker (;
     
    #15 sharkpool, Dec 25, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2014
  16. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    yes, I stand corrected. but you can come up with lots of other words that seem to be contradictions of gender. David Sedaris does a great story about this from when he was learning French.
     
  17. Jellal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,359
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Um, I've wanted to go by the gender neutral AJ instead of my male name for some time. But I don't know the right time to make this happen. Should I do it before or after coming out to my parents? This has me confused. I bet there's a right answer in front of me but I would like to hear others' opinions on it, as long as we're talking about the difficulty of our chosen names.

    I just wonder whether it will help my parents ease into my identity better if I do it possibly months in advance of coming out.
     
  18. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    using gender neutral initials is a pretty mild way to make a change. after all, there are plenty of men and women who go by a couple initials like that, and most of them are straight. ever heard of J.K. Rowling?
     
  19. Jellal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,359
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Yes I know who she is :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I reckon if it's that mild, it's better done sooner.
     
  20. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    right. I agree. then people get used to calling you that. they get comfortable with it. you get comfortable with it. and when you're ready to come out, you don't have to deal with the "and call me by a different name" issue. very insightful for you to think of this! :thumbsup: