Hoping someone can help me understand where my son is coming from. To start at the beginning, some years ago my son had a relationship with a woman that wasn't a good relationship. He then sometime later after they broke up admitted he was bisexual & started dating men & had a relationship with a man for a short while. That broke up & he met a woman who he's been in a relationship with for a while now. She's a lovely girl who accepts him for who he is, knows about his past & bisexuality. The problem is the last few months out of the blue he's on 2 occasions had meaningless hook ups with men for oral sex. His guilt made him tell his girlfriend & she's willing to work through it as long as he gets help ( he also suffers from anxiety which until now he's chosen not to get help for). I've always maintained an open door & have been very fortunate that he's always been comfortable sharing his feelings with me ( as much as it's been too much info sometimes lol) Here's what I don't understand. To me it's irrelevant that he's bisexual. To me this is a case of him cheating & not honouring his commitment to his partner He's says it's not as cut & dried as that. I also asked him if it wasn't a sign he really would prefer to be with a man. He says no, having had relationships with both over the years, everything about being in a relationship with a man repulses him, he wants to be with & make a future with his girlfriend. He's in such a dark guilt ridden place right now & believes he deserves to be a,one & possibly be better off for all if he just wasn't here to hurt anyone anymore, which of course scares me. On the up side he's started seeing a councillor. So is he right, is it not as simple for a bisexual person in a committed relationship? I really want to understand & keep those lines of communication open plus I'm also concerned about his girlfriend because she's hurt & not many women would stick by him knowing what she knows & I'm worried if he pushes her away because he feels he doesn't deserve her things could get a whole lot worse. Grateful for any insights.
Well, this is an interesting question and it's nice to see a concerned mom reaching out on something like this. My guess is there are going to be a lot of views here, so I will be interested in seeing what other have to say as well. From my perspective, there can be several things at play: 1. Is your son ready yet to be in a committed relationship; or is he even really interested in committed relationships? He needs to ask himself what is it it he really wants. If he is in a committed relationship because he is trying to make other people happy (or confirm to society norms) rather than himself, that would not be a good place for him to be, particularly if he is not ready to commit. There are those that can never see themselves in a committed relationship. 2. Maybe he is still working through his own sexuality. Part of him might be saying he is bi, part might be saying he really wants to be in the company of a man. He might be at a confused state. Again, as a concerned mom, you would think that he should take his time to figure out who really is and how he will be happy. In either case, as a parent myself, I would look for my child to follow their own path and try and figure things out themselves. I would be there to guild them when they seek guidance and interfere only if they are putting themselves at real risk. They need to follow their own path and come to their own conclusions. I am sure this is very frustrating to watch, if he comes to you to talk and is proactive seeking your help, by all means give him the support that any parent should afford their child. But there is certainly a delicate line as apparent as you well know. As for your son, he should not lead his girlfriend along to the extent he knows what he truly wants. But it is for him to communicate with his girlfriend in a manner and on a timetable he is comfortable with. While he is trying to figure things out, I can appreciate if he is a bit ambiguous. There are those on this site that have taken decades to figure things out. Hope this helps. This is just my preliminary thoughts.
Like the person said on top maybe your son is struggling with his sexuality , or maybe he's not ready for relationship or committed relationship just isn't for him .
Thank both for your replies. He's hurting so badly & it scares me where it's all going to end up. I hate feeling so helpless & being a day's drive away doesn't help either, all I can do is keep telling him I love him & no matter what I'll always be there. I wish he was inside as he appears to the outside world which is confident, energetic, happy, so much potential to achieve anything he chooses. No one sees the turmoil, the hate for himself. He seems to deliberately put himself into situations which he knows are going to cause harm & anxiety. I seriously do not care if he chooses to be gay or straight or anything else, I will support him no matter what, I just want him to be happy & healthy & leading a full life whatever that may be.
Well I just tell my point of view... maybe simply a bit more openness and calmness would help... to me its like a kind of energy males, and females exude... it might be possible he just had a time of missing one kind... I frankly would cut on porn, which might fuel desire, and concentrate on getting together with males on a regular and friendship basis... like going to a club... going to community courses... hope this is not too graphic but he might talk to his girlfriend more openly... like really talking about their wishes in the bedroom, would that help ? pair therapy for both might be an idea... he might have issues telling openly his wishes, and being close, for example... not making this an exchange of reproaches but maybe a better mutual understanding, and possibly deeper love... of course all in due time for him to sort things out... (*hug*)
USxUK....all the time. I have welcomed whoever his partner has been into my home over the years, hoping this might be the one that sets him on the path to being & knowing who he wants to be. After being in relationships with both sexes he went back to being with a woman saying that is what he wanted, but if that's true then why these random pick ups for masturbation with men when he says the thought of any form of a relationship & things like kissing, holding hands etc with a man repulses him. He's finally going to talk to a councillor so I'm hoping they will help him accept whatever it is he wants because he can't go on the way he is & neither can I. When he hooks up with these men it's either masturbation or oral & then he gets worried he's caught something & his anxiety kicks in big time until he gets an all clear on tests. I don't understand why he keeps going back to things that cause him such anguish & guilt & disgust later especially when he's in a relationship with this wonderful supportive woman who's been hurt terribly by his cheating. It's exhausting worring about him all the time but I love him & unfortunately for me I'm not one of those mothers that can sit on the sidelines & watch him fall apart.
Glad he is going to get professional help. You sound like a great mom; keep being supportive and give him the space he needs to figure things out. Better he does it now than spending many years unfulfilled and confused. Also, please keep in mind, while it is frustrating for you and you never want your see your child having difficulties, this is a journey he needs to make. You may not agree with whatever his conclusions, you might be fine with whatever he concludes, either way, he will be happy to know he has your support.
You are a fantastic mother, and your son is lucky to have you in his life. Unfortunately, this is a battle that you cannot really fight for him, because the war is being waged inside his head. One thing really jumps out at me as a major red flag. When you write that your son is having sex with men, and then later having anxiety issues over it and calling the idea of being with a man "repulsive"--all of this points to some serious internalized homophobia. The reality is that if he found the idea of being with a man genuinely repulsive he would not be having sex with men. Fundamentally, when he says being with another man is repulsive, he is telling you that part of himself is repulsive, that he finds his actions repulsive, and that he finds his feelings repulsive. It has nothing to do with other men, it has to do with his own issues. Personally, based on what you have written, I think this is the crux of the problem. He needs to get to a point where he can genuinely love and embrace himself fully. Once he is at that point, he can make a decision about what he genuinely wants, and unfortunately that means everyone else is just along for the ride. This is only something he can do for himself, but you can support him in this journey. Next time you hear him talk about being with men repulsive, challenge him on this fact, and let him know that it is not repulsive. If he is telling you that, then he is fundamentally attacking (and hurting) himself. He is getting into therapy, and really professional help is what he needs at this point in his life. Some of the things you have written really concern me, such as his saying that the world would be better off without him. I would genuinely be concerned about depression and potential suicidal thoughts. In my opinion, this is what makes having a qualified therapist essential for him at this point. He needs professional help and support. One thing you should keep an eye out for in the future, is if you start seeing him pull away, and retreating into himself. If he starts pulling away, losing interest in the things he loves to do, and other such things--be really concerned. That is a serious sign of depression. My long term advice to you is to be vigilant and alert in any shifts in his personality or mood that could signal depression, make sure he stays involved in therapy with a QUALIFIED therapist (usually this is going to be a therapist who practices Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), push him to be honest and sincere with himself, do not allow him to beat up or degrade himself by attacking his sexuality, and of course continue to give him love and support. Hopefully with the help of therapy and your support your son will develop the courage he needs to make the changes necessary in his life for him to be happy. Once again, you are a great mother. I hope this helped.
So sorry you're going through this. Offer to assist him in getting help, and just be there for him when he needs you. Also, if you need anything, we're all here for you. Your friend, B
Thank you so much guys for your support. It really helps to know someone out there understands. I try to be vigilant, unfortunately he doesn't live here where I am but we're very close so I'm able to pick up on his tone or even his words if he texts or facebooks. I sent him a plane ticket to come home for a couple of days so hopefully it will help to step away from the turmoil in the city for a couple of days. He's said he would go to a therapist before but not followed through, so really hoping he will this time. Aldrich, you are right, he doesn't like himself very much at all & even worse now as he's scared he's got something he could have passed on to his GF. If only he could see himself the way others see him, he really is a good person, he's just lost his way right now. Anyhow, can't wait for Saturday thanks again guys, truely
You're actually right. Consider in your relationships, you probably still noticed other attractive men while you were dating. That doesn't mean you had sex with them. Your son noticed other attractive women while dating. He also notices other attractive men while dating. That doesn't mean he has to have sex with them. This said, it sounds like both parties want to fix the relationship. So abstain from blame, and focus on honesty with your son. It's been awhile since you posted here, so I hope all is going well. :smilewave
