Hi all - I am mom to a 14 year old son. Still barely starting puberty. Very smart, talented musician. Has friends who are dating girls, but he has not been interested. He's a freshman in high school, but in many classes with upperclassmen. Last night we were talking about a senior boy who he is in a class with. I said something like "oh, he's the cute kiddo who looked like he stepped off a movie poster, right?" My son said "Yes, and he's so nice! If I were gay I would totally marry him." After a pause he went on "actually, there are a bunch of guys I would marry if I were gay." I asked who, and he said, "well, maybe just XXX." Then I said in a light tone - "are you trying to tell me something?" and he just laughed and changed the subject. We have several relatives on both sides who are gay and in committed relationships, so we have always been positive about it. Although I admit it would be hard for me now just for 2 reasons - first, I'd be worried about him getting through high school - I think it can be a hard time to come out. Second, he has always talked about wanting to be a father, and loved children - so I would be sad to see that become less likely. I have wondered before. For example, he rarely comments on someone being attractive (on TV, for example), but when he does it is more often about a man than a woman. I'm not sure if I should try to talk to him about it more, or just let it rest and let him come to me. I just feel confused about it....what to think, how to feel......or if I'm just reading more into it than I should....
First, welcome to EC! Secondly, there is no way to tell for sure if your son is gay until/unless he explicitly states he's gay. That said...I'd say from what you say that there is a good chance that he's gay or bisexual. At this point, there is nothing you can really do except wait. Make it clear that you are supportive of LGBT. Make it clear that you love him, no matter what. It can be. But things are, overall, a lot better than they once were. Adoption and some sort of surrogacy plan are both options. Keep in mind...even if he's straight, there are no guarantees. He might meet the perfect Miss Right, get married, and then discover one or both are infertile. For that matter, he might not ever meet the right person.
Hi Qu3stions, welcome to EC! He is quite young, the hormonal awakenings have barely begun to make themselves felt, there is still a lot for him to sort out. As a parent myself, I would share your concerns about his safety in high school, but not as to whether he can be a father, this is no longer an impossible dream for gay fathers and there are many instances of such families with well-adjusted and happy children. But all this is putting the cart before the horse. My advice would be to let it rest and to wait for him to come to terms with whatever he has to figure out. This does not mean you should do nothing: here are a few things you can do to prepare yourself for the possible eventuality of his coming out: 1) of course, avoid all potential remarks that would suggest negativity about being gay, that includes shielding him from other family members, friends or acquaintances who would reveal such attitudes as well (which would be a good opportunity to demonstrate to your son where you stand) 2) check out PFLAG (website and possible chapter in your community) to inform yourself of the issues he may face 3) Love him more...I know this sounds weird, but it is so important to let him know, actively, not just living with that assumption, that you will stand by him no matter what. This more than anything else will give him the trust he needs to confide in you. Again, he has NOT said anything concrete, and this is where letting him develop at his own pace is important. This is also confounded with the adolescent years, where, whether straight or gay, he needs to differentiate himself from his parents...so there will be challenges, no doubt. It is great that you came here for advice, and don't hesitate to pick our brains on this, we've been there and we can help.
I appreciate your responses - thank you. I think I will just let it all sit, and be available if he wants to talk further, but let him take his own time. It's great to remember that there are plenty of sources of support and information if I - or he - needs to find them. Thanks again.
To me he seems at that stage where his finding out about himself not just sexuailty but other things as well. I'd just give him the space and time to think about those things. I would also like to say how lucky he is to have a family and mom like you! So many of us lgbt members face unhappy childhoods and not so nice family members we need more families and mothers like you
He sounds gay, or at least something, I really doesn't sound straight. My advice is to what the above posters said. Also, don't pester him or ask him about his sexuality, or who he likes, these things are terrible when you're closeted.
This is a good idea. It might be a good idea though to make it known in an unawkward, i.e. indirect way that you're okay with gay people. I always knew as a kid by instinct that my sexual orientation was not acceptable to my family, and I was quite right as I often heard them make remarks that denigrated gays, saying they were going to hell, etc. If I had parents who were accepting, but didn't know that they would be, it would make me feel more insecure and prone to a lot of anxiety if I weren't aware of the fact that they would accept me if I came out to them.... if any of that makes any sense. That would help to allay any unspoken fears your son might have and perhaps ease adolescence along somewhat more nicely than many gay teens have it.
^^^ Also, it would help if his father, or any other adult living with you and him, was also saying positive things and not asking about things like girlfriends. A lot of LGBT people find coming out to fathers/father figures to be hardest. I don't know if you've talked with his father about what your son said, but if not you should tell him you don't want to hear negatively inflicted labels and such at home. A lot of people, adults included, use gay as a slur almost involuntarily and hearing it from a parent is very uncomfortable.
Well honestly I would say let him take his time and also if he is gay and comes out in high school it might not be so bad there are openly gay kids at my school and they don't seem to have any problems also he can still have kids through adoption or a surrogate mother Have a great day!
Welcome to EC! You sound like a wonderful mother! As to his orientation, as others have said, being there is all you can do. He may also just be uncomfortable with his own body, regardless of his orientation. Making comments about attractive guys could be him wanting to be that person, not necessarily with* that person. Again, it's hard to say at this stage. I can say it sounds like he has a supportive mother there for him as he develops and determines who he is interested in, and for that he is a lucky young man!!
I agree with the others. You sound like an amazing parent! I would be near certain that his comment was 'testing the waters.' 14 is plenty old enough to know; we have parents here whose kids have come out at 7 or 8, and many here who came out at 10 or 12. That said, he may be testing the waters in part because he isn't sure yet (or is still in the process of coming to self acceptance.) IF you aren't familiar with the stages of loss, they are basically steps that everyone goes through in processing any sort of loss, in this case, loss of identity as straight. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Not always sequential, and it can take from 5 minutes to 10 years to go through them. So he may be somewhere between denial and bargaining, or he may simply be questioning. My entirely unscientific experience in working with various people is that it is pretty rare for someone to question extensively and end up straight; most of the time, in my experience sample, for straight people, they question for about 30 seconds and that's it. So if you're seeing the various signs, combined with what he said, I think it's fairly likely he's gay or at least on the gay side of bi. But... letting him process this on his own, and work through it, is what's important. And it seems like you're already doing that. If/when he's ready, EC would be a great resource for him, so you can suggest it at an appropriate time.
Thank you all again so much. I just posted on justamom's thread....even now, just a day or so later, I'm able to feel so much more at peace. Ok, I'm repeating myself here - but having a little space has helped me to remember that he is who he is, and I love him and am proud of him. He will live his own life, and it won't be mine, and that's ok. We have always been a pretty LGTBQ friendly household, so we can continue that. We (mostly I) HAVE been guilty about asking about relationships/girls occasionally - that's something I can easily stop - I can see that could be stressful to someone questioning. I love the opportunities to let go of my assumptions about his relationship future - as someone mentioned, who knows what will happen?!? He could be straight, or gay, or bi, and in all cases he may find a soulmate, or not, or a sequence of partners - there are lots of unknowns. And not just around relationships - it's a great reminder to recognize my assumptions about his future in lots of venues, and support him to find his own way. At least that's how I feel today. I may well have new stresses tomorrow...... Thanks again!!!
I'm going to give you "advice" as if you were my mom, but it's also important to keep in mind that every kid is different and your son isn't me, so things will probably have to be modified for him. Don't pressure him. Most non-heterosexuals are bi/pan/flexible/unlabeled (source: Lisa Diamond's research), so being pressured to label himself might make things worse. Instead, do your own homework. You're already researching and asking great questions! What about your area in real life? Do you live near a city that has a pride center? Does it have youth groups or activism groups? What about family-oriented parties and events? You might need to make some phone calls or emails to find out about these things. Do you have a PFLAG chapter near you? When/where are their meetings? These are things you can research and hang on to so that if/when he wants tell you something concrete, you are ready to support him. School can be tough, although that largely depends on your area and the school itself. If/when he is more out, you can have a discussion with him about how you could advocate for him at school. As a parent, you have the power to support a GSA and queer-friendly policies as well as training for faculty/staff, etc. but you shouldn't step up to those things until he says he wants you to. Also, even a truly awful school environment is survivable with a strong outside support system. Obviously he has you, but that's where the pride center would come in. Being able to hang out with good kids and new queer friends can be a lifeline when things are tough. On the subject of kids: I know our culture places heavy emphasis on fulfilling life through kids, and often parents think their children can only be happy if they someday have kids of their own. The important thing to remember is that queer folks have kids all the time, they just don't feel as pressured by society to have them if they don't want to. If he wants children, he'll find a way to acquire some. And if he doesn't, then you wouldn't want to push him into doing something that would make him unhappy anyway.
The best you can do is show you support LGBT+. He could be Gay, Straight, or Bi. Consider Asexuality as a possibility. But let him come out; the worst thing you can do is try to interrogate him. Trust me, I had to go through these stages; it's really awkward to talk about to your parents. I'm glad some parents out there are supportive, as I don't really know of any. Wishing your family the best.
