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Ok...now what? What's next?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by justamom, Nov 14, 2014.

  1. justamom

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    I don't know how to react...I think I accidentally stumbled upon something regarding my adolescent and very new to hormones son...he'll be 15 soon.

    Ok here is what happened, last night I was going to jot a funny note down in his journal about how if a mom says it's bed time...it's then time to go to sleep... it was going to be a funny way to get him to go to bed because they catch the bus so early.

    Anyway....when I grabbed his journal he looked mortified and yanked it away saying "you can't read that" "there are things in there that you can't see". So I convinced him I just needed a blank page and that it was just a funny note I wanted to add. Cautiously he conceded.

    I don't ever write in his journal...and it literally was one of those spur of the moment funny moments. But it didn't go that way...anyway he flipped it to a blank page far far away from where he normally writes etc and so I jotted my funny note about going to bed...signed "Mom" and dated it yesterday's date.

    This morning I discovered something...first I have to admit that yes I was a bad mother and read in his journal after I got the kids off to school and got home. I confess that. But, I was worried that something was going on with him, call it intuition because he's had bully's harass him before and kept it to himself when he was younger only to find out months later how he'd been suffering from ridicule. I didn't want him to be holding something like that back again. Anyway...

    Now here is where the dilemma presents itself. In his journal he expresses he thinks he's gay and he goes on to express how depressed he is and doesn't want to talk to his mom or dad for fear they will be disappointed with him etc.

    So I have two hurdles immediately...First I fear for his safety as my mind is whirling with how the world responds to gay people even in this day and time. And Second, I have to find a way to admit I invaded his privacy, right? Or do I wait for him to talk to me?

    We live in Texas now...moved to a progressive area near a big college. But still I fear for my son's future....and we haven't even talked to each other yet. I feel like he has no idea how dangerous it is even in this day and time. People can be so cruel. I wish I could protect him always...I'm afraid and worried for him.

    All I know for certainty is that I love him and nothing will change that. I texted him earlier telling him he was on my mind and I just wanted him to know that I love him very much. He has no clue I read anything. Should I leave it at that? I don't want him feeling invaded. But at the same time...I didn't want to wonder if he was hiding something much worse like that he's suicidal, or experimenting with drugs etc. I didn't expect this but at the same time I'm still uneasy of what to do or how to act next.

    Not sure of what's "next"...

    ~justamom
     
    #1 justamom, Nov 14, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2014
  2. The Virgo

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    First of all i'm glad to hear you love him no matter what. I'd keep the journal thing to myself for the time being shhh.. but when the time comes let him tell you if he's gay or not But reassure him that you and his father both love him no matter what
     
  3. Spartan 117

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    Hi there!

    I understand you're worried, and as I'm not a parent myself, I'm not the best person to advise you! You might want to take a look at this thread which covers similar issues. Greatwhale's advice in this thread is particularly good.

    I think that the best thing you can do for him is to let him know that you love him, and that you'd support him no matter what. Perhaps suggest to him, as subtly as you can manage, that it's okay to be bisexual or gay. I know the prospect of having your son subject to ignorance and discrimination is awful - but remember there are plenty of gay people who have gone on to live happy, successful lives. I have a very happy openly gay friend who lives and works in Texas. As slow as progress seems sometimes, things are getting better all the time for gay people, and it's your son's generation that will benefit from that.

    Usually, the best thing to do is to wait until he's ready to talk to you about this. Remember - he's probably still at a stage where he wants to figure out his sexuality before telling anyone. However, you can still lay the ground work by telling him that you just want him to be happy - and would support him no matter what. After all, if he's gay, he has no choice in the matter! I'm sure as anxious as you are about potential heartache for him in the future, you could never be disappointed by him being who he is. When I was a teenager, I longed to hear those words from my own mother. You sound like a great mom (or as we say here in England, 'mum'!) - try not to worry, with your support he will be okay, no matter what his sexuality.
     
  4. greatwhale

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    Hey justamom, welcome to EC!

    Yes, keep the reading of his journal under wraps, best not to mention it as he will have a very hard time trusting you if this is ever revealed.

    At the moment, create a safe space for him, inform yourself as much as you can about the issues, it is the best way to mitigate your concerns about his safety. In my experience as a father of three adolescents, I can tell you that it's a delicate balance between letting go and protecting them. So be there, be available and ready to drop everything when he needs you.

    Most important, give him the time he needs to figure things out. It's not only his orientation that is occupying his mind...as you said, hormones are raging and he is trying to find out who he is.

    Be sensitive to his dropping hints, he may do that to test the waters. If he does, you may just casually mention this site, EC that you've heard about somewhere...but it depends on context! If after you mention us you are concerned he may read what you wrote here, send a message to the admins and we can remove this thread.

    Best of luck! Who said parenting was easy??
     
  5. SemiCharmedLife

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    If you are in Texas and supportive of the LGBT community, you may want to mention the law that was recently proposed there allowing businesses to refuse to serve customers on religious grounds (which is largely seen as a license to discriminate against LGBT individuals...Campbell Faces Unexpected Opposition on Religious Liberties Bill | Texas Monthly). Bring it up as a discussion point and what you think about it so that he knows you are supportive of LGBT people in general. That may be a good starting point...depending on your political views, that is. Just an idea.
     
  6. Aldrick

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    As others have said, you should not mention that you read his journal. The instinct to read it after that encounter, while completely understandable from a parental perspective, obviously would be seen as a major betrayal of trust from your sons perspective. That is not what you want.

    However, you now have this information, no matter how you got it. How do you act? Well, the best advice that can be given is to give him space. Understand that he is likely still coming to terms with his sexuality, and is trying to develop a measure of self-acceptance. Forcing people out of the closet before they are ready can be harmful, because he might just not be ready to talk about it. Try and picture things from a gay perspective. From the moment your child was born, he was assigned a gender by you and your husband and the rest of society. Along with that gender came certain expected social roles, one of those being heterosexuality. He grew up with the expectation and assumption that he was heterosexual, and as a result he has forged an identity around it. However, the truth of the matter is that he was not straight. As a result, he has to struggle against the social expectations established by the family and society--what they say he SHOULD be--and learn to embrace who he really is on the inside. This is hard, difficult, and frequently painful--but it is a necessary process to arrive at self-acceptance.

    You are likely going through a similar process right now. The expectations of what your sons future would look like have just been radically altered. Your perception of who he is as a person has been altered as well. This is a traumatic thing for you, and it is even more traumatic for him.

    The best course of action you can take as a mother is: First, give him some space--he needs time to sort through his feelings before he is ready to share. Second, create a safe and supportive environment at home. Third, look for conversational opportunities that you can use to provide an opportunity for him to come out.

    What does create a safe space mean? Primarily, it means creating a supportive environment where he feels welcome. It means dealing with homophobic comments uttered by others, such as his siblings (if he has any). It means finding SUBTLE ways to let your support for LGBT people be clear, usually through casual conversation.

    What does it mean to find conversational opportunities? It means look for opportunities to bring up LGBT issues, whether it is a character on a TV show or movie, a song on the radio, something on the news, or some event taking place at his school--those are all opportunities. Seize them. They give you a chance to express your support for LGBT people, but more importantly it is a way that gives your son a chance to "feel you out" to see how safe it would be for him to come out. Obviously, you want to give him plenty of signals that it is okay and safe, and when he is ready he will do it.

    The advantage you have right now is that you know already. You are not going to be caught off guard. You can mentally and emotionally prepare yourself, and be ready to give him your complete support. You are going to be ready for him to come out, and you are going to be ready to make sure that you handle it correctly. When shocked we sometimes do or say things that we might later regret, and this is an issue that you will not face. Trust me when I say, this is a major advantage on your end. The way you respond to his coming out is important, because coming out--especially to parents--means becoming EXTREMELY VULNERABLE. It means fearing and potentially risking total rejection, and to a young kid like your son it is absolutely terrifying. (Hell, even to an adult coming out to parents is usually terrifying.)

    Right now is a good time to focus on yourself--what you are feeling and are going through is important. It is important to sort through your own emotions--particularly the fear and likely also the grief. You want to be able to see the pathway forward with vision unclouded by emotions.

    For example, the fear you have, while it comes from a place of love is counter productive. It is true that your son may encounter bigots in the world. They certainly exist. You know also that you cannot protect him from them. However, you run the risk of sending the wrong message. For example, a message of: beware of what other people think about you, and hide your sexual orientation from others that are not close to you as to avoid getting hurt. You do not want him internalizing a message like that, even if it would make him marginally more safe. The message you want to send is: it is important to be authentic to who you are as a person, no matter what other people might think of you, and you should never live in fear of being yourself--be proud of who you are, because you have nothing to be ashamed of if you are being true to yourself.

    Those are two very different messages. One encourages him to be afraid, and the other encourages him to be courageous. It is always to his advantage to be courageous over fearful--fear will limit him, and while it is true that he might encounter bigots, if he knows how to be confident in who he is he can overcome them.

    I know it may not seem like much, but little things like this matter to a young gay person who is still trying to come to terms with their sexuality. It is, in truth, what we should be teaching EVERY child--gay or straight--but particularly gay children, as we often grow up living in fear of people seeing us for who we really are, and that fear can follow us our entire lives. You do not want this to happen to your son.

    Hopefully my advice has been helpful.
     
  7. justamom

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    I want to say "Thank You" to each of you who've made time to read and respond to me. Each response was oh so wonderful as it resonates with me because each person who responded lived through something similar. And I wonder what might I say to my son in 10 or 20 years looking back. I wonder what might he say to someone like me one day. I hope he's as genuinely helpful and supportive as you've been...but then again I assume he will be. I'm raising a sweet, kind, gentle, young man who has high hopes to succeed in a career and one who genuinely loves when he does love someone. I want happiness and success for him, but most importantly "safe keeping". But I know that in order for a bird to fly it cannot be held in ones hand... I'll help him find his wings no doubt...and he'll know when he soars that I loved him through every bit of it. Maybe you're all right who said I have the upper hand in that I found out before he had to tell me. I'll patiently wait...meanwhile prepping my husband and showing him how to do the same will be my mission. I have a very close relationship with my husband, we are truly best friends. I feel after some time and heartfelt talks...he'll stand beside my son and defend him just as I will.

    Thank you all so very much...I was wrecked with worry about the future all day. You've eased that blow by easing my mind with just how warm and approachable you were as this topic must be near and dear to you as well.

    Thank you

    ~justamom
     
  8. Qu3stions

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    Hi justamom. I just posted yesterday about my 14 year old son (the post that Spartan directed you to).

    I think I might feel similar to you. Reading this supportive feedback and information, even just a day later, has made me feel much more at peace. What is, is. He is who he is, I love him and am proud of him, and he will figure out his own path. Yes, I worry tons about bumps and trauma and misery - but those will happen regardless of sexual orientation. (Does that seem negative?? I don't mean it to be negative! I mean life has ups and downs for everyone!!! As well as joys!!) :slight_smile:

    Best wishes to you!
     
  9. justamom

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    Hello Qu3stions...

    Thank you for replying here. And I'm going to go read your post soon. He's going to be home from school soon...so it'll more than likely be later tonight. But...as time goes by, do you think perhaps we could keep in touch? It would be good to have other moms or dads to talk to as time passes.

    Thank you again...
     
  10. Qu3stions

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    Absolutely! But there are many others on here who are the experts, who have been there - I have more questions than anything.....

    Although it's always kind of nice to connect with people having the same questions, right?
     
  11. Yossarian

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    If you want to find out more about what you need to do as a parent to support him if he indeed does reach the conclusion that he is gay, find the nearest PFLAG organization and use them as an information source as well as a support source for yourself. If he wants to spend time doing things with male friends, give him the privacy to do that without "checking up on him" a lot, as he may be exploring possible relationships to see how he feels about that and will be very self-conscious about what he is doing. Let him stay over with his friends if he wants to, and watch for any signs of stress or changes in attitude.

    After enough time has lapsed so that he doesn't associate it with the diary incident, have Dad talk with him a bit about the "birds and the bees" and how it is normal at this age to have thoughts about people he finds attractive, and mention that most boys his age feel attractions for girls, but add casually that some feel attractions for other boys, which is perfectly ok too, so don't ever tease or bully anyone who does because there is nothing wrong with it if they were born that way. Keep the discussion in the third person, rather than discussing it as though the conversation is about HIM. He needs to know in particular that it is OK with Dad, his male role model, if he should turn out to be one of those guys who feel more comfortable with other men than they do with women, and that Dad is proud of him and loves him, and wants him to feel free to come to him and talk about anything that comes up that bothers him about dating or sex, or using protection if he finds himself in a situation where he is tempted to engage in sex. This is always awkward, but may be easier if it is done as a guy-to-guy sort of thing instead of a father to son sort of thing. If he has questions, be prepared to answer them without being judgmental about anything he says.

    Get a stash of condoms (so he doesn't have to go through the embarrassment of purchasing them), give them TO him to keep and tell him that you are not encouraging him to go out and have sex, but that if he does, you want him to be responsible and safe and know how to use the condoms. Tell him that you aren't going to keep track or count of them, because you want him to use as many of them as he needs to practice putting them on to learn how to use them correctly, and when he needs more, just put the empty box in a specific place in Dad's room or office and you will get more for him without mentioning it to Mom or anyone else. Explain that they are for protecting both him and the person he may be having sex with some day from transferring diseases or fluids back and forth, which is more important than being embarrassed about talking about these things or using them. Assure him that he can always come to you and talk about anything about sex without having to feel awkward about it, because you remember how awkward it was for you at his age when your Dad didn't explain any of this stuff to you, and you don't want him to feel embarrassed if the other guys talk about sexual things and he feels like the only person who doesn't know about them. Give him some books on "safe sex" which include information on gay sex, but preferably not exclusively on gay sex, so he can explore privately in more depth at his own pace.

    Also mention that it is OK for him to bring his friends to the house if they are dating or just friends hanging out together, whether it is boys or girls he is hanging out with, as long as he lets you know when they are there in the house, and if it is OK with their parents for them to be there, so he doesn't have to hide who he is seeing from you. This might include someone "staying over" on some occasions, with the other parents permission and knowledge, so you might want think about some house rules for those occasions in advance.

    The main thing to get across is that you love him just as he is, that you want him to be successful and happy, and that he can always come to you and tell you anything he is concerned about without getting scolded or admonished. Then hug him real tight and long, so he knows you mean it.
     
  12. Burnedcloset

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    I would just like to say,

    You seem like a great mom. You do have the upper hand right now like everyone has said.