Please help! Gay/Aspergers son jumping the gun

Rather than simply approaching him with your concerns, why not approach him with honest and sincere questions? As a nineteen year old, he is legally an adult, and there is not much you can do to stop him. Despite being a LEGAL adult, he is still a teenager--so coming on too strongly could actually have the opposite effect of what you desire. Sometimes a light touch and gentle guidance is better than a heavy hand.

Rather than having a "talk" with your son, ask him how things are going. Show that you are happy that he is in a relationship, and are glad that he is meeting people. Then actually listen to what he has to say--listen very closely. It is likely that as you just have a casual conversation about his life and his relationship, he is going to leave subtle clues about concerns he might be having. When you catch one of those clues, just draw attention to it by asking a question. If you have trouble there, draw upon your own life experiences, for example: "When your father and I first moved in together... <blah...blah...blah...> So if you are planning to move in with him, have you both discussed how the bills will be paid?"

Right now, your son is floating high on love chemicals in the brain. As a result, he likely is not planning that far out ahead, and he is just taking big leaps. Help him see the details he is overlooking, by drawing attention to them.

The good thing about hiding your concerns in the form of a question, is that it does not feel like you are TELLING him what to think or do. You are just asking a simple question. By doing it this way, he is going to have the sense that HE is the one making the decisions. He is going to feel like these are his choices, even though you sort of gently guided him in the right direction.

My primary concern with having a formal "talk" with him is that he is simply going to get angry with you, and that any legitimate concerns you bring up are going to fall on deaf ears. When dealing with sticky situations like this, the indirect and subtle way is always the best.

...and of course, your son is going to make mistakes. You cannot shield him from life. He is going to have good relationships and bad relationships, and hopefully his bad relationships will teach him the necessary lessons he needs to know in order to make the good relationships even better. Making mistakes is just part of growing up and life in general.

 

I agree with Aldrick, your son will make mistakes. Those mistakes will break his heart. They may hurt his bank account. But he will make them. He will have fantastic relationships, and ones that are less so. It's part of growing up.

Being gay can be, and can seem, quite lonely. When you're 19 and have the world ahead of you, finding someone you click with, is amazing.

You may want to sit him down and ask him about the situation. Try to talk through it, but don't try to dominate the conversation. Hopefully he'll decide what is right for him, and hopefully that decision will be the one you want. But be prepared that it may not be. He's 19. If he decides to go through with this, there's not much you can do. Just be there if and when things fall through, just like with any kid.

I don't have a crystal ball, but I hope everything works out .

 

At the end of the day, there isn't a lot you can do to shield your son from relationships and associated pain. You can, and should, explain and talk about what he's getting into. Discuss supports for his relationship, like mental health resources as required, and LISTEN, because he may have a lot to talk about. With aspergers, it's especially important, since he's going to have difficulty concisely and clearly articulating his own feelings.

If he does pursue the relationship, it may not work out, and it may end poorly. As a parent, make sure that's it is clear that you are there to support your son. If he falls hard, and is in significant trouble, he needs to know he always has someone to turn to - you.

Also, the very nature of online relationships is scary. But, if your son wants it, you would be surprised. My best friend through highschool had an online, long distance relationship, and I never expected it to work out. It's lasted for 3 years, and at the current stage, her and her boyfriend live together, with him working, and her in university. The amount both of them have grown is very impressive, and I suspect their relationship will grow into marriage. The difference here: She hid her relationship for a year and a half from her parents! You are very fortunate to have a good relationship with your son, and I hope you capitalize on it!

You may want to stress that your son needs to focus on school, and getting into post secondary for a good future and career, depending on what his goals/abilities are. It may turn out that his boyfriend is a major source to stress for him, and you may find yourself helping your son to find solutions for his boyfriend. I would let him make the decisions, but offering input with strengthen a lot of his communication skills, and help him in his relationships now and later.

Reflective listening may help you in these conversations with your son;
Reflective listening - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

As the brother of someone with Asperger's, it is a lot different than dealing with someone who is 19 with higher emotional intelligence. I am not in any way trying to malign someone with the condition; it is just the facts. I fully support my brother, but I have seen the challenges he faces.

I would first ask, how independent is your son? Can he drive? Does he setup medical appointments and schedule his day? Has he made poor decisions regarding relationships in the past(platonic)? Everyone is not the same on the spectrum, and this is why I ask. I would worry about your son if I was a parent too. Does your son face depression and suicidal tendencies himself?

 

hey turtlemom, i know what its like to deal with people that have autizm and other disorders like it because i have a cousin that is a mute autistic. like others have said just guid him slowly and try not to be assertive, and try to act ( in future situations) genuinly intrested and curious. whenever i speak (or sign speek) with my little cousin i always try to just ask him questions and find out what he means, wants, or needs.

 

You've done a great job in communicating with him. I'm glad that you caught him at the right time and that you are both on the same page. This is the best thing that you can do is let your child express his feelings because they may change or he wasn't able to explain himself as well as he had hoped. Bravo.

 

People with Asperger's just want to be able to express themselves in their own way, without allistic people interfering. How would I know?

I have Asperger's, and I know that I have questioned myself for the longest time. First, my religion, then my gender, and, lastly, my orientation.

He will find out, in one way or another, that he is, or is not, gay. Just encourage relationships closer to home instead of ones between countries--contact initiation between Aspies and the world is crucial. Whether the person is male, female, or something else, it is imperative that social interaction is face-to-face whenever possible.

This is why my parents will not let me have online relationships, at least, not until I am old enough to move away.

I'll check back here later tomorrow; it is past my allotted time.

 

This is solid advice.

In addition, I would say invite a few people over for a birthday party or maybe a holiday gift exchange from the GSA.

 

Turlemom, from one mother to another we want to protect our children no matter what they age is. Honestly I know online dating seems to be the big thing now but it scares me. How long have they been dating? How well do you know this man? I don't mean to scare you but honestly I wouldn't like it if it were my son, The bad thing is, is you can only tell him what you think and how you feel, he probably is going to do what he wants anyways (I know because I have one about the same age lol) Have you talked to both him and his partner together? This is the hard part of being a parent is we have to let them make mistakes on there own which is very very hard.

 

As your son is just about to break into the new world of adulthood and free will. He WILL make mistakes. He will make many mistakes like everyone else including you. As a parent all you can do is to guide them on a path from the moment when they were born. There were struggles and hardships. But at the end of the day you made the big decisions. But tommorow he will now make his own decisions. He will learn from them. But teach him and make him understand whatever he wants to do. He needs to own up to it and not blame anyone. I am also saying this to not blame yourself if anything goes wrong. You are not responsible for his entire life. You are a parent not a puppeteer. If he falls make sure you are there to catch him. That is the best thing any parent can do.