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Need advice really bad

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by worried67, Nov 18, 2014.

  1. worried67

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    My 20 year old son came out to me a couple of months ago, I can say honestly I was not surprised at all. He asked me if I was mad and I told him no that I love him no matter what. At first he said he did not want his father to know and I told him he is going to have to tell his father soon. So now comes dad finding out. My son decided he wanted me to be the one to tell his dad so I tell his dad when my son is not around. Needles to say my husband has gone though alot of emotions over the past week, sad, mad etc.... Actually he did not react as bad as I thought he would. I told my husband to let me tell my son that he knew before my husband talked to him. So I tell my son that his father knows and my son wanted to know what his reaction was so I told him the truth. I said that dad was not to happy right now and is going through alot of emotions that I feel are very normal and I told him that his dad wants to talk to him. Ever since my son has been avoiding my husband. When he is home he locks himself in his room. On sunday I tried to get him out of his room and he did not want to talk to us. Monday morning when he left for school I was the only one up and he was acting normal. Last night after school he went to a friends and I texted him because he was not ansering his phone that I would like him to come home and he said he did not want to that he feels uncomfortable. I told him we both love him very much and he said he did not think so. The more he avoids my husband the madder my husband is getting. I am worried sick for my son. I told him I want to talk this out as a family, I want to know what he is going through. I want to help him. I am sick with worry, should I just leave him be for now or should I push the issue? I'm afraid to let my husband take charge of this because I want NO anger in this conversation. Please any advice.
     
  2. PositivelyMe

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    I get why you want them to talk, but you have to consider how your son is feeling. He confided in you and asked you to tell his father because he was afraid of how he would react, and your husband has reacted in a negative way-he's angry. While that's normal and happens often, it's still terrifying for your son; it probably feels as if the people who should love him most are unsupportive.

    You should say that you guys need to talk, but let him set the ground rules. If he wants someone supportive there, like a friend or someone he confides in, let him. Don't let your husband yell or express anger during the conversation. Reiterate that you love your child.
     
  3. The Virgo

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    Coming out isnt easy thing to do, It sounds like you're son is afraid of what would happen after coming out to the family. Give him sometime i wouldn't push him into talking about it just yet. And make sure you're husband is chilled and clam when you all have a talk together.
     
  4. worried67

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    positivelyme thank you for your response. Oh believe me I will not let my husband yell. The problem is the more my son avoids him the madder he is getting. I had a long talk with him last night and told him this is not easy for anyone but I realize this is the hardest for my son. I'm glad my son has friends to talk to. I'm just so worried on what is going though is head. He told my other son about this years ago and he has excepted this so he also has him to go to as well. I guess I'm just so worried about him.

    ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2014 at 09:13 AM ----------

    The Virgo, thanks for your input. I was wondering the same thing. Just let dad chill and get used to the idea because it is not going away.
     
  5. turtlemom

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    Hi worried67, Im a mom and our now 19 yr old son came out to us last yr. My husband is a very loving dad, he is the bomb!!!!!!!! And he even had a hard time and has never been "against" gay people or anyone. I was scared out of my mind after I told my husband because he got real quiet and was angry. Oh and keep in mind, my husband is a very even tempored person, very laid back and has a great sense of humor. People really like him, he is like a big teddybear. I hope you got the pic. Ok, so I was freaked out. I called my close friend and was crying almost hysterically, repeating over and over Im scared! It was horrible for me. My husband ended up going to a very good therapist through his work I think about after a week. Then I went with him too. This therapist was so clever it was almost comical, meaning whenever he asked us something clever all we could do was grin because he was sooooo right! Our son wasnt ill and dying, he was still the same person, nothing was different. He was the same as he had always been. It was just that we found out he was gay thats all. Then I did some reading and discovered it was normal to go through a grieving process. Even though we both were excepting of it, it doesnt matter. I think for my husband he was more worried about how this would affect our sons life and where did he (my husband) go wrong. It was ridiculous but at the time very normal reaction for my husband. I even did that right at first, I thought maybe I confused our son some how. You see, he has Aspergers (high functioning Autism). So of course my husband and I thought right at first that he was confused. I thought it for a couple of days and asked my son about it but was convinced after 2 talks or so that he wasnt confused. I went through the process real quick in many ways and it took my husband longer. Thats why we both went to a therapist. So I think the process took a good month before it started to smooth over and I think after about 3 months it was very back to normal. Please please have your husband go to a therapist just for a while like maybe once a week for the first month. I can share much more with you if you would like at any time. Just contact me. I wish your family the very best. (*hug*)
     
  6. Chip

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    Hi,

    I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. It's one of those "pit-in-the-stomach" things that's near constant, at least it would be for me. At the same time, I know it will resolve positively, because your husband and son both care for each other, and that will ultimately win out over the feelings going on now.

    You need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband and invoke empathy. Ask him to imagine how he'd feel if he'd been harboring a secret that he was scared his parents wouldn't want to hear, and that he'd be judged for it... and how he'd feel if someone he deeply loves and cares for responds with anger.

    At the same time, recognize that your husband's increasing anger comes from his own shame. The initial response, for most fathers, to a son coming out, is to blame themselves and feel (whether they admit it or not) that somehow they've done something wrong and failed their son. That causes incredible shame. The next step is for the father to want to try and make amends. If the son then blocks the attempt at empathy, the father feels even more powerless... creating more sense that he's failed, and is failing, and creating more shame.

    So the hard part here is... your husband needs to first own that he hasn't done anything wrong and that this isn't his fault, and to understand and own his own shame over the situation. That's hard because it requires vulnerability... admitting that he even feels inadequate is very difficult for most men. But it is key to restoring this relationship.

    You might also explain, both to your son and your husband, the 5 stages of loss (in this case, loss of perception your son is straight.) They are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Your son has had probably years to go through the stages; your husband (and you) are just processing this, and it can take 5 minutes, but more commonly it takes weeks or sometimes months to fully process.

    Your son takes the anger as rejection, which, in turn, fuels his own shame. If that's explained to him, and, also, the shame and processing of the stages your husband is going through are explained, it may help him better understand, particularly if you remind him that it probably took him some time to accept himself.

    Honestly, as difficult as it sounds, in this circumstance, I suspect that with a conversation like the above, you can go a huge part of the distance toward resolving this.

    Please keep us in the loop.
     
  7. worried67

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    Thank you all, I am starting to feel a little better just hearing your input. It's funny because my 16 year old son said to me the other day, you both just have to except it and move on because he can't help it. I feel I have excepted it, now it's just dealing with the relationship between my husband and son which has never been the greatest in the first place. So glad I found this forum
     
  8. kumawool

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    Your husband needs to grow up. He can't arbitrarily be upset over things like this. If your son said, "Mom, I need you to tell dad I have blue eyes. I've been frightened of his reaction, so I've been wearing green contacts my entire life", and his reaction was one of depression and rage, you'd likely think he was delusional.

    Your son was scared because he knew your husband would react like this. His reaction is perpetrating the cycle.

    He needs the clear facts about what it means to be gay, and how he as a parent can support your son. Quite possibly, your family may need family counselling if he can't get over it.

    Here are some resources your husband (and perhaps yourself!) may use,

    What TO DO, and what NOT to do as the family member of a gay person:
    PFLAG National

    Stories like your own:
    PFLAG National

    Frequently asked questions about sexuality:
    PFLAG National

    Books for gay parents:
    PFLAG National

    The straight for equality movement:
    Home Page - Straight For Equality

    A less official resource, but explains so many different things, including the history of gay persons. I've simply linked you directly to the coming out page:
    http://www.stop-homophobia.com/comingout.htm


    Your transition isn't going to be an easy one, as it seems your husband for whatever reason has a lot of emotion connected to this issue. He may fear being wrong about fundamental issues about life and God, and be unwilling to face that. This is an excellent time to play the "woman is always right in a relationship" card, because while that expression isn't right, in this case you are.

    It will be healthier for you, your husband, and your son if you move on as a loving and supporting family. (*hugs*)
     
    #8 kumawool, Nov 18, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2014
  9. worried67

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    Thank you. I honestly think he will get over this, it is just fresh right now and needs to be absorbed as my son needs to absorb that his father knows.
     
  10. PositivelyMe

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    I wouldn't want to talk to your husband either right now, by the sounds of it. See if you can get him to go to a PFLAG meeting or something similar-he can ask any questions he may have and hear from other parents who have been through a similar situation.
     
  11. kumawool

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    Good... try the resources. You know your husband better than I, I'm sure you can work with him.

    It's hard for me to comprehend how people can feel that way :eusa_doh: , but I come from a different time and generation, and maybe I don't credit the life your husband is from enough.

    It sounds like he's making effort, even though it's hard for him. Hopefully he becomes comfortable with the issue soon; and your family looks like this: (&&&)
     
  12. worried67

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    Ok so last night my son came home from work (I was glad he came home) and my husband was sitting right there and say Hi and my son walked right past him and went right to his room. So I went to my son's room and demanded he let me in. I was firm but not yelling. So he let me in and I told him I really wanted us to talk as a family and he said he can't, that there was nothing to talk about and he felt uncomfortable discussing any of it. I did not push the issue at all. I said OK I love you more then anything and he said I love you too! Now my I can see my husband is really hurt which is causing the anger in my husband that my son will not face him. Now this morning my son tells me he needs some work done on is car and he usually goes to his dad for something like this so I told him he needs to go to his father with this issue. So I'm hoping this gets the ball rolling.
     
  13. Chip

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    Have you had the conversation with your husband and your son talking about the issues and each others' perspective? It's unlikely to change unless that happens, because I doubt either of them are thinking about and realizing what the other is feeling and why.

    Your son is being a bit unreasonable, but your husband needs to let go of his anger and understand *why* your son is upset if things are going to change any time soon.
     
  14. worried67

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    Yes I totally agree with this. The problem is they are both stubborn, they always have been and guess who is stuck right in the middle? I do feel that my son just has this OH WELL attitude, just except it and move on! Not realizing that this does effect all of us. And my husband has this attitude "if he doesn't want to talk then fine!!" Even though my son is a adult I do still feel that he is the parent here and should bend a little bit more however my son just won't let him in. This is very frustrating.
     
  15. Aldrick

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    I am not sure how much I can help or even add, but let me see what I can do.

    At the moment, your sons feelings are understandable. It may seem unreasonable, but really your son is afraid of getting hurt by his father. So, if he does not speak about it then he likely hopes it will go away--of course it won't, but avoidance is normal when people feel anxiety and fear. Your son is also hurt that his father was not on board immediately.

    Even though it is completely normal, even for 100% pro-LGBT parents, to struggle with their emotions over learning their child is gay--it does not change the pain involved. Basically, your son is sharing something that makes him feel really vulnerable. It is probably something he has spent years hiding, and living in fear about. He is likely so incredibly sensitive to even the tiniest thing, that he cannot even be rational.

    It is also likely true that you pushed your son out faster than he was ready to come out. He came out to you, and "he did not want his father to know, and [you] told him he is going to have to tell his father soon." He was afraid to do it, so you did it for him. His father took it poorly. You told him that his father took it poorly. Now he is afraid to confront him, because he is fearful that his father will hurt him (emotionally).

    I really cannot stress to you enough how sensitive your son likely is right now. In his minds eye, he is likely picturing your family disintegrating, his father rejecting him, and him being tossed out like a piece of garbage. This is what your son fears the most right now. All he wants to hear from his father is: "I love you, I accept you no matter what, and we are going to stand beside you moving forward. I am sorry if you had any doubts about that." That is it and nothing more.

    Your husband on the other hand, he is using you as a middle person. He is basically leaving it up to you to try and fix things. No. You cannot fix things. He has to take initiative on his own, and tell his son he loves and supports him. If he cannot say that, then let me be clear: You should be doing everything in your power to keep your son from talking to his father.

    The last thing you want is for your son to have a bad encounter with his father, because let me tell you--the way your husband reacts is going to be painted in your sons mind for the rest of his life. This is one of those delicate moments, that if you fuck it up, you do not get a second chance. It can set the tone for how things are moving forward, and it can honestly destroy and ruin relationships.

    My advice to you is to stop trying to encourage your son to speak to his father. You should instead go to your husband, tell him it is time to put his daddy pants on, put his stubborn pride aside, and go to his son himself. Do not let him sit on the sidelines and wait. It is not a situation of who is right and who is wrong, or whose feelings are hurt--it is a situation where a father needs to step up and go to his son who is fearful and in pain that his father is potentially going to reject him.

    Once your husband is there, he should just say something like, "Can we talk? I just want you to know that I love you, and I am sorry that I gave you any doubts in that. I just want to talk." I am pretty sure that if your husband goes to him, speaks those words or something close to it, and sincerely means them then your son is going to speak to him.

    But unless that happens you are going to live in tension city. Your son is going to avoid him at every opportunity, because he is trying to avoid getting hurt.

    If your husband is not the first to move, then I am concerned that when things do finally come to a head (and they will eventually) that it will be ugly and explosive. Hurtful things that cannot be taken back will be said.

    On the other hand, if your husband is not emotionally in a place where he can genuinely tell his son that he loves him no matter what, and that he accepts him--then it falls on your shoulders to do what is necessary to get your husband in the right emotional place he needs to be in order to have that conversation. Because that conversation is not going to end well if your husband cannot genuinely tell his son that he loves and accepts him no matter what--forcing that conversation will be bad.
     
  16. resu

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    You can bring a horse to water...

    My opinion is that you talk to your husband and answer all his questions, finding out what he's so upset about. The fact is that homophobia is a learned behavior, unlike the biological reality of homosexuality. He can learn to love his (your) son, but he needs help. Make sure he, and your son, don't avoid the conflict because that will only increase anxiety. You might even try getting them to discuss in writing so they have time to choose their words carefully. Don't let the ball stop rolling, and good luck!
     
  17. Aldrick

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    Resu offers a good point, which I forgot to bring up. If your husband struggles with words, then have him write a short letter or note to your son and leave it for your son to find.
     
  18. worried67

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    Thank you. Please Keep in mind that my son did mention to me that he wanted me to tell his father and please keep in mind that for months it ate me alive keeping a secret from my husband of 21 years so that was not easy either. When my son said he wanted me to tell his father I still could not get the words out of my mouth so how this came to a head was my husband asked me if I ever questioned my sons sexual preference so that opened the door.

    ---------- Post added 20th Nov 2014 at 06:30 AM ----------

    Thank for your input, Please try to understand it is now easy hearing that our child is gay I know why he is upset. I was not easy for me either but I handled it better
     
  19. Aldrick

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    worried67 -

    Where is your husband at right now, mentally and emotionally? Is he at least opening up and talking to you? It is important that he talks about what he is feeling and what he is thinking, and it is important that you share your initial feelings and how they have changed. This way he understands that you were at one point where he is at right now, and as a result you can help him get through it to the other side.

    You want to find you both are in a position to offer love, support, and acceptance to your son. Because, right now he is frightened and scared. All he likely wants right now is for everything to go back to normal, and for it to be as if he had never come out of the closet at all.

    I would not be shocked that you might find that, after all the conversations happen and things get smoothed over, that he might not want to talk about his sexuality at all. We can cross that bridge when we get there, though. Right now, let us focus on your husband getting him to where he needs to be--where you are at right now. You want both of you to be on the same page, so you can work together as a team to deal with issues that might arise.
     
  20. OnTheHighway

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    This is probably none of my business, but as a parent, I would not have agreed to put myself in the middle between your Son and your husband. Your son had the courage to tell you, which means he has courage and conviction. To then let him hide behind you and leave you to talk to your husband, from my perceptive, only hurts the communication and healing process further.