14 year old son came out and nobody saw it coming

Well i'm not a parent yet but i have come out before to a parent. I think your son may be bisexual but lean more towards the male gender than female. I wouldn't drill him for answering things anymore after coming out no matter who you come out to is a very scary thing. With him still being young its like going to war. Take things slow with him always remind him that you his father and family love him no matter what.


His at a very troubling stage where suicide numbers are very high and just coming out doesn't bring his number down. It may take sometime for him to open more up to you about what he likes just let him take his own time to tell you.And if you don't believe him just push those feelings aside and be there for your son

 

In regards to the sexuality if your son, firstly I suggest letting him figure that out, don't attempt to decipher if he's gay or bi I'd say. My mom did that and it alienated her from my outing process for about 2 years. Now I would say that if you want to know out of curiosity, this would be a good resource

Kinsey scale - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

But in the end he knows best.

As far as the masculinity of your son, that doesn't mean much. I am a kinsey 6 and I have to wear a pride bracelet, otherwise nobody knows I'm gay. I do guy things, play sports, sit around with friends playing video games lol, gender and sexuality are very different. Don't feel bad about not knowing, the society we live in today makes homosexuality seem like something to be fixed or made fun of. A lot of us (me included) became very good at hiding the fact.

There is a huge difference between making the statement and knowing "I'm gay" and experimenting when you're young. My sister and mom both told me they had experiences with the same sex, almost everyone does. But that is not the same as knowing for a fact that you're attracted to both sexes. I've been attracted to boys since before I knew what gay was. However, I only realized what I was feeling all along when I fell in love with my best friend. But sexuality can be fluid, as my signature says, just love who you want yo love and be happy. If he wants to identify as gay, that is what he is comfortable with, and that is what matters right?

Just be supportive and loving and don't hesitate to ask us questions on EC, we all love supportive family members.

---------- Post added 14th Dec 2014 at 09:43 AM ----------

Oh, and certainly don't argue with him about it, or let others do so. That's a personal recommendation. For one that hurts a lot, and two it's just not something anyone knows better than your son.

 

My mother had no idea. She had in fact thought that my straight- as- a- nail best friend was. So I think that it isn't that uncommon for parents not to know. I'm so glad you're ok with it. So many people have parents who reject them.

 

My whole entire family has no idea that I only like women :lol: I know what it's like to get a shocked reaction! I love the reactions but it also saddens me.

I am very glad that you accept your son.. As for him believing you don't accept him just prove to him that you do by treating him absolutely no different. I hope everything goes well! Good luck!

 

My post seemed kind of angry but it wasn't at all. Just honest advice from personal experience. Thank you for being supportive of your son.

 

I'll echo what Chip said, and it sounds like you're an absolutely amazing parent, and to be commended for reaching out for help. I know that it's not easy to do, even in an anonymous forum like this one.

One thing that I think is important is to believe your son no matter what. The previous poster that said that your son may be bi may or may not be correct, but forcing that idea on him now would be destructive to his mental health. If he says that he's gay, then he is gay - end of story. If that changes tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year, that's fine. Allowing him the space to explore this for himself is one of the most positive and productive things that you can do right now. Make him comfortable bringing home a boyfriend and introducing him to you.

Being gay is but one small part of who your son is, but a very important one to him right now, and validating both the importance of that identity to him right now and allowing him to explore it for himself are critically important at this formative stage of his development.

We're always here, I'm sure that you'll find that the EC community is very accepting and non-judgemental. You may also want to refer your son here, we strive to create a safe space for all people to explore their sexuality!

Keep up the good work!

 

There are a lot of parents who don't know, and the ones that did were probably relying on stereotypes to figure it out which doesn't always work. There are very masculine manly gay men, and very very feminine straight men in the world. A lot of gay men have had girlfriends at one point since It's expected of them, and many had 'been in love' with them due to emotional attachment.

Usually when someone comes out as gay, they're telling the truth. I don't think any guy would ever say so to get attention since gay men are at higher risk of murder and physical abuse, as well as being disowned. It's very scary to come out.

I don't think you've done anything wrong though, and It seems like you'll accept him even if you were a bit confused at first.

Good luck!

 

Don't beat yourself up over being surprised. I think even those like me who maybe had an inkling (my son is 12) still were surprised to actually hear it.

My one bit of advice to you comes from my own experience. I peppered my son with questions because I was worried about him. How did people treat him? Was he being bullied? Had he had any experience with boys?

It drove him nuts and he just stopped talking to me about it for a couple of months. Needless to say, these 2 months were really hard on me! LOL! However, once I backed off he became much more open.

Now, he talks freely about his crushes and feelings and he says he knows that I was just worried about him. But, I wish I had been able to control my questions.

 

this is so absolutely true!!! I wear pink shirts, pink or rainbow socks, carry a Hello Kitty pink wallet, and people still don't connect it to me being gay. I just act like a normal guy, which is what I am, I am not effeminate (and I'm fine with friends who are, it's just not who I am). Personally, I would be happier if people realized it more readily, but if I don't flat out tell someone I'm gay, they just don't seem to get it. I guess folks just assume a lot of things. I don't think how masculine or feminine someone is matters much, if they are comfortable with who they are.

 

If your son says he's gay, then yeah he's gay. It's not a conclusion that people come to lightly, and you should believe him completely.

Anyway to address one question you asked:

No, it doesn't. Don't try to look at sexuality as being black or white, instead look at it as a sort of scale or heck percentage. You'll find guys coming out of decade long marriages and admitting they're gay, you'll find long term relationships, you'll find gay guys that have slept with girls and you'll find guys that say they've never had any sort of attraction for girls. If he's attracted enough to girls then yeah he'd say he's bi. But he didn't, he said he's gay, which means he's not attracted to them enough to be bi.

ALSO chances are he might just be telling you that because you sort of rejected it when he told you. Well you never rejected it, but I can't think of a better word there.

And finally, him being masculine doesn't change anything really. Chances are you've met far more masculine gay guys than you realise, it's just you don't notice them. Your son for example.

 

I just want to echo this myself. I know that the statistics are troubling, but LGBT youth are not succeptible to these things because they're gay. They're succeptible to these things because of the fear of the sort of bad reactions they might get when people know, or the stress of keeping this part of their identity a secret.

For a long time I was prone to self-injury, and for a while after I'd "recovered" I did do drugs and drink alcohol frequently. But that was in the past, before I started to develop a support system. Having people around me support me and tell me that I'm okay helps immeasurably. Many of them were entirely surprised, but still supportive. I'm still not out with my family, because I still can't shake that fear of rejection. But having their support, especially my parent's support, would mean the world to me.

 

I'd like to say that my parents were beyond clueless, but they thought that one of my straight buddies was gay because they have longer hair and are...eccentric. Not feminine, really, just essentric. So like me, the confusion goes both ways.

 

Hello Yankee82, Im a mom and our 19 yr old son came out to us about a yr a go. We had no idea either. He also has Aspergers, its considered mild. Its common that Aspies can struggle a bit more with sexual identity, but people without it do as well. So you can imagine our concern wheather or not he was confused. Well he wasnt confused at all. He looks like a typical straight guy and always had plenty of friends that are straight. Im sure if there were more gay guys around then he would be friends with them too. All of his straight guy friends are just fine with him being gay. In fact one of his friends went to a school dance with him and another straight guy friend went to prom with him and danced with him ha. All is good! I know you guys will be just fine too.

 

Hi Yankee82
It is not uncommon not to have a clue that a person is gay.
When I came out to my youngest brother he was completely stunned and shocked, (we are a VERRY close family). I became a black belt in a full contact marshal art, now I compete at a high level in a different sport. My club wants me to represent my country internationally. I'm telling you this so that you will forget the gay stereotypes and realize that anyone you meet could be gay. I remember when I came out to my sister, she knew a lot of gay people but never thought I was one. By way of explanation I told her that about 10% of the population are gay, so every time you see a group of more than 10 men whether they are fishermen, farmers or footballers, at least one of them is probably gay.
From meeting and reading posts of young people, 90% of will be "cool" about being gay. Most of them cannot get their head around the stigma of being gay. So I would not worry too much about how his palls will take it, he will probably get more hassle from people of my age.
I know it will take you a while for you to get your head around it, but if you were willing to come on to a discussion forum "for us gay queens" your willingness to learn tells me that you will come to terms with it quicker than most. I think he is lucky to have you as a mom.

 

YES!!!!!!! This is SO true! I drank excessively and got drunk from the time I was a teenager until I was in my early 40's. It was all about "the fear of the sort of bad reactions" and "the stress of keeping the secret". Then I got into AA, both because I figured that my history of alcohol abuse earned me a seat there; and because it was easier for me to tell people that I was an alcoholic, than to say I was gay. After getting my ten year chip, I moved over to ACOA for a while. But the problem with these programs is that if you follow them closely and do what they tell you to do, you get more and more honest with yourself. And so for me, the real kicker was that getting more honest made me admit that my foundational problem was living the lie, and not admitting that I was gay. I did my fourth step, which is really about getting honest, with a very openly gay man, with whom I felt more comfortable telling the whole story of my life. Wow, OMG, I didn't think about that, but I guess the fact is that I came out to him, way back in 1999. I guess I've come out to more people than I realize. Anyway, I've gotten WAY off topic. But the fact is that what Clockworkfox and others said is so true. The problem of alcoholism, drugs, and affective disorders is higher for gay youth not because they're gay, but because they're not accepted, or fear that they won't be accepted. So, with a gay child, trying to deny the gayness makes it worse; and accepting them as they are, with a heart exploding with love, makes things better! (!)