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Daughter came out as pansexual

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Dreizehn, Jan 6, 2015.

  1. Dreizehn

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    Hello,

    My daughter, a young teen, just came out as pansexual to her classmates in her very small school. They have all been supportive thus far, thankfully! I would like to be as supportive of her as possible and am hoping for advice as well as resources that go more in depth than what I'm seeing and are geared toward supportive and relatively knowledgeable parents. Things I have concerns about:

    1. Safety: Should or should I not discuss safety with her with regard to how open she is about her sexuality? I don't want her to feel like I want to control where/with whom she discusses it. At the same time, I don't know how safe it is for her to be out in various contexts. Is there general advice on this anywhere? What is a good way to talk about it with her? I want all decisions to be hers, and really just to give her information from which she can draw her own conclusions.

    2. She'll be starting a new school in the fall. Any advice on that? (I'm not even sure what to ask about it.) I think she will continue to be supported in her current school. There is a group for LGBT+ youth at the new school.

    3. She is 13, so information regarding supporting kids of that age who are coming out would also be helpful, if you think age matters much here.

    Thank you!
     
  2. SensesFailX

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    1. You should probably discuss safety depending on how intolerant the environment, but she probably already knows the risks and who is supportive and who isn't. Statistics show physical violence against lgbt girls/women is exponentially lower that against lgbt boys/men but you never know how someone could react. Just give her a reminder to be cautious.

    2. It's good that theres an LGBT group at her new school and possibly encourage her to join it if she's interested. She'll probably make her own decision who to come out to there based on the situation.

    3. Age doesn't matter overly much, just treat her like an adult who knows how she feels and in all likelihood probably won't change.

    On a last note its great that there are moms like you that support their daughter. A lot of people wouldn't and its awesome of you to do so.

    Hope that helped!
     
  3. Chiroptera

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    Yohoo, another great mom! Congratulations on accepting your daughter :slight_smile:

    I agree with SensesFailX.

    About her age, it isn't more different than a straight teen. Treat her normally (because she is normal).

    About safety, talk to her about it, but listen to her thoughts about it. It is important to be cautious, but within reason, of course.

    The best thing to do is talking. Tell her (if you haven't) that you support her, and that she may trust you if she needs to talk.

    Congratz again
     
  4. This situation matches mine to almost a T. I came out to my parents as pansexual at 14.

    1) My parents & I discussed safety together when I was 16 & came out as a lesbian. My father was more worried than my mother about safety. Tell her that while her friends & family are supportive of her, not everybody will be. Employers, teachers, strangers could try to harm her or discriminate against her. Let her know that those people are ignorant hate mongers. Also let her know to be careful who she shares this important aspect of her life with. Also just give her basic safety rules (ie. always be aware of her surroundings.)

    2) HAVE HER JOIN THE GROUP! It could be very beneficial for her to be around like minded adults & peers. Also, the group should be able to give her any resources she may need.

    3) In regards to her age, be prepared for confusion and a fluctuation in her identity. I came out of the closet twice in regards to my sexual orientation (once as pansexual, then again as a lesbian.) Also, don't tell her that it's "just a phase" or that she's "doing it for attention." My mother said things like this to me and it drove me away from her for years.

    You sound like a great mom. She's lucky to have you. Kudos for wanting to educate yourself on this. Best of luck to you and your family.
     
  5. SwimScotty

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    On the safety thing, I would say to make sure she considers when and with whom she discusses it. She needs to know, however sad it is, that people can and probably will try to find a way to use her sexuality against her. I really wish that this was not the case, but it is, and sometimes kids don't realize that when they're coming out. I'm 17 and I'm not completely out because it could have repercussions at my job (I'm a lifeguard at a college pool and a Cub Scout camp over the summer). I wish I could just be open about it and not have to worry that some swimmer who gets upset with me (20-y/o college students don't always like to listen to 17-y/o lifeguards) will go to my boss and tell him that I'm acting inappropriately, but that's something I would have to worry about if I were out at work. Just make sure she evaluates the situation carefully before making that knowledge public, because even though we live in a supposedly enlightened world, there are still people who will take it and use it maliciously.

    As for her age, Christian is right. Expect changes. Expect uncertainty. Be ready for her to come up to you in the future and possibly come out again as a different orientation. It happens. Again, make sure you're supportive and that she knows she can come to you if she needs to.

    I wish her the best of fortune, and you as well!
     
  6. OOC73

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    I think all the advice you have been given is great. The only thing I would add is that as far as the safety aspect goes - she's 13. It's part of your job to make sure she's safe, and you can approach this from that angle. Just like all personal information, it should only be shared with people she feels comfortable to trust and share with. When she's older, then it's up to her who she tells. But it's not controlling her to put into place some short term guidelines for her personal safety, that still allow her the freedom to talk to who she trusts, but protect her from harm. I suggest arranging a meeting with the new school to talk about her LGBT status if she's up for that so she knows who to go to for support and what they can offer.

    Good luck! You are doing great! :thumbsup:
     
  7. YuriBunny

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    Thanks for supporting your daughter! ^.^
     
  8. Dreizehn

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    Thank you! I think I'll take another day or two to think through how to approach the safety discussion, and just really emphasize that who she is open with is still something I think is completely her choice. I'll be surprised if she doesn't join the LGBT+ group right off the bat, but I'll suggest it if she doesn't. I appreciate your kind words--I really want her to feel that this is a very good thing about herself! I am incredibly proud that she has helped pave the way for other kids at her school by being open about it, and I am proud of her classmates for supporting her!

    ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2015 at 10:08 PM ----------

    Thank you! I certainly agree that she is normal. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, and at the same time, I want her to feel that her sexuality and orientation are good and special and important things about her (or anyone else). It is really helpful to know there is this forum here--that there's a place for asking questions without making things awkward for her. I really appreciate you all for helping me. I am definitely trying my best to ensure I am an easy person for her to talk to! I definitely let her know I support her and am extremely proud of her for coming out at her school.
     
  9. Dreizehn

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    Thank you so much for responding. It feels particularly helpful to me to know your situation has been similar to hers. I'm really sorry your mom said the things she did. I certainly remember how much "it's just a phase" and "she's doing it for attention" stung for much less important things.

    I actually had it in mind that there is a possibility my daughter could at some point move elsewhere on the spectra in any direction, but I agree it would be disrespectful to her for me to bring that up, so I'm not going to. I'm pretty much assuming things could stay firmly the same or change as she gets older, and I want to be supportive and respectful of her and her knowledge about herself either way. It was helpful to see you say that, because I felt kind of guilty for even thinking it--anyway, your words helped me think it through better.

    Your wording regarding how to discuss safety is really helpful--thank you! And I will be sure to suggest she join the group if she doesn't just join it right away in the fall, which I think she will probably do.

    Thank you so, so much!
     
    #9 Dreizehn, Jan 7, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2015
  10. Images and Words

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    hey, sounds like you're doing a great job.
    I would say that, as far as safety goes, it depends on the community, if you live in a somewhat homophobic society, telling your daughter to not be really open might be a good thing, however, if you live in a "normal" society, there shouldn't be too much to worry about. I would say, just do what you feel best in your eyes.
    as for the school, the LGBTQ+ group sounds amazing! I wish my school did something like that. If they have clubs and things specifically for kids who are LGBTQ+, I expect that she won't have any issues, and that there will be lots of people to support her.
    Finally, to round off this essay of a post,
    I cannot recommend EC more as far as places for advice go. Other resources are:
    The Trevor Project - More for troubled LGBTQ+ teens, but still a good resource
    Being gay is okay: Home - Advice about general homosexuality, I used this a lot about a year ago (so, when I was 13/14)
    Even just googling it should bring up something good!
    All the best to you and your daughter
    :slight_smile:
     
  11. lgbtqenjolras

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    Hello! I'm 13, and I'm out to a few people at my school. Since she's going to a new school, she should be open about her sexuality, so she doesn't become friends with homophobic people in the first place. Tell her to join the group, it's a great way to make new supportive friends! As for a talk about safety, just keep it simple and brief. Don't set any rules- just give her precautions.
     
  12. SkylarRain

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    I think that it's great that you are supportive! Try not to set too many limits or guidelines on her(i.e. you have to join the LGBTQ+ group or don't tell too many people.) Just make sure that she is comfortable talking to you! Make sure that you are just giving her safety info and you are just recommending she goes to the group. She should be able to decide for herself who she tells,when she tells and what she tells. By the way make sure that she is comfortable with you telling the principal about her sexual orientation-you never want to out someone!
     
  13. kt8xx8

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    To add to the advice everyone else has given, I noticed that you're from NH, and while I haven't spent much time in Concord, I can honestly say that growing up/living in NH I have never had any issues with anyone over the fact that I'm not straight. (I like to think it's in part due to our state motto!) I hope this gives you a little bit more peace of mind, and congrats on being a great mom!
     
  14. PositivelyMe

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    In regards to safety: I would encourage her to tell people that she is comfortable with, and perhaps a few adults at her school. A guidance counselor or a teacher she trusts-I personally came out to my high school guidance counselor and it was really good for me to have someone I could talk to about it.

    As far as starting a new school-she'll be fine. Encourage, but don't force, her to go to the LGBTQIA group-it's nice to have friends in the community who understand what you're going through.

    The best thing you can do is continue to be a supportive parent and treat her just as you always have.