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should I come out to my sister before my wife?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Wildside, Jan 7, 2015.

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  1. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    :help: my sister is probably the most supportive person in my family. we are both adults, and older adults at that. she is older than me. she has always really cared for me, and I know that she really loves me. I know that she is not homophobic because she was really outspoken in support of gay marriage even before it started being so popular with everyone in this country. she is straight, but I think she would understand. but I am not out to my wife, and I don't know if you can come out to a close family member before coming out to a spouse. One last thing, she lives a thousand miles away, and we see each other about once a year. :help:
     
    #1 Wildside, Jan 7, 2015
  2. trailrider

    trailrider
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    I would without a doubt. My sister and I are there for each other no matter what. Considering the pandoras box that you are going to potentially open with your wife, I would think that having some family support on your side would be well worth the minor friction, that may be added, if your wife decides to even care that she wasn't the first in the family to be told.

    .......I swear that every time I start reading one of your posts, I start singing Iron Maiden's "Run to the hills"
     
    #2 trailrider, Jan 8, 2015
  3. StephenB

    StephenB Guest

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    I would definitely come out to your sister first. I know you're supposed to tell your spouse first with most things, but this is one of those issues that having another family member in your corner would be helpful. Only you know how your wife will take it, hopefully well, but having your sister there, even if she is a thousand miles away, can't hurt :slight_smile: .
     
    #3 StephenB, Jan 8, 2015
  4. happyhamster144

    happyhamster144
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    I would tell your sister first especially if she will be supportive. If it goes well it will give you more confidence knowing that she is there for you and will make telling your wife a much less daunting.
     
    #4 happyhamster144, Jan 8, 2015
  5. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks everyone for your advice! :eusa_clap It is really encouraging, and a bit surprising. I thought everyone would tell me how wrong I was not to tell my wife first, and tell me of all the ways it could go wrong. My sister has been my sister since the moment I was born, and has been my sister all my life. and if my marriage does break up, my sister will still be my sister. I feel better about what I was thinking now. thanks so much!(!)
     
    #5 Wildside, Jan 8, 2015
  6. looking for me

    looking for me
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    if you feel she'd be supportive, i would say yes. that way you have someone on your side in the family.
     
    #6 looking for me, Jan 12, 2015
  7. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    Thanks! :thumbsup: I really appreciate everyone's perspectives. I guess you never really know who will be supportive and who will be negative until you actually come and and tell them. One thing I've read in so many coming out stories as how many times they were surprised by people's reactions. But at some point, I guess we have to fish or cut bait (or mastur-bate :roflmao:slight_smile:. She is probably the most supportive person in my family, and probably the most understanding of LGBT issues, other than a niece who has an MTF daughter, but we've never been that close. I have been supportive of her and her daughter, which I know they appreciated. her father hasn't been too negative, but he's been confused by it all and probably in his heart not as accepting (he's my brother, and not one of the first people I would ever come out to). thanks.
     
    #7 Wildside, Jan 12, 2015
  8. luvbear

    luvbear
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    My husband came out to me and told no one else so far. I am in his corner and hoping to help him any way that I can. You know your wife, will she understand or feel cheated?
     
    #8 luvbear, Feb 1, 2015
  9. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! I am going to echo the comments made previously. Coming out to your sister first, would definitely be the best approach. Coming out to your sister, will give you a chance to let go of some of the weight that you might have been experiencing over the last while - perhaps for quite some time now.

    Having someone supportive on your side, can make a difference, not only in gathering the courage in being able to open up to your wife, but it can also provide you with reassurances. You will always have somebody that is there to support you, and be there should you need to call on that support. As you indicated, your sister will always be your sister, no matter what happens.

    So I'd say, and if you feel up to it, give your sister a call when you have a moment, and start the conversation. Your sister might be able to give you some further suggestions on how you could come out to your wife. :slight_smile:
     
    #9 Mirko, Feb 2, 2015
  10. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks, Mirko. that's really helpful advice. life may get pretty lonely when I tell my wife, and having my sister in my corner would definitely help. my sister just started having some medical problems, so I'm not going to burden her with my problems until she gets her issues taken care of. but there's time. I hope.
     
    #10 Wildside, Feb 2, 2015
  11. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Sorry to hear that your sister is dealing with some medical problems at the moment. But yes, it would be a good idea to wait until your sister has overcome it.

    From the sounds of it, you will have enough time to come out to your sister and then to your wife. If you can, try not to create more pressure on yourself by worrying about timing, or the amount of time you have. (*hug*)

    How do you feel generally about telling your wife?
     
    #11 Mirko, Feb 2, 2015
  12. JC67

    JC67
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    My wife is so supportive and was very understanding when I finally verbalized what she really knew all along. Out of respect for our marriage, our children, and her I do not indulge myself in male sex or any sex outside our marriage. She knows I have desires and she tries her best to fulfill them without crossing her own lines ofsexuality and morality. It can be good if you guys try to work through it. I guess the difference may be that I still am attracted to women as well as men.
     
    #12 JC67, Feb 3, 2015
  13. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    yeah, that is definitely a big difference.. I am not attracted to women, and my wife and I have not had sex in years. We don't sleep in the same room, and there is little affection between us. Even when we were sexually active with each other, her interest in sex was very low, and I always had to force it, with lots of gay fantasy, vocalization, and even visual (magazines, videos). We have never had very good communication, and so it has always been extremely hard to discuss anything important. She is generally not open to any open and honest communication, and has a real problem listening to anyone in conversation. That sounds bad and critical, but I don't mean it that way. It's just the way that it is, and sometimes she even recognizes the fact that she doesn't listen to what people are saying, and constantly interrupts to say something. Sometimes it seems like she talks and talks as a way of avoiding real conversation. We even talked about that issue in couples therapy once, 18 years ago, but nothing got any better, even though I think she wanted to change that. Once we completely stopped having sex, I felt less reservation about having sex with men. So, in some ways, on a practical level not a lot would be different if I were out completely, but it is a psychological burden to always be wearing a mask and projecting a false identity.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Feb 2015 at 02:34 PM ----------
    yeah, I'm pretty good at creating more pressure on myself! thanks.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Feb 2015 at 02:35 PM ----------
    scared. very scared.
     
    #13 Wildside, Feb 3, 2015
  14. adsterrr

    adsterrr
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    My sister was by far the most encouraging and supporting person I ever came out to. It may be a shock to her at first but as you've already stated, she isn't homophobic, therefore she can support and help you so much. Keep us updated, I hope it goes well for you!
     
    #14 adsterrr, Feb 3, 2015
  15. indiqo

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    I think you need to make the first person you come out to the person you feel most comfortable with

    that isn't neccessarily going to be your wife nor does it have to be

    good luck
     
    #15 indiqo, Feb 9, 2015
  16. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks so much to everyone for all your great advice and sharing! I love you all! :love:
     
    #16 Wildside, Feb 9, 2015
  17. Zach

    Zach
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    Hi Wildside
    I'm only a year older than you are, and the first person I came out to in my mid 50's was my sister. I came out to my sister a couple of years before I actually came out to my now ex-wife. It was so nice to have someone on my side to talk to. (and my sister kept my "secret")

    So I'd say if you think your sister will accept you, you should give it a shot. :thumbsup:
     
    #17 Zach, Feb 12, 2015
  18. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks for that perspective from someone who's been there, Zach. I wish my sister lived a lot closer than she does! we'll see where things go.
     
    #18 Wildside, Feb 12, 2015
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