My 12 year old son has been out for nearly a year now. He is very open with people and we are supportive of him. All has been going fairly well with peers at church and school. So....today we went to Target to get his glasses fixed and he comes to the checkout with a bunch of dolls. He has never wanted dolls before, though he has played with them with girls at their homes before. He was spending his own money so I didn't really comment but this is bothering me for some reason. I don't know why. Was this some kind of emotional line in my mind that I didn't even know I had? Goodness.....I don't know what is wrong with me that I am letting this bother me so much! The clerk asked if he needed a gift receipt and he just smiled and said no. I think I was embarrassed and that has horrified me.
Hey.You are a amazing mother and I wish my mom was more like you.You accept your son.Which a lot of moms don't do.Don't get down about that incident,some things take some time getting used to.And keep being supermom
you are doing a great job of being accepting and supportive, mom! on all the major points, you're a star. in this case, you just weren't expecting this. for homophobic parents, they would be concerned that their son was gay if he wanted a doll. but you're not homophobic, and you are fine with him being gay. As far as him wanting to have the dolls, well you could always ask him what he likes about having dolls. sometimes straight boys want dolls, and sadly some parents get really upset about it, as if having or not having dolls will determine his sexual identity. as a parent, I just see it as an indication that a boy has a strong nurturing side to him, which is a great thing, something to be happy about. do you have any sense of why this rattled you?
There's no reason to beat yourself up about it. It sounds like you're being a kind and supportive mum, which is fantastic. You may still have some heteronormative ideas about how he's supposed to act as a boy, which are being challenged by his propensity to buy dolls (which are supposed to be for girls, right?). At the end of the day, a toy is a toy. Maybe because he feels he can be true enough to himself to come out, he feels comfortable enough to pursue 'girly' things because he's realised that the rules society sets for us are essentially meaningless and limit us. Anyway, it's ok to feel a bit weird about it because it's something a little bit out of your comfort zone and you're going through a process of self-discovery too, but don't let that affect how you treat your son. He's still the same person, and he's growing up and discovering what he does or doesn't like. Heck, I'm 20 and I'm still figuring out who I am and I'm not sure it'll ever stop! Keep being the awesomely supportive mum you are, and just don't worry about your son being different.
It is just cultural/social pressures that has made you think doll = girly = not for boys. Dolls are actually not inherently one gender as many cultures make them for both children and adults. But, US/Western culture has largely taught us that dolls are a way of teaching young girls how to care for others like little mothers. It's not harmful for a boy to also play, especially a gay boy who may be more willing to do "gender nonconforming" things. That nonconformity is quite common among LGBT youth. I know I loved to get Lisa Frank stickers from my girl friends when I was in elementary school. I never was into dolls, but I was definitely not a super macho boy.
I think it's positive you recognised this in yourself and were horrified by your feelings. but I think like everyone you have been made to think that we should all conform to certain gender roles. children aren't born knowing this, they are taught it. and that isn't necessarily a good thing because it can prevent the child from accepting themself and others for their differences. because really a lot of people don't conform truly to these norms. more people than you think. regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. also, as well as impacting on those with non-heterosexual orientations and non-binary identities, living in a heteronormative society in my opinion is one of the main causes of sexism against females. perhaps you could research this point a little more yourself and it may help you to understand things a bit better. after all, it also impacts you as a female. my friend has a 20 month old son and she buys him "girls toys" if he wants them. he has a shopping set, hoover and a few dolls. he also likes pretend makeup. to her grandparent's dismay. but I think it's entirely normal. children explore their environment and learn a lot from toys. the shapes, textures and colours can be attractive to them. a 12 year old is no different, they are still learning a lot through their senses. so I think it's a positive thing for his education and development to allow your son to play with whatever toy he wishes to play with. because a child isn't born believing pink is for girls and blue is for boys, it's ridiculous to expect them to only play with certain toys. and it's a false belief anyway. it's good your son doesn't think like this and just looks for what he likes. and it's also good your son came out to you at such a young age. he must really trust you. good luck *hug*
Thank you all for your kind responses. After a bit of thinking about it and watching him play with them, I've relaxed. Maybe I just wasn't expecting it? I certainly wasn't expecting my reaction. I guess I am still navigating and adjusting. He's an awesome young man. I just need to remember that all the time and roll with it. Sometimes I think he just tests me, as well. No kid would ever do that to their mother, right? LOL!
