Husband came out to me

Hey, it's good to hear you're supportive, it must be hard on both of you. Unfortunately I'm not too sure what advice I could give you, I don't have experience of your situation.

But there's a section on this forum, LGBT Later in Life, where there's many people who have come out to their wives or husbands as gay or lesbian. That's where you'll probably find the best help, the people there are either going through what your husband is going through, already have gone through it, or are about to. They'll have firsthand experience and I'm sure the advice will be helpful. I'd say it'd be best to make this thread again there.

 

I am going to echo Clay's advice. The EC Community has numerous people who have gone through what you and your husband are going through right now. You are not alone. You will find lots of support in the LGBT Later in Life section of the forum.

 

You are the most understanding person on the planet. I wish my wife was as understanding as you. You don't need any advice from me. Your a gift from heaven. Thank you for being you...

 

Welcome luvbear and yes, thank you for being so understanding. You're definitely his rock.

 

I differ with these guys in opinion quite a bit. Its hard for me to understand I guess because I can see things from both of your perspectives. 10 years is a long time to invest in any relationship. I think he is losing more than he realizes. Things just start to get good at 10 years. It breaks my heart to see marriages falling apart. Any marriage. Marriage is a life long commitment especially when kids are involved. Leaving a commmitment you made just because you changed your mind about who you are is selfish to me. That being said staying in a marriage where neither one of you is happy will make life unfulfilling. I wish you and your family the best.

 

I agree with all of the responses here.

I think that you are probably one of the most beautiful people. but it's also okay to be mad about this or experience unpleasant emotion.

I think that first before you can support him, you must examine your emotions and get some kind of support for yourself. you may feel okay now, but emotions can vary from time to time. it's important that you take care of your own emotional needs first.

as others have said there are many here who have experienced similar circumstances and can provide much more useful input than myself. I can't begin to relate.

good luck.

 

I second other peoples advice, I may be young but I've been with my (soon to be) husband for 9 years and I'm Bisexual, he has always known that and loves me for who I am, I found out about a year ago that he is Bi as well, oddly enough I was quite shocked by it but I'm 100% supportive and proud of him for telling me instead of continuing to keep it a secret, what can we do? Just be supportive, I'm sure it feels kinda shitty to have it "dumped" on you kinda but I'm happy your trying to help him, just keep doing that! I'm sure it probably hurts but just remember, that is who he is, it isn't "your fault" and you haven't "done anything wrong" (it seems a lot of people feel that way when a spouse comes out) hopefully both of you will find happiness!!! *hugz*

 

Just being there for him should be enough. Support whatever decision he makes! Remember coming out is a process new to him to so give him time and caring. That's the only advice I have.

 

I give you a huge amount of kudos for not making this about you and for being so understanding and allowing him to be himself. I nearly married a woman at one point and she let me go so I could have a more fulfilling relationship.

I never imagined I would appreciate it then, but I do now--I'm marrying a man I love in less than two weeks. I may never have met him if I'd married her.

 

Luvbear, my heart aches for you. While you seem to be uncommonly understanding about this, it must on some level feel like a betrayal. The bottom line is that your husband should never have married you in the first place if he had any doubts. He wasted 10 years of your life, and I am sorry you had to go through that.

This is why I will never marry a girl unless God genuinely gives me feelings for her. I may not be attracted to women, but I respect them enough not to use them in that way.

 

me too i have 20% atraction twards females and thats me keeping an open mind

 

You're assuming he even knew, or that he somehow never loved her, and that's not fair to him (or even her).

 

Perhaps my judgment was a bit rash, but only a bit. Honestly, how could he really not know? Furthermore, even if he did know, I don't think it's okay to just throw a decade of his wife's life away so that he can come out and explore his sexuality. He needed to make such explorations before marriage. And even if he somehow developed those feelings after getting married, I'm not sure it still justifies ending the marriage over. I'm sorry. It just seems so wrong, and quite frankly sad for both people involved.

 

I'm really getting sick and tired of hearing the "shouldn't have wasted your time, should have explored before marriage," trope. We all do the best we can with ourselves, and our relationships. F' me for not knowing who I was at 25, or what I wanted out of life. Heck, I was just glad to find anyone who liked me, I didn't want to end up alone.

I never had the self-worth or self-confidence to come out to anyone. I've dated girls, and most often just failed at making a relationship. I was a super-introverted wallflower, with a self-image that said I looked like a freak, so I closed my feelings, and built up a wall. All from the age of 13 on.

So, sorry I was to self-damaged to have a real chance at experimenting with guys during the start of the AIDs crisis. I couldn't walk into a straight bar and hit on a girl, let alone a gar bar and hit on guys. It's not like we had social apps to hookup with in high school, college, or before I was married. Well, the internet was just kicking into gear before we were married, so I had one experience with a guy off AOL before I was married, and that was unsatisfying emotionally.

Years of therapy, and I'm just coming to terms with how damaged I am inside.

So, FU (nothing personal,) my 21 years of marriage to my wife were mostly enjoyable. I still love her the same amount as before, I just know now that the love I have for her, is not the same as what she has for me. It's like my love cup is 1/3 full, and her's is overflowing. It's always been like that, it's just taken me years to realize what the issues are. :bang:

I just don't believe we should live together anymore pretending I'm actually in the marriage. I'm just now finding out who I am, and what my real identity is. I'm not going to stay in a marriage just because we've been together for so long. I also know that I can't stay faithful to my marriage vows. I'm tired of sacrificing who I am, so that we can live a sham of a marriage (which is my view of it.) :bang:

My wife brought these things up in our last therapy session. So, who is being more selfish, the person who is letting go of the relationship because it is not fulfilling. Or the person who doesn't want it to end because it would crush them. Being in the marriage was making me feel oppressed, everything was about her. :bang:

So, I should continue to feel this way, just so I don't hurt her feelings. I should continue to remain in the closet, bottle up how I really feel, and not be who I am, because the wife I chose when I was emotionally vulnerable would be crushed without me. :bang:

Am I being selfish. Heck yeah I am, for the first time in my f'in life. And while I am truly sorry for the pain I've caused, I've never been more satisfied in my life. (!)

luvbear - you are doing great, good advice up above. If you can remain friends that would be a great help to him. Give him the space he needs, and be ready to let him go his way.

 

Look, it's not for me to judge you. You two have to do what works. I just think we all need to keep in mind that in the midst of trying to work out our sexual identities, we are not the only ones who can get hurt in the process. I know my opinion doesn't matter to you, and that's fine. But if I were in your position, I would stay married and try to make it work. You made it work for two decades, and your wife seems like an incredibly loving and understanding person. You admitted yourself that you loved her. Maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side. That's all I'm saying. Take it or leave it. I apologize if I offended you. I wish you and your wife nothing nothing but mutual happiness.

 

Why would you introduce all those negative feelings that the original poster did not delve into? On top of that, you're adding judgement to the husband without understanding the dynamics of the relationship. Seasons of life come and go, nothing is permanent and sometimes marriages end and there is no ill will and the two partners are able to separate with love and just realize the day-to-day activity that a relationship entails will not work. For one, we do not know how aware, if at all, the husband was of his sexuality. Historically, many gays and lesbians have married into straight relationships due to societal pressures.

 

Yeah, sorry, it's a sore subject with me, just discussed this in therapy last Friday. Just frustrating. You've not been in my shoes, I've not been in yours. I wasn't offended, just lashing out from the recent pain of hearing this in person. It's not about you.

I'm a Christian too, so prayer, and a WHOLE lot of angst has come with both coming out and separating/divorcing. Look up my threads if you want to get a taste of some of my issues. Things aren't going the way I had planned. I pray to God every week to lead me on the path he wants me.

The thing is, being in the same house, doing a lot of the same activities, wasn't a marriage full of commitment on my part. I never felt she was my best friend. I never told her any of my dirty secrets. Never confided my fear, doubt, or uncertainty with her. While I was physically faithful to her until recently, I was always looking outside our marriage for something emotionally, never really knowing what. I've never felt like we were two people joined as one.

 

Thank you for forgiving my rashness. While I stand by my initial position on the matter, I think I worded it in a way that sounded harsher than I intended. My bad. No one on here has lived you and your wife's lives this past 20 years, so the advice we can offer you is quite limited. I like what you said about prayer. I encourage you as a fellow believer to continue to pray. People have a lot of opinions they want to throw at us, and it can honestly get a bit exhausting trying to sift through them all. But if we seek God's guidance in decisions like these, then I believe He will not fail to lead us down the correct path.