My "best friend" hates gays

1. It is not your responsibility to be her one and only friend. You should feel absolutely zero responsibility to her getting upset should she learn that you are not straight.

2. The responsibility of all of this rests squarely on the shoulders of her parents, who have done horrible harm to her by sheltering her in such a way. The fact that you are her one and only friend speaks volumes, and that is setting aside the fact that she is being raised with bigoted views.

3. You need to encourage her to break away from her parents as much as she is able to do, and to go outside and make friends. If you want to be a good friend, then you need to encourage her to open her eyes to the fact that she is being horribly sheltered by her parents, and the world is radically different than she is being led to believe... and then encourage her to go out into the world and explore it as much as she is able. Then at the first opportunity, she needs to go off to college, and get away from her parents. (Of course, you need not state things so bluntly, but it is the truth.)

 

I completely agree with Aldrick's point on how it is not your responsibility to be her one and only friend. Don't let guilt take over you, maybe if she was kinder she would have more friends? You mention the two of you get into fights constantly, are the fights only about her hating gay people, or anything else?

I wouldn't worry about her personal development too much. While we can dissect her problem and understand it, there is no use. I would not try to solve her problems for her, she and her parents must realize on their own that by shutting everyone out of their lives, they are all left isolated with no one. I wouldn't even say anything else to her unless it's at a family gathering. At that point I would just be polite, friendly, yet distant in order to guard yourself.

The only responsibility you have here is you. Be around people who accept you. You mentioned you and your cousin have similar backgrounds however you have more freedom. Some religious organizations do have LGBT groups and do support LGBT folks, not sure what is in your area or what your denomination is but it is something worth looking into. It's a way to reconcile faith and being you. You have to protect your heart and mental health from those who are toxic to you. It is not your job to get someone who isn't interested in learning something to accept you for who you are. Often when LGBT folks reach out to haters they end up being the ones most hurt in this situation and it can have detrimental effects on you in your process of coming out and loving you for you.

 

I agree you are not responsible for any of her problems which stem from her being homeschooled. I also agree you have to protect your mind from toxic people. this is so so important. family, friend, etc. it doesn't matter. you have to put your emotional stability first.

I would not surmise she hates gay people. this is not an opinion but a religious belief and therefore doesn't necessarily mean she feels hatred for people. in her mind the scripture she follows says homosexuality isn't right. but it doesn't mean she wishes gay people harm or would treat them differently.

if you wish to continue being close with her you need to address the difference of belief.

you can either ---

a. try to change her belief. prove her wrong with evidence from scripture and/or show that people of her faith don't always interpret scripture this way as evidenced by lgbt church groups. be careful when doing so as she could feel her religious belief is being attacked. remember you are not trying to convert her religious beliefs; rather, helping her explore her belief.

b. accept and respect her belief by agreeing to disagree. make sure that she will do the same for you. perhaps ask that you don't discuss it in future.

c. do not be so close with her anymore. if it causes you emotional turmoil then the friendship needs to be examined.

when you come out to her it may help her to understand gay people a little more, knowing someone close to you is gay can really open a persons eyes. but I would not consider coming out as an "option" because an option would be a possible solution to a problem. coming out is not. it is a personal thing and should only be done when you feel completely comfortable with a situation. not because you want to help someone else, but because you want to help yourself by no longer hiding and being able to begin living the life you were meant to live.

good luck.

 

Any reason not to tell her that you're gay? If you tell her, she will either stop depending on you to be her "best friend," or she will have to rethink her bigotry. She may not have put a lot of thought into her homophobia, since she has had a very limited exposure to anything or anybody other than her home and her parents; so she may still be at a point in life when a counter-intuitive experience like learning that her best friend is gay may shock her into rethinking her prejudice. On the other hand, if all she ever does is argue with her, getting honest might be the best way to just move on .