Hi everyone. I have been married for 8 years and together for 15 years with my husband. We have 2 beautiful children, ages 5 and 2. We just bought a home in the summer and went through a very stressful remodeling project for about 3 months. My husband's mother passed away 1 year ago and it hit him very hard. Well, just last week, I found about 700 emails on a fake account he created where he has been corresponding with other men from craigslist. He started in September and I just discovered this last week. They were daily interactions of swapping pictures of eachother, saying dirty things to eachother and he actually hooked up with a man probably about 5 times. From the emails, I can tell they definitely performed oral sex to eachother, and he tells them he's not "into anal". My whole life was shattered. He denied it initially and said it was "just a game" but when I confronted him with the truth, he started saying that it became an addiction, he doesn't know why he did it, he was depressed, etc. BUT HE DENIES HE IS GAY OR EVEN BISEXUAL!!!! I am a very tolerant person and actually very compassionate also. If he would have "come out" to me, I would have been devastated but would be able to cope with it through compassion. But he actually is denying it and saying he wants to be married to me and he is 100% not gay. How is this possible?!?! This makes no sense to me. Part of me would love nothing more than to work on this for my kids' sake, but I don't want to wake up in 10 years and have him come out to me and I look back and think "I was an idiot to believe him". Please. What is everybody's opinion and advice. I don't know what to do. I am devastated.
First, keep calm. Second, if I were you I'd get tested. Probably he has been very careful, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Third, it wasn't nice to do this behind your back. Being with someone is about being honest too. Still, think that this was for him very hard. He didn't felt comfortable with it himself, and he was also probably trying to avoid you being hurt. Fourth, it is you who must decide if you want to be with him or not. This doesn't need to be a deal breaker as long as he is having safe sex. If he doesn't want to share this part of his life with you, it's up to you do decide if you let this pass, or if you feel too uncomfortable and want a divorce. And please, please, don't take this personally. Your husband having sex with other men doesn't mean he doesn't like you anymore. It means just that he has other needs, same as you might have other needs that your husband doesn't fullfill. Keep calm, this is not the end of the world. PS: Tell him that you will be there if he needs to talk about it, and make clear that he must stick to safe sex, but let him be the one to raise the subject again, don't put too much pressure on him, respect his limits. Also listen to yourself and how do you feel at all times, and be aware that you don't need to do anything you don't feel ok with it just because we are married.
Hello I've never been in your situation so I'm not sure how much help I can offer, but I will try. I can't think of any 100% straight guy who would hook up with another man multiple times. It sounds like he might be scared and in denial of either being gay or bisexual. Maybe you could suggest seeing a councilor who has experience with this type of thing? I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but I'm sure there are others here who will have more advice.
