Please help me support my 12 year old son

ScottieCO · Feb 4, 2015

Monday morning right as we were walking out the door to School and Work my 12 year old son asked me to sit down and he took both my hands and said 'mummy you know I will always love you no matter what' (this is how I always start tough conversations with him) and I said yes I do, what's up - I could tell he was nervous and he said 'I think, NO I know I'm gay' I took him in my arms, I was lost for words, I said 'Thank you for telling me, I really love you and I will always love you so much' then we just hugged and I told him again how much I loved him, I really did not know what else to say and I really did not want to say the wrong thing to him, so we then just went about getting out the door - as I was dropping him off I asked him if we could chat later when we all got home and he agreed.

I then cried all the way to work and spent most of my day shut in my office crying - I did not get much done. Not because he's gay I know enough wonderful gay people who are happy and fulfilled with life - but I also know the battles they have had to fight and the struggles they have had and I am scared for him people can be so cruel. Also to add to our worry, my husband is a educator and has seen firsthand the struggles young teens go through in school and with life. Life is hard enough as it is I don’t want people to hurt him.
Since Monday I have been glued to the internet and I found your site and ‘wow’ you all seem so kind and offer some good advice, but of course I found the scary stuff the statistics that say LGBT kids are more likely to commit suicide than other teens I can’t tell you how scared that makes you. How do I protect him, how do I keep him safe.
12 seems so very young to even be thinking about boys or girls (I know it’s not really – but he’s my baby)- although intellectually I know that sexuality is something that forms in each person before we are born but emotionally I'm still struggling with how does he even know where did this come from, how does he know.
His dad and I sat down with him Monday evening and we told him how proud we were of him and how much we loved him and how he was still the same kid he has always been and that we would be there for him no matter who he loved and as long as that person makes him happy then we will love them also and invite them to be part of our family. I asked him how he had come to the realization that he is gay and he just shrugged and said he had been thinking about it for a year and just knew, he really did not want to talk about it and that was really hard for his dad and me as we had so many questions – but we had to respect his feelings. But if he is not willing to talk how do I know he is safe? He did say he had not told anyone else and that there was not someone he was interested in right now – but nothing else. We asked him if he was going to tell anyone else and he said no, we promised we would not either as it is his story to tell. But I did tell him that he needs to be thoughtful about who and when to tell.
I don’t want to scare him but I want him to be aware that there are jerks out there. I know this is a different world and kids at least are more accepting – but I don’t know that he has any idea of what is out there, how do I give him this information with out scaring the living daylight out of him?
He seems OK, he does not seem distraught, which I am relieved about – so what do I do – do I just relax and leave it at that?

I really don’t want to screw this up, I don’t want to screw him up – but I need to keep him safe from this cruel world. His middle school has a Gay/Straight Alliance – should I encourage him to go.
Gosh I am so sorry this is so long, thank you for reading and thank you all for being so brave and sharing your thoughts with this proud but terribly scared mum.

Chip · Feb 4, 2015

Welcome!

First, you and your husband sound like absolutely amazing parents, who gave the exact response that every gay child dreams of hearing when he or she comes out. And the fact you were able to give that response in spite of the emotional turmoil inside you speaks volumes about your understanding of what really matters here... that your son gets the right message of unconditional love and support from you.

While you are correct that gay teens are at dramatically increased risk of suicide, by the actions you've taken so far, you have already reduced that risk to almost the same level as any straight teen. The biggest single predictor of suicide (and, for that matter, drug use, promiscuity, and other antisocial behavior) among gay teens is isolation, and the very fact he was willing to come to you, and you responded as you did, is a powerful testament to the job you've done in raising him so far.

Next, you are right to be concerned about online predators. It's a huge problem particularly among gay teen boys. And some of the strongest protective factors are positive self esteem and self-talk, an open channel of communication with family, and education and understanding of the risks and concerns.

You handled the issue correctly in discussing how he knew, and backing off when he wasn't ready to talk about it. As you might imagine, a 12 year old is going to be mortified about talking about anything remotely sexual with his or her parents, but it's safe to say that most likely internet porn and masturbation fantasies have helped him understand who he is. I wouldn't assume it's gone anywhere beyond that.

It's a delicate issue, but you might ask if he's open to a conversation about internet safety and online predators. But if he says no... you also need to honor that.

Finally, encouraging him to join EC and participate on the online community here is a great idea. While technically, we don't permit people under 13 due to the Federal COPPA regulations, when there's a parent's consent, we can (and do) have younger members.

The community and staff are here to help in any way we can. I hope (and encourage) you to stick around and participate here, as the increasing number of parents at EC has helped to create a useful resource for other parents who are just coming to terms with the same issues you are.

greatwhale · Feb 4, 2015

Hi scottieCO, welcome to EC!

At this age, and given the time it took him to figure it out, you can rest assured that how he sees his orientation is pretty accurate. You have done a wonderful thing already, something that is never guaranteed: you and your husband have accepted this, without condition. You said exactly the right things, you love him no matter what. If there is anything in this world that has more of an effect on his well-being, and feeling secure in his own skin, I cannot think of anything other than your full and unconditional acceptance. Your husband may have insight into this, I would bet that a lot of the problems his LGBT students are struggling with are unaccepting parents.

I have three children, they are entering their adolescent years. As far as I know they are all straight. I have similar concerns about their interactions with potential jerks, it is part of being a parent to imagine the awful things that can happen to children, morbid, I know, but this is part of the deal. Yes, of course, it may be different when they know he is gay, but it may not. If his middle school has a GSA, that is a good sign.

You may not live in the most accepting of states, I don't really know, but at his age, 99% of how he feels about this depends on how you have reacted, and you reacted very well!

Yes, he may be reticent about talking about it again...part of this is that he is at an age where he is beginning to separate himself from parents a little, he is asking you to trust him and to trust him that he knows how to be safe (not easy, I know).

The most difficult thing you will need to do is relax and leave him explore his own way. You can suggest this site when he turns 13 or younger with consent (by then, he may feel more comfortable talking about it).

You both are wonderful parents, you have taken the best step possible, which is to educate yourselves by joining us here. Check out the PFLAG website as well, and be open to the time when he may come to you again to discuss this, in other words, be prepared, be proud and rejoice in knowing that you have a son who is willing to share so much with you!

Chiroptera · Feb 4, 2015

Hey Scottie,

Welcome to EC!

Life is hard enough as it is I don’t want people to hurt him.
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Your son is a step ahead of most people in the process of being confortable with himself. He has nice parents who accept him! This is already a huge thing, and it will help him a lot, believe me.

I found the scary stuff the statistics that say LGBT kids are more likely to commit suicide than other teens
Click to expand...

EDIT: I will quote Chip here

While you are correct that gay teens are at dramatically increased risk of suicide, by the actions you've taken so far, you have already reduced that risk to almost the same level as any straight teen. The biggest single predictor of suicide (and, for that matter, drug use, promiscuity, and other antisocial behavior) among gay teens is isolation, and the very fact he was willing to come to you, and you responded as you did, is a powerful testament to the job you've done in raising him so far.
Click to expand...

12 seems so very young to even be thinking about boys or girls (I know it’s not really – but he’s my baby)- although intellectually I know that sexuality is something that forms in each person before we are born but emotionally I'm still struggling with how does he even know where did this come from, how does he know.
Click to expand...

Actually, 12~13 is the age most people "discover" themselves. As to how does he know, it's the same way straight people know. How did you know you were attracted to men? Dreams, fantasies, checking out people on school, peraphs? It works the same way.

As he said

I asked him how he had come to the realization that he is gay and he just shrugged and said he had been thinking about it for a year and just knew
Click to expand...

how do I give him this information with out scaring the living daylight out of him?
Click to expand...

Peraphs someone has more useful advice here, but i would just tell him to be careful, because not everyone is accepting, and that you will be there for him in case he needs help.

His middle school has a Gay/Straight Alliance – should I encourage him to go.
Click to expand...

You may mention it, but, if you and your husband are the only people he told, he may not be prepared to join the Alliance for now. It's up to him, though.

Relax mum . You already did the greatest thing you could have done: You accepted him. Many LGBT don't have the luck to have such good parents.

We are here for you or him anytime needed!

ScottieCO · Feb 4, 2015

Chip, thank you so very much for your very kind reply. We have talked in the past about online safety and his school also had a seminar on it, but I know this is definitely one of the things his dad is most worried about. So we will take your advice and have another conversation with him, and I think it is time to revisit the controls we have on our computer and his phone.

I am definitely going to hang out here and learn from everyone. I have promised him I wont tell our friends or family so I appreciate having a place I can come to where I can talk.

blueberrykisses · Feb 4, 2015

I'd just like to add, that you don't really need to 'warn' him about telling people and judgemental, hateful people etc. He's obviously very aware of it. We all grow up in a heterosexual world where being gay is still seen as 'unusual', gay kids are very aware of the fact that they will be judged and could be hated on and get even physically hurt by other people. I grew up hearing the faggot world every day. Kids don't need to be told.

MisterTinkles · Feb 4, 2015

Well, for what it's worth..........if anything.......

Don't label him as your "gay" son. Just let him be your son.
Don't let "gay labels" get stuck to him. This is what is wrong with society.

Everybody and everything has be be "labeled". BULL!

He is a human being. Just let him be a human being. Let him grow up, make his mistakes, and make his decisions just like any other kid out there. Don't stipulate everything he says or does as "gay".

I would choose to even not acknowledge that word at all.

To me, "gay" is just as offensive as the "n" word is to black people.
The term "gay" needs to be removed from vocabulary, just as black people want the "n" word to be stricken from people's vocabularies.

Treat him as an individual, not as a labeled, stereotyped, premade thing.

Also, he is young. He may not fully comprehend what a homosexual is. He may only be attracted to the hype of what it is. And we all know hype is always wrong.

Even if he does grow up to prefer the same sex, it's nobodys business. Who someone else dates isn't his business, why should who HE dates be any of THEIR business??

Let him be a person, not a stereotype, not a thing, and definitely NOT a label!!

********************

And this is for ANY parent with a child who may have society driven issues......
Find a self defense class they would be interested in. ANY kind of self defense class!

I really despise bullies, and I wish they were treated like the violent criminals they are and put in prison. But they are not. So, it is in EVERY child's best interest to know some form of self protection.

greatwhale · Feb 5, 2015

Hi Scottie,

I found this article which you may find interesting and pertinent to our discussion.

ScottieCO · Feb 5, 2015

Thank you Everybody for all your thoughtful and kind words, and your advice.

MisterSparkles - what you said about labels is exactly what my husband has been trying to articulate the last couple of days, he kept saying 'I don't want to pigeon hole him he's just a boy like any other boy' So thank you for that it really helps.

blueberrykisses - I hate that you grew up hearing such hateful words, and I suppose I'm in denial thinking my son has not heard the same in his peer group - this is the sort of thing I want to protect him from, but as greatwhale said earlier kids will always find something to pick on other kids.

Chiroptera - thank you I know exactly what you mean - I just could not reconcile it in my brain at first but I am getting there - I've been ignoring the fact that my son is growing up ever since he went to middle school - and now I feel like I have been dragged into reality too soon - thankfully my husband is way more reality based than me and understands that age group so well as he has been working with them for many years.

greatwhale - thank you for the article I am going to share it with my husband tonight, CO is getting better - I think we are in the city so here at least there is a lot of diversity around us - but certainly southern CO is a complete nightmare - but we tend to avoid that at all costs anyway.

Today I feel much more relaxed and the feeling of doom has gone, I still have a feeling of the unknown - so thank you for taking the time to educate me and being gentle with my feelings as I stumble through this

29Ceres92 · Feb 5, 2015

I'd recommend getting him into some sort of martial art that is good for self defence, not in the whole sense of trying to "toughen him up", but to give him more confidence and the ability to defend himself from any violence he might occur from bullying etc.

indiqo · Feb 6, 2015

having awareness by warning your son in certain ways you could cause him to feel shame demonstrates your ability to empathise. you are awesome I think that in the end everything will be okay.

I find the way your son told you to be so cute. and it kind of made me think, perhaps there is something.. your son learned to approach difficult conversations with the same mannerism as you. well, this in itself shows your son viewed this as a difficult conversation. he seems to already be aware to be cautious when telling others how he feels.

good luck <3

GreyIce1 · Feb 6, 2015

Wow. You are an absolutely amazing mother.

It's apparent that your son deeply trusts you. Very, very few adolescents would feel comfortable telling there mother that. Don't break his trust and always be available to talk.

You're going to have to accept you can't protect him from everything but by you being there to help him, he'll have a foundation to go to when he needs it.

andhow · Feb 7, 2015

Man the amount of amazing parents out there never ceases to stun me. You guys are just solid.

I feel like candor is the best route. Maybe show him this message?

Wildside · Feb 7, 2015

you have a heart of gold!

C06122014 · Feb 7, 2015

Hello and welcome to EC!
I hope that here you find someone who is able to help! Maybe refer him to the site, it's a great environment full of supportive people. Although I would like to first tell you how amazing you are…simply amazing! You're reaction to your child's sexuality was incredible and couldn't have been more perfect, you are supportive and that's what you should continue being. Continue being supportive of your son, you and your husband are clearly raising him right, you've given him a safe environment one where he felt so safe that he was able to tell you about his sexuality. Although you shouldnt worry so much, he'll be fine. He seems like a strong kid and will be able to take care of himself but prepare him for the rest of the world because there will always be misguided and simply arrogant people who will see your sons sexuality and not him as an individual, tell him that there is more to him then just his sexuality! Because yes although it's a big part of who he is, and will greatly impact his life, it's not all there is to him. I myself have come out to my immediate family and friends and I've on very few occations(I beleive twice?) been forced to deal with homophobes, but I know that there will always be people out there who hate me just because I'm gay, hating me with a passion because of who I am. Even then I know most people despite not understanding my sexual orientation, make an attempt to undertand and when they don't comprehend they are still willing to respect it because they know it's not a choice and I was born this way. People who see more to me than just my sexuality, those are the people I have kept around

Best of luck, and by the way, I don't think you need help or advice on how to support your son, you've already done a great job just continue doing what you've been doing

Sincerely,

RainbowAlpaca · Feb 7, 2015

I know exactly what your son's going through, it's a tough time coming out a young age. I've been there myself, there's nothing to worry about.
Just tell him that some people might try to hurt him, but he doesn't have to listen to them. Only listen to the people that matter.
He may get bullied for this, but there's nothing wrong with being gay. He's still a human at the end of the day.

Wildside · Feb 8, 2015

you are helping him to build a foundation for a truly happy life. Living in the closet is so miserable, and puts us at risk for a lot of serious physical and psychological problems. Just like you helped him learn how to walk, you are helping him learn how to live as an adult, so that when the time comes he will be fully equipped to live up to his full potential. we are all so amazed by how great you are! :eusa_clap

ScottieCO · Feb 9, 2015

Hello everyone, what a wonderful group of people you are - thank you for all your wisdom and continued support.

I really can't express how much all your kind words have calmed me and helped me get through last week. Last night when I was lying awake at 1am not able to sleep I suddenly realized that I was stressing about work and not my son. :lol: Now if I could just find somewhere as supportive to get advice on dealing with my job maybe I could get a good nights sleep.

We spent a lot of time as a family this weekend and my husband and I were able to finally acknowledge, that nothing has changed he's still the same kid he has always been.

He's struggling a little with Valentines day coming up - the girls in his school are asking the boys to be their Valentines and he has had a couple ask him - he's been doing a good job dealing with it and everyone remaining friends. But he bought a box of chocolates this weekend just in case - because he claims the girls just want the chocolate.

I really am very proud of him, and I have seen an inner strength in him that makes me realize that he will be OK.

Wildside · Feb 9, 2015

like we all said, AMAZING!!!! you won't believe how many of us out here are wondering if you'll adopt us! Just keep loving him like you always have, and he'll keep being the amazing kid that he's always been.

Burnedcloset · Feb 9, 2015

Wow this was awesome to read. (I actually cried reading it.)

You are an amazing parent. (*hug*)

Can you give my parents lessons? Lol jk (seriously though :lol

You did an amazing job reacting the way you did. You've made everything that much easier for him.

Please help me support my 12 year old son

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