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How should I support my brother?

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by soccerfan10, Feb 11, 2015.

  1. soccerfan10

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    I'm sure some people have read this thread on other subforums but I've been finding better places to put this in to get more replies. So, sorry for that! :slight_smile:


    The first thing I think that I should say is that I am a straight female. I hope that anyone reading this is not offended that I am a user on this site, as I am very supportive of the LGBT community.

    I need some advice...

    Today, a completely out of the closet senior at my school approached me. We were talking as we usually do. Out of nowhere he said, "Hey I didn't know your brother was bi." I was shocked, I didn't even think he knew I had a brother. After a few moments of silence, I shook it off and said, "... I didn't either." He replied, "Oh I figured you knew, I thought I'd tell you. I was talking to him for a while." The conversation went on a minute or so longer. But you get the idea.

    Now, I always considered my brother and I to be quite close. I admit, the thought had crossed my mind before, but it was never a big deal to me because he never brought it up so I was never sure he was. But we generally tell each other everything, especially considering the age gap (He is 24 and I'm still in high school.) He has never mentioned it to me.

    I generally go to my parents for advice, but seeing as they don't know, that's not an option. So I've decided this is where I would get the best advice, assuming most of the people on this forum have gone through this.

    So I've kept it to myself. And I asked the guy who told me not to tell other people, because we both made it obvious that he wasn't out yet.

    So... should I talk to my brother and let him know that he can talk to me and I support him regardless? Or should I just wait it out for him to come to me? Or should I do something else entirely?
    I just don't want to give him the wrong impression and I want him to feel comfortable talking to me. I want him to know he has someone to talk to if he needs it.

    Also, if it helps, he knows that I am supportive of gay rights. We've never had a real in depth conversation about it. But he has a few friends that happen to be gay, and when it comes up in conversation, I always say my opinion on the topic.

    Thank for reading this and I appreciate any advice that you can give me! Thanks again!
     
  2. GayDadStr8Marig

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    If this friend is someone you believe is reliable in this divulged information, then I'd recommend an indirect approach with your brother. Being confronted out of the blue is not likely to go well for him, so you guys are together sometime you could casually mention something in connection to current events or a song on the radio. Just to drop hints that you're fine with people having non-heterosexual relationships.

    The other question in this situation is how your parents feel about non-heterosexual relationships? Your brother is an adult and presumably living on his own now, so aside from the usual familial pressures of not wanting to disappoint parents have they given any indications to you that having a bisexual son would be a problem for them? Does your family talk about these issues when something comes up with the news cycle or pop culture?

    The most important thing is that your brother knows he has your love and support so that when he's ready to open up he has someone in his corner to rely on.
     
  3. Aldrick

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    I am usually not a fan of the direct approach. However, your brother is an adult, and he seems to have told unreliable people. It is in his best interest at this point to let him know that this person he has told has informed you. This way he can determine how to handle the situation.

    Basically, I would take him off somewhere private where neither of you are likely to be interrupted. Then I would sit him down and tell him what happened. Let him know that you told the other guy to keep his mouth shut, since you didn't know how out he was to others. Reassure him that you are trustworthy, and that you love and support him and that you are totally fine with it. All the stuff that you basically said here.

    Outing other people is a big no-no, especially to members of their family. The "I didn't know he wasn't out" is not a good excuse. If you don't know for certain, you should find out before outing someone else. Your brother needs to re-evaluate the trust he has placed in this person, and needs to know that he can trust you.

    We don't know what stage he is in when it comes to coming out. He could be just accepting it himself. There are a lot of unknowns here, and in a more ideal situation I would tell you pretty much exactly what GayDadStr8Marig told you. However, seeing as how he was outed by someone else--I think it is important for him to know before he shares more personal information with this person. (He sounds like the type that likes to gossip.)

    He might deny everything, and run screaming back into the closet. That is a possibility. If that is what he wants to do, don't push the issue. Just let him know that you can be trusted, that you love him no matter what, that it changes nothing one way or another, and that if he ever needs to talk to come speak to you.

    Ideally, the guy who ended up telling you should have run back to your brother to inform him that he fucked up. That way your brother would know that you know. If he did that, then your brother might be waiting for you to say something. It could create an awkward situation if you do not. However, if he didn't go back and tell your brother then that speaks volumes about his character, as not only did he accidentally out your brother to you, he did not have the good sense to give him heads up that someone from his family knew. This makes the situation worse.
     
  4. GayDadStr8Marig

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    Honestly, I didn't evaluate that angle very much other than some initial curiosity that a 17/18 year old senior in high school would know your brother who's at least 6 years older than him... something about that strikes me as odd.

    But, as I think about the way this guy outed your brother to you assuming you knew, I'm tending to agree with @Aldrick that playing coy at this point is probably in neither your nor your brother's best interests. Chances are, if this guy felt "safe" talking to you about your brother, then he's probably said something to someone else, and that may or may not be OK with your brother depending on where he is with self-acceptance and willingness to have his sexual preferences shared by a 3rd party.

    Bottom line still though is proceed with caution and make it clear you support him regardless, because really his sexual orientation affects no one but himself and whomever he chooses to be a partner with.
     
  5. MisterTinkles

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    Why does this matter?

    If he's your brother and you love him, then this shouldn't even be an issue.
    If you trust him to make good judgements for himself, then there is no reason to be asking him anything, unless he wants to talk about it.

    It's one thing to just say "Hey big brother, Im here for you if you ever need me".
    It is another to be placing societies labels on him, and then using that to be delving into his personal preferences.

    If you want to be a good sister, just let him live his life. If he needs you for support on personal reasons, Im sure he will let you know.

    As for this nosey "friend", I would tell him to mind his own damned business and to keep his mouth shut about other peoples personal lives. What a douche!
     
  6. Otaku2014

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    show him you care no matter what and be supportive of him