Husband wants to be a woman

My apologies firstly because I am terrible at this sort of thing and secondly because this probably not going to make sense.
I can see why this is hard for you but I am going to give you the same advice I would give most couples: focus on the positive not the negative and simply see what happens, your sexualities may cause issues but love is always a gamble all you can do is roll the dice and hope for the best. I wish you and your wife luck with everything.

 

I think you're a very kind and understanding person to let the wife you love be herself regardless the amount of stress, sorrow and confusion you're feeling right now. Seriously, you are amazing, and I think what you're trying to do for her is wonderful.

Now, I know it must be very hard for you, and you must feel really lost right now, but I think you should also see what she is trying to do for you as well. She was willing to stay a man to be with you. You shouldn't be worried at all whether or not you're going to stay together. If you want to stay together and she wants to as well, then there's no reason at all as to why you shouldn't be able to. You can work this out together, and there's nothing wrong with also getting a little bit of help from others. I know I'm only a teenager saying this, but what it really comes down to is if you're both willing to stay and make this work, and I think you already know what you want to do. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I really hope this helped. Best of luck! (*hug*)

 

First of all, you are an amazing person to be trying so hard to support your partner, and you should know that it's normal to feel this way. In all honesty, you are doing a GREAT job so far and sadly most people would not even try to understand the other person's feelings when put in your shoes. When someone important in our lives announces their transition, we often go through the five stages of grief before coming to terms with it. In a sense, you are "losing" her, or rather the perception of her as a husband, and it's normal, even healthy to grieve that. It would actually be weirder if you didn't feel some kind of emotional turmoil.

It's not my place to say what you should do, because that's your choice. From a trans person's perspective, however, I just want to say that the fact she is willing to stay male for your sake shows just how much she cares for you. From what you posted, I feel like you two really love each other and I truly believe you have to strength to pull through this.

A woman named Diane Daniel went through a similar experience when her husband decided to transition from male to female, and she runs a blog documenting her experience. I know it's not much but I just want you to know that you're not alone in this. Stay strong, and I wish you and your partner the best of luck (*hug*)

 

It seems to me you guys love each other, but you are terrified of the future. Also you clearly said, you don't want to be with a woman.

You need to be honest with her. I understand you don't want to hurt her, but you do want her to be happy. I'm not sure this is going to be good for any of you on the long run.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would have probably been in your wife's position, and I know my partner would have never wanted to be with a man, so I'm sure he would have left me at some point. Children were often a topic too, and clearly he wasn't going to get them from me, not in a million years...

So... He would have left me, as soon as he knew about the real me. Being human, my first reaction would have been feeling hurt, but I know later I would have been thankful to him for being honest, even when honesty hurts.

So this is my answer. Think about it. To love someone is both to enjoy and suffer, depending on the circumstances. If you really love her, you'll tell her about how you really feel.

Talk to her.

 

It's normal to feel what you're feeling. I don't really understand why people would be so hateful towards you over perfectly valid fears or things to get upset over.

Ultimately I don't have any advice I could give, but this place is a lot more helpful that whatever sites you visited last.

 

First of all, than you. Thank you for being such a beautiful and kind-hearted person for accepting her. A lot of people would just pack their bags and go. Also, I am so sorry about how conflicted you feel. Many people feel like you do; not knowing who they are or what they feel. All LGBT people most likely have felt it at one point. But please, do not feel like you have to label yourself. Don't feel like you need to say "I'm bisexual" or "I'm a lesbian". What you're feeling is completely normal.

About your spouse. Again, you are handling this situation so well. I think that you just need to sit down with her and talk. Convince her that she needs to change, because she is in the wrong body. See what she wants to do regardless of what you feel. I think when you know exactly what she wants you will be able to talk about the future of your relationship. I hope this helps.

 

I don't think you're terrible. The fact that you've had no luck on other sites and gotten these spiteful responses on them make literally no sense to me.

You have been much, much more understanding than most other unions where one part came out as trans.

And you need to realize that people need to be selfish to be alright. People like to say that "all you need is love" but that's idealistic crap that doesn't really stand up in reality. If a relationship makes you feel bad for any reason, there's no shame in breaking it. Obviously it's best to try and find solutions first, but sometime's there aren't any.

It's still early and you don't know how it will eventually feel so I count three options now. The first is to break up, obviously, because as it is now at least one of you will be unhappy--you'll be unhappy for the reasons you listed if she transitions and she'll be unhappy if she's forced to stay a man for you. The second alternative is to wait and see how it will actually feel before making decisions, but you risk getting more attached as time goes along. The third alternative is to try and compromise; make some sacrifices so she can be happy and she'll do the same for you until you find a middle ground where you both are content.

It might sound a bit dickish, but I'm being a bit logical and calculating here, as I am wont to do, and I just want you both to avoid living your entire lives repressing something or other. Sometimes you need to make hard decisions. Besides, even if you break up you can remain the best of friends.

 

I agree with Lazuri.

There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. It is important that you both find a way to be happy.

My advice is to seek couples therapy. This is a complicated situation, and you both need a professional to help guide you through this period in your life. It is important that whoever you decide on is trans* positive and affirming.

If you decide that your relationship will not work out, this does not mean the end of your love and support for one another. It does not mean the time you spent together is wasted. You both can still be amazingly close to one another, and you can be there for every step of her transition. A separation or a divorce does not have to be an ugly affair where people end up hating each other. It is just an acknowledgement that the relationship as it currently stands is not going to work out, but that does not mean that the love, support, and everything else you have built has to be tossed out the window. It just means that you both are transitioning to different places in your life, and you are trying your best to support each other as you each travel your own journey.

You can still have "until death do us part" without being legally married and in a romantic and sexual relationship.

 

Take a step back. Think. Make lists. Write it out. It works. When my boyfriend and I got together I had NO idea that he was contemplating transitioning. When it finally came out, I felt suffocated. I had to step back, breathe, and realize I cared about the person inside, and her happiness means more to me than anything. All problems have solutions. The concern, is what you're willing to accept. Mind you, we have been together 5 months. 5 short, amazing, eye opening, beautiful months. She has opened my eyes to figure out where, and who I may be. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me. This is a very difficult and trying time.

 

Glad that you finally found help here... And sorry if I hurt you, I never was a good PR, that's why I have the signature, kind of a warning :icon_wink

Anyways, I wish you both the best. You knew her as a man and fell in love back then. This is going to be probably one hell of a ride for both, but if you keep being honest, having an open mind and being aware of your own needs, it might be possible.

I also agree with Lazuri that you could still be there after a breakup, as friends. This society tends to underestimate friendship, when it's actually one of the most clean and honest kind of relationships between two human beings.

Please, feel free to keep us updated. It's great to hear how things really are at the other side. We can learn a lot from each other (*hug*)

 

Good to see we managed to help you.

Your wife is obviously welcome here as well.

 

As you have seemed to already gotten advice, this will just be my "two cents" worth...


Did you fall in love because of "he was a man", or because of his looks? Or did you fall in love with the personality of the person inside the male wrapping?

From what you described, you fell in love with the person inside, not whats on the outside. So.........what is changing the "wrapping" on the package deal going to be to you? If you love this person for who they are.........then I have news for you.......you already fell in love with the woman inside the male wrapper!!!

Who cares what the brain-dead moronic imbeciles of the world think! Well, thats the problem.....they DON'T THINK! That is why they are brain-dead imbeciles. Every time you hear some moron spout hateful things......just laugh at them and say "Geez, you REALLY love to show off your stupidity don't you"!!! And walk away.

Love has many faces. Yours is just getting an update.

If he lost both of his legs in a car accident, would you love him less?
If he lost his arm, or got his face burned badly.......would you love him less?
This is no different.

Companies update their product labels, boxes, cans, and bottles all the time.
It's STILL the same product on the inside.....it just looks a bit different on the outside.

You love who you love.



You just have to be sure to follow all the proper steps to him transforming, so hopefully there will be no problems along the way. And for this, you will probably need to see a sex-change therapist/psychologist..........both of you.

There are plenty of documentaries on m/f couples who changed to f/f couples. I tried to find a couple for you, but apparently either I'm using the wrong search words or they aren't available online. But I am sure a therapist/psychologist can give you the names of some documentaries to watch.

 

Transgender Love: When Husband Transitions to Wife - ABC News

There's one story for you. You're not alone in your feelings!

 

You're a great wife don't listen to all the negative ass holes who tell you otherwise. You're awesome (*hug*)

 

goodness you take my feelings and type them out, some of them that I"m not even ready to deal with on my own yet. We went yesterday to get stuff to make a "bust tea" that will increase estrogen levels and promote development, and I started to think about what the increase in estrogen will lead to, and it terrifies me more than I can say. I had to take a bit and absorb into myself. I have said for a very long time that if you truly care about someone, then their happiness trumps your own. But I am so scared that during transition, or even post that I wont be the object of affection any more. Crazy, but true. I also feel as though there are things that I am not included in, although I am told that is not the case. I am just scared. This is all so new for the both of us, and I am trying to not let my fears and insecurities show, cause honestly, I realize this is not at all about me. But, as us as a couple, and IDK how to approach certain topics... LIke I said we have only been together for 5 months, and I left a 12 year relationship from to be with him, as he was having issues, namely that our 8 year old son was showing signs of being trans... I couldn't deal with his lack of acceptance. NOw I feel as though I am following. I completely support and want to be here. Thank you all for listening to me vent...