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my daughter loves her new friend

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by MaMoo, Mar 24, 2015.

  1. MaMoo

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    I'm reaching out for help in understanding some confusion I am having. My 15 year old daughter has always been attracted to boys. She would get gitty just at the sight of a boy she thought was cute, even if it was on tv. She met a boy at the end of the school year last year and over the summer she told me she was in love. They spent time together over the summer and was so excited when she had her first kiss. Their relationship never seemed fake or uncomfortable for my daughter. She was just head over heals. In the beginning of this school year my daughter joined the volleyball team and became friends with another player who is in a class above her. They started spending a lot of time together. It was only a few weeks into the volleyball season when I was told that her new friend told the volleyball team that her and my daughter were a couple. I asked my daughter if she liked her new friend that way and she said no mom I'm straight, I like boys. My daughter told me that her new friend told the team they were a couple just as a joke and she didn't have a problem with it. I told her she should not tell people she is gay if she is not. She told me she is not gay and she doesn't care if they want to think that. It was only a week after this that her boyfriend broke up with her. My daughter was devastated. She was so sad and heartbroken. It was so hard for her to get over this heartache. She leaned on her new friend and started spending a lot of time with her. She did tell me that her friend is gay, but said that her new friend was ok with her being straight. My daughter has met many friends through her new friend and seems to be very happy. I know I'm rattling on...I think it's because I sometimes don't know what my question is.
    When my daughter is hanging out with her new friend they hang on each other. I ask my daughter how she feels towards her new friend and she tells me that she is a great friend and says that they have a great time together. My daughter again told me that she told her friend that she was straight and that her friend was ok with that. A few months into their friendship my daughter told me that her new friend ask her how she would know she's not gay if she never tried it. My daughter told me her response was that she was straight and again told me her friend was ok with that. My daughter would come home from school angry because she would tell me that kids at school assumed she was gay just because she had a lesbian friend. So, after tonight I'm wondering when my daughter was telling me the truth. She told me that she loves her new friend and that she too is gay. She said everyone at school knows and that they are all happy for her. She said she is happy and that you can't help who you fall in love with, weather its a boy or a girl. And she is telling me that she loves her and wants to be with her. Would I have seen signs early on if she was gay? Should I have known? Is she? I'm afraid that my daughter may be trying to please this new friend, because she doesn't want to loose their friendship or the other friends she met through this new friend. My daughter says no that's not it. She says she is gay and has been since she was little. She never spoke of this before and never showed interest in girls until her new friend came into her life. I want my daughter to be happy and if she's gay I'm ok with that. What Im not sure about is if she is gay, or is she getting caught up in something that she can't handle.
     
  2. penta

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    i guess she has to find out for herself, there's not much you can do with this but tell her that you're completely fine with it if she is gay or maybe bisexual.
    She has to find her own way in life, and love goes as it goes.
     
  3. fragileflame

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    I don't know if she is gay or not...she may not fully know. But what I do know is that coming to the realization that you are gay/bisexual is a stressful journey. Sometimes meeting someone of the same sex that is attracted to you helps aid their journey. Just make sure she knows that you are okay with whatever her sexuality is and that you love her no matter what.
     
  4. White Knight

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    I will echo others.

    Only and only she and time can tell if she is gay or not. You just leave a light on for her to know she can always welcome in your heart no matter who she loves.

    As you can see from little tour in this forums people of all ages are not sure about their gender identity or sexual orientation. Most of them having hard time for this. Luckily your daughter is okay with she is in love with another girl. She might or might not fall for a boy in the future but as you said she seems happy with the way things working for her nowadays.
     
  5. Vampire

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    From what you've told us I'm just as confused as you are, as there are multiple scenarios as to what's going on. She might be gay but only just found out, she might've been gay for a long time but she was closeted or, as you've said yourself, she might be getting into something she can't really handle.

    I'd be careful and on the lookout. Observe how they behave around each other, if that is a possibility.

    I hope everything turns out alright!
     
  6. Zane7

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    Yeah, it sounds like your daughter is very confused. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to see a family counselor or someone like that. You said she took the loss of her boyfriend hard. Maybe there's some emotional turmoil there that is clouding her judgment. She just seems very erratic and inconsistent. I hope you and her can both find peace in this.
     
  7. MaMoo

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    Thank you for all your feedback. I love my daughter very much and I am so happy that at 15 she still ask me for advise. I support her and she is comforted knowing that I am always here for her.
     
  8. Clay

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    I wouldn't take her to a family counselor or anything like that. She'll see that as a betrayal of her trust, like you think she's ill or needs help in some way. She sounds confused about her sexuality in some way, but that's not a bad thing, it's just a process she'll have to find out by herself really.

    What you should do is just tell her it doesn't matter what she is, you love her regardless, and if she ever needs to talk about anything she can always come to you. You wont judge.

    That's about all you can and I guess really need to do. Be clear she can always talk to you and that nothing has changed. If she does figure out if she's bi or a lesbian she'll at least know she can talk to you safely.
     
  9. Awesome

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    Honestly, I think that you should give her some space. You, like the kids at school, kept asking her if she was gay. This made her afraid of confiding in you. I understand that you are concerned about your daughter, but I think that the best thing you could possibly do for her in this situation is to make it clear to her that you are there for her. She will become a stronger and more intelligent person by learning from the outcomes of her own choices. I think that you should support her, but also be there for her if she makes mistakes. This is coming from a kid who does not have a very good relationship with her mother, in part because of her mother's nosyness.
     
  10. fissle

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    I totally agree with this, she has confided in you that this is how she feels right now. I'm sure you remember how confusing your teen years were and I think time will tell her true orientation. Just love her for who she is and be there as she discovers who she really is, be that straight, bi-sexual, or lesbian.
     
  11. I think you should just stop asking her about it. Let her deal with this one on her own. You need to trust that she will come to you if a situation is negatively impacting her. Experimenting with a same-sex relationship won't negatively impact her but, being intimidated by a partner will. Just give her space to breathe and if you see this new girl smothering her in any way, give your daughter a talk about what a real loving relationship is, not a talk about whether she is gay or not.
     
  12. musicman1982

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    Hi MaMoo,

    I saw your messages and from what I understand as some of them said that your daughter might bisexual or maybe gay. I think coming from your daughters point of view that she is still trying to figure herself out as she and you probably know that. I'd say, if you need any detailed advice you can try and get in touch with PFLAG (Parents, Families, Freinds of Lesbian and Gays) It's an organisation that gives advice and support to anyone who is a family member or a friend of somebody who is a lesbian, gay or bi sexual. They might be to give more insight into your situation, I hope this helps?
     
  13. Noir

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    I agree she might just be discovering her new sexuality since it's a scale, it's fluid, and people discover different parts of their orientation through experience. Only she can find out for sure, I agree with everyone.

    However, I'd also like to point out that if she's acting like this with her friend and she really is straight, she needs to be careful not to lead her friend on!:icon_sad: Please remind your daughter that if she wants to be a good friend, it isn't fair to her lesbian friend to act like she likes her in front of others and let other people assume that they're a couple--out of my own experience, even if her friend says it's fine if she's straight, this is still very painful and confusing because it makes it seem like your daughter just doesn't want to admit to herself that she likes girls, and it creates false hope. If people are calling her a lesbian when she acts all flirty with other girls (lesbian or not) and doesn't correct them--that's the logical assumption. If your daughter wants to be just friends they can be just that--just minus the flirting, you know?
     
    #13 Noir, Mar 27, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2015
  14. headie2infinity

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    This is a tricky situation. However, let me first say, you are very strong and it's wonderful that you are so accepting of your daughter. It seems to me that you are more worried about your daughter getting hurt then anything. AND THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.

    I think she may be confused. Look she's 15, she's going to be confused until she is in her 20's. Or at least I know I was. This is a very hard time in your daughters life. Her cognitive development is still growing as well as heightened emotions. Put that all together along with the fact that adolescence puts a lot of focus on what others think about you to form your self opinions, and you get a disastrous mess. Which I'm sure you know! Teenagers are confusing.

    I think the most important thing here is to simply accept how your daughter feels toward her new friend. I think you need to tell her that you have thought about all the things that she has told you and that you accept her no matter what choices she makes about her sexuality, EVEN IF THAT CHANGES TOMORROW. <- that sentence is the most important part, because imagine if she does change her mind, due to this being a phase, would she feel guilty that she said she was gay, when it was just a phase? More importantly don't call if a phase, because it might not be for her.

    Let your daughter make this choice, and you can help guide her in making good decisions from there. That is what being parent of an adolescent is all about.

    ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2015 at 12:24 PM ----------

    Also, I think that the person above me, Nior, made a good comment. Bring to light that it is important to be honest with your "partner/her friend" no matter what your feelings are in order to have a healthy relationship. That is really important because if it is a phase for your daughter, and she decides that she doesn't really like girls, she could end up hurting her new friend in a way that could affect her socioemotional development as well as her trust in future relationships.
    You could also find a good book that your daughter would enjoy and give it to her to help her relate to feelings of girls her age. This might help her do some self-reflection through another person's journey. I can't think of any, but many I wish someone would of given me one at her age. Maybe something that is about a teenager learning about her sexuality at a young age, that puts emphasis on healthy relationships no matter what gender.